Please Help
 

Hi all, I'm new here. I went to AA several times in the last year, had 2 sponsors, the first one got tired of me not doing what I was suppose to do (meetings, calling her, steps, etc). I haven't talked to my second one in a while. I emailed her tonight but she may tell me no go too.

Here is my problem, I have a really hard time with step 3 due to past spiritual abuse. I have a hard time turning my life and will over to God as I understand him. I get stuck on step 3 every time. The God I know/knew is/was a very vindictive punishing God that is just waiting for me to slip up so he can punish me. I don't know what I believe anymore.

I totally ignored my last (wonderful, compassionate, very helpful) sponsor because of this when she emailed me, thinking I could do this on my own. Obviously I cannot.

This has gone on for a year, me wanting to stop drinking and not getting past step 3. I don't know what to do. The god of my teen years is holding me back in a big way.

I miss AA, I miss the friends I was making and I miss the fellowship but I don't miss "that god". Does this make sense to anyone???

Also, having a bipolar diagnosis, I feel as though I really don't fit in. I'm sure there are others with this in AA but I feel as though I'm alone in it. I use to have a career and friends. Now I just isolate and put a wall up even to those in AA who show that they want to help and be my friend no matter what.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to walk back into the rooms and get another white chip but if I don't I know I will struggle with this from now on.

I need some advice/encouragement. I feel so lost. :cries3:

Hi Debbie! I know all about the "god of my teen years"! My mom was a sweetheart but had a terrible habit of telling me every time I did something bad that God was mad at me. She never told me that God was happy with me when i did good things though, so I ended up with a very lopsided view of God - the Punisher! I had no interest in this god and considered him "my mother's god." Years after, I came back to the religion I grew up in once I developed my OWN relationship with God. This was God as I understood Him---as a FORGIVING God who deeply loves us, His children! I hope that helps! Also, about being bipolar, I wouldn't worry about not fitting in! I think you'd fit in just fine! Lots and lots of people have problems. For me, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Don't let anything keep you from getting the help that you deserve! :)

Hi Debbie and welcome to the forum - sorry you're struggling right now. I understand the "judgmental God" concept. I had to decide that if "God is love" then a lot of that judgmentalness was probably what man did to the message.

When I did the 3rd step, I had use my concept of God, not that of others.

At times, I just used the energy of love as my HP.

I think as you go along, you can work out the details. If your sponsor was really helpful and you loved your group, surely they would be glad to see you too.

Glad you're here - this place helps me tremendously. Hang in there!:ghug3

Read the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good people" by Harold Kushner. It'll give you a whole new understanding of God. You'll like Him. He's mine, but you can use Him too. He's able to spread Himself around.

Hi Debbie

I'm not in AA but I used to have an idea of a vengeful vindictive God too....I've since come to see that I was actually dealing with vengeful vindictive people in my past.

I don't believe that a Higher Power, whatever your conception of it, wants anything but the best for you - this is the God of your understanding, noone elses.

and no, I don't know why bad things are allowed to happen to good people, or why evil exists - maybe I need to read Joe's book suggestion too.

I only know that everything that's happened to me good and bad, has made me who I am today.

I should probably be dead, but I'm not....that makes me think there's may be a reason in there somewhere.

I hope you find your way into doing whatever is right for you so you can heal and find some peace in your life :)

D

In early sobriety I had a problem with God. Not so much that I didn't believe in him, but more that I wasn't sure he believed in me... And since I had severe depression it was even harder to believe that anyone, much less a supreme being, could like or want me.:( So it was hard wrapping my head around the concept of God loving me and looking out for me. So my higher power for quite a while was my dogs.:)

Their unconditional love and devotion got me thru some hard times. They're always there for me and love me no matter what. They take what I give them and were grateful, never complaining and never demanding. They were the perfect higher power for me.

Now I'm more comfortable with God and have a better relationship with my Maker, but still hold my dogs high in my esteem and faith and look at them as proof that God (the Creator) loves me cause he gave these dogs into my care, to love and be loved by.

A higher power can be anything. The ocean, the universe, the stars - anything. Does'nt have to be the God of your childhood. Form your own God (higher power) from whatever notion you have of such a thing. :)

GHW, that's exactly how I feel, God the Punisher. My mother is like "that god", she is never pleased with anything. Just when my brother and I thought we were pleasing her the rules changed. That and the fact that I was taught in church that God couldn't be pleased equaled me running away from him (and my mother). Only my last sponsor knew of the bipolar disorder, she said she had sponsored others with the diagnosis and said she had a good friend with it. For some reason I just couldn't trust her to like me. I think it comes from my mother not liking me. Hmm, food for thought there.

artsoul, the energy of love as a higher power would be great for me right now since God is energy anyway. And I agree, a lot of it is most likely what man did to the message (to control the masses).

joesdris, I would love to like God. I'll check out the book. My last sponsor pretty much said the same thing, to "borrow her God" for a bit. I hope I can get this.

Dee, that is most likely what I'm dealing with, the angry vindictive people that taught me God was just as they were plus my mother is angry and vindictive. She has untreated mental illness. A theme going on here I think.

least, I also have the unconditional love of pets. So much love for such an imperfect person that I am. If pets can love that much then so can God? Maybe I'll get this yet. I can't read the bible, to me (and I don't want to offend here) it's the epitome of a a God that barely tolerates humankind. I'll take your advice and form my own HP. One that loves unconditionally.

My three dogs are a huge part of my reason to live sober, as two of them are special needs and must have my constant attention. My reward for living sober is in their healthy happy disposition and their great love for me.:)

I love living sober cause I can take such good care of them - the good care they need and deserve.:)


I like this video as it describes how I feel about both God and my dogs. They are a reflection of God's love, to me, and a reminder that unconditional love does exist... for me, it's in the form of my dogs.:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H17edn_RZoY

Debbie:

I believe there's only one way to do Step 3: do Step 4.

I'm going to give you a bit of a background on how the steps were written, which might help you understand why I say that.

When the Big Book was written, to show people precisely how the first 100 AA members recovered, the writers were looking back at their experience. They had all recovered, for the most part, and were trying to recapture what they had done.

What they had done was a "primitive" version of the steps based on some concepts from one of the religious groups of the day, the Oxford Group. Those steps were as follows:

1. We admitted that we were licked, that we were powerless over alcohol.

2. We made a moral inventory of our defects or sins.

3. We confessed or shared our shortcomings with another person in confidence.

4. We made restitution to all those we had harmed by our drinking.

5. We tried to help other alcoholics, with no thought of reward in money or prestige.

6. We prayed to whatever God we thought there was for power to practice these precepts.

Note the absence of anything resembling the 2nd and 3rd step of the 12 steps of AA. The first 100 AA members went right from an admission of defeat to their fourth step (inventory).

Why is this important?

The purpose of all 12 steps is to connect us to a power that can solve our problem (loosely quoted from the Big Book). When we get hung up on steps 2 and 3, without doing 4-12, we are expecting the results of all the steps at Step 3. And that makes no sense.

What I'm saying is that the order of the steps is a bit...misleading. Steps 1-3 were conclusions of the mind by the first 100 people in AA as they looked back at their experience. But the truth is, they didn't really get Step 2 and 3 until after they had completed all their work. How could they have? They were not steps in the process they took.

So, my advice:

Are you clear on Step 1? Have you thoroughly discussed the elements of your disease with your sponsor, the physical allergy, mental obsession, spiritual malady? Do you believe that you are powerless over alcohol, that left to your own devices, you'll drink again?

If so, all that's really required in Step 2 is willingness. Rather than believe you must conclude exactly what power is going to restore you to sanity, pose the question this way-- are you willing to embark on a process that will connect you to a power that can solve your problem? No pre-determined belief is necessary-- just willingness. Are you willing to believe that there's a power (not the God of your childhood) of your own conception that you can connect with as a result of doing the inventory and amends of Steps 4-9?

Then say the Third Step prayer, out loud.

And begin Step 4.

Do not deprive yourself of the experience the steps can give you by bogging down in Steps 1-3.

least, it does feel good to take care of responsibilities, especially to precious creatures that depend on us for so much. I love the video, thank you.

FrothyJay, thank you for sharing this and breaking it down. I think I'm seeing that I'm expecting the end process (ongoing, progress not perfection) in step 3 instead of what will happen by the time I work the steps and connect to a higher power BY working the steps, the end result, a willingness to do the work and let my HP relieve the obsession and show me who He/She-and connecting to that HP by working the steps. Like you said, expecting the results of all the steps at step 3. I'm making this too hard, complicating it.

Yes, I'm very clear on step 1. I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot take that first drink, once I do I am powerless to stop. And yes, left to my own devices I will drink again, no doubt. I have proven that time and time again.

Step 2-I do have the willingness but (as I said above) I've gotten hung up on what that HP is when, in actuality, working the steps will bring that connection.

I think I've got it?

Lot's of good interesting shares here Debbie...
thank you for posting and welcome to our recovery community
:wave:

BTW....I guess about 1/3 of my home group are taking various meds for Bi-Polar
that does not keep them from moving froward in Steps or fellowshipping.
I do hope you will quickly get back to meetings ..:yup:

Shareing here is a vital supplement to my local AA committment

Thanks for bringing this up Debbie: you are definitely not alone! I too grew up with an angry, punishing, almost vengeful God. The path to this God was one of guilt and shame. I don't know how many times I heard: "Shame on you!" or "You should be ashamed of yourself!" or, like you, "God is punishing you for what you did".

I agree, it's hard to try and find a new path to God without all the baggage of the past placing obstacles in the way. I felt like my path was littered with the opinions of others; other people's ideas of spirituality they had imposed on me.

I have completed step 3, but still find myself having to try and get around the archetypal images and doctrines of the "old religion" of my childhood. But, just keep trying. I feel like I am making progress by reading new material. For example, I am going to join a study group next week based on "A course of miracles". (A new interpretation of spirituality).

That is the best thing you can do: read about new ideas, learn: visit different churches or temples, ashrams, read about other systems of spirituality. One of the best ways I was able to remove many of the old "punishing" God ideas from my mind was by learning about Buddhism.

Step 3 is just making a decision.

We made a decision...to turn our life and our will over...

Just make the decision, and move to step 4.

Step one, willingness, step 2, belief, step 3 decide, step 4-9 action.

The understanding of your God may change as you do your step work.

If step 3 hangs you up each time, move forward!

The action is 4-9.

No need to stay on 3.

The telephone is better than email with a sponsor.

Pick up the phone, and call either woman that has helped you in the past, and get into action.

You can also utilize GOD, group of drunks as the power greater than yourself. Turn your will (thinking) and your life (actions) over to the care of a group of people that have recovered and can help you for now.

:)

Carol, thank you, this is a great forum with lots of ES&H. Thank you for sharing about some of the members of your home group. I've been letting the bipolar stop me, I can't continue to do that.

littlefish, exactly, still trying to get around archetypal images and doctrines. It feels like deprogramming to me, in a way. I've heard about A Course In Miracles, the local Unity Church has it weekly.

Veritas1, yes, step 3 does hang me up everytime but I think I'm really starting to see the rest of the steps as into action and letting change come as it will.
Email was one of the ways my sponsor and I communicated. We had all the avenues- phone, cell and email.

I'm going back to AA tonight. I've put it off long enough and can't let fear or what I feel as humiliation stand in my way. I'll turn the humiliation to humility and do what I need to do.

My sponsor said she would talk with me before the meeting tonight. I guess I'll find out then if she is still willing to be my sponsor.

Thank you all for your comments. It helped me to sort a lot of it out and to be able start moving forward.

Debbie, WELCOME. I stumbled around AA for 5 years before truly getting sober. A big part of my problem was this "God thing" Here is a Cliff's Notes version of how I came to grips with it. I could not get my head around a separate being out in the ether of the universe. I finally made my own conscience my HP. Why couldn't God be inside me ? Once I got there I was able to pray and meditate with complete comfort. I KNOW my head and heart heard my thoughts and words ! And then God, HP, heart, head talked back to me through my conscience. It made me cringe when I did wrong, and gave me peace when I did right. This may not be the way for you, but I hope it shows we CAN have a God of our understanding.

Best wishes on the meeting tonight !!!

Ron

Ron, thank you for sharing that with me, I don't feel so alone in it. And I love how you came to a God of your understanding.

The meeting went well. It was great to be back and I left there with a feeling of that's exactly where I belong. :)