new and scared
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 8
new and scared
I don't really know where to begin. I am thirty five years old. The longest stretch of time I can recall going without a drink in recent years is probably two or three days. I don't drink in the morning or the day, and I don't go out to bars anymore and drive home tanked;these two facts have helped me maintain the myth that I don't have a problem.
So, my party girl days have turned into drinking alone nights with the occasional dinner and many drinks at a friend's house. I don't get the same joy out of it that I used to though I guess that what little joy I do experience is in drinking. Most of my close friends drink as much as I do which I guess is probably part of the reason we were drawn to each other in the first place. I spend the night at their house if I have more than a couple of drinks because I'm so damn "responsible." To them, the fact that I consumed a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer is just normal.
I don't drink heavily each and every night (heavily being 1-2 bottles of wine or a six pack of beer or a six pack of beer and a couple of vodka drinks. Or just several vodka drinks.) But when I'm honest about it, the nights I don't drink heavily are usually the nights where I am terribly hung over from the day before, or there's no wine or beer left in the house.
I've been dealing with a lot of depression in the past three years. I recently went to a doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants. The bottle clearly states that I should not consume alcohol. I keep telling myself that I'm going to lay off the alcohol and let the meds work. But I seem unable to do that. The only saving grace is that I don't go to work until the late afternoon, but I'll often be unable to get out of bed until an hour or so before I go in.
These days, I feel sick most of the time. I look around at my unkempt house and am overcome with self-loathing. When I look back on my life, most of the bad things that have happened have been because of my drinking. Most of my missed opportunities have been because of drinking. I have wasted so much time. I know this. But I am absolutely terrified to proclaim myself an alcoholic. And sad. And ashamed.
I did not drink tonight. And I'm sitting here crying like a little girl. I know if I had drank after work I wouldn't be feeling the terrible feelings that I am right now. I feel so incredibly alone. I'm not physically craving a drink. But I know that in a couple of days when I'm feeling good, a drink will seem like the most normal and reasonable thing in the world. What will I do with myself? How will I function socially? How will I deal with family gatherings that are always CENTERED around alcohol? How will I not be a giant bore?
I don't know anyone who goes to AA. I am scared of going to a meeting by myself. There is also a part of me that keeps telling myself that if I were really an alcoholic I couldn't have gotten a graduate degree. That I couldn't have managed to pay my bills. That if I were really an alcoholic, surely to God someone would have tried to intervene by this point. On the outside I look like a person who has it all together, but I know that I'm nothing but a sham. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I want so badly to be a better person.
So, my party girl days have turned into drinking alone nights with the occasional dinner and many drinks at a friend's house. I don't get the same joy out of it that I used to though I guess that what little joy I do experience is in drinking. Most of my close friends drink as much as I do which I guess is probably part of the reason we were drawn to each other in the first place. I spend the night at their house if I have more than a couple of drinks because I'm so damn "responsible." To them, the fact that I consumed a bottle of wine or a six pack of beer is just normal.
I don't drink heavily each and every night (heavily being 1-2 bottles of wine or a six pack of beer or a six pack of beer and a couple of vodka drinks. Or just several vodka drinks.) But when I'm honest about it, the nights I don't drink heavily are usually the nights where I am terribly hung over from the day before, or there's no wine or beer left in the house.
I've been dealing with a lot of depression in the past three years. I recently went to a doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants. The bottle clearly states that I should not consume alcohol. I keep telling myself that I'm going to lay off the alcohol and let the meds work. But I seem unable to do that. The only saving grace is that I don't go to work until the late afternoon, but I'll often be unable to get out of bed until an hour or so before I go in.
These days, I feel sick most of the time. I look around at my unkempt house and am overcome with self-loathing. When I look back on my life, most of the bad things that have happened have been because of my drinking. Most of my missed opportunities have been because of drinking. I have wasted so much time. I know this. But I am absolutely terrified to proclaim myself an alcoholic. And sad. And ashamed.
I did not drink tonight. And I'm sitting here crying like a little girl. I know if I had drank after work I wouldn't be feeling the terrible feelings that I am right now. I feel so incredibly alone. I'm not physically craving a drink. But I know that in a couple of days when I'm feeling good, a drink will seem like the most normal and reasonable thing in the world. What will I do with myself? How will I function socially? How will I deal with family gatherings that are always CENTERED around alcohol? How will I not be a giant bore?
I don't know anyone who goes to AA. I am scared of going to a meeting by myself. There is also a part of me that keeps telling myself that if I were really an alcoholic I couldn't have gotten a graduate degree. That I couldn't have managed to pay my bills. That if I were really an alcoholic, surely to God someone would have tried to intervene by this point. On the outside I look like a person who has it all together, but I know that I'm nothing but a sham. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I want so badly to be a better person.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 551
Hello and Welcome, you are very brave to admit this and I read your honesty with a lot of compassion. Many people here are wonderful and will give you the support you need. I have now not been drinking for over 40 days and it was the best thing I have ever ever done. Many of the things you say about yourself were true for me, a great job and really I was living a sham. I realised when I drank it would never ever be enough. I had the help of a doctor I finally admitted everything and cried and said I need help. I said I will put in the effort if you truly help me. This required proper detoxing and it was very helpful in the first couple of weeks (done at home), medication to ensure I did not have a fit etc as it can be very dangerous if you have been drinking for a while and mine progressed over 20 years to about the same as you. You can do it, I never thought I could I thought I would be boring, but guess what I am not only looking better lost 15 pounds in around a month, but I am glowing and my sense of humour is back. Dont get me wrong I have some hard and sad days, but each day that goes by I feel better and stronger. One day at a time, then a week and you think WOW I can do this!!!! I will be here and keeping an eye out for your posts. I hope this has been helpful. More people will post to you with some great advice, my saving grace is coming here to read all the posts, inspiring and also a great reminder of wanting to stay sober and live the best life I can. I am now excited about what lays ahead. You Can do it! My thoughts are with you xx
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 8
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. I could probably make an appointment with my doctor, but I'm afraid to say that I'm mortified to tell her. When she prescribed the medicine, I asked her if it was okay to drink with it. She said a drink or two would be okay, and I just nodded knowingly as if I'm someone who usually just has a drink or two.
I hadn't really considered the whole idea of a physical withdrawal. When I've gone a couple of days without drink, I generally feel better rather than worse. And it's at that point that I can have the more enjoyable "clean slate" drunk rather than just drinking to ease my hangover. I'm not shaking or vomiting or anything. I guess I'll just have to see how my body reacts.
Again, I appreciate your response. I am going to try to sleep now.
I hadn't really considered the whole idea of a physical withdrawal. When I've gone a couple of days without drink, I generally feel better rather than worse. And it's at that point that I can have the more enjoyable "clean slate" drunk rather than just drinking to ease my hangover. I'm not shaking or vomiting or anything. I guess I'll just have to see how my body reacts.
Again, I appreciate your response. I am going to try to sleep now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi Charlotte
Welcome
I think most of us were scared in the beginning
I think it's important to get checked out by a Dr if you've been drinking for a while and especially if you're on medication for depression - it simply won't be working as well right now.
It's important you're honest with them too. See another Dr perhaps if you don't think you can go to yours ?
You'll find a lot of support here - and a lot of ideas on what to do and where to go.
You can leave booze behind and live that better life - there's hundreds of people here who are doing just that
Good to have you with us
D
Welcome
I think most of us were scared in the beginning
I think it's important to get checked out by a Dr if you've been drinking for a while and especially if you're on medication for depression - it simply won't be working as well right now.
It's important you're honest with them too. See another Dr perhaps if you don't think you can go to yours ?
You'll find a lot of support here - and a lot of ideas on what to do and where to go.
You can leave booze behind and live that better life - there's hundreds of people here who are doing just that
Good to have you with us
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,488
Hi Charlotte -
I lived your life for many years - about the same amount of alcohol, professional job, no drinking and driving etc etc but very very unhappy. I have been sober for just over 7 months and now am a much happier and healthier person. I don't like the word alcoholic so I don't use it. However I am quite clear that I cannot just drink one glass of wine occasionally and that one glass would lead me back to the nightly bottle of wine fairly quickly. My sobriety program is posting here on SR only. There are many AA people here who can help you explore that program if you find you need face to face help. If you read many of the threads here you will find that there are different ways to get and stay sober.
Welcome.
I lived your life for many years - about the same amount of alcohol, professional job, no drinking and driving etc etc but very very unhappy. I have been sober for just over 7 months and now am a much happier and healthier person. I don't like the word alcoholic so I don't use it. However I am quite clear that I cannot just drink one glass of wine occasionally and that one glass would lead me back to the nightly bottle of wine fairly quickly. My sobriety program is posting here on SR only. There are many AA people here who can help you explore that program if you find you need face to face help. If you read many of the threads here you will find that there are different ways to get and stay sober.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
((Charlotte))
Freaky. Eighteen years ago, I might have written your post practically word for word. When I was 36 I made my first serious attempt at sobriety; went for well over a year before kidding myself I could control my drinking. Not. It cost me a marriage and grad school (I've also been dealing with brain cooties for many years so the two issues get conflated) and friends and a long hard road of shame, guilt and embarrassments.
I think almost everyone here can understand the fear: of being boring, or not enjoying life without alcohol, of admitting to others we have a problem we're horribly ashamed of, of walking into an AA meeting, on dealing with life without numbing or running away. I'm 53 today, recently sober again, feeling hopeful but scared...this site is a great resource and AA has given me hope.
Be very, very careful about taking antidepressants and drinking. I first started having some scary and destructive blackouts when I was taking antidepressants, lithium and being stupid enough to drink heavily at the same time. Don't do that.
Freaky. Eighteen years ago, I might have written your post practically word for word. When I was 36 I made my first serious attempt at sobriety; went for well over a year before kidding myself I could control my drinking. Not. It cost me a marriage and grad school (I've also been dealing with brain cooties for many years so the two issues get conflated) and friends and a long hard road of shame, guilt and embarrassments.
I think almost everyone here can understand the fear: of being boring, or not enjoying life without alcohol, of admitting to others we have a problem we're horribly ashamed of, of walking into an AA meeting, on dealing with life without numbing or running away. I'm 53 today, recently sober again, feeling hopeful but scared...this site is a great resource and AA has given me hope.
Be very, very careful about taking antidepressants and drinking. I first started having some scary and destructive blackouts when I was taking antidepressants, lithium and being stupid enough to drink heavily at the same time. Don't do that.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Welcome! I can totally relate to your post! We're the same age and I also had trouble deciding which was more awful. A life of being drunk or a life of being sober
That sober life would be boring and dull was a huge myth that kept me drunk. Stick around and see if we can help you!
That sober life would be boring and dull was a huge myth that kept me drunk. Stick around and see if we can help you!
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Add me to the growing list of "that was me", too.
I'm your age, and I seriously could have written your post a couple of years ago.. to the t. Unfortunately, I didn't address my alcoholism when i was "there", and kept it going until I WAS drinking in the morning, most of the day etc.. I never ever did that until the last few weeks of my drinking career.
I too hold a graduate degree, professional job.. I have the house, the car, the husband, I played the game well, kept up appearances pretty ok..but my spirit was dying inside. My thoughts were disorganized, my sleep was more like passing out, but I would sleep most of the day, my house was a disaster.. I'd go a week without drinking, and it would only show me that I 'could', and then I'd be back to killing myself with fervor.
We don't have to reach a typical 'bottom' to get well. We don't have to lose everything to find we can change and grow and live a beautiful life.
You're right, your meds are pointless if you're drinking the way you are. It is scary to think about not drinking, and luckily there's lots of help out there. Personally, I pursued some pretty frequent and intense one on one therapy with an addictions psychologist. I didn't use AA in my recovery, but I will say I did go to a few meetings, and I was terrified. I went by myself, and about had a panic attack walking in.. but then I sat, and listened, and was welcomed by a group of people who KNEW what I had been through, without me saying a word. It wasn't so scary really, after that first 'hello..'.
I've been sober now for a little over two years. My mind is content, my spirit is joyful, and my house is clean!
I'm really happy you're here.. it's so scary, so difficult.. but so worth it, hun.
Hugs to you!! We get it!
I'm your age, and I seriously could have written your post a couple of years ago.. to the t. Unfortunately, I didn't address my alcoholism when i was "there", and kept it going until I WAS drinking in the morning, most of the day etc.. I never ever did that until the last few weeks of my drinking career.
I too hold a graduate degree, professional job.. I have the house, the car, the husband, I played the game well, kept up appearances pretty ok..but my spirit was dying inside. My thoughts were disorganized, my sleep was more like passing out, but I would sleep most of the day, my house was a disaster.. I'd go a week without drinking, and it would only show me that I 'could', and then I'd be back to killing myself with fervor.
We don't have to reach a typical 'bottom' to get well. We don't have to lose everything to find we can change and grow and live a beautiful life.
You're right, your meds are pointless if you're drinking the way you are. It is scary to think about not drinking, and luckily there's lots of help out there. Personally, I pursued some pretty frequent and intense one on one therapy with an addictions psychologist. I didn't use AA in my recovery, but I will say I did go to a few meetings, and I was terrified. I went by myself, and about had a panic attack walking in.. but then I sat, and listened, and was welcomed by a group of people who KNEW what I had been through, without me saying a word. It wasn't so scary really, after that first 'hello..'.
I've been sober now for a little over two years. My mind is content, my spirit is joyful, and my house is clean!
I'm really happy you're here.. it's so scary, so difficult.. but so worth it, hun.
Hugs to you!! We get it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 129
Hi Charlotte and welcome! I read your post nodding my head like crazy - I could have written that post. Everything you said rang true with me.
What you said about worrying life will be boring without alcohol is exactly what I'm afraid of too. But we owe it to ourselves to find out if that's true, right? And reading peoples stories on here, it seems that NO-ONE prefers their drinking life to their new, clean, sober life. That gives me hope.
I hope you stick around and post. I'll be keeping an eye out for you, because I can really relate to your story.
What you said about worrying life will be boring without alcohol is exactly what I'm afraid of too. But we owe it to ourselves to find out if that's true, right? And reading peoples stories on here, it seems that NO-ONE prefers their drinking life to their new, clean, sober life. That gives me hope.
I hope you stick around and post. I'll be keeping an eye out for you, because I can really relate to your story.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Dear Charlotte, WELCOME!! Thank you for your post. You've made a wonderful first step here. As far as the AA meetings; If you like the people you drink with, you'll like us!! We're the same people!
Wishing you all the best, Ron
Wishing you all the best, Ron
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Another "me, too" here. There are a lot of us out there who drank just like you, and, like you, haven't suffered horrendous (in the external, material sense) consequences. YET.
I've been sober for two and a half years in AA, and for me it is a great way to live. I encourage you to get to a meeting and see for yourself. I like to post this link about what to expect at your first AA meeting. I find it to be pretty accurate, and it addresses a lot of the fears and concerns that people have about walking in and checking it out.
I've been sober for two and a half years in AA, and for me it is a great way to live. I encourage you to get to a meeting and see for yourself. I like to post this link about what to expect at your first AA meeting. I find it to be pretty accurate, and it addresses a lot of the fears and concerns that people have about walking in and checking it out.
Guest
Posts: n/a
first day
this is my first day sober so i'm still struggling, i have had a drink problem most of my adult life so its going to take a lot of work from me to get myself sorted, the last few days have been hell but i think it had to happen because its really telling me i have to stop.
thanks for being there pete.
thanks for being there pete.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Charlotte,
Add me in as another person who can relate to what you are saying. The concept of self-loathing is SO familiar!
I'm living proof that you can get a graduate degree while being an active alcoholic
I stopped drinking about 3 months ago so I'm no expert, but I feel so much better now, and I'm getting a handle on a lot of aspects of my life that were out of control before. (Don't mean I'm controlling them---just coming to grips with them).
I really didn't want to use the label alcoholic for myself, so at first I didn't. I just said to myself that drinking was doing bad things to me. It is such a loaded term. What I do know is how much better I feel now that I don't drink.
As for AA, there is a lot of good material on SR about what to know before going to a meeting, etc. I haven't gone regularly, but i did attend a few meetings (despite a LOT of reservations), got some of their literature (for free! I really liked "Living Sober") and have been thinking about it a lot. I see now how it could be transformational. I'd keep an open mind.
Welcome, and keep posting!
D
Add me in as another person who can relate to what you are saying. The concept of self-loathing is SO familiar!
I'm living proof that you can get a graduate degree while being an active alcoholic
I stopped drinking about 3 months ago so I'm no expert, but I feel so much better now, and I'm getting a handle on a lot of aspects of my life that were out of control before. (Don't mean I'm controlling them---just coming to grips with them).
I really didn't want to use the label alcoholic for myself, so at first I didn't. I just said to myself that drinking was doing bad things to me. It is such a loaded term. What I do know is how much better I feel now that I don't drink.
As for AA, there is a lot of good material on SR about what to know before going to a meeting, etc. I haven't gone regularly, but i did attend a few meetings (despite a LOT of reservations), got some of their literature (for free! I really liked "Living Sober") and have been thinking about it a lot. I see now how it could be transformational. I'd keep an open mind.
Welcome, and keep posting!
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 788
Chiming in...I am another drunk with a master's degree...! I first posted here 55 days ago. I was so ashamed, sad, scared. Nothing really awful has happened...but my kids had seen me drunk, and that was the one thing I had sworn would never happen. I can make sure it never happens again. That is the great shining hope in front of you, Charlotte. You can begin today. You never have to feel this way again. We are here for you. I also have a therapist who helps me sort things out. I have now been out a few times with my drinking friends...most of them don't care that I'm not drinking...and a few tell me they have thought about quitting, too. I have been to AA and will go again, but SR and therapy are working for me so far. Pour a big glass of Perrier and toast yourself. Your new life is about to begin!
You'll find a lot of support here.Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 8
I truly appreciate all of your responses. I was surprised that some of you identified so strongly with what I wrote. I guess I shouldn't be. It made me feel like I'm not all alone in my particular brand of insanity.
When I walk my dog through my neighborhood at night, I look at the illuminated windows and the people inside cooking dinner or watching t.v. together or whatever other mundane thing it is they're doing. As evidenced by myself, we never really know what goes on behind other people's closed doors. But in my mind, I imagine these people in the windows as having beautiful, real lives. And it reminds me that I have no real life.
I don't know when exactly that happened. I got out of a long term relationship three years ago. He, like all of my former boyfriends, was a heavy drinker. Anyway, in the beginning, I was frequenting my neighborhood bar. I had a couple of daliances with men who were asfond of drinking. But I felt very protective of myself and disgusted, so I eventually led the scene. For the past couple of years, I have increasingly isolated myslf aside from a couple of close friends. I just..don't know who I'm supposed to be.
I don't know if AA is for me or not, but the idea of getting to know some people who don't drink is appealing. Though I don't want to call myself an alcoholic, right now I can at least confidently call myself a drunk. Thank you again for the support. Will keep you updated.
When I walk my dog through my neighborhood at night, I look at the illuminated windows and the people inside cooking dinner or watching t.v. together or whatever other mundane thing it is they're doing. As evidenced by myself, we never really know what goes on behind other people's closed doors. But in my mind, I imagine these people in the windows as having beautiful, real lives. And it reminds me that I have no real life.
I don't know when exactly that happened. I got out of a long term relationship three years ago. He, like all of my former boyfriends, was a heavy drinker. Anyway, in the beginning, I was frequenting my neighborhood bar. I had a couple of daliances with men who were asfond of drinking. But I felt very protective of myself and disgusted, so I eventually led the scene. For the past couple of years, I have increasingly isolated myslf aside from a couple of close friends. I just..don't know who I'm supposed to be.
I don't know if AA is for me or not, but the idea of getting to know some people who don't drink is appealing. Though I don't want to call myself an alcoholic, right now I can at least confidently call myself a drunk. Thank you again for the support. Will keep you updated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by Charlotte75 
But in my mind, I imagine these people in the windows as having beautiful, real lives. And it reminds me that I have no real life.
But I'm glad for the forum and I hope you find it helpful too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Charlotte, If you go to an AA meeting you'll hear somebody read what's called the preamble at the beginning of the meeting. Part of it states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. You don't have to label yourself at all!! For that matter you don't have to here either. Now, all that being said, if you read around on this forum you'll find many different approaches to our common goal. I'm pretty sure you can find one that feels right to you.
Again Welcome and Keep posting, Ron
Again Welcome and Keep posting, Ron
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Heck, throw another "me too" on the pile! You already got some great advice. I'll just add that I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without booze—I never drank during the morning or on workdays, but just about every night I downed a bottle of wine or six pack... or more.
Guess what? My life is so much more fun without alcohol. And peaceful too—I've come to prize that even more than having fun.
You have a lot to look forward to. Good job taking action now—you can do it!
Guess what? My life is so much more fun without alcohol. And peaceful too—I've come to prize that even more than having fun.
You have a lot to look forward to. Good job taking action now—you can do it!
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