Creekryder

Fighting and surrendering to my battles of alcoholism, I find myself once again dazed and shaken by constant relapses and remissions. It seems the struggles become more black and white. Either I am at the top or lying on the bottom. This week I find myself on the top. After a short binge last weekend, I wrote in my journal of how weary I was of having to fight all the time to remain sober. Perhaps, as many of you will think, my battles are ill-equipped and ineffective without outside intervention. And you very well may be correct. I can concoct a thousand reasons why I don't need external help, as I go to battle with a stick and a rock against an enemy with full body armor and automatic weapons. Stubborn #%^& Irishman, will I ever master a win?
I physically am feeling much better than a few days ago. Sobriety has a flawless record of providing this to me. Why the hell I would return to the dark corner of intoxication completely eludes me at present. I am absolutely convinced that a relapse will be the demise of my health and the result will be catastrophic. With this in the forefront of thoughts, it makes the decision not to drink easy. But what will happen if all the physical symptoms improve to the point I dismiss these restraints and forget what is the problematic cause?

Today, I chose not to concern myself with that possibility. Today I am what I am. Sober.

Padraic

Mark75

That is, in fact, the answer... what a program of recovery deals with.

NEOMARXIST

I know for me then if i didn't work my recovery 'one day at a time' i.e- every single day, then I would be back in a blackout drunk before long. No doubt about it. I know for me that getting sober was easy but it was staying stopped that was the seemingly impossible part. I would just feel totally utterly p*ssed off and like I deserved to be able to get some release from myself and life and my preffered method was getting absolutely wasted through drink and drugs.

I know for me then I have to seek outside help to make this possible and I use AA, SR and much wisdom from elsewhere. I know that booze is more powerful than I'l ever be and I'd never be able to beat it or conquer it. So I just admitted defeat and don't attempt to conquer it and just don't play in the first place by staying sober. Like i say I need to work a recovery program to keep myself able to stay content with my situation.

Nice one on your sober time, All the best.

Peace

bellakeller

Quit fightin' and go to AA or something. AA made my alcohol issues so much less of a battle.

Thanks for the update. You've been in my thoughts.

Untoxicated

That hardest part of my early sobriety was finding out what that true problematic cause was. I'm still working through it and as long as I continue to do so how can I forget?

Good to see you again P.

Stevie1

Congratulations for today, Padraic!

I recently gave up on fighting the leviathon with a rock and a stick and got outside help...feels pretty good.

Taking5

I found that I am the problem, not alcohol. Lots of people can use alcohol responsibly. I am not one of those people.

I quit fighting my addiction and surrendered. It is a lot easier this way.

Hevyn

Relieved to see you, my friend. I've been wondering how it was going.

I never understood why I picked up just at the point where I was beginning to feel human and hopeful again. I kept insisting I could recreate my early drinking days, when I still had control. I was convinced if I could summon up enough willpower, I wouldn't have to stop all together. I remained stuck in that insanity for years.

I'm glad today is a good day - maybe this will be your new beginning. Try to banish the thought that pouring alcohol down your throat will somehow improve things - it will do nothing but bring you down and kill your spirit.

Thank you for sharing this with us, Padraic. Sending love.

Dee74

People are probably sick of me saying this - but you're not fighting alcohol P - you're fighting yourself...and the trouble with doing that is that, no matter the outcome, you lose.

I hope you'll soon accept who and what you are, lay down those arms, and ...come home.

D

Creekryder

You're probably correct, Dee. I'll have to do some reflection on your comment. But it appears to me at this time, alcohol addiction and myself are all wrapped together. I do beat myself up because I keep doing stupid things. The rational side of me, which I know exists, seems to fail in getting the idea across that I am destroying myself. I think I can take a beating rather than to die of this addiction.
On a brighter note, today marks day 7 for me. I contribute the success on getting more sleep, eating healthfully, exercising, meditation, and...

...beating the crap out of myself.

Thanks for the positive thoughts from all.

Padraic

Dee74

congratulations on your week, mate.

Do think on that tho because beating myself up only made me tired and, ultimately, vulnerable...there's far better uses for that energy P....

D

Stevie1

Congrats on your week!

Your rational side is no match for the irrationality of addiction. And beating yourself up won't acheive much. Be kind to yourself instead. ((hug))

Creekryder

I promise not to beat too much. After all, the only thing I truly own is myself. Thx to all. Sober and feeling quite good tonite. Day 7 ends without a problem. Rest assured, I know the challenge is just around the corner at any given moment.

PS. I even feel my sense of humor returning, however, I will spare everyone from it tonite.

Peace
Padraic

gravity

You joined SR May 2007, I joined SR December 2007.

I also joined AA (sponsor, steps, meetings) got help from a counsellor, family, friends, received medical advice/assistance...the whole shooting match.

You? Still trying to do it on your own?

I've been sober for over 3 years.

We are both just drunks, nothing special.

Hope you find your path.

artsoul

I can totally relate to this. The rational part of me (and my soul, too) got lost somehow to the insistence of that compulsive urge to drink. It took weeks if not months to resurrect it. I just kept believing what everyone said here: it will get better. The obsession will fade.

One thing that really helped was to come here and read every day (sometimes two or three visits).... Until I had some sanity to rely on, I needed to rely on others' clarity to motivate me.

Stay in the moment, enjoy your week sober, and keep coming back!

Creekryder

True that, Gravity, true that. Great to hear of your success for 3 years. Wow! I want three of those years too. And as far as just being drunks...yeah, but we're sober drunks tonight, right? I appreciate you looking in on me.

Peace
Padraic

Creekryder

Artsoul
Your point of taking awhile for the abstinence to resurrect in commitment reminds me it will gain the upper hand if I allow it. Thanks for putting it in front of my face. Sometimes I need to be reminded how to walk. I usually visit at least once or twice a day, but have been feeling rather silent. Quite a relief for many here. (ha ha) Thanks for taking time to write.
Padraic

reggiewayne

Hey there Creedryder. I know what you mean. We want to quit drinking because it's wrecking us. Many call this experience a bottom. We know it's killing us, we know it makes us feel lousy both physically and emotionally so we quit. Then we start feeling better, thinking better, and existing in life better. We then don't really see the harm in few drinks. I just went through this literally two days ago.

For me I have to admit / accept that I am alcoholic. If that answer is true in December then it's true in February. If it's true in 2011 then it's true in 2012. I think almost every doctor in America would agree that "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic". So drinking (as much as this sucks to say and admit) is no longer an option. If we alcoholics drink the results are always the same. We start losing things. It may be as simple as the ability to think clearly and as drastic as our families. And more probable everything else in the middle. We must find a way to live in this world without the desire for alcohol. For me this is fairly easy to accept, EXCEPT when it's not. When it's not easy for me to accept if I am not spiratually fit, not drinking is the hardest thing on earth for me to do.

I am in AA and am not yet done with the steps. I am on step 8. It has been promised to me that life will become much easier to deal with, without alcohol once I've completed the steps. I will say I've never regretted not drinking. I don't look back on the 81 days I've had sober and think alcohol would have made them better. I am just going to keep plugging away at this recovery thing until the miracle happens. In some ways it already has. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be able to handle life for 81 days without booze I wouldn't have believed. Sobriety was for people that had their sh!t together, not a drunk like me.

Well, it's just day by day that I don't drink. One day leads to a week, which leads to 30 days, which leads to 60, which leads to 90, and so on. It's just one day at a time...

FrothyJay

There was a period of about 10 years where each and every day, I swore to stop drinking.

Now here's the important part: I believe if you had given me a lie-detector test each of those mornings, I would have passed. I was not lying when I said I would not drink that night. My intentions were pure, I was committed.

Yet, somewhere around 4PM, I began to revise my commitment. First, I would simply scold myself for over-reacting. Then I would walk it back to, "tonight I won't overdo it. I'll just have enough to relax."

Over. And. Over. Day. After. Day.

There's a line from the AA Text Book, in the Dr.'s Opinion, which captures the essence of alcoholism's insanity:

"The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false."

It was when I realized that my willpower was useless against this sort of madness that I was able to comprehend just how much trouble I was in.

I was told to stop trying not to drink, and to start trying to find a power sufficient to overcome my drinking.

The 12 steps of AA provide this.

barleycorn

You guys (and gals) rock! I am so fortunate that I was able to find S/R. I am on day 8 of sobriety and I attribute so much of it to S/R and the many inspiring and encouraging comments and stories I have read from S/R members. Keep up the good work! I, and many others need and count on you to keep us going.