Aysha

Another thread got me thinking about something.
Meetings and people you meet there.

When I was locked up my old sponsor and former councelor were a constant. Writing me on the regular. My sponsor wrote me like 4 times my last week there. It was comforting. When I got out I did make an honest attempt to follow the plan. Go to meetings and reconnect with the fellowship.
The day I got out, I called my sponsor. No answer. Left a message. Hit her up on FB left a message. Tried to contact her again a couple more times. No response. At all. I stopped by the sober house to see the councelor. She wasnt in. She did call me back a few days later. That Friday 4 days after I got out, Went to a meeting by my house. It was a celebration. So I seen alot of people I knew. Most of them just looked right past me. Even attrempted a hi and conversation with a couple and it just kinds trailed off. I initiated all of it. And got no kind of response from any of them.
Am I doing somehting wrong? I see old freinds on FB and they got alot to say in the way of comments but when I attempt to actually connect and talk to them. Its like I am not even there. No response again. I call them those "sometimes" freinds.
Thats a huge reason why meetings just dont do it for me.
I can easily go to a meeting and be ok by myself. But it isnt suppose to work like that. It seems whenever theres connecting with others or making attempts to reach out to others it becomes an issue.
What is that all about?
I think I am a likable person. I am shy at first. But its not like I am new to the rooms. Alot of people know who I am. So why be all in my **** when I am locked up and clam up when I need the connection the most?
It doesnt make sense. I remember I asked this one girl for a ride to meetings. She always said no problem until right before it was time to go and then all kinds of excuses came up.
My faith in the fellowship is already shakey. All that just confirms my fear.
Anyone have any ideas as to what I am doing wrong?

Taking5

Well, I would never in a million years contact someone thru facebook to talk about the program - you are blowing their anonymity. Even a PM in facebook has a million holes in it. This may be why you got the cold shoulder.

That is the only thing you have done wrong, IMHO.

I would contact them again and ask them what you have done wrong.

SSIL75

You said in another thread that you haven't put more than a day together since you got out. Maybe they are reacting to that? Even if they're not 'supposed' to.. they are human, too right?

EmeraldRose

Have you contacted you counselor since then? Was the counselor maybe away on a trip or do you think just 'ignoring' you? I can't imagine the latter.
I have 2 facebook accounts (one for business) and on neither of them do I post anything more than quotes, weather comments or replying to someone's comment to me.
Texting, Facebook and modern technology can help you OR hurt you. People are too vague on there. Not real to me.
I think the ppl at your house aren't on the same level as you. You have grown inside and maybe why they -and you couldn't connect. You have nothing in common now...except staying clean.
I think, they aren't where you need to be and someone is trying to tell you that. Move on and find like minded ppl to grow on your journey. I undserstand you were just going back to be social and have some fun but now that you're clean I think you will perceive alot of things differently. You are growing.
IMHO

Rickie

What were you in prison for if you don't mind me asking?

Hope you're well.

R

Aysha

The only person I contacted through FB was the sponsor. She came to me first by that means before.
I went out the 2nd or 3rd day after I got home. It wasnt bad the first time. Noone knew. I have tried to contact a few more times by phone. Noone answers. Or returns my calls. As for others on FB its just general stuff with older friends.
Everyone had something to say to me when I first got home, being nosey and asking questions or beong not so direct with wanting to find out if what they saw on the news was true. But after that when I say how ya doin? How you been, wanna get together some time, it goes unanswered.
The councelor was just not in that day yet. I am suppose to be trying to get to the Mon meeting at the house and Thurs where my sponsor is. Saratoga is kinda far from me. A good 30 40 mins away. I was wortking nights and couldnt go. Thats why I went to the one on FRI by me. I been gone for 4 mos. I didnt have the extra gas to travel that far at first. When I did get money I was already on my run.
I will continue to make an effort if for nothing else but for my own well being. I been goin it alone most of this time already without f2f connections. My only constant is you all here.
Its like when things get rocky and your struggling is when people in the rooms seem to start acting weird.

keithj

Trish, with all due respect, going to meetings and connecting with the fellowship is not the plan. I know people who have done that for 10-15 years and never get any lasting sobriety.

The plan is the taking of the 12 Steps as outlined in the BB. The only thing my sponsor cared about in my early sobriety was how I was following the plan. Anything else, he really didn't have time for.

How well are you following the plan?

Aysha

I have tried to get an understanding of the steps several times with help from alot of people. My former sponsor would more rather hang out and watch movies or talk about how it was when we were out there and who we knew and all that. I know it says in the readings We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you dont in the past, how much or how little you have But only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help.
My sponsor comes from the same exact neighborhood I do and knows everyone I do out there. I never knew her out there tho.
I know she probably isnt the right sponsor for me. But she has almost 3 yrs clean coming form exactly where I am and this is her first attempt at recovery. So I thought it would have been a perfect match. Sometimes I feel like I remind her too much of the old life. But she is best friends and lives with another lady she use to run the streets with that is also clean.
I dont know.
I tried to get a percpective on the steps with the workbook and the Buddhism and 12 steps book I got.
I do have to admit I havent put mmore effort than I have had to. I know the answers lie in the steps. But it seems for that finding anyone to guide me is close to impossible.
I have my dad constantly telling me this and that through his wisdom of AA. He has over 25 yrs sober from it. But he is all about tough love and only says his peace and leaves me alone. Nothing more.
Which is what he should do. But I need soemone who knows and is willing to work with me. Women in general are hard to come by in NA around here let alone any of them with some clean time. So the ones who are potential sponsors already have a bunch of sponsees and cant take on anyone else.
I have tried to work the step workbook several times. I try to meditate on what they mean and how I can use them. But its impossible since I really dont fully understand what they are about.
I just know that today I feel even more determined to snap out of this self destructive attitude I have had lately. I havent felt this numb and careless since I lived in Florida. My behavior and thinking are right back to that life I had down there. All about running the street. Not even acknowledging that there is life beyond that lifestyle.
Its hard to explain but Its like being that way is familiar and comforting. Its what I do know and it is way too easy to be actin like some ignorant addict that says F the world.
But really deep down, it isnt really how I feel or want to be. Again it is a defense. Saving face sorta. Cause in reality I havent been able to cut it in the real world or in recovery.
I get so sick and tired of myself. Trying , doing it and then failing. I have no one to blame but myself.
So I feel like I get to be a burden because I just dont get it. Its not so much not getting it, I get lazy and complacent. Or ego and arrogance is a huge factor for me. '
As low as my self esteem can be. I am very arrogant alot of times. i dont mean to be. And its not in a I'm better than you kind of way.
I just get full of myself.
I think its time to seriously consider actually doing something, anything. Cause I just spin my wheels alot.
I can admit that.
I am easily discouraged,like with what I am talking about. No one is going to get me clean except me. I need to relize that.
I just dont get poeple sometimes. As I am sure they feel the same about me.

keithj

I'm being blunt, Trish, because it's not obvious how many chances you have left. We get this skewed idea that you can bounce in and out of the rooms for an indefinite amount of time because we see some people do it, reciting the mantra of 'relapse is part of recovery, just get back on the horse (not that kind of horse)' However, an equal number of people never get back and instead end up dead. It's just the way it is.

Obviously, this person is not the sponsor you need, nor the sponsor anyone needs. Someone who can guide you through the actions that result in a spiritual awakening is the person you need.


Right there, any responsible sponsor needs to ask you the question, "How's that working for you?", and see what your answer is. If you are convinced you can get clean, then their work is done and they should leave you to it.

Your experience, Trish, has been the exact opposite of what you believe. You have failed repeatedly at getting clean. Maybe, consider the possibility that you CAN NOT get clean, that you are right and truly screwed and things are not going to be better this time. In fact, there is little hope for you. Just consider it.

I'm not saying that to be mean at all. What I've said is the access point into the 12 Steps. That's the point you need to reach to make those work for you. As long as you are convinced that you can get yourself clean, the 12 Steps are essentially unavailable to you.

Snarf

I agree with keithj. For a really long time, I thought the only thing that could get me clean was me. As that was the case, I kept drinking. A lot. For a really long time.

It wasn't until I realized that I couldn't get myself clean that the real work finally began. Once I realized that I was hopeless and that my life had become unmanageable, then I was actually ready to begin working on my recovery. As long as I thought I had the power, I was never going to get clean.

But I gave up and gave in. Alcohol beat me, and I stopped fighting it. I just threw in the towel and turned to my corner man (God) and said, "That's it, I'm not in this fighting thing anymore. Tell me where to go from here." He did, He has, He does, and He will. I just keep following the path, and it's led to tremendous things in my life.

Aysha

I thought that was my problem. Thinking I am a lost cause. I never give up hope. I try not too anyway.
But I am beginning to truly believe there is none. That this is just what I am going to be for whatever time I have left.
I dont want to give up. But at the same time I get so sick of trying and failing.
I have only myself to blame.

Rickie

Here's my 10 cents.

I think you're unhealthily introspective. I think once you come to terms with how insignificant you, me, or anyone on this planet is, it might benefit you spiritually. Don't beat yourself about situations like when you tried to chat to everyone. It happens. Just think "**** them".

It might help you spiritually to come to terms how insignifcant you, me, or anyone is on this planet. The world can be a ****** place and we all have to deal with it or die.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - In my old home group, we had a few people that were constantly in and out. Being the humans that people are, a lot of people were frustrated, had said the same things over and over, and all they saw was these people going back out.

I noticed that if the person came back in and showed effort...went to meetings on a daily basis (sometimes more), spoke up and said "what I'm doing isn't working, I need help...I'm going to as many meetings as I can, I need a sponsor who can help me work the steps, because I just don't get it" got what they asked for.

If you really want AA/NA to work for you, you've got to put fort the effort. Listen, at meetings, to find people who work the steps..talk to them. They may or may not become your sponsor, but at least you're learning something in the meantime.

In other words, act as if your very life depends on this - because it does. If your sponsor isn't calling you back, find another one. She wasn't helping you in the way you needed any way. Sure, she's clean, she came from the same 'hood, but she isn't helping YOU get clean. My sponsor and I never hung out - it was purely "business" at doing step work. I just didn't take advantage of the opportunity at the time, and went back out.

Maybe stop thinking "I'm going to be an addict forever" and try "I don't WANT this life any more" and do what people suggest. Cut ties with your using friends, especially the one guy, read through step postings here on SR...there are a ton of them to get a better idea of what the steps are about. Put more thoughts and energy into recovery and work on closing the "using" chapter of your life. That's how I've had to look at it...there are several "chapters" of my life..the using one is closed. The recovery one is wide open, and I'm still learning, every day.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Liberty47

No one is hopeless, EVER. Ever. I have been trying to get clean for years and I have seen old-timers with 20 plus years who went to 15 plus treatment centers, repeated bottoms, etc. One of the few things I disagree with in the BB. God has kept you alive for a reason- for ways we don't understand, somehow your work on this earth isn't done.

I had the EXACT same problem in NA- hard hard time finding a woman to sponsor me. And when I did, it seemed like a lot of the people in the rooms were more interested in trying to one-up each other with how gangsta they were and how they had been then in trying to chase recovery instead. I personally found the drive in AA after four treatment centers, four overdoses and four times in jail. Yeah, I don't like the dogma about not being able to talk about drugs among some BB thumpers- I'm an alcoholic too but my DOC was Oxycontin/heroin- but I am finally beginning to understand what the steps are all about. I am not putting this forth in the attempt to compare fellowships- but the thing is, I am seeing a real spark of healthiness in you right now and I want to see you do well no matter what path you choose to pursue. Just sharing my personal experience as an addict who checked out another fellowship.

Dee74

Look at the response and the love here Trish - and the very many other threads you've had over the years.

We've never given up, we don't think you're hopeless - & neither should you.
Don't listen to those thoughts.

I do agree with Amy tho - you need to work like your life depends on it on it now, because it does, T.

D

LexieCat

Trish,

I haven't said much here, because your experiences with drugs are so different from mine with alcohol. I don't know what to say to be helpful.

Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. There's a worthwhile person in there--we've all seen her. She's you, but the drugs cover it all up with this blanket of crap.

Total surrender and complete williingness are the keys, I think. That's what did it for me.

michelle01

I feel like Lexie, it's a little difficult for me to identify with all this. Though I did have a family member in similar situation, underneath I think she was quite lonely and insecure, wanting to fit into a 'scene'. And I think she craved the drama and excitement. I spent some time in her circle, her judgment about the people in her life, especially guys, had been very skewered by her addiction.

Society these days doesn't seem to be as friendly as it used to be, you can blame that on a number of reasons. There are some great people in AA/NA, and some are flawed. I am a strong believer that when you make a commitment to someone you follow through on it, but when I went into AA I'd already steeled myself for some let downs. But it's very disappointing when an initial contact seems to be good. My HP and a few basic tenets are all that I really count on entirely.

Spawn

try a different group

Pinkcuda

I'll parrot what Keith said. All too often AA/NA has become about meetings. Pertinent idea "B" says that "No Human Power could have relieved our *** and meetings are just that "Human Power" that we seem to put a whole lot of faith in. Sponsors are the same way.
AA/NA is about 12 steps and a relationship with God. Meetings are a place to discuss this and hopefully shag a newcomer that we can help.

Aysha

Thank you everyone.
I can always count on everyone here to be honest with me. Tell me like it is and throw in a little understanding and kindness while giving it to me strait.
I appreciate that more than anything.
The more my head clears, The more I can have hope and feel like I want to actually try again.
I felt so beat down and worthless this past run. As many times as I have failed or run myself into the ground. Theres only been a few times I truly almost gave up or really didnt care to stop or change. Thats very scary.
I scare myself when I am like that. Cause when I go like that, I go hard.
I know I can do better and deserve alot more.
I owe it to myself and my family and the ones who are pulling for me not to give up.
I believe I have a purpose too. I must.
Theres no way I have made it like I have not to.