Help please
 

My sister hasnt talked to me in 2 months (since Christmas day to be exact) I have called, facebook'd, texted...she wont respond. Finally today she did. This was the text I got when I told her i love her and miss her and that I want to see my nephew:

"thanks for the apology TEXT...i guess. It is quite simple really, stop lying to me and everyone else in our family! Anyone who wants to be a part of my sons life is welcome except for lying drunks.Get a clue please. I love you and miss you but I will not have this kind of behavior in my life or family. The ball is in your court"

I'm sorry you got that kind of response.

I did too - I really let some people down, whether I was conscious of that at the time or not. They'd heard the 'I love yous' and the promises over and over too.

My advice is to continue on with your recovery...many of the people who felt that way about me were able to see for themselves, eventually, that I really had changed.

But work your recovery for you - not them. You can only do your best - how other people react is not within our control.

Some ppl have never forgiven me and I have to accept and live with that.

I really hope you and your sister will find a reconcilliation tho :)
D

I'm not familiar with your story, but as an alcoholic, I do know that sometimes we do things while drinking that tends to upset or alienate friends and family. While it's great that you are in recovery (I'm assuming you are), it takes time to mend the damages we may have caused. All you can do is keep doing the next right thing. Like we tell people here, words are meaningless unless the actions correspond.

It sounds like your sister's main focus is on her son, which is as it should be. Since she has finally responded, maybe you two can arrange a time to sit down and have a talk and determine how to go forward. I wish you good luck.

yes her son is her main focus as it should be. The ones throwing stones have no room to talk though. She drinks too. So does my dad...I can go on and on. Its about me and what I need to do to change. Im so upset about that message. I want to sell my house, move states away and never see them again. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to drink until I pass out. Of course I wont do that. There were a few messages after that initial one. you get the point though.

I dont see us reconciling. Im to upset to even think about facing her ever again. Who says that to their own sister? "drunk liar" Geez!

Resentment is a real killer B.

Like I said - you have to accept that this is her attitude right now, whether you think it fair or not.

Keep your focus on you and what you need to do - if you and your sister have a good relationship, things will work out in time.

If it's not a good relationship, then walk away.

D

Perhaps you should discuss this with your sponsor.

Basically everyone said that to me - and sadly, as much as I still hate to admit it,they were right.

I'm glad I'm not that guy anymore.

D

Yeah...perhaps I should get a sponsor. I read on the internet about recovery and post on here. Time to get real.

My fiancee drinks. So do my parents. And they all wanted me to get help. Yep, they all drink.

Difference is, they're not "lying drunks." Which is exactly what I was.

Your last drink was on, what, the 12th or 13th? I'd say you need to give this some time. I had been with my fiancee nearly 7 years when I stopped drinking, and I think it took her a good while to actually believe that I was stable and had my head on straight. But it didn't come by me telling her how much better I was (she had heard that a lot for 7 years). It only came by her seeing with her own eyes the difference in me. By her seeing, over and over and over, me making better decisions than I did before. Me backing up my words with actions. Me being the kind of person she always knew I could be.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but if anything, this should give you more resolve to be steadfast in your recovery. Get things in your life where they need to be, and the other pieces will fall into place.

This is probably my alcoholic brain speaking...but i dont see how people who drink (and I dont mean socially) can cast judgement on someone else. sad fact is...when I drink I make SO MUCH crap up. I didnt realize it until recently...but I do. I gotta figure this out!

goodluck and hang in

Well, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do. Recovery is much more than just not drinking. You seem to have a lot of anger and resentment and that isn't good. Maybe you should try AA, get a sponsor and work the steps. Not only would it be a tremendous help to your sobriety, it might go a long way in showing your family that you are serious about recovery. Actions speak much louder than words. Good luck.

So...your sis wasn't lying about the "drunk liar" part and unless she does the exact same thing (and even if she doesn't), it's her right to say what she says.

I am not minimizing your hurt at all, BTW! I have a bunch of family crap too, so I know how it can hurt. But I think it's easier to say yeah OK so and so is right about that, own it, and move on, rather than fighting it. Because in families, fighting rarely makes anything better.

While I was still drinking I really honestly felt that people should cut ME slack because of the things I said and did while I was drunk. I really thought it was THEIR problem that they took to heart things I said and did while under the influence. LOL. I was so wrong.

One powerful thing I was told is if I have a problem with someone, then it's always really a problem with me. If I have bad feelings about a situation, something is wrong with me and I have to look at that. I have to make amends as best I can and go to ANY length to stay sober. A sponsor can really help you know when and how to make specific amends. That's one reason you get a sponsor.

I know I stayed mad at my husband for things he did while I was drinking and I focused so much on that because I didn't have the balls to pay attention to my own side of the street. I didn't want to make efforts to fix my part. So I stayed angry and felt the unfairness of the situation and just kept getting drunk.

Welll...the problem is often you (or me or us) and it's certainly true that usually the only thing we can control is how we react to someone.

But I think that we alcoholics/addicts can sometimes take self-flagellation and humility a bit too far. Drunk or sober, other people might be the problem too, and sometimes if we are a drunk and the other person is a sober person...they can still be jacked up, mean and wrong.

Just because we're the drunk and they're not...does not mean we're prima facie wrong simply by virtue of being an alcoholic. We can accept the things we can't change and change the things we can but we don't have to be doormats, immersed forever in guilt.

Im just really hurt. I think she should cut me some slack because
1. we are sisters
2. we lost our mother at young ages
3. I have done a lot for her
4. our dad isnt doing well

I can go on and on.

Doesnt matter...in a nut shell she can talk to me if she is concerned about me. Being mean isnt right even if it is directed at a "drunk liar"

Yep. That also means that if I feel hurt by someone, I can do something about it. I can take responsibility for myself and take a break from that person or set some other boundaries or, as in the case of my husband, ask him to move out instead of responding in ways that are negative and hurtful. If my husband's behavior is intolerable to me, I don't sit around and complain about it, I can do something about it - ask him not to treat me a certain way but if I let him do it and it still is bothersome to me, then it's in my court to take responsibility for getting myself out of that situation.

I guess we're not speaking the same language here B.

I spent basically 40 years wishing my family, and people in general, would cut me some slack and treat me the way I wanted them to.

I finally worked out I can't control other people :)

If I think someone has a point about things I've done, it really doesn't matter if they're a hypocrite or not - I'll try and better myself...

but if someone is just toxic for me, I leave them in the dust.

D

Sorry, OBH, but these are some of the consequences we experience as a result of drinking. Whether your sister should have said those things or not is really beside the point.

The angrier and more resentful you are at her, the more you hurt yourself. And that's a fact. Look, right now she isn't thinking too highly of you. Whether she's right or wrong, how is it going to help YOU to boil up inside?

I agree, I think it's time for you to "get real" with your recovery. Maybe your sister will change her opinion or maybe she won't. If you're feeling like you never want to speak to her again, what difference does it make?

You quit drinking for yourself. Yourself, steeped in misery and anger, is not a happy camper. Yourself, steeped in booze, is not a happy camper. My suggestion is that you do something that will REALLY change your life, and take care of the alcohol problem in the process.

Why not get yourself to an AA meeting?