Janis

Here I go again. My life is being held together by threads. My job isn't in jeopardy, I pay all my bills on time but all of this is going to come crashing down as everything behind the scenes of my life unravels. My apartment is a mess, I'm spending money on cabs to get to work and food because I'm hung over from the night before. My work product isn't what it could be and my potential is being poured down the drain. I'm not doing anything that I used to enjoy anymore. I'm not really doing anything at all. All I do is work, come home, drink, repeat. I've been going to AA through all this. Granted my meetings now are once a week, meet my sponsor and do some of the work. If I don't stop I'm scared about how bad things are going to get.

I'm going to use this forum, meetings and whatever I can to break the cycle. In the past month I think I was able to only have a day or two strung together of sobriety. Time to get active in fighting this instead of giving into temptation every time I start having cravings.

Anna

Hi Janis,

I'm glad you're working on your recovery. Is there something that you can add to your recovery plan to help you get past a couple of days of sobriety? It sounds like you're ready to make this work.

Janis

Any suggestions are welcome. I'm going to try and go to a meeting during the craving times. My addictive voice kicks in around 3 or 4 and starts telling me to get a drink right when I get off work. I drink at home alone so none of this is social. Today is my new day one and I plan to go to the gym after work and a meeting. Anything that has worked for anyone to get through the beginning cravings would be a great help.

DontRemember

Are you being honest in AA and to your sponsor about your drinking? When I first started showing up for my court ordered meetings, I'd stop by the store for booze,already have some at home or go out drinking with my exAgf that night. I was only doing it for the court. As my life continued to not improve(work, taking part in drunken arguments with my ex,wasting money,ect..). It wasn't until I got honest with myself and them that I started to improve my life. No, I'm not 100% happy now. I miss my ex at times, life does keep going good and bad,but I'm learning how to handle these things sober. I'm no longer hiding.

Janis

I will be honest with my sponsor. I'm meeting her tomorrow. Last time I relapsed she was pushing me to do sober living or rehab immediately. At that juncture I had 3 months of sober time and fell down only for a day. It was a pretty hard push to try and get me to go into sober living, figure out what to do with my cats and figure out a way to pay for it all. She wanted me to sublet out my apartment somehow.

There's also the real possibility that she'll drop me as a sponsee. In my line if you relapse enough the sponsor will drop you as whatever they are doing isn't working for you.

There's a lot of fear around telling my sponsor because of my previous experiences. I know I need to be honest and deal with the consequences but it's scary.

tomsteve

how about working the steps?

Janis

I am working the steps with my sponsor. I'm on the fourth step. This is my second time working the steps. My sponsor and I worked extensively on my 3rd step and I also started to see an addiction therapist. I struggle with the program, spirituality and the steps. I never got much relief from working them but figured it's better than drinking and the meetings are helpful. I need to work past my resentments that I have about the program. Maybe it would be good to start working on that today. Write it out in my forth.

tomsteve

just my opinion, but it seems, with mention of this," My apartment is a mess, I'm spending money on cabs to get to work and food because I'm hung over from the night before", it would be wise to start at step 1. without the 1st step, i had no chance of recovery.

whats the resentment towards the program?

tomsteve

p.s.
it is good to read ya lookin at the 4th step,tho.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Janis

SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same

D

Hats

Welcome Janis
SR has definitely helped me along with many AA meetings every week. You'll find lots of support on here.
You say you are doing the steps
I guess my question is, have you fully accepted step1?
As it says "Until we fully accept our alcoholism, we will not stay sober"
I think acceptance is the key in step 1. We must have no reservations that we will someday, somehow drink like normal people. That idea has to be smashed.
Just my thoughts on what I've learned.

PurpleKnight

Sounds like alcohol isn't doing you any favours.

You can break cycle, it can be done!!

SoulShine8

If I could get myself from work to my house without stopping, I was good. I would immediately get into pajamas, and do something especially with my hands. And I would make sure to be drinking something - (besides water)....juice is good, iced tea, coffee...something you enjoy. If you make sure to have the ingredients to make a meal without stopping somewhere and get into going by a recipe or even better make something new - just being involved in the process. If I even let a thought of stopping in my mind while driving I was done. I would make sure to have other things to think of during the drive or start counting things such as certain colored cars or such. I like imagining about who and what the other drivers are or where they are going. Having something to look forward to doing when I got home especially if I taped a favorite program and had snacks to eat. Keeping a positive outlook as much as possible. I'm going thru a rough patch now... but these are things that have helped me before and I will do again along with lots of other things.... I have to remember the thing about too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired.... and add also not getting too bored... it leads me to trouble.