Almost drank last night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 63
Almost drank last night
I almost drank last night. 
Really not sure why, I guess just thinking about things. It's 6 weeks for me today. Right now I don't feel better mentally or physically. My motivation was better when I was a drinker.
I've had back problems for years and the past couple weeks it has taken a turn for the worse. OTC pain medication doesn't touch it and I have no health insurance.
I've suffered depression for years and blamed the alcohol for making it worse. Initially it was lifted but some days lately are just as bad as when I drank.
Last night I said to my husband, somewhat proud "Tomorrow will be 6 weeks sober for me". He looked at me like I was an alien then says "Really? Is that good?" He hadn't noticed.
I quit mainly for health reasons I guess, and of course because I knew I had a problem with it. Blacking out is horrendous, I just can't handle that anymore, it's so shameful to wake up in the morning and not remember going to bed. It was out of control, I had to quit.
But why the h*ll can't I get back to health?? Feeling well and wanting to be active, why is every day, just trying to function, such a struggle for me? I'm bored and frustrated. I can't live like this either!! Where's my happy medium. I haven't even lost an ounce of weight which is depressing in itself. I wanted to drink last night, yet I knew it wasn't an option so I was just miserable all night. I was surprized that I even started considering it, it was scary to get back to that thinking, but I remembered what's been said on this board a lot. It's only a thought, they are harmless if you don't act on them, so of course I kept dismissing it as just a thought......all night long, and it lasted all night until I was in bed.
Anyway, thanks for reading, I stick close to this board.
Really not sure why, I guess just thinking about things. It's 6 weeks for me today. Right now I don't feel better mentally or physically. My motivation was better when I was a drinker.
I've had back problems for years and the past couple weeks it has taken a turn for the worse. OTC pain medication doesn't touch it and I have no health insurance.
I've suffered depression for years and blamed the alcohol for making it worse. Initially it was lifted but some days lately are just as bad as when I drank.
Last night I said to my husband, somewhat proud "Tomorrow will be 6 weeks sober for me". He looked at me like I was an alien then says "Really? Is that good?" He hadn't noticed.
I quit mainly for health reasons I guess, and of course because I knew I had a problem with it. Blacking out is horrendous, I just can't handle that anymore, it's so shameful to wake up in the morning and not remember going to bed. It was out of control, I had to quit.
But why the h*ll can't I get back to health?? Feeling well and wanting to be active, why is every day, just trying to function, such a struggle for me?
I'm bored and frustrated. I can't live like this either!! Where's my happy medium. I haven't even lost an ounce of weight which is depressing in itself. I wanted to drink last night, yet I knew it wasn't an option so I was just miserable all night. I was surprized that I even started considering it, it was scary to get back to that thinking, but I remembered what's been said on this board a lot. It's only a thought, they are harmless if you don't act on them, so of course I kept dismissing it as just a thought......all night long, and it lasted all night until I was in bed. Anyway, thanks for reading, I stick close to this board.
Last edited by undercoverangel; 02-11-2011 at 06:01 AM. Reason: sp
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 216
I can totally relate...it's only been 12 days for me but I don't feel better physically or mentally either. I too suffer from depression and feel like I've sunk deeper into it and also worry about my health. I can't talk to my husband about it because he's a drinker and I know he doesn't get it and I know he likes me better when I drink. Hell, I like myself better when I drink...I'm much nicer, I'm more fun, I'm the life of the party! When I don't drink I'm on edge, I think too much, and I don't communicate. I want to feel GREAT now and it isn't happening. I'm frustrated and haven't loss any weight either and that pisses me off. Like you, it makes me want to have a drink when I'm not seeing any positive results, but then the spiral would begin again and I don't think I can go there. Belonging to this group and reading the posts of people like you who are struggling with the same issues I am and also those who are living full and happy lives without the aid of alcohol gives me hope. I'll hang in there if you will. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Undercover, can you make some other healthy changes? Like going for walks, getting some sunshine, treating yourself. I am so proud of you for not drinking last night...that is a great thing, and I hope you feel proud today. Treat yourself! Is there anyone else you can talk to about your sadness? We are here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 264
Originally Posted by undercoverangel 
I almost drank last night.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Undercover,
So sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I'm about 3 months sober, and have had (unrelated) health problems for the last 2 months where I've felt pretty awful. Also haven't really lost the weight I thought I would. So...all in all a bit discouraging and there are days I want to scream! In any case, I hear what you are saying.
Just know that there are people here on SR who are listening and rooting for you
D
So sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I'm about 3 months sober, and have had (unrelated) health problems for the last 2 months where I've felt pretty awful. Also haven't really lost the weight I thought I would. So...all in all a bit discouraging and there are days I want to scream! In any case, I hear what you are saying.
Just know that there are people here on SR who are listening and rooting for you
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
From what I read here, it seems like everybody's different in terms of the extent and speed of physical changes. Same for emotional (though if you think your depression is independent of alcohol, why not see a doc about it?).
I definitely have a long list of benefits that have not appeared yet. But I am working on trying to be grateful for what I have every day. I mean, a couple months ago I thought it might be too late for me to ever escape alcohol's grip. Now—no hangovers, no blackouts, the freedom to go anywhere I want, anytime I want, and most of all I have some measure of self-respect back. That feeling of gratitude isn't about being a goodie-goodie; I nurture it because I feel like it drives the negative feelings away and makes me stronger every day.
Hang in there, guys. Plenty of stories on SR to inspire us!
I definitely have a long list of benefits that have not appeared yet. But I am working on trying to be grateful for what I have every day. I mean, a couple months ago I thought it might be too late for me to ever escape alcohol's grip. Now—no hangovers, no blackouts, the freedom to go anywhere I want, anytime I want, and most of all I have some measure of self-respect back. That feeling of gratitude isn't about being a goodie-goodie; I nurture it because I feel like it drives the negative feelings away and makes me stronger every day.
Hang in there, guys. Plenty of stories on SR to inspire us!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi UA
First off congartulations on not giving in
With your pain and depression - are there other avenues where you can get medical support - free or partially subsidised clinics?
If not maybe it's best to start saving to see a Dr, Nothings more important than your health and well-being.
As for your husband's reaction - that happened to me a few times too...then I realised...there's probably several million people on any given day who haven't touched alcohol for 6 weeks...it doesn't diminish our achievement, but I think it helps explain why only those who understand the effort will give you congratulatory feedback.
And, while I'm not diagnosing you, I also think this link may be useful reading no matter what the situation is.
PAWS « Digital Dharma
D
First off congartulations on not giving in
With your pain and depression - are there other avenues where you can get medical support - free or partially subsidised clinics?
If not maybe it's best to start saving to see a Dr, Nothings more important than your health and well-being.
As for your husband's reaction - that happened to me a few times too...then I realised...there's probably several million people on any given day who haven't touched alcohol for 6 weeks...it doesn't diminish our achievement, but I think it helps explain why only those who understand the effort will give you congratulatory feedback.
And, while I'm not diagnosing you, I also think this link may be useful reading no matter what the situation is.
PAWS « Digital Dharma
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi Angel,
I agree with Dee that you should probably work on getting some more help with your pain and depression. I'm sure you know that chronic pain is really stressful.
I think your husband's reaction is typical of a normie. They really don't get that it's a big deal for us. But, that's a good reason to hang out here.
I agree with Dee that you should probably work on getting some more help with your pain and depression. I'm sure you know that chronic pain is really stressful.
I think your husband's reaction is typical of a normie. They really don't get that it's a big deal for us. But, that's a good reason to hang out here.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi UC-
6 weeks is GREAT, but it simply may not be enough time to feel great. I'm a year sober and I still don't feel "super duper sober".
Also, just quiting may not be enough for you. You might need a program of recovery.
I'm an AA'er and I highly recommend it. AA removed the obsession of drinking and gave me a design without for living without alcohol I sorely needed.
Kjell
6 weeks is GREAT, but it simply may not be enough time to feel great. I'm a year sober and I still don't feel "super duper sober".
Also, just quiting may not be enough for you. You might need a program of recovery.
I'm an AA'er and I highly recommend it. AA removed the obsession of drinking and gave me a design without for living without alcohol I sorely needed.
Kjell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 63
Thank-you all, you guys are awesome.
I am glad I didn't give in to it last night, I'm feeling stronger tonight. I have been walking (when I can, between the snow and my back, it limits me) and I'm trying to eat right, I drink of ton of water and take vitamens. I guess I'm just getting impatient, I want all the benefits of sobriety Now! lol. I was treated about a year ago for depression but went off my antidepressant because I couldn't afford it and it made me gain about 20 lbs. I've been struggling to get the weight off since, I know that has added to the depression.
I had back surgery about 7 years ago, and occassionally it still acts up. I've been incapacitated some nights, on the couch for hours and needing help just to walk. It gets tempting to just drown those feelings of helplessness, and maybe take away some of the pain at the same time, but I've fought the urges. Last night it almost got the best of me. We are working on getting healthcare so hopefully we will have it in a few months.
Thank-you all for your kind words and advice. Thanks for the link Dee, I'm going to read that later. I really appreciate this board and everybody here. It helps just knowing that I'm not alone.
I am glad I didn't give in to it last night, I'm feeling stronger tonight. I have been walking (when I can, between the snow and my back, it limits me) and I'm trying to eat right, I drink of ton of water and take vitamens. I guess I'm just getting impatient, I want all the benefits of sobriety Now! lol. I was treated about a year ago for depression but went off my antidepressant because I couldn't afford it and it made me gain about 20 lbs.
I've been struggling to get the weight off since, I know that has added to the depression. I had back surgery about 7 years ago, and occassionally it still acts up. I've been incapacitated some nights, on the couch for hours and needing help just to walk.
It gets tempting to just drown those feelings of helplessness, and maybe take away some of the pain at the same time, but I've fought the urges. Last night it almost got the best of me. We are working on getting healthcare so hopefully we will have it in a few months.Thank-you all for your kind words and advice. Thanks for the link Dee, I'm going to read that later. I really appreciate this board and everybody here. It helps just knowing that I'm not alone.
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