NOLAcrawfish

During my 10 year struggle to get clean, one problem has plagued me that no one has been able to explain to me. When I'm working my program and doing the next right thing I feel ok at best. However, it's at these times people who know and love me the best say "WOW - you are doing great! I/we are SO proud of you!". I feel like saying, I'm glad y'all are happy because I sure am not. This has been the case at 1 month, 6 months, 12 months, even 18 months sober. I know they are being honest but can't figure out why when I feel so anxious, depressed, apathetic, etc. others see the opposite. I know my perception of myself and the progress I have made are more clear to others than myself. I also know feelings aren't facts. But why can't I be happy and content when I am supposedly doing so great???

Dee74

Welcome NOLA

Every time I just quit...just not drinking...I was miserable.

My friends all said how proud of me they were I wasn't drinking tho.

I had to get into recovery - work out why I wanted to get high or drunk - and work on the 'void' within me that I tried to fill with booze....and then...for the first time in my adult life, I became happy

D

jme2788

I can't be happy until I take the focus off of myself.. If I spend all day thinking about me and what I want, I'm setting myself up for disaster. I try to be greatful for what I have and realize it's not about me. I'm not the center of the universe although I think I am sometimes. Not to say I don't get down sometimes, but I have found that gratitude and focusing on someone/something else improves my mood and gets me out of my "slumps" quicker.

Inafishbowl

NOL,
Happy, encouraging, positive, supportive people in my life, **** me off. Not people here, but the people who really love me. I totally get it. I haven't quite identified it, but I'm pretty sure it's resentment and jealousy that they don't share my struggles.

I have been equating it to grief. I lost my husband 5 years ago in a car accident. I learned a painful lesson. The people who loved me the most just couldn't get it. They just couldn't stand my grief for longer than a couple of months. They would feed me platitudes like "everything happens for a reason", "you're so strong", blah blah blah. No way can I ever see a cosmic reason that my 4 year old daughter lost her father. I wasn't strong. I just had to either live or die. I was in survival mode. My drinking sky rocketed.

But what I did find was new friendships. People who knew me AFTER the death. People who knew how to listen and weren't overly invested in me. What I got from that is a couple of really good friends. Now that I am trying to dedicate myself to sobriety, I am doing my best to learn from that lesson. I'm not overly talking about how hard this is for me with my family and friends. I bring it up, but I don't get too deep. The ones who love us the most just can't see us hurting like that. They react because maybe they think we are going to fall off of the wagon. But I have been making phone calls to people in AA. I've been going to meetings and I have been reading a lot here.

Try and understand that they can never understand. Try and see the love and admiration they have for you. You are walking the talk, even if it feels crappy.

Hope that helps.

Mark75

Close to my experience, not exactly... hmm, not so much resentment, but for me, it's like... there is no way they can truly understand and I lack the inclination and energy to try and make them understand... and, really, I guess see no point in it... like what good is gonna come if I let them into a very personal and, at times, rough and rocky place? That's what the fellowship is for.

Kjell

Hi Nola-

Remember when you were a kid and you were growing? I mean, literally growing taller and bigger? ...and you'd see your aunt or uncle like one time a year and they'd always say "wow! you're getting so big" and you think "yeah, I guess".

It's simply b/c you are with you all the time. 24/7/365.

They see you from time to time and can see how much you're progressing. Don't forget how much harm and misery we place on our loved ones while we are actively in our disease.

Also, feelings aren't facts. By the way you're describing yourself, you're not a slave to your emotions any longer (another trait in us alkies/addicts) and THAT my friend is a good thing indeed.

So, NOLA - keep up the good work. You're doing great

Kjell

least

My first few months sober I was pretty miserable too... until I started expressing gratitude for my blessings. I had to really work at it at first, cause I didn't feel grateful, just crabby. But after doing it a while, every day, it became a habit. And now the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed is: how blessed I am, to be sober and reasonably happy and doing pretty well, despite circumstances as they are.

Try counting your blessings every day. It worked for me.

NOLAcrawfish

I am amazed at all the great feedback I've received since I joined the forum and posted my query last night.

Sometimes I wonder, "is this as good as it gets in sobriety?" When I find myself doing this I am often in a bad mood for whatever reason and am only thinking about the good times I had drinking/drugging. I am trying to seek the same pleasure I obtained from ingesting various chemicals to induce a state of artificial euphoria and when I compare this with being "happy" in sobriety it's comparing apples and oranges.

Synthetic euphoria will never equate natural serenity b/c they are two different animals. Still I sometimes crave that euphoria...

I have to remind myself that I am very blessed to have my health, my own place to live, a job I enjoy, decent income, a car, a dog, a family and friends, a fun city to live in...this is just the tip of the iceberg too.

So even if this is as good as gets in sobriety in the long run I am definitely happy - just not happy all the time (like I thought I was supposed to be for a long time) and when I'm not happy or content I can convince myself life sucks and I was better off boozing it away in isolation. That's when it's time for a meeting ASAP.