One Year Sober and Still Miserable
 

Hello, I'm posting here because I feel I need to try something different in my recovery. I've managed to do fairly well so far by myself, but I know I need to reach out now if I want to continue to get better. I should probably begin with a bit of backstory. I have been an addict since the age of fifteen; your garden-variety 'garbage head' user, doing whatever drugs I could get my hands on. This arc of abuse followed a typical path from heavy pot smoking and psychedelics to prescription drug use (mostly speed and benzos) in high school, to a massive cocaine and meth addiction in my early twenties. Near the end, I was shooting up to several grams of coke a day and smoking crack and meth whenever I could. At age twenty-five I found myself living at the YMCA and eating at soup kitchens, and decided the only way out was to join the army. Halfway through basic training, I was given leave for Christmas and relapsed on cocaine as soon as I got off the bus. Upon arriving back at Fort Leonard Wood to finish my training, I pissed hot for drugs and nearly got chaptered out of the military. I managed to stay in by owning up to my mistake and asking my commander for another chance. When I got to my first unit, I vowed to stay off of drugs for good, but I told myself that I could drink alcohol and be fine. After all, booze wasn't my problem. The next three years saw my army career in the toilet due to being constantly hung-over and physically messed up from the drinking. Even worse; I had become a 'shut-in drunk', spending my free time drinking alone in the barracks, absolutely miserable. After a number of reprimands for this behavior, I was transferred to another unit. Again, I managed to keep from getting kicked out because outside of the drinking, I was a pretty squared-away dude. Less than a month into my new assignment I was busted by the MP's for DWI. My squad leader went to bat for me, so I only lost some rank. A week later, I showed up to morning PT smelling of vodka, and I was ordered to complete an outpatient rehab program. I honestly don't know how I managed to avoid a discharge, but I know that this has got to be my last chance. I finished treatment with the help of a Campral prescription, and have been totally sober for a year now. I am thankful for the breaks I have been given, and I am determined to live free of drugs and alcohol. However, the fact is that I've spent my entire adult life under the influence in one way or another, so the concept of living my life sober is a daunting one. I feel that I got 'not using' pretty much down; I hardly ever crave drugs or think about getting high. It's just I feel like I have to learn everything all over again, how to meet people, how to talk to women, how to socialize. I don't have the easy crutch of using to help me through everything, and it's scary. I also have no idea of how to handle the constant stress from my job; in the past when I'd get angry or frustrated about work, I'd reach for a drink. Now with no outlet, I find people around me constantly irritating, and I always seem pissed off and impatient. I can't believe I'm still this depressed after a whole year of sobriety. I thought things were going to get better, but it seems like my thoughts just chase each other around in my head. About a month ago, I found out that my unit is going to deploy overseas. I told my fiance, who had up until then been completely supportive of my recovery, and she broke off the engagement about a week later. She said that it was already hard enough with her living so far away (she lives in L.A., I'm in upstate NY) and that it would be worse with me deployed. At first, I thought I was handling the break-up pretty well; in the past, the end of a relationship usually meant a devastating ordeal ahead. But I was doing okay, still sober, still managing work and so forth. A month later I'm not so sure. I don't want to use, but all kinds of awful thoughts are tearing me up. (Maybe I can't handle a normal life. Why do women always leave me? You know you're no good. Everything in your life falls apart. Things are never gonna change., etc.) The walls feel like they're closing in and I don't know where to turn. I no longer want to get high but I sure don't know where to go from here.

Thank you for your military service. ..:yup:
You must be well thought of in your job and units...
...you have gotten a lot of breaksfor sure.
The Army is not known for its kindness...:)

Have you considered hooking up with AA or NA before you are deployed?


For now...omitting relationships is not a bad idea...you can
explore that after you come back stateside...safe and sober.


Keep posting with us..Welcome to our recovery community..:wavey:

Hi Undertow

I had to do more than just not drink to be happy - maybe it's the same for you?

I stopped drinking but I still had that aching void in me I'd tried to fill with booze...I had to deal with that.

Some people join a recovery group like AA or NA, or SMART etc, others go to counselling, some people find that joining here is enough to help them untangle some of those knots we all seem to have.

I've worked hard over the last 4 years but for the first time in my adult life I'm happy and I'm comfortable and at peace with who I am.

I hope we can help you on your way to getting to that point too :)

Welcome to SR :)
D

Welcome to the family.:) I hope we can be as much help to you as this site has been to me.:hug:

Welcome! You're a good writer and have great insight. I can feel you through your pain through your words :hug: I think some kind of face to face support would help a lot. AA or a counselor or something. I can absolutely relate to feeling lost without my DOC (alcohol). I used it for everything and when I took it out there was a huge void. Are you connected with other sober people? That is really helpful to me. Just watching how other sober (not necessarily recovering, just sober) people live their lives.

Undertow, you must be pretty damn good at your job to have gotten the breaks and the support thus far. I also thank you for your service.

Early sobriety (or while still actively using/drinking) is a difficult time to start or maintain a relationship. I'm sorry your fiancee broke off your engagement...maybe now is the time to concentrate on other parts of your life. Does the army offer counseling, do you have access to AA or some other way to connect with recovering addicts? If face to face support isn't an option, spend time reading and sharing here...this is a great resource.

I had to get help for depression before I could stay sober and feel okay about it. I do therapy about every other week and take meds that give me a fighting chance in life.

Welcome to SR.

When we stop drinking and using drugs, we are no longer treating the underlying conditions of our disease, so more often than not, we feel worse. At least the booze and drugs soothed the jagged edges of our misery.

I had to treat the condition, not the symptom. Simply not drinking and not using only treats the symptom.

You are miserable because you have not treated your addiction.

The 12 steps of AA and NA treats that condition. We can get free.

It's not preaching, it's not religion. It's hard work on ourselves.

Welcome to SR and thank you for your service!

Congrats also on 1 year. I found that getting sober freed me up to work on my emotional issues. Only by doing that was I able to get happy:) I'm not sure what your options are considering you are about to be deploywd but maybe look into it?

Hang out here as much as possible....it helps:)

Its not a crime to be depressed. Have you considered anti-depressant medication from your doctor

Hi Undertow :)

Its a good idea for us to work seriously on our health everyday in order to keep our ability to maintain the sober path. Mental health, physical health, spiritual health. Work on each everyday if only for a little while. I have almost two years now i think and my life is not the way i want it but nor am i miserable because i finally took back my freedom from the bottle. I can make my own decisions and create my own future now and that is the only real freedom we have imo. Good luck!

Congrats on your 1 year of not drinking or using. I'm also around the 1 year mark too.

I quoted the above b/c it conflicts with the title of your post.

Can one be doing fairly well and be miserable at the same time?

AA saved my life, removed the obsession to drink, but most importantly provided me with a design for living I needed without alcohol.

Having a program, in my case AA, has been very imporant in my recovery, b/c I needed, then wanted to change who I was.

You see, the same me will drink again (or be miserable). Maybe this is true with you too?

Kjell

I
 

(Maybe I can't handle a normal life. Why do women always leave me? You know you're no good. Everything in your life falls apart. Things are never gonna change., etc.) The walls feel like they're closing in and I don't know where to turn.


The quote above that you made is EXACTLY how I feel. EXACTLY . Thanks in some unusual way, I have kept "those" secrets to myself for years and years......Now Im tired and bitter about it...

How do I live without it????


L

Welcome!
I used drugs and alcohol from age 12 to age 40. It is possible for any addict to stop using drugs/alcohol, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.

I personally found this new way of life in Narcotics Anonymous. Taking the 12 steps helped me to really get to know myself.

What brought me to recovery is that I could no longer feel love. Lonliness and self-loathing were swallowing me up.
Having taken the 12 steps to the best of my ability,
today I feel love. I am no longer lonely or live in despair.
Today, I enjoy love, empathy and freedom.

We do recover.

Living clean,
Missy

Hi Undertow,

There's an AA meeting on Thursday night, 7:00, at the Fort Drum Division Chapel-
North Riva Ridge - Road to Recovery group.

Won't hurt to check it out....

Like Missy said, working a 12 step program is liberating and joyous.
It can't hurt to try.

Thank you for your service in the military, you are in my prayers.

Winter Dreamer

It's been addressed, doing it "on our own", for me, does not work.

There will be plenty who say you can just snap out of it and do this by yourself. Not my experience after decades of "attempts".

AA offers a very specific detailed path to freedom.

As mentioned, alcohol/drugs is really not the problem, but the solution to everything.

Once the solution has been taken away, I am in HUGE trouble.

Hope you find the path that sets you free, I did and am still surprised somewhat it was in AA. But I am a different person today, yes one that still needs plenty of help/recovering. But better.....much better.

And thank you for being of service to our country!