FRESHSTART2010

Just wondering if anyone is is or was struggling to find out how to "be" in a relationship without being buzzed or drunk. Sounds crazy but I am having issues to figure out how to "act" when I am around my significant other. Most of the time when we were going to spend time together I had at least a few glasses of wine even before he picked me up or came over. I feel awkward around him being sober. I was much more carefree and less self conscious around him before. I loved to talk and be very affectionate. Now I would rather avoid him. If we do spend time together I am very quiet and reserved. We had an incident years ago where he knew I was drinking too much. I told him I cut way back and rarely ever drank in front of him. He was pleased with the fact that I made that decision and was proud of me HA! It's probably pretty obvious now that something has changed. Not even sure if he will like the sober me or if I will like him now that I'm sober! Has anyone else dealt with these issues??

Anna

Well, I know I am not the same person that I was when I was drinking or in the years before I began drinking when I was a control-freak. I am still in the same relationship but the relationship has changed a lot. I now feel safe and peaceful with myself and it has made a big difference.

It sounds like you are wondering whether the relationship will continue? My suggestion is to take it slow and continue being honest with yourself. Things will work out as they should.

sazza

Hi freshstart!

Well, your post really strikes a chord with me. I am really struggling with my relationship at the moment. We had plenty of sober years together before I started drinking. But now I am all at sea.

I too was loving, chatty and affectionate when I was drunk. Now I am reserved and much quieter. I worry all the time...

Did he prefer me drunk? (He says no).

Did I prefer him when I was drunk?(I don't know)

Will my marriage survive my sobriety?( god, I hope so, but again I don't know)

I struggle with the fact that my marriage was happier when I was knocking back the wine. I wasn't happier, too busy being drunk, hungover and guilty, and then drunk again. A part of me knows that my husband misses the happy-go-lucky person I became when I drank. I miss that person too sometimes.

I really don't know what to do.

All I know is that I am sticking to my sobriety.

I hope somebody out there has some words of wisdom for us freshstart!

sazza

Hi anna, our posts mustve crossed!

MIBluebird

Absolutely right there with you. My relationship with the man I'm with has always revolved around drinking. In fact, we were set up because of our love of wine. I have no idea who I am or who I am going to be as I begin a life without drinking. I saw my addiction therapist today and she reassured me that it's too early in my recovery to go there and I just have to let it play out...and I've received that same advice on this site. I wish you the best and know that you are not alone.

Dee74

I wasn't in a relationship when I got sober but I know I went through many changes in the first few months...it took me a while to work out exactly who Dee was again.

Give yourself that time, take it slow, work out exactly who Fresh Start is - then you can go from there

D

FRESHSTART2010

Yea, I know I should wait to make any big decisions since it is so early in my recovery. I have been off and on with my ex-fiance for 9 YEARS! I know it's probably unhealthy even without alcohol in the picture. I look forward to talking to my addiction counselor about it when I have my meeting on Tuesday. I'm struggling with the thought that I really only hung on this long because I was lonely. Being a "closet alcoholic" is a really lonely life as many of you know. It helped my self esteem to know that someone still wanted me after I cared so poorly for myself.

SereniTee

I was in a relationship with a stoner when I got clean he was harmless enough but I experienced the same problems as you I didn't know how I was meant to be the dynamic totally changed. He wouldn't stop using around me and eventually we broke up it was def for the best. Now I am dating someone who is also in recovery and I am REALLY struggling to be cool, relaxed, not push him away when he is being romantic and not obssess. I am just moving really really slowly with the help of my counsellour and sponsor to simply date and kiss the guy until this weird awkward feeling subsides and then gently gently progress. Otherwise I know it will become too much and I will bolt. Probably into the arms of another active addict and yet more drama knowing me. I am done with that life now, I want something good and healthy. My problem and I think a lot of peoples' problems here is that we don't know what healthy looks like! Or what WE really look like.

Slowly and gently FreshStart . Hugs xx

C105

Here's my 2 cents. The first time I got sober, 20 years ago, we ended up divorced. I drank because I was miserable and when I got sober, I realized it wasn't only the drinking making me miserable. Maybe we would have divorced sooner had I not been a drunk. There are statistics somewhere that a woman who gets sober is much more likely to lose their relationship than a man who gets sober. Reasons: 1) we're less easy to control sober, and our mates resent that loss of control; 2) we've changed ("You're not the person I married.") which is bullsh*t since we're a better person and they're the one whose to lazy to change or 3) The drinking was hiding the inevitable.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: I remarried four years later and started drinking again, socially at first, seriously later. This time when I quit, my husband was supportive and its been much easier.
THAT QUIET, AKWARD phase does go away (I'm guessing you two are still in your first couple months... find an article about PAWS if you haven't yet) and you start to feel like you're actually connecting with a soul, not a drinking buddy.
Best to you all.
Chris

FRESHSTART2010

Thanks everyone! I am VERY early in my sobriety, 9 days. I know this time it is going to stick. I feel very different this time around. I am in the phase where I am really happy one minute and angry and irritable the next. I know that I love the guy that I am "with" but I'm just not sure that is enough. I don't know that things could ever be happily ever after even without the wine. Our relationship has essentially been based on lies. I have lied to him for years about the drinking. Now without the wine I am much more suspicious and angry about things that happened in the past. Before I could numb it and have a good time. He says he loves me but I'm pretty sure he was just using me for all these years. We have no official commitment and I didn't require much attention as I preferred to be alone anyway. Me and my wine was all I needed to feel content. He always knew that he could call me at all hours of the night and come over and get what he needed as long as I didn't pass out before I could open the door for him LOL. I would even have him bring a bottle of wine after I've already had one or two so I could explain my buzz from one glass of wine that we had together LOL. Oh and don't even get me started about the trunk full of bottles in my car! Oh, the excuses I made as to why we could never take my car anywhere Anyway, I guess I am just starting to feel like I deserve more now. I am just scared if I cut off all communication with him that I will be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. I know as time goes on and my appearance gets better my self esteem will follow. Hopefully I will also gain that confidence back that I once had! Just still trying to figure out what my "normal" is....

silly

Totally with you, FreshStart2010

I'm early in my sobriety too and I'm struggling with intimacy. For so many years I used alcohol to get "in the mood". Without it, I don't know what to do and have NO desire to go much beyond a few kisses. Anything more and I get uncomfortable and irritable. I know my Signif Oth is getting frustrated but I also don't want to do something against my will. I've asked for patience and that's about all I can do. Hopefully my sober body and mind will someday soon respond the way my drunk body and mind did so easily.
Best of luck! I know that everyone who's commented is right and that we just have to wait and see how we end up feeling about all of our relationships once we have some sober time under our belt. Until then, we sit tight and focus on sobriety.

C105

This is probably TMI, but sober sex... It takes a few weeks, but when you get that confidence back and start loving yourself , like you say ... everything gets better.

FRESHSTART2010

Definitely not TMI! That's just what I needed to hear! LOL!! I was afraid I would never enjoy that "activity" again! LOL! Thanks for the hope!

Scott1970

Ah relationships...let me tell you..if I found a magic wand to make them work in early sobriety I would make a fortune.

During my drinking time every relationship I was in was built on lies, substances and alcohol. They were a little disfunctional to say the least. Well I met a person who was never did anything and took her hostage...she (or I) put up with each others bs for almost 15 years. I lied, cheated and did whatever I could to remain numb during the entire time. She never said a word about my behavior. Two yrs ago when I put MYSELF into rehab the dynamics totally changed. I got out and actually had this wierd new thing called "Feelings". Well after a while of stopping meetings and aftercare I went back out with a bang! Now all of a sudden she wanted to put me back in treatment etc. I pretended to go to meetings but ended up at the bar..she was clueless. Well a week or two later after hitting a real bottom I ended up back in the rooms crying for help. I had a different attitude this time. It was my program, not hers. I need to change to make myself happy-no one else. I guess I need to do this for me.

Going to meetings I was getting the why are you going. As I started to feel, I saw the marriage I was in was a case of her controlling and doing everything for her. I heard I liked you better when you drank (BC I did not stand up for myself)..etc...fights were erupting and I honestly did not know how to handle things sober. My sponsor and my counselor told me to hang on until I learned more about myself. I needed to separate myself from the unknown and I basically closed up at home. This led to her telling me I was miserable, acting like I was dying, had no self-esteem etc.. To tell the truth I was a totally different person outside the house.

I was changing and she was keeping her old manipulating controlling ways. Yep, at the year mark I started looking at my options...apartments, seperation (heck I live upstairs and she lives downstairs now not much difference), divorce etc. Did start marriage counseling but there is the stink in the air of everything is me and only me. She is manipulating the counselor for pity and nothing absolutely nothing is her. I am trying to go at this with an open mind...but really at this point I am there to clear my mind...

I guess after all this rambling..in order for a relationship to work..you need to be able to be yourself, be comfortable with who you are with, not have to stretch the truth or be someone else just to conform. A friend, lover, whatever should be open and accepting to you and your past as it is....When I do that I am happy!

Kjell

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I haven't had a drink in over a year.

I'm hoping to start dating again and I'm very fearful of doing this sober.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal about this, but I'm worried about it.

Kjell