MrRay

Hey there, I'm new here. I guess I'll start this off by giving some background information about me. At age 12, I was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder). I was medicated and went through therapy. After a couple years, it seemingly dissipated for the most part. It didn't really resurface until after I had graduated and was apart of the workforce for awhile. I worked through it and performed my job as usual up until my lay-off about 8 months ago. Around that time, my brother moved back into the house. He's big into the party scene and, as such, the presence of booze became pretty prevalent in the house. The longer I was on unemployment, unable to find another job...the more my depression and anxiety attacks started to re-assert...and the easier it became to nurse my psychological state with booze. I've become what my brother refers to as a "ninja drinker". I'll numb myself with alcohol while rarely letting a person know I'm drinking in the first place. Even in an inebriated state, I try to keep others away from me as much as possible, as I don't want anyone to see me that way. However, another reason I avoid people became perfectly clear to me recently. When I'm drunk, I'm a two-sided coin. On one side, I'm extremely compassionate and loving...but on the other, lies multi-generational anger issues. My father grew up with one of the most evil and abusive drunken personalities someone could have as a father...but when he sees me under the influence, he sees the same exact cold stare in my eyes that my grandfather had...something he's never seen in any of my brothers. The thought of being anything like my grandfather disturbed me to no end and I resolved to keep alcohol from my lips...yet, less than a week later, I found myself numbing my pain once again, despite my desires to refrain. I realize I'm no long-time alcoholic...I'm still very young...but I don't want to turn into one before my life even truly begins..

Dee74

Welcome Mr Ray

I'm not sure how young you are, but it's great you're thinking about this now.
SR has really helped me with support and ideas - I hope we can help you too.

I don't think we can have too much support tho - have you thought about face to face support - like AA or a similar group or counselling?

D

MrRay

I'll be 22 this year, so yeah, I'm pretty young. My church has a support group called "Celebrating Recovery" that I'm sure at least a couple people here are familiar with. I suppose the only thing that's kept me away from it is my own foolish pride. One of my first dreams as a young child was something that totally boggled the minds of people that heard it...To be a minister. Someone who could offer personal and spiritual guidance to others. Of course, wisdom comes through suffering and experience...so, perhaps there is purpose to even this instance of my life..

Sasha4

Hi welcome

I'm glad you are here.

It sounds like drinking with your history would not be a good idea. Many of us on here, me included, have suffered from depression and anxiety. Booze is a depressant, and I know in me the morning after I have killer anxiety.

I understand what you mean about the two sided coin. I don't like the drunk me. I think I'm aggressive, moody and not nice to be around.

I actually don't ever really remember any good nights out when booze was involved. For me it was mostly blackout drinking, having to be put to bed. There were no mornings afterwards laughing about the night before's going on's for me.

I'm sure others will be along soon


Take care
xx

MrRay

Yes, that's mostly true for myself as well. I'll drink by myself to uplift my mood and feelings on a given night...But the following morning, I'll curse my own actions...And yet, despite those feelings, that won't be the end of it. In my case, I truly am my own worst enemy. >.<

Stevie1

MrRay, I wish I'd been as mature and self-aware as you at 22.

Pride kept a lot of us from reaching out for help so I think many here understand...IRL help is giving me hope and keeping me sober one day at a time, these forums are incredibly helpful as well. I hope you keep coming back and acheive your dreams. I think you will.

ste

How can one so young be so wise? Wisdom comes from more than suffering and experiece, in my humble opinion. Babies are born with it, their conscience. Later it gets adulterated, and/or fostered. You are wise enough to realize drinking adulterates your wisdom. More power to you.

Ezekial comes to mind. Was he crazy; yes by societys norms at the time. Was he correct; yes, if what I have read is true.

I rightly, or wrongly, believe there is purpose to every instance in life. Some are insignificant, others life changing; and the wise pay attention to the life changing ones.

You're your own worst enemy? Better you than a stranger (or associate). You can, and will (with conviction) control yourself. You have the wisdom, just have to add the conviction.

LexieCat

Hi, MrRay,

My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he's stayed sober (and had a good life) for the past 31 years. I can't imagine what his life would have been if he'd gone on the way he was going for another 20 years.

Glad you are taking steps to address your drinking now.

AA is a good choice, too.

Hevyn

Hi MrRay - I'd give anything to go back and save my 22yr. old self from the drinking life. I spent decades trying to control it, with disastrous results. You'll never have to look back & see a path of destruction if you deal with this now.

Your idea of being a minister seems a great thing to throw yourself in to. Keeping my mind occupied was key in the early days. The people of SR know just what you're going through - stay here and keeping sharing your feelings. We care about you.

Fandy

hi Mr. Ray (love the avatar BTW)...I'm with Hevyn on this one...SAVE YOURSELF and give yourself a chance to develop into a stable lifestyle....you really do want that, to grow and achieve independence in many ways.

I've also been treated for major depression and believe me drinking exacerbates it, big time....don't be afraid to seek out help....i'm assuming that no job means no benefits so your church group might be a viable alternative (unless your parents can cover you on their plan).

come here, read and post often....I would hope that older brother would realize he is not helping you and take his atmosphere elsewhere.

least

Welcome to the family. I've heard good things about Celebrate Recovery, why not give it a good try. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here, I sure have.

Draciack

Hi MrRay

I lived in that cycle for a long time - wanting to medicate my depression / anxiety with booze, getting that reprieve for a few hours, then waking up guilty, ashamed, and longing to start the whole thing all over again. Over time, my drinking made depression and anxiety a whole lot worse, if for no other reason than I never developed real tools to deal with the emotions and relied on alcohol like the psych addict that I was.

SR is a great place and you'll find a lot of support here

jerseytomato

Hi MrRay,

It is GREAT that you are so young and that you want to make a change. I lived in denial for years and years with my usage just increasing over the years. I had to lose a lot in my life before I even admitted to having a problem. You aren't alone in your feelings. To me that is the most comforting thing...that other alcoholics/addicts know how I feel when "normal" people around me just don't get it.

Danae

Hi Mr Ray,

Love your Domo avatar!

I agree with everyone who said it is fantastic you already have this much insight. Please don't let pride keep you from getting all the types of help you need. Think how proud you'll be when you work through this.

Welcome, and keep posting

D

MrRay

Thanks to everyone who posted so far. I appreciate all your uplifting words. I'm gonna try to go to my church's next Celebrating Recovery meeting (which I believe is tomorrow?). I'm hoping it'll be a good experience. Also, Fandy and Danae, thanks...I love Domo. :P

MrRay

Day 2 for me. Last night, I got a craving just like I knew I would but I picked up my X-Box controller and played till I was too tired to think about it anymore. :P
Today, I'm feeling pretty good...Of course, the real test for me always comes in the evening (particularly being Friday), so hopefully I'll be as successful at shunning my urges as last night.

chibeartrybear

I really appreciate your efforts, my friend. Nothing is worse than the guilt and anxiety the following morning, right?

artsoul

Hope you're doing well tonight, Mr.Ray...... The first Friday evening was a tough one for me. The idea that others were going out drinking made me feel alone and envious. Hang in there - each time you get through another urge to drink, you'll be that much stronger. In time, the obsession goes away and all I can say is that it's a huge relief when it does. Hanging around the people here has really helped me - in the beginning especially.

I believe things happen for a reason, too. Maybe we've been "blessed" to have depression/anxiety! It had definitely given me compassion for others (a good quality for the ministry, by the way). Try to look at the positives of it, and the good things that can come from going through this recovery process.

You can do this!:ghug3

MrRay

Lol thanks, you guys. Yeah, Bear, the guilt never fails.
And yeah, artsoul...It is difficult. I walked downstairs to see family members laughing together with martini's or glasses of wine. The social appeal of drinking was kinda lost for me awhile back, so I don't really miss that...but it certainly got me jonesing for some rum. For now, I'm just trying to relax and do some reading. Maybe watch a movie or something. A bit more difficult for me today than yesterday, but I'm holding on so far.

CarolD

I so hope you will go to cR....or AA...
It's great to find new friends who share your gols.