BetterMe123

I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of sneaking out of work 10 minutes early so I can grab wine on the way home before picking up my kid from daycare. I am so mad at myself for prioritizing my drinking over my child - when we get home he wants to play. Mommy needs to have a drink to take the edge off, then hide the rest of the bottle for later, clean up the hidden bottle(s) from the night before. I am tired of watching the clock, eagerly waiting until his bedtime so I can get back to the booze. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night, heart racing, stomach churning, unable to fall back asleep because I'm starting my daily hangover. I am tired of telling my husband I'm going to bed early when really I am just enjoying my drinking alone in the bedroom.
Nothing has ever made me feel worse than the knowledge that my love for my child isn't enough to overcome my love of alcohol. Today I will start my journey again. Tonight, after the little guy goes to bed, I will go to a meeting instead of to the laundry basket for my hidden stash of wine.
Thank you all for listening. I need to get it out I guess.

ViciousCycle

I was in the same boat a scant 2 days ago........I used to think it took the edge off while all it really did was increase my anxiety. I was so worried about getting that next drink.........it's a horrible and dark place to be.

But I am here to offer some hope. Even though I am only on day 3, I feel a difference....I feel hope. I had to lay on the couch for a few days and ride it out, it was hard, but my life is already getting better. I can feel happiness oozing back in.

I hope you can find your way. If I can do it anyone can. Break that cycle.......hugs to you.

poorguy

These are feelings I have felt as well. I have two boys 7 and 10. Waiting for them to get to bed so I can fix another drink because I fear they will see me as their boozer father. I was so embarassed about my drinking that I would hide bottles in every cranny I could find. One time, when we moved apartments, my wife and her friend found about 30 vodka bottles hidden around our 575sq foot apartment. That was embarassing but still didn't curb my drinking. It was not until now, when I developed a pain under my right ribcage that I did some research and found it could be my liver. I dropped everything and got tests done (pending...) and over the past few days have been pondering the worse. What would my wife do if I had a serious problem? What if it killed me? I pictured my children and wife over my grave and simply could not do that to them.

It is not that your love for your child isn't enough to stop drinking. I love my children immensely, to the point I would die a thousand times to keep them safe. That did not stop me from drinking. Love for yourself may be more important to quit drinking. I know I've been depressed for the past few years and it had exasperated my drinking. Now that I have been scared straight healthwise, I know that loving myself is just as important as loving my children because if I love myself enough to not to abuse my body, I will be around to love and for my children to love me for a much longer time and the time I am around will be better quality time for both myself and my family. It is a serious addiction that many of us are fighting here.

CheekyAngel

My thoughts and wishes are with you. Be strong, stay strong and you will have strength. And with strength comes will-power.

If you really are sick of the same sh** different day, you will find the courage to beat this routione.

Best of luck...keep posting too..

...CheekyAngel...

Opivotal

Good for you! I was amazed what a priority alcohol became for me. Everything else in my life took a backseat to drinking. I lost all joy and meaning in my life. I was depressed, miserable, and sick of being sick. That's just plain sad! I felt as if my soul was lost.

You can reclaim your life! Help yourself become the wife and Mother you know you can be.
Go to your meeting and hold your head up! You are about to put an end to the madness and deceit. No more hiding and living for that first drink, second, third, on and on. Slowly your focus will shift. I cannot tell you what a great feeling it is to get that monkey called Alcohol off your back!

Best Wishes To You!

Jabbadabutt

Welcome to SR. You will love it here....if you WANT to be here. I walked in your shoes too......if you think you need help....and are willing to ask for it.......go for it. Do it for your kid...do it for YOU.

SSIL75

I could have written that 6 months ago. In fact I probably did. Parenting in alcoholism is agonizing because no matter how you tell yourself that you're shielding them from it, you know deep it's not true. I've shared lots of highlights from my recovery experience as a parent:

- hearing my 2y/o DD whisper a question in the middle of the night
- Playing with her at a coffee shop during the day instead of driving around eating McDonald's.
- Feeling disconnected from my 4 year old and climbing into his bed at bedtime to snuggle and talk instead of gratefully going back to my drink because it was FINALLY bedtime.
- Just this morning, calmly negotiating both of them out of cheezits at 7am instead of getting irrationally frustrated by their request.

I also realized this morning that I've only had one fight with my husband in 6 months. And it was something stupid - his fault

These are just small things individually but they really fuel my recovery because put together it means that I have my life back. My kids have a mom for the first time (man, that is painful to type). I woke up this morning and my first thought was that I had to complete my son's Kindergarten forms. FORMS! Not a count of how many drinks I had. A promise that tonight would be better. A mental inventory of how much wine we had left in the house. A cautious check of my right abdomen for liver area tenderness. A cautious, nervous, nonsense question posed to my husband to evaluate if he was pissed off with me. Just FORMS!

For me I had to realize with 100% clarity that I would NEVER be able to drink again and have a normal life. Never. I employ/enjoy some Rational Recovery tools/concepts to help with cravings. AA is not for me. But alcohol in all quantities/frequencies had to go. It's absolutely toxic for me, mentally and physically.

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your Day 1.

Kjell

Hi Betterme-

The above quote really spoke to me as I'm sure that is really hard on you knowing that you're putting alcohol above your child. I'm not a parent myself, but alcohol won over everything that was important in my life. If I had something good in my life, I eventually drank it to bad.

I was, simply, powerless over alcohol. Do you think this is true with you too?

You mention going to a meeting tonight and if you're talking AA then you're speaking my language.

Go in with an open mind and be willing to follow the direction of those who know how to get and stay sober.

You, your son, and your family are worth sobriety.

We can and do recover and you can be living proof.

Keep us posted.

Kjell

Jabbadabutt

New parents are some of the MOST stressed out people in the world. Once I accepted that, it helped me deal with the stress. Weird but it worked. The drinking only made me more stressed out, it created un-needed anxiety, both chemically in my brain and physically in my life (OH the work we alcoholics do in order to keep drinking!!). Lose the drinking.....know that you are still going to have problems and stress regardless.....and get help (either meetings or a counselor) and feel better. Every day you do not drink....your life gets better.

BetterMe123

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I am tearing up a little at my desk.

SSIL75

I don't talk about recovery very much IRL but the other day I used the words 'as an alcoholic' in a converation with my husband I did NOT burst into tears. First time since I got sober 6 months ago

The crying is normal

artsoul

Welcome BetterMe - I can relate to everything you said (especially watching the clock - when could I be alone and enjoy my drinking?). It's what alcohol addiction does to us...... we drink even when we don't want to.

Things are going to get better......... hang in there and take it one day at a time. YOU deserve to have a better life just as much as your son does. Hugs....

least

Welcome to the family.

Dee74

Welcome back BetterMe123

D

Anna

Even though my kids were teens when I started drinking, I could have written the same words that you did. It's amazing how addiction relentlessly pulls us away from the people we love. The sneaking, the hiding, the lying, the covering up were just endless and exhausting. Please know that you can do this and that you can recover and be the person and the parent that you want to be.