Bombshell

Hi everyone, I'm a long-time lurker and first-time poster. I've been reading these forums as a guest for a while now but couldn't really work up the courage to post. I'm not even sure if I should be here - and maybe that is part of my problem!

For the past maybe 7 or 8 years I've been drinking secretly, at first not too much, like maybe once a week and only one or two drinks each time. But of course it escalated and I got to the stage where I was drinking by myself nearly every night. A couple of bottles of wine. I hated the way it made me feel the next day, but not enough to make me stop. Every evening I would start again, always saying 'This is the last time...'

In the past few months I'm down to drinking maybe 3 or 4 times a week, and still a couple bottles wine each time, and in secret. Sometimes I get in the right mindset and don't drink for a few days - the longest stretch being 5 - but then something in me snaps and I just say 'what the hell' and go get some booze. And it all starts again.

On nights out it's not any better. I've started having blackouts, and that really scares me. Like I was out last weekend and I have literally no recollection of the last 4 hours of the night. My friends tell me stuff I did, and they thought I wasn't that drunk really, but I still can't remember. I also fell off a step that night and badly sprained my ankle and ended up having to go to A & E. Stuff like this makes me know I have a problem with drink. And then other times I think I just over-indulge a bit and it's not so bad.

So sorry about the long post. Basically I don't feel I have a problem yet. I keep thinking that I could stop if I really wanted to. The truth is, part of me doesn't want to stop. Part of me relies on drink, to be brave, to hide from feelings, to get that 'buzz'. I don't want to think i can never drink again. I don't know if I can do that.

I suppose I'm just here wondering if anyone has ever been in the same situation as me? Ideally I want to get to the stage where I'm just a 'social' drinker - only drinking with friends, and never guzzling the booze alone. Like I think I'm just being 'greedy' when I drink - I have over-eating issues too - so I think they're just a matter of being more disciplined. Am I in denial here? Is the only solution to cut out alcohol altogether? I don't know - and that's why I'm not sure if I should be here - and that's why I'd really appreciate your input!

Thanks a million, sorry again for the long post!
Anna

NEOMARXIST

I know for me then being a 'social' drinker is a fairytale. It would never happen as I'm an alcoholic. Once I take that alcohol into my system then there ain't nothing on this earth gonna stop me from getting more and more and more until I wake up the next morning remembering nothing of the last few hours. That's what used to happen when I drank out and it led to much paranoia and shame.

I too used to drink alone and drink myself into oblivion and chasing that 'buzz'. I know for me then the only way I drank is to excess and that would never change. Alcoholism is progressive and I found my binges lasting 2/3 days solid around the clock. If you're an alcoholic then moderate, controlled, social drinking will never happen, if you ain't an alcoholic then you should be able to just exert self-control.

I know for me then I only got sober when I had smashed myself into the dirt enough so that I hit my personal rock bottom and I wanted sobriety more than I wanted to get wrecked.

All The Best, Peace.

Ghostly

Welcome to SR Bombshell. Re-read your post. Read other posts. You don't know if you have a problem with alcohol? You don't know if alcohol has been causing enough problems? Really?

Well...only you can decide that. You will probably hear from people soon that were in similar situations.

I drank almost daily. Almost always home. Alone or not. I knew alcohol was a problem for me, and I decided to get it out of my life.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Opal

Hi Bombshell, Like you, I've been a lurker in here for months, just reading can be therapy. I thought too, I could come back as a moderate drinker. yeah sure, and pigs will fly. I did 7 months on campral, and started up again, thinking I could control it. The fact that we think we can control it is 'stinkin' thinkin', because normal people don't think and plan that way. I've always been very shy, confused and self conscious with other people, and drinking before a social event got me through it. Wine is also my 'big love', and yeah, I've said and done things I don't recollect, even though sometimes it didn't take a tankful. I'm looking at tomorrow to start over, yet again. I'm seein my daughter end of March, 1st time in 7 years, that's my catalyst. She knows about my drinking, and she does not drink. My mother was an alcoholic. My husband (2nd marriage) is a binge drinker, which obviously I go along with, so we HAVE TO do this together. The stints I had without drink, 4 - 5 days here and there, and especially the 7 months, I was a different person, not so depressed or anxious, more energy.I sincerely hope it all works out for you. But don't be too harsh on yourself. We are our worst judges.

JoeCree

Hi anna. welcome here "officially".. Basically I asked myself many of the same questions you have, but the one thing in common everyone on here has, is that "something" inside us made us ask the question, write the search words: too much drinking, am I an alcoholic?, into Google and voila!!! we stumble across this site.

You are here because you feel you might have a problem, I hated to think I could not enjoy wine anymore because I came to enjoy that buzz it gave me (everyday). Reality is, that it caused more sadness and regret than enjoyment towards the ending, so I stopped. Since I stopped I have enjoyed life a lot more, and am relearning to deal with the regular stresses life throws at us on a daily basis.

This is normal stuff - don't expect your life to become Utopia all of a sudden.. it takes time, but I believe everyone owes it to themselves to give sobriety a chance. In order to gauge your addiction (if any) try quitting for 1 year. Yes 1 year! sounds like a long time, but during this process you can clear your mind to truly understand why you were drinking in the first place.

This should give you the necessary time to allow yourself to make the educated decision to simply stop forever. Afterall you don't need to be making heavy decisions under the current stress you are on, but no matter what, the more you question it, the more it is real. And if it is indeed real - you will need to "never have that first sip"... It is better to face this reality sober then one day when you wake up hungover and make some fake promise to yourself.

Bombshell

Thanks so much guys for the responses. I didn't expect so many and so quickly! What each of you is saying rings true.

Neomarxist & Ghostly - I'm glad to know that there are other people here who drank alone like me... And also it's food for thought, because if you guys knew you had a problem and needed to quit, then why don't I think like that?! Denial!

Opal - thank you for your response. I'm glad to hear that during your 7 months things got better for you - that gives me hope. I'm so glad you're going to be seeing your daughter again, that's a great incentive. I'll be keeping an eye out for your progress!

JoeCree - you are spot on with what you're saying! If I didn't think I had a problem I wouldn't have gotten here - and I did literally stumble upon this site after typing something like 'I can't stop thinking about drinking' into Google one hungover morning. That says it all really. But one year without drinking?! I really, honestly, don't think I could do that. My friends are big drinkers and drinking is a huge part of my social life. It would be so much explaining to them. I couldn't even imagine having to admit to them about my problem, even though we are a close group. It would be admitting a weakness, and I hate that.

Part of me is still thinking maybe I can moderate my intake. Maybe if I was a 'better person' I wouldn't need this crutch to take me away from things. I'm still so confused and unsure. I will definitely be reading round the site a lot, thank you all so much for your help

Inafishbowl

Bombshell, I'm new too. Even feel weird to welcome you because I'm so new. But this is a good place to find answers to your questions. I know I am. So welcome!

Mark75

I haven't had a drink for almost 2.5 years. But this morning, when I got up, I just don't drink for today. Then I do that again tomorrow....

We can find lots of reasons to keep drinking, to make quitting seem like an overwhelming proposition... "I can't do this forever!!" ... "What do I tell my friends?" ... "What will I do for fun?" ... on and on and on...

One day at a time. Don't drink today, worry about tomorrow when it gets here... Live one day at a time... Problems that loom in the distance, that seem so big, especially today, especially if hungover or drunk... really aren't.

Try it!

Dee74

Hi Anna

Forgive me for feeding your own words back at you but I picked out the things that were a red flag for me - and believe me I said and thought them all...

I realise now normal folks don't drink secretly.

I realise now normal folks don't drink, and don't need to drink 2 bottles of wine in a sitting

I did that for 20 years but I couldn't stop for any appreciable length of time.

Yeah, I always said 'if I feel this good so soon (never mind it took 3-4 days to recover lol), how can it be a problem? I'm overreacting', 'this is just a phase', 'I have a lot of stress', 'I come from a heavy drinking crowd/family', 'I need x in my life and I'll be ok'...

Blackouts and accidents that end up with us in A&E are never good - they're dangerous.
Been there too.

I didn't know if I could do that either - but I put off doing something for so long I nearly died from my drinking...in the end I didn't have a choice.

I came here tho - and the people really helped - the support is incredible. They really helped me face up to things and helped me decide what I should do.

Have you tried going for a decent period - like 30 days - without booze?

That's usually a pretty good barometer for most of us in seeing if this is really just a habit or a real problem.

Whatever you decide - welcome to SR

D

Opal

Bombshell, you'll feel confused, frustrated, angry, (why can't I be normal). Lots of emotions come into play. I am so glad I finally got 'the guts' to post on here. For me AA wasn't the solution. Use this site, it's great therapy, interaction is a big help.

Bombshell

Hi Fishbowl! Welcome to you too (seems even weirder me welcoming you!) It's good to hear from other new people. A big part of my problem is feeling that I'm alone in this - I've realised through this site that I am definitely not alone. Best of luck to you in your progress!

Bombshell

Hi mark, thanks for your response and CONGRATS on being 2.5 years free! Kudos to you!

I understand what you mean about taking it one day at a time - thing is, I've never been good at that. I am a constant worrier (I really do think that this is partly to blame for me being in this situation - alcohol stops me worrying - and also of course my lack of willpower plays a part!) so I always think ahead no matter what. I'm always living either in the past or worrying about the future.

I really will try to live 'just for today' as you suggest. But I have a question: Is it not always a real struggle to stop yourself drinking? Does 'not drinking just for today' not always mean that 'today' you are miserable and feeling deprived? Because that's what I imagine! Although there I go again - thinking too much!!

Opal

Dee74 I would just like to say, you're the sort of person we can all look up to.Can I ask, how long in sobriety?

recoverywfaith

Nice to know WE can help each other along this journey.

Anna

Omigosh, I vividly remember feeling like that, but the truth was, I couldn't stop. The more I thought about needing to stop, the harder it became to stop.

Denial is a huge part of addiction, and ironically we don't see it in ourselves until we stop and look back.

I hope you continue to read and post.

Dee74

LOL my wife just fainted.

A few weeks off 4 years, Opal. Thanks

D

Opal

Bombshell, I only have to hear that my 'normal' stepdaughter is going out clubbing with girlfriends (maybe once a month) and I get SO jealous, and think it's not fair, but when you sit back and think, what are we really missing out on? a few drinks a month? big deal, because that's what 'normal' is. If I went out (which is not my thing, I always drink at home), I'd prob. get myself in a very embarrassing situation. 'Hey, it's here, I'll run amuck lol'.

Bombshell

Dee - thank you so much for your reply. I have to say that at times reading it my breath was literally catching in my throat, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was such an eye-opener seeing all those phrases picked out, knowing that I'd written them - if I'd read someone else writing those I would've thought 'Wow, that girl has a problem'. How is it that I couldn't see that for myself??

That's not to say I don't have moments of clarity. I drank last night, and when I woke up this morning I had two thoughts: (1) I wish I hadn't drank last night; and (2) I didn't even enjoy it that much, it wasn't worth it. I vowed never to drink again (yeah, change the record!!) but around mid-afternoon, when I felt a bit physically better, then started the horrible internal argument: To go get drink or not.

I'm ashamed to say that after a couple hours of to-and-fro-ing, I drove off to the off-license. And on the way I was suddenly hit from nowhere by the thought that what I was about to do WAS NOT NORMAL. Like your post Dee, it took my breath away for a moment.

But what did I do about it?? ...I buried it, and kept on driving. I made the very real decision to just bury that feeling and think about something else. I'm on my second bottle of wine now and I feel like a cheat here. You guys are all so good, staying sober and helping others, and I feel like a fraud. Kind of like a parasite, sucking up all your helpful and kind words and still continuing to drink.

My plan was for tomorrow, not to drink for a week and see how I felt (if I manage it). Maybe I will try to give 30 days a go. It seems so huge...

Opal

Dee74 a few weeks off 4 years. That's too hard for me to comprehend at this point. I thought 7 months was a benchmark. Congratulations, and thanks for being here for us all.

Opal

Bombshell, I'm doing the exact same thing. Wine still here, but no, stubborn me would not throw it out. Keep posting, watching other's progress is uplifting.