nervousmeow

My drinking is causing me a world of pain. My lows are so low.

After drinking last night, I slept past my stop, woke up and puked all over myself and the train. I was alone. I had to walk home reeking of my own vomit, afraid I was going to get arrested for public drunkenness. I probably very nearly was. I feel like I can never ride the subway or walk around in my neighborhood again. My shame can't be overstated - I have terrible drinker's guilt even when nothing embarrassing happens, and I could probably get diagnosed with an anxiety disorder if I could work up the nerve to see a doctor about it.

If my last night doesn't sound like a rock bottom story, keep in mind that I'm fairly young and probably just haven't had the opportunity to eff up my life too badly with my drinking yet. I'm sure the stakes will only get higher and the suffering worse as time goes on.

I want to quit in the worst way but I also want a beer right now to help me through this.

Anyway, that's all for now, I just wanted to add my voice and I hope to post here again. Thanks to everyone who's brave enough to write here. (I'm paranoid just thinking about submitting this, that my identity will be uncovered. Does anyone else feel this way?)

Anna

Hi and Welcome!

I was really worried about posting here too. But, I've been here for years now, and I can promise you that you are safe here and our members are fantastic.

I think that the 'drink too much', followed by guilt and shame, causing you to drink again is just a horrible vicious circle. Every time I tried to stop drinking, the negative thoughts overwhelmed me and kept me going back to drinking. Please know that you can get past the negative feelings. We have all done things we are embarassed and ashamed about, but you can use these feelings as a learning tool.

nervousmeow

Hi Anna, and thanks. I feel better already (which in itself is kind of scary, like I'm one step closer to justifying drinking again). I'm hoping that this time I'll use my negative feelings to avoid more of the same in the future, rather than let them be just another useless addition to my collection of bad memories.

MIBluebird

Today's my first day and I was so scared too (still am). But I'm reading the posts and I feel like I'm not alone and I don't have to resort to my bottle(s) of wine to block out all of the things I dislike about myself. Maybe it's the beginning of liking myself and getting rid of the shame and the guilt. And, that's an exciting thought. As we all go through this journey, I pray that reaching out to each other will allow us to not reach for that bottle and that our pain will gradually start to go away. Hang in there....

Opal

I have an anxiety disorder. It only takes one demeaning comment from someone, no matter how trivial, and my way is 'buggar it, I'll have a drink'. I've noticed readin in these forums, most are very caring, and intelligent, and we should NOT sit back and judge ourselves. Plenty of other people will do that for us. I've made a choice, not to listen. Funny, the people who have judged me have bigger hangups, I'm their scapegoat. Does that sound selfish on my part?

Shoei

Welcome Nervousmeow! Your post sounds very familiar. Way back in 1990 while at university I missed my stop on the subway as I was so sh1tfaced. The train terminated at the end of the line and since it was 2.00am there were no more trains. I had no money and no way of getting any so it was a long walk back across the whole city, got back about 5.30am I think (probably would have been quicker if I had walked in a straight line though).

One of hundreds and hundreds of disasters but it didn't even occur to me to give up drinking back then! So I think you are doing much better than me as you are here looking for help. SR is an amazing resource, just keep reading and posting.

CarolD

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
I began AA recovery. It works realy well for me..

Welcome to SR....

mygrandfather

Hang in there nervous, bluebird, opal and welcome! SR really is a special place, it's a good place to be when you are feeling low. There are people here who have been where you are now, they can help lift you up and out of the lows. Please keep posting, also consider joining the "class" for February or start one if none exists.

nervous man I know that awful feeling...never again! You can do it.

Bombshell

Hi Nervous and welcome. I'm new here myself, only started posting tonight though have been reading for a while.

I just want you to know you're not alone. I've been through some very embarrassing stuff myself whilst under the influence, puked all over myself many's a time and felt mortified waking up the next morning.

I have no answers for you as I'm not even sure how I'm going to deal with my own problem yet, but I wanted you to know you're not alone, keep posting and reading, you've come to the right place.

Anna

nervousmeow

I definitely judge myself way harsher than I'd judge anyone else, which I think is actually a pretty ugly double standard. I'm glad that I treat people with compassion, but why can't I do the same for myself? I think it's a kind of narcissism that gets warped into self-hatred when I fail.

This forum does seem like a good place. Thanks for the replies and hang in there too...

Bombshell

+100 to this Opal. I always thought there was something inherently 'wrong' with people who had drink problems, like they were the stereotypical old tramp person on the streets clutching their bottle in the brown paper bag, sad and pathetic... until I started reading these forums. I read many forums (just general ones, not alcohol-related) and I can honestly say, hand on heart, that not only do the people here seem to be the kindest and nicest, but they also are very intelligent and literate. Makes me think we're in good company, and has certainly changed my closed-minded view about people who are struggling with alcohol

Inafishbowl

I joined after what I feel was my absolute bottom. I did get arrested for being a husband abuser (I'm 5'5" 125 and my husband is 6' 285lbs). I'm very new, only 2 weeks in. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have. Welcome. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Dee74

Hi Nervousmeow

I think as you can already see this is a great place....and we work hard to keep it safe

It's good to have you with us
D

artsoul

Hi Nervousmeow and welcome (love the name, by the way!)

Sounds like you had quite a night..... (so sorry). It always amazed me that I could swear off drinking in the morning and "forget" my misery by afternoon. That's what alcohol does to us....... and you're right: it only ever gets worse.

I didn't think I could quit when I first got here and was even afraid to say I wanted to quit (because then I thought I might have to follow through!). So I just prayed to "want to want to quit." I was afraid to fail and afraid to succeed.

You do have to learn to deal with the cravings, but that's what this forum is great for. And knowing we're not alone (and actually posting) really make a huge difference. The obsession does go away with time - being sober feels totally "normal" for me now and it feels good, too.

Glad you're here!:ghug3