NEOMARXIST

I think a big part of my drinking and drugging was looking to escape; from myself, reality and time itself. The thing about trying to escape time hit me today driving back home from work as I really remember how time used to seem to temporarily change and dissapear. The only real indicator was getting dark. It's hard to describe but I guess I used to lose substantial periods of time in blackout so it's almost as if time did dissapear. About a year before I got sober when my drinking and drug binging was really heavy I remember I finished work on a Friday and immediately picked up shed loads of beers and Coke. I remember it was Glastonbury festival so I deserved to join in the fun right? Even though I was totally alone! So I remember I just mashed it up and woke up I think about 7.00am and then immediately downed 3 liters of 7.5% scrumpy cider. I remember waking up oblivious to the time and it was 4pm and I thought it was Sunday but infact it was Saturday so I was so euphoric as it meant I could get wrecked again, so I got on my phone and did the same again. My behaviour was disgraceful and I couldn't give a crap that I was off my face on Coke and out of my brain on booze, I was always like that every weekend and I didn't care how that affected other people.

I think a big part of my recovery is being able to love myself and accept myself and I know that much of my binging was looking to escape. It was so destructive and the consequences of it meant I would look to escape myself even more and so it becomes a terrible vicious cycle. What's great about recovery is the positive, forward momentum that it enables you to gain. Like you can see the process working and things slowly clicking back into place and confidence growing and together this gives that wonderful feeling of hope and that indeed things really can happen. It is even more profound because I realise what creates this is total sobriety from drink and drugs. For me then I would lose everything if I ever took a drink or drug. It simply isn't worth it for me as I am an alcoholic and not like most people. I am grateful for that too and I don't need to escape myself, life and time anymore.

I am content to let recovery take its course and I am just enjoying seeing the many gifts that I have been given in my recovery, most of which are priceless things such as decent mental wellbeing, happiness, hope etc.

I know for me then drinking and drugging was usually related to escape something which is why it would always destroy me. I don't need to escape myself anymore thus I don't wish to drink or take drugs.

Keep the faith in recovery "one day at a time"

Peace

Kmber2010

Neo, I always enjoy reading your shares. Thank you.

Like you as I have shared many times here....I used alcohol to escape, numb.....to forget.

I no longer do that and am so grateful for my recovery.

Good stuff!

Hevyn

Thank you for another great post, Neo.

I feel very much the same - no need to escape anymore. For me, it was shyness - & not feeling a part of the world - that led me to seek oblivion. I didn't understand that I was sabotaging myself. I hid from anything uncomfortable, and therefore never grew or learned who I was.

I think we've both reached the stage where we're no longer gritting our teeth and just trying to get by. I'm actually enjoying the self-discovery and growth, even though I'm out of my comfort zone at times.

reggiewayne

Great post. I agree, escaping (or as I call it "hitting the pause button on life") is something we look for when active. I think it's because we know it works. We forget about the other negative aspects of that escape, but the booze and drugs does accomplish the goal of escaping.

What I've found in recovery is the need to escape is gone. I am FINALLY able to deal with life on life's terms. I'm so grateful for that today!