What am I even doing here?

Old 02-18-2011, 07:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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What kept me coming back even when I was still using was it gave me HOPE.
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:11 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
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Keep talking it out here, Trish. Like Dee says, you KNOW what is right. If we could do it for you, we would, but we can't. We do have faith in you, though. You've gone quite a while in the past without using, started getting your life in order, etc. You can do it again. You just need to want it badly enough. Hang in there, and keep talking it out.
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:19 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Wish there was something I could say that would be helpful..... I can certainly relate to repeatedly going back to the same destructive behavior over and over again.

I was also very good at thinking about being sober/clean while still drinking. It didn't sound very appealing, too much work, and I couldn't face giving up the drink that seemed to be my only hope of happiness (however temporary). The addict in me didn't have the energy to care about much of anything - especially myself.

Infact, my sane mindwas still there, but had been buried and taken over by the addict mind. It took some time for it to resurface. It wasn't until I was months into sobriety that I actually began to want sobriety, instead of just wanting to "not drink". So don't depend on your using mind to look objectively at your using mind...... know what I mean?

I'm sending prayers that someone will come into your life who can help you in a positive way..... You really could start to experience miracles in your life if you choose to take one baby step in the right direction. Don't think about it. "Just do it.":ghug3
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:41 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I have made zero effort in trying anything to stop.
no effort = no reward

I had to change my belief system to start thinking differently.
Some cognitive therapy may help you....if you want to stop using drugs.
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Old 02-18-2011, 07:44 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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1) Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

I've often heard the first step played back as, "I just can't drink." Well, I think that's wrong. The first step means, "I just can't help but drink." I have always lost in my ability to stop drinking and using, because at the very root of it, I'm insane. I cannot discern the true from the false, and I select false.

I've also heard the first step described as when we get hope. Well, I think the first step is actually about hopelessness. Complete and utter surrender. We will be destined to repeat the same behavior until someone locks us up or we die.

Can you identify with these concepts? Instead of thinking, "It'll be different next time," why not explore the idea, "It won't be different next time. Why do I kid myself that it will?" That's hopelessness, and it's from that point of despair and concession that we are able to launch ourselves into a spiritual program of action.

2) Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Not God, but a god of our conception. If you are at this incredibly low, defeated place, where your power has failed you time and time again, shouldn't you at least hope that there is some power that could restore you to sanity? Maybe you don't believe, or don't know, but if someone said hey, guess what, I can prove there's a creative intelligence greater than all of us and if we try to connect with it, we can solve our problems, are you telling me you wouldn't take that deal? If you wouldn't-- you aren't really clear in Step 1. You have reservations.

Step 1 and 2 are inextricably linked. The quality of your willingness to believe in something greater than yourself is directly linked to the depth of your surrender in Step 1. We can't admit powerlessness and then lay out a plan of action based on willpower.

Step 3: Turned our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I did not understand God or god or Steve the Almighty one bit when I took my third step, and I will tell you the words of the Third Step Prayer came out of my mouth and meant absolutely nothing to me. I told my sponsor this and he said, "I don't care. You see, it says 'came to believe.' You don't need to believe now. But you do need to start Step 4, next and at once."

Imagine a man came onto a cancer ward and said, "OK, all you hopeless people. I have a way for you to recover, for good and for all. You don't need to die. You simply need to take certain steps of a spiritual nature, and we generally see a 50-75% recovery rate. Who's in?" Do you think those people would start wringing their hands, talking about what's wrong with the program? No, faced with their imminent demise, they'd do whatever it took to survive. The problem with alcoholism is that it never really feels like the demise is imminent. It's always a distant possibility, and that's the seduction of it-- it lures us in, because it doesn't just want us dead, it first wants us miserable, lonely, poor, and physically broken. Then it will kill us off.

Alcohol and drugs are not your problem. They are your solution for an insidious cancer that's eating you from the inside out.

You've got to treat the cause, not the condition.
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:58 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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"I feel really unbalanced. On a fast track to somewhere really bad."
Above is what you wrote today.

"Hey everyone. Well I just read my last thread. Wow...How accurate I was about feeling something bad was going to happen. "
This is what you wrote after getting released from time served in the home invasion.

The reason I brought these two posts together is because I think you know if you don't get things turned around something bad WILL happen. I am a firm believer in trusting your instincts. And it will only be a matter of time. Spending the rest of your life locked up would be such a waste when you can reach out for help now. BUT at least if you were locked up your family wouldn't worry so much..they would know where you were.

I too want someone to come into your life in a positive way. But they don't just show up knocking on your front door..reach out!
I have seen too many people that don't make it back to sobriety.
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Old 02-18-2011, 11:19 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
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I am so ashamed of myself.
How I let some man cloud my judgement.
I never do that.
He says all the right things. He makes me feel so special. I like being around him.
But the truth is, All he cares about is money and getting what he can.
I feel really stupid. Thats what has driven to get high most of the time lately.
Wanting to see him. And I know deep down that he could never really like someone like me. I use. I am good for one of 2 things. Yet it doesnt stop me.
I cant stop thinking about him. And I dont even want to be with him like that. Just spend time once in awhile.
Am I so lonely that I have to subject myself to distruction in order to feel wanted by someone?
Its disgusting.
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:47 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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you know we dont shoot our wounded here,

we can give them a good swift kick in the ass!

when the hell are you going to surrender 100%

and let go the that damm foolish pride and ego?

self-centeredness is the root of our problems,

and our problems are of our own making

get the freak'n white flag out trish!

i bet you wear white well now
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Old 02-19-2011, 04:44 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2011
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Oh dear.. You are pretty messed up! You remind me one of my drink buddies called Jazmine. But thank god, we got in and out together. My advice based on experiences is for you to seek counselling. Believe me or not, therapies will help you get back your self-confidence and self-esteem. It will help you in identifying things in your life that are affecting you indirectly and you never realized that they were there.

My prayers out for you dear and may you succeed.

If you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to share your pains as I've been there and done it!

Best of luck
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Old 02-19-2011, 11:55 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
I got nothin'
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Hey, T.

Okay, so here's the obvious: Something has to change. What you are doing isn't working. Please get help.

I wish I could help you. All I can do is continue to offer support. SR will always be here for you. When we struggle the most is when we need this place the most. I hope that you'll stick around here. I also hope that you try something different for recovery. Maybe the change is more dedication or a different group. Maybe the change is therapy. Help is available, you have to reach out and grab it.

What are you afraid of giving up, T? What are you afraid of losing if you quit the drugs and the lifestyle?
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Old 02-19-2011, 12:04 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I don't know why you wouldn't come here if you are still suffering...seems perfectly logical to me!

It's up to you to make a know what you need to do...
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:13 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
everything is already ok
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Time to take some of the advice and act on it Trish, you will die or maim yourself or live the life of the living dead, sounds like you are.

Get help and take it, get out of home off the streets and into any rehab anywhere.

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