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This is going to be hard :(

Old 02-24-2011, 05:52 PM
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This is going to be hard :(

Today has been a good day. I didn't drink today, and was only very minimally tempted. However, I was just thinking about how hard this is going to be. Alcohol and drugs have made my life unmanageable. That is the truth, the big picture. But there are sometimes, many actually, that I've been fine with just a glass of wine. And it's these times that I think are going to work against me. I already can sense that my alcoholism will try and use this to get me to drink...

I know this sounds crazy, but I almost wish my drinking were MORE out of control. That I could NEVER drink just one glass. Then I wouldn't have that insidious voice telling me just one glass with dinner is ok on a special occasion.

The reality is that if I don't give up alcohol completely, eventually a glass here or there will end in me being completely drunk, likely driving, most assuredly acting in ways I'll regret and/or getting high, with a crushing hangover and depression. I guess I just have to keep sight of this. I know it's going to be hard. It's very hard to imagine months passing and me not giving in at all. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:03 PM
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Hi Aurora

Sometimes I was fine with a glass of wine too - but not very often, and less and less as the years rolled on.

It's the little hooks like that that keep us hanging on....if you're like me you'll have to admit those times were more luck than design....

Keep focused on the big picture...you know whats good for you
D
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:15 PM
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D.....

I like you idea that making through a nite with only drinking one glass was more luck than design.

WSTS
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:31 PM
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Why would any body want just one? Does not compute with me.
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Supercrew View Post
Why would any body want just one? Does not compute with me.
Sometimes I do just want one though... especially with dinner. Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic and I just need to control my drinking? I struggle with this line of thought sometimes...
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Old 02-24-2011, 06:38 PM
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Hi Aurora -

I could do the "one or two glasses" thing, too, although I've realized a few things after getting sober this time:

1. One or two drinks usually left me wanting more. I never knew whether I would stick to my limit or justify another then another then another....
2. If I succeeded in sticking to my limit, the next time I drank I somehow felt justified in going all out..... sooner or later I erased any "progress" I might have made.
3. If I didn't get a buzz, what was the point? Why do it?
4. If I really could be a social drinker, why hadn't I already done it?
5. What was so important to me about a drink that I felt I needed one, considering my history?

Of course, when I was drinking, I really didn't bother to get this honest.

The obsession took a few months to fade, but it has (thank goodness).... I don't see why it can't be the same for you....:ghug3 Hang in there!!!!!!!
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Old 02-25-2011, 02:10 AM
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You said it yourself! One day at a time!
Originally Posted by Aurora80 View Post
Today has been a good day... I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Aurora80 View Post
Sometimes I do just want one though... especially with dinner. Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic and I just need to control my drinking? I struggle with this line of thought sometimes...
Sometimes I just wanted one glass of wine too - I had this fantasy of a genteel glass of wine with dinner and good conversation....

but I more often than not drank the bottle (or more) and ended up blacking out and, again more often than not, ended up doing something embarrassing or dangerous or nasty....

or I had the one glass of wine (or maybe two because lets face it one 'does nothing' right?) amd stopped - and then was irritated for the rest of the evening...

and then - soon after, the next day, or the next time I had the opportunity - I'd write myself off.

If any part of the above sounds familiar Aurora (and I think it should) then you really have to face facts here.

I've read your posts for a long time, so I'll just say this straight out...

if you could control your drinking, I think you'd have done it by now, don't you?

Look, noone wants to have a drinking problem. noone wants to be an alcoholic - it's an unfair and very scary prospect...and most of us kick out at the idea and some of us retreat a little into denial...

but I think we all know - deep down - what the deal is.
D
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Aurora80 View Post
Sometimes I do just want one though... especially with dinner. Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic and I just need to control my drinking? I struggle with this line of thought sometimes...
Hmmmm. I don't know your history, Aurora. But this sounds like the sneaky alkie part of your brain trying to get you to drink again....

It's been a long, long time since I could just have one drink! Can't even comprehend it. I'd rather have none than just one.
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Old 02-25-2011, 04:25 AM
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Aurora, I'm like you. I COULD have just one drink with dinner. But then the thought of MORE would start fermenting in my brain. And I'd be looking for the next "opportunity" to "prove" I could have just one. Or, heck, just two. Oh, and maybe one more before bedtime. Just as a nightcap.

Then, as the others have said, I'm right back to obsessing about it and it is only a matter of time until I want to get drunk.
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Old 02-25-2011, 05:28 AM
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Great thread, Lot of stuff here I need to be reminded of. Aurora, I refer to these thoughts as my "alcoholic committee" they like to convene every so often. When I hear them talking I tell them this meeting is adjourned. LOL

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Old 02-25-2011, 05:33 AM
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Speaking just for myself and looking at my past history, I have learned the hard way that, that very FIRST drink, is enough to impair my better judgement. I may stop there, but more often than not, that just starts me on a bender and in the end, feeling both guilty and miserable. I'm just saying...
..Mike
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Old 02-25-2011, 05:55 AM
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I look at it this way: the allergy works in mysterious ways.
What I noticed is that it always got to me, not immediately, but, always, in the end.

I could have two glasses of wine with dinner, but the next day I would always have the mental obsession: "maybe another two or three tonight?"
The mental obsession would be there all day: "where do I buy it, when can I start, how much do I buy?"
That was the first part of it when I triggered the allergy.

Then the second part kicked in: "I want more". The next day I would buy not 2, but 3 or 4 units. Then, next day, 6 to 8.
Then: hangover. Then, I would cure the hangover with morning drinking and then it would be a fact: I was in the middle of a full blown binge, again.
And it all started out with just a couple.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:23 AM
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If I have one, I get irritated and think incessantly about how I want more. I get angry. And then I treat my boyfriend like dirt. No bueno.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:27 AM
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I am reminded of that quote by Robert Downey Jr.

Sometimes I'd like to have a glass of wine with dinner. Then I remember that I have plans for Christmas.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:28 AM
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Thanks everyone. You guys are right. There are nights when one or two glasses are ok and I'm contented... well, not typically with one, but sometimes with 2. But there are plenty of other times when I set out to have one and end up drinking whatever is available. And then the times when it gets out of control for real. I am an alcoholic, and I need to accept that. Maybe I'm in the earlier stages, but I definitely obsess about alcohol and at times have trouble controlling my drinking. And I don't want to wait until I'm in the later stages and have lost my health and God only knows what else. I'm only 30... I still potentially have a lot of good life to live.

I'm glad I can come here and share these thoughts and doubts. I know with a good program and support and I can do this! I just wish it was easier. But I'm trusting that if I keep at it, in time it will be.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:29 AM
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Yep, I often times drank only a few, but I also, often times went off the deep end.

Towards the end, it was impossible to predict, even with my best intentions and thoughts and proclamations, what was going to happen when I started drinking.

Sometimes I didn't get drunk and sometimes I did. Those sometimes almost killed me...

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Old 02-25-2011, 06:39 AM
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Aurora, I was ok with a glass or two in an evening for many years, but this thing is progressive. It will be worse in a few years, the sooner you muster the courage to make the changes that need to happen, the less wreckage there will be. This is tough advice to follow, I know because I did not follow it.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by recycle View Post
Aurora, I was ok with a glass or two in an evening for many years, but this thing is progressive. It will be worse in a few years, the sooner you muster the courage to make the changes that need to happen, the less wreckage there will be. This is tough advice to follow, I know because I did not follow it.
You are exactly right recycle! And this is the stuff I need to keep in mind. Sometimes things I hear from other alcoholics who took it farther than I have or even things I read in the big book make me think "Well I'm not like THAT." But really I'm on the same path, I just haven't walked on it as long/far. If alcohol is causing me the kind of problems it is now, I can't imagine what it will be like 10 years from now if I keep going.

It's scary though how I can know all this stuff, really know it, but that sneaky deceptive voice of my addiction tries to tell me otherwise.
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Old 02-25-2011, 07:54 AM
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Hi Aurora.

Many years ago i found that if i had one drink, i could ALWAYS feel the affects of the alcohol and all the lights came on. Thing was if i left it at that, i would ALWAYS end up with a head ache, not a bad one but enough to eventualy rid me of wanting just one drink.

Its possible that the idea i got into my head about 'avoiding a head ache' from just one drink, is the main contributary factor of how or why my alcoholism began its development. I did start however increasing one drink to between 2-4 or 5, but as i said all the lights came on at just one, and when say 5 began to ware off, my head aches were much worse.

Long story short, i just drank myself to sleep or into a state for 25 years! and i was well and truely locked into doing that. I never ever got room spin while trying to sleep, was VERY rarely sick, so one drink as Superscrew said, it just did not compute with me after a time... at all, and things in many areas just went beyond my control.

Just one drink is a very bad idea for anyone who feels they have a drink problem to what ever extent, while they are meaning to either fix or understand the way alcohol affects them. I think it is understanding that should be first and foremost, so that its easier to fix.

One drink? pfff... just dont do it, while you are able. The big picture is what really matters, and if id known or understood more, my pic would not have shrunk down to say, in my case... the size of a bottle neck. It can be a very small world for an alcoholic.
Alcohol in its own right is just not worthy of its ability, END OF.

P.S. like your AV', looks like fun!

Best of luck to you :-)
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