texasjen

First off thanks to all that replied, however my boyfriends suspicions came true. Last night I had a moment of weakness combined with a deep aching loneliness and used, which then disabled my right from wrong sensor and I was unfaithfull as well. This morning at the usual early morning call from him I was not home. When we did finally talk I tried to lie but he wasn't going for it so I came clean. Things are not going well. He blew up of course I don't blame him but all throughout the day he would call and say things like how could you do that, your going to make me lose my job because I'm leaving this place. Your nothing but a dope *****............. I am so incredibly ashamed at what I've done. I still can't believe it happened. Here I've been working so hard at trying to get him to trust me and I go and do EXACTLY what he worried about. I really thought that I loved him so much I would never do that.

Why?????????? Why did I do it. I hate myself and can't believe I could throw this love away like I have. I feel like my life is over. He won't forgive me for this. I begged him not to leave me that I'm just as sick as he is apparently want treatment for myself but he wasn't hearing it. I want to give up. I am emotionally overwhelmed. Can't stop crying. Thoughts of suicide. I called the suicide hotline only to be put on hold. I am completely sick and disgusted with myself. I am worried that I may have cost him his job and recovery....HELP I have no one to talk to.

Dee74

Hi Jen.

No matter what anyone says you can't cost your boyfriend his recovery or his job - he can make the right choices & I hope he does.

I'm sorry for your situation. I remember not knowing how to undo the damage or what to do next after doing something stupid when drunk - it's a bad place to be.

My advice is make this your bottom. You never have to be in this situation again - get help - whether it's your Dr or rehab or some recovery group.

Here's some link to numbers and forums about suicide - I hope you'll read the information
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I know you feel awful - but you will get through this

What you have now, however bad it may look or feel, is a short term problem.

Stay connected here. You'll find a lot of support
D

ste

You will always have people to talk to. Even if only here, good people here in my opinion.

Why did you do it? Because you're an addict, and you could.

Your motives? God only knows. Addicts don't know why. Addicts know it happens, don't want it to happen, and keep letting it happen.

Your boyfriend shouldn't depend on you to make it stop, likewise, you shouldn't depend on him. That's like the blind leading the blind.

Dee74

Hi Jen
to make things easier for you to read I arranged to bring over some responses to your last post so everythings in one place.

D

texasjen

Thanks for a few encouraging words. I have been trying so hard to make this relationship work for a year now because. From the first time I met him I felt like this was the one. Unfortunately because of the way we met he says that's why he doesn't completly trust me. Anyway I felt confident that I could gain that trust in no time because I would never dream of doing anything to hurt him. Now I've made a lot of bad choices in my life but none of them actually shocked me. I am still lying here in tears asking myself how could do this??? I am afraid of what lies ahead. I only have this time to post because they have put him to bed. But the morning will be here soon and I have no idea what he will come back at me with.

Veritas1

I have done things under the influence that I never would have done in my right mind.

Yes, it's unfortunate that this has happened.

Please understand that you can make it better. You can work on your recovery so that things like this don't have to be a part of your life.

Time heals all.

Give this some time.

Try to stay calm about it, and if you are sorry for what you have done, which you are, then all you can do is work on making it better.

Take care of you.

Please don't hurt yourself over this.

My good friend in AA tells me that when active in our addiction that we are doing the best we know how to do...that is we can't quite do things as we "should"...we lose our barometer of common sense, what is right, we fall prey to absurd actions, and motives...

We are in the grips of something stronger that we can imagine...

There will be consequences.

I agree with Dee. Use this to ask for help, to change, to turn it around, and have hope, believe you can be the person you wish to be.

Please create a strong network of clean and sober women around you that can help you.

It is so much easier when you have help from women that have recovered and can show you the way out.

All you can do is apologize for what you have done, and say you were wrong, but that you are working on changing, so that it won't happen again. He will either support you, or make his decision. Whatever he does, ...YOU do what you must do. Take care of you.

Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship right now. Maybe take some time to work on you, and your recovery, and making some new clean and sober friends, to create the life you want.

It's ok. Please don't give up. You have much to do. Life is beautiful. You can get past this. Hugs to you.

Missybuns

question...does he even want to stay clean or is he just trying to keep his job?

and...are you really in love or in love with the idea of being in love?

You are not responsible for his job. Period. If you two met using....are you being honest about why you are together?

If you are an addict there is help. Any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.

All you have to do is ask, we are here and can help.

Missy

littlefish

Well, try to separate the two issues. You have addiction issues and you have relationship issues. Before you can have any worthwhile relationship, you are going to have to recover. Why not make some priorities?
No relationship is going to work with active using...so maybe decide to work on your addiction issues first?
I hope you get in touch with that hotline, please don't give in to the remorse and guilt. Call people, make contact, don't be alone.
Keep posting here and tell us how you are doing!

cabledude

If you find a way to stay clean this kind of behavior will more than likely stop. As long as you periodically use, losing people and self respect are some of the prices you'll pay. It's what your hand calls for.

The problem doesn't lie in your bf's reactions or the quality of his forgiveness.

texasjen

Thanks to all of you. I have decided to find help for myself. I was wondering if anyone could tell me where to go. I live in arlington texas. I have been to a state funded place in ft worth a couple of years ago and hated it it was only 28 days and I was in there with people who had to be there because of probation or cps involvement. I really want a good one. Please any info will be appreciated.

CarolD

If you go to local NA meetings....you can get info on where
others in your area have been and how to quit useing too...

Veritas1

Hey there! So good to "see" you again!

Are you asking for in patient treatment referrals?

AA program assistance?

I am a member of AA and it really has saved my life.

I would start with calling the hotline, and asking that a sober woman in from the program call you.

People in the program near you may have ideas on a good program near you as well.

Be encouraged!

(I don't know if it's alcohol or other substances that are the primary problem)...

Hope the AA advice is helpful...

Zencat

I have used the intensive outpatient survives that my state (CA) provides at the county level. It was a good experience and helped get a good start in recovery. So maybe this will be better than the Texas state inpatient services you received.

Heres the link to the services in Texas: Substance Abuse Program Services - Mental Health and Substance Abuse (MHSA) Division

tchorn74

Jen I too am in Arlington Texas and came across this site looking for some help for my girlfriend. She is wanting to get help. She went to one of the State inpatient programs for 8 days to detox but 2 days after being out she was drinking again and just about everyone she was in there with relapsed as well. I want to get her into some sort of 28 day inpatient facility but unfortunatly she has no insurance and those places seem to be qutie expensive. If you have any information about anything local please let me know. Or if anyone has any information on treatment facilities that are not so expensive or if there is government/state money that can be applied for to help with something like this. Thanks

Dee74

Hi tchorn
welcome

I'm nowhere near Texas but here's a link to a national US database - click on your state, then enter your local area - you'll get all the available facilities with a brief idea of what they do and what they cost etc

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator
D

texasjen

I'm looking for inpatient treatment referrals yes verita1.

Veritas1

Oh, yes... I understand that now.

I see some members have posted ideas. I hope you are able to find something helpful for you!

CarolD

tchorn74,,Welcome...

I did not go to a treatment center....but direcly to AA
to deal with my active alcoholism.
It's been working great for me for a llong time..