Bombshell

Sorry guys, while I was writing my last reply I didn't see the other posts!

Opal - you are so right about describing the feelings. I don't want to think I'm not normal. That's why I want to give moderation a go. I feel angry, like you said - why should i have to miss out? But I'm trying to think about it in a way I believe I read about somewhere (maybe here) - it's an allergy. What if I was allergic to, say, peanuts? Would I go round every day saying 'I'm so angry I can't eat peanuts'?! What if I was diabetic? Would I be angry and feel I was missing out on cakes, sweets etc? Some people just can't handle some things. That's what I'm trying to accept, because I think that'll be what helps me feel more 'normal'.

And like you, AA is not the way for me I don't think. I've never tried it and I'm not knocking it, but I hate the idea of being in a meeting with people i could potentially know (I live in a very small rural community). So I agree with you that this site is invaluable

Anna - thank you for your reply. I am in denial. I just don't want to admit that to myself. I'm denying denial!! :-D I will definitely continue to read and post, thank you for your welcome

Dee - OMG 4 years! Congrats - and thank you

CarolD

Welcome to the posting side of SR....

I'd much rather people in my community know me as
an AA member ...than a drinker who cant quit.

Your secret may not be as secret as you think..

Bombshell

Thanks Carol, I'm looking forward to (hopefully) giving something back after all the amazing insightful info and advice I've read here during my lurking!

Bombshell

Opal, the way you feel about 4 years being too hard to comprehend is the way I feel about 7 months being too hard to comprehend. You did good, I'm looking up to you!

And Dee... wow. Fair play to you, and to all the others here who've stayed sober for great lengths of time

SSIL75

As long as I felt that not drinking was deprivation, I stayed drunk. Which was a long ass time. Like 17 years But really I made a life of thinking that sober things were lame. People who ordered a coke while perusing the drinks menu had something wrong with them. People who kicked back with a cup of tea were boooooooring. I saw no situation in life that couldn't be enhanced by the addition of alcohol. Really, none. Someone invited me over for a playdate ones (we have kids) and she served booze. I thought it was the most awesome thing.

But now I realize that all that was my alcoholism talking. In reality it freaking SUCKS to always wish to be drinking. To not be able to enjoy normal life. To be hungover almost all the time. To count down each day until the time to drink again. To sit in a bar with friends watching everyone else wishing they'd hurry the fcuk up so you could get another drink. To be short tempered with your kids because you're chronically exhausted from years of crappy, drunk sleep.

Sobriety for me has been totally liberating. I had to really EMBRACE sober life though. I've been miserable and sober in the past (in pregnancy). So recovery has been the real challenge and the real reward.

As an aside: I dislike 'one day at a time'. Considering myself done drinking forever is actually easier for me. Everyone has a different take on that one. Rational Recovery's AVRT tool was very helpful to me. It's kind of the opposite of AA in some ways.

Welcome and good luck!

LiveLoveLearn82

Welcome Bombshell! You sound a lot like me. I started lurking here months ago when I first started thinking that I might have a problem. I tried to stop drinking altogether back then and it lasted almost 2 weeks...racing thoughts and really, boredom got me back into the bottle. I have tried moderation many many times since then but I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to just not pick up a drink at all. The more I admit that to myself (and type about it here), the more I start to feel those feelings that Opal posted about, frustration and depression and anger at the fact that I am likely one of those people who can not drink normally. These are feelings I hope will go away at some point, when maybe I start to think more clearly about the all the benefits and things I will gain from quitting drinking.

I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to not think about 'days'...because like you said, 30 days at this point seems like a long time...

Dee74

I hope I didn't freak you out too much Anna...

but one thing I found was journalling - even here in a de facto way just by posting - I actually had something tangible to measure against when I began to think all those rationalising thoughts - I'm not so bad? well actually this is what happened to me here...

it's a really eye opener....and it was the first step for me in really accepting that I really did have a problem.

I never thought I'd make 30 days either...4 years was a fantasy...but I guess it can be done cos I'm just an average guy and I did it...just like many others here have

Never underestimate the collective power of support - I tried and fell many years on my own - this place helped me more than I can say .

D

FrothyJay

Welcome Bombshell.

If there are doubts about whether or not you are an alcoholic-- meaning, powerless over alcohol-- why not try some tests?

I'm not suggesting you drink if you have made a commitment not to, but if you haven't, you'll be drinking again. So why not see if you can

- have 2 drinks only a night for a month or so
- quit for six months and see how you feel

Normal people would not have an issue with either of these ideas. They'd just do it.

Alcoholics usually can't.

For me, I knew I was an alcoholic because when I put booze in me, it says "give me more," and when I swear it off for a period of time, I invariably went back to it. Every time.

Missybuns

Welcome bombshell!!

artsoul

Welcome Bombshell - glad you joined us! The thought of quitting was so scary to me, too..... what about the holidays, and the parties, and my friends, and what about TOMORROW when I know I'll want to drink? (I was about a bottle of wine in a sitting, 4 or 5 times a week, so I can relate to your post!).

The "one day at a time" thing helped me a lot (just to reign my mind in from being overwhelmed by "forever"). I spent the first days glued to this forum and didn't overwhelm myself thinking about the next day or week.

I had made lots of morning promises, too. I was determined not to drink again, or at least to be stronger and only have one or two. (Ha! Like I would be happy with that!!) After one or two, the third drink didn't seem too bad (compared to what I usually drank), and as I was topping the third off, I would discover there was only an inch left in the bottle. Now what to do? Could I run to the store (what excuse could I give? - maybe I should go to another store first so I'd have a bag to bring in with me), or should I tough it out and just call it a night? How would I feel in the morning if I got more? What if someone calls me on the phone and I slur my words? Maybe I should just not have anymore. But what if I can't sleep? Maybe just one more......

And so the conversations with that alcoholic voice went...... on and on, every day. Like a merry-go-round in a depressing movie......

I think if you feel you can't possibly go without drinking for a month, you're most likely one of us. The good news is each day of sobriety makes the next day easier and better all around. Just read what others post: there's no one here who isn't glad about their time sober. You can do it - it's just a matter of knowing you don't really, really, really don't want to have alcohol run your life.

Keep reading and posting - it's a wonderful neighborhood!

Bombshell

Hi SSIl75, thanks for your response! The above really struck a chord with me. I've been there - being hungover all the time, trying to hide it, trying to pretend everything's normal: check. Waiting until 7pm (my 'normal' drinking time) to start drinking: check. Sitting in a bar, foot tapping impatiently, wondering when it'll be time to 'politely' suggest it's time we get another round cos I've finished mine long ago: CHECK! It's not easy. I'm so unbelievably glad I can finally share these feelings with likewise, caring people who understand. I hope someday I can embrace sobriety like you have

JoeCree

yes maybe 30 days is a better starter point for you. then you can decide to do 1 year after that.
The reason I am not a fan of 30 days is because you can "look forward" to it ending (it is in sight). 1 year affords you the time to forget completely.

Neverthless, whatever prompts you to stop for any amount of time is a step in the right direction

Bombshell

Hi LLL82, thanks for your reply! I hear you about those feelings that Opal mentioned, I hope they go away as well. Because unless they do, I am always going to be trying to 'moderate'. And the more I read this forum, and re-read my posts, the less likely it seems that I will be able to moderate. I also understand so much about boredom leading back to the bottle - I've been there many's a time too. Like I have so many other things I could do, but I don't, because being out of my mind drinking is, like, so much more fun...!!!

Good luck to you in your journey, let's hope we'll be able to share all the benefits we find from not drinking in the future!

SSIL75

I'm glad it helped! FWIW I registered here I think 3 years before I actually quit drinking. It took me a long time to really WANT to quit.

Bombshell

Yeah you freaked me out... In a good way Dee!! Honestly I really feel shivers still when I read my own words, picked out like that, back at me... I will re-read again tomorrow (because it is 2.10am here, sleep time soon!)

It's interesting what you say about journalling, because I have kept a journal since i was 14 (I'm 31 now) and funnily enough I was looking through my 2009 journal yesterday. Well strike me down, nothing has changed one bit. Every page was like 'I'm overweight, I'm unhappy because I drink, I'm going to stop, this is it'... and then a few pages over, the same thing started again. It still hasn't sunk into me that it's 2 years on since just that last entry I read, and nothing has changed. What am I doing with my life?!?

I vow that, no matter what happens, whether I drink in the coming days or not, I will continue to write here. It will be like my NEW journal - only this time I will have the help and support of people who know what I'm going through

Bombshell

Hi Frothy, thanks for the advice!

The first - the two drinks per night - I don't think would be so bad as usually I don't drink every night anyway... Although when I really 'go large' there's no way I could stop at 2 drinks per night so perhaps that answers the question right there.

The second: NO CHANCE I could do without drink for 6 months. I just know it. But then again (and I'm not making excuses here) none of my friends could go without alcohol for 6 months either - it would be so strange and alien to them - and none of them are dependent on alcohol (that I know of). It's just kind of the thing in our circle - go out, get drunk - no-one questions it. Maybe all of my friends, to some degree, have an alcohol problem?? I know that more than one of my ex-boyfriends has expressed surprise at how much we all drink... !!

Ozark

Bombshell

You sound a bit like me. A bottle of wine a night. No hangovers, but once I start, I don't stop til I nod off. I don't pass out, and have no blackouts. However, this is not normal, and I cannot seem to quit. I almost wish my doc would tell me my liver is damaged just to see if if that smacks me into reality.

Good luck to you lad. It sounds like you are gaining strength from posting here.

Bombshell

Oh God Artsoul I understand exactly what you mean! That little 'voice' that we have to argue with about getting another drink - it's like you've been inside my head. Really spooky, and yet so relieving to discover I'm not alone. I've read a lot on this forum, but actually posting here and interacting with people has made me so much more happy (if that's the right word, not happy people are having these difficulties!), but you know, happy that other people understand what's going on. It's a relief. I feel I can speak easily here.

I don't want alcohol to keep running my life, like you say. Either when I'm drinking, and trying to hide it (at home), or when I'm out of my head in a pub and talking sh*te to someone I'm going to have to avoid for the rest of my life, or when I'm hungover and thinking about how I'm never going to drink again. I'm still not sure that I'll never drink again though. I'll stick around, read, post and see how I feel

Bombshell

Thanks Joe for understanding. I honestly do feel that 30 days is an unimaginably long amount of time for me right now so maybe that is a challenge to aim towards instead of one year.

I'm trying to think of what I have coming up in the next month, and it's actually pretty quiet (all engagements/birthdays/etc) recently over - but I do recall I have a girlie spa-day coming up at the end of this month. Followed by a night out in Belfast. i don't know if I could avoid drinking then. But, if I don't drink until then, that'll still be a huge achievement for me (longest I've ever went without drinking since this problem started).

We'll see how it goes and I'll keep checking in!

Mark75

Not drinking, just for today... Sure there were some miserable days! Early sobriety sucks... But not drinking for one day, OK, well.... I could do that!

After a while it starts to not suck so much... Then the emphasis becomes about living for today, it's not about the alcohol... Living for today... having a fundamental and profound psychic change... that's recovery!

I live in a pretty small community and it's not at all uncommon to see people I know at AA... especially because I am a relatively high profile guy around here and I've lived here for 25 years... but the people I run into are there for the same reason I am! Plus we have a great time... skiing, fishing, camping...

Good for you Bombshell for trying to make a change in your life... it's hard, but it's worth it... and before you know it, it's not hard anymore, it's better!