Aysha

Well, Yesterday was horrible. Today I feel alot better. But its because I actually got some rest and have not poisoned my mind and body for the first time in weeks.
My last use was Tues night. I went to the mental ward for the night Wed.
Came home and went bonkers.
Besides the fact I haventy put more than a whole day together since I got home. I went out Sat night and went hard until Tues night.
I managed to lose my job because my van broke down. My van needs a new starter and battery. My family thinks I have totally lost my mind. Which they wouldnt be wrong. I am killing myself over some dude that sells me death but yet talks all that good stuff. I should know better. I am all twisted over someone when its not even that serious.
My father told me I need to go away to a program for a year or 2. Nobody trusts me again.. Hell I dont even trust myself.
I have been arrogant, selfish and down right miserable and mean. Ungrateful and disrespectful.
I have been in a dream like state for weeks until today.
I was on a collision course to somewhere bad really fast and I didnt care. No hope or desire to even stop.
I did alot of thinking today. I dont mean just thinking about what happened. I mean real deep in the moment meditation. Where you stay in the now and just look at the big pisture and try to figure out why my thoughts and feelings are the way they are.
I am so stupid. It all stems from this guy. I go buy and use so I can see him. Why do I want to see him? I dont want to be with him on a serious level. I guess I just like the attention he gives me. I havent had any in a very long time. Then I got caught up in all the excitement and all the money. It was like the good times back in the day. I cant say it wasnt fun. Because it was. And it hasnt been fun in a very long time. Thats going to be a problem.
Main thing is..Its not fun now. It was short lived and carried a very high price.
I came here yesterday like a freakin mental outcast talking about who knows what. Spitting venom with every key stroke. For that I apologize. I feel the worst about my feelings toward my gram. That woman is a saint. I am so ashamed of myself. If it wasnt for her I would have been long dead or locked away for a long time all by myself.
I am still a little foggy but it is clearing.
Tomorrow is Monday and its crunch time. I gotta do something. No more whining and poor me.
It is time to snap out of it and get it together or I am afraid this is it for me.
There are no more chances for me. There havent been for a long time.
Anyway. I apologize for the way I have been. But I sure do appreciate you all being here and putting up with me.
WHen smacked said she had to check the dates of my post because it sounded the same as before I got locked up. That really hit me hard. That tells me I havent changed a bit. And thats not good.
So as always. Thank you so much for being here when I had my meltdown. For being patient and helping me through. Even though I was a blabbering idiot yesterday. You all have no idea how much you helped me yestrday.
I am always indebted to every one of you here.
Respect always.

suki44883

My father told me I need to go away to a program for a year or 2.

Is this feasible? Is there some way you can do it? I really think you need more than just the regular 30 days or 60 days. You really need long term intense treatment.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I think your dad's idea is a good one.

I didn't respond on your post about (((Grams))) because I kept thinking "she's the reason you said you HAD to leave sober living for". You two are too close and too sick to be together, right now, IMO. I know you love her, I know she loves you, but it's not healthy....she'll love you to your grave, and you'll let her because that's the way it's always been.

I truly hope you find something, and quick, that puts you on the right track. Excitement, fun, attention? You can enjoy all those in recovery, but you've got to put some work into it. It HAS to be the most important thing in your life.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

coffeenut

It all stems from this guy. I don't think so, T. This is about you.

Listen to your Dad, girl....listen to your Dad.

Aysha

Yea..I dont really mean it stems from him completely. But it sure has me running back more than usual.
I am freakin obsessed for some reason. Its sick.
I have lost alot of weight since my surgery and it has me overwhelmed. I am getting attention like I use to. Its been so long since anyone has even looked at me let alone gave me the time of day. But its not a good thing. I feel so much better and look so much better. But if I dont do with it like I should. WHats the point?
I didnt have the surgery to kill myself. Oh I may look cute doing it. YEa..OK.
I need to get over myself and fast.
I can admit how self absorbed I can be. Its not the real me. But after so many years of being this big huge disgusting blob. And now I feel like a woman again. I am taking that in the wrong direction tho.
I need some serious hellp. With alot of things. '
I guess its true when they say you may just get what you wish for.
I am far from perfect. No where near better than anyone.
But my self esteem has been crap because of my appearance for so long.
Now I am just doing the same thing 100 times worse. Now I have more to exploit.
I am my worst enemy.
But it has to stop.
And now.
I cant do this anymore.
The possibilities if I got my **** together. I want a good man that truly likes me for me. Not what I can do or get. I want someone that isnt running the streets and selling misery. Or with a baby mother at home. I deserve better.
I want better. I know I can do better.
I just have to do it.
And right now it isnt even about being with anyone. I am in no condition to be trying to get with anyone.
I need to be alright with me first.
Funny, Before I lost the weight it never even crossed my mind to want to be with anyone. I was ok by myself. Now I feel so lonely.

Aysha

I wanted to add too that any type of program is going to be hard. As before, insurance isnt willing to pay. The salvation army here is for men only. I was sanctioned when I left the halfway house so I cant get the TA coverage for that again. My only bet is IOP. Insurance will cover that for some reason. But its better than nothing.
I am making the call tomorrow.

michelle01

Take care of yourself Trish. In the long run that's the best thing for everybody, including Grams. That's been the case in my life. I'm nearly 40 and there's not the same dynamics here but I have had a smothering relationship with my mother, with no proper emotional boundaries - a lot of unhealthy over dependence on each other. It took leaving home and mixing with others to see that it was not normal, and our relationship changed. I have to be careful though that I don't imitate her with younger members in my own family, because I seem to have the same sort of nature. It took therapy to get to this awareness - getting the help from people who could be objective.

It's your personal situation to sort out but it sounds to me like a good time to be assessing your options.

Would like to add that this didn't make my mother a bad person... just mixed up, but I had to focus on my own recovery because I couldn't rely on her to change.