A question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 59
A question
Heres a question that I am battling with right now.
My wife probably never thought I was an alcoholic. BUt she was uncomfortable with my drinking. She would ask me WHY I would sneak the booze instead of drinking in front of her. I answered that I felt like I was under surveilance if she watched me. I never DENIED drinking, I just didn't do it in front of her. That bugged her.
Here's my question. Now that I have quit (just 13 days), I feel uncomfortable about telling my wife......and I don't know IF that is right or not.
I don't want to tell her because:
1. She might think, "Oh great, you ruined our first 25 years together"
2. I think if she thinks that I (her husband) is an alcoholic, she will lose respect for me even more. She is a HUGE self discipline person. SHE is ver regimented, very disciplined and sees LACK of discipline as a personal flaw. To her, overweight, drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed people are ALL this way because of BAD PERSONAL ,UNDISCIPLINED CHOICES. And, sometimes I wonder if she isn't right (since I have abused alcohol, drugs and have depression......and after years of struggle, my life is such that I shouldn't be doing ANY of these things.)
3. If I can't do this,and start to drink again.... SHE WILL SEE ME AS A BIGGER LOSER THAN SHE SEES ME NOW.
What would you guys do??
Thanks to all.
My wife probably never thought I was an alcoholic. BUt she was uncomfortable with my drinking. She would ask me WHY I would sneak the booze instead of drinking in front of her. I answered that I felt like I was under surveilance if she watched me. I never DENIED drinking, I just didn't do it in front of her. That bugged her.
Here's my question. Now that I have quit (just 13 days), I feel uncomfortable about telling my wife......and I don't know IF that is right or not.
I don't want to tell her because:
1. She might think, "Oh great, you ruined our first 25 years together"
2. I think if she thinks that I (her husband) is an alcoholic, she will lose respect for me even more. She is a HUGE self discipline person. SHE is ver regimented, very disciplined and sees LACK of discipline as a personal flaw. To her, overweight, drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed people are ALL this way because of BAD PERSONAL ,UNDISCIPLINED CHOICES. And, sometimes I wonder if she isn't right (since I have abused alcohol, drugs and have depression......and after years of struggle, my life is such that I shouldn't be doing ANY of these things.)
3. If I can't do this,and start to drink again.... SHE WILL SEE ME AS A BIGGER LOSER THAN SHE SEES ME NOW.
What would you guys do??
Thanks to all.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
1. I doubt that improving yourself, your health, and your spirit will be seen as something negative to her.
2. What she thinks about you being an alcoholic really has no bearing on your recovery. I still don't think my husband would say I am/was (whatever) an alcoholic. He just knows that I was living pretty unhealthy, and now I'm not. He's thrilled with the positive changes I've made in my life.
3. Drinking again is a choice. You can prevent it from 'happening' by entering a recovery program, and doing the work it takes to ensure that you wont drink again, if that's your goal. Success in our recovery is completely up to us.
2. What she thinks about you being an alcoholic really has no bearing on your recovery. I still don't think my husband would say I am/was (whatever) an alcoholic. He just knows that I was living pretty unhealthy, and now I'm not. He's thrilled with the positive changes I've made in my life.
3. Drinking again is a choice. You can prevent it from 'happening' by entering a recovery program, and doing the work it takes to ensure that you wont drink again, if that's your goal. Success in our recovery is completely up to us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
I guess it might not matter- but being partners in life together I would think something like that would be shared. I know I didn't officially make an announcement to my boyfriend, but commented to him in an offhand way one day driving to the store about how I was feeling better not having drank in a week or so, or something like that - and he said he knew and was very happy for me.
Anyways, he provides a lot of positive reinforcement- telling me how good I look, and commenting on my decreased anxiety, etc. I feel really lucky.
I can't guess how your wife would respond, but waiting for a little bit before discussing or mentioning it doesn't hurt anything if you don't want to yet.
Anyways, he provides a lot of positive reinforcement- telling me how good I look, and commenting on my decreased anxiety, etc. I feel really lucky.
I can't guess how your wife would respond, but waiting for a little bit before discussing or mentioning it doesn't hurt anything if you don't want to yet.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
When I first decided I wanted to quit drinking, I didn't want to tell my wife of 10 months that she married an alcoholic. But I think the reason I didn't was if I returned to drinking I didn't want to be held accountable. If my recovery failed I could have told her I was just giving my drinking a break.
In the end, the only person I had to be accountable to was myself. And if I relapsed, it isn't going to be because I did or didn't tell my wife I was an alcoholic.
What she knows is I stopped drinking.
On the otherhand, a question for you. Will this lack of honesty (if you are honestly an alcoholic) impede your recovery? If your drinking has hurt your wife, the both of you, as a couple, might need to address both the past and your ongoing recovery.
just my thoughts...
In the end, the only person I had to be accountable to was myself. And if I relapsed, it isn't going to be because I did or didn't tell my wife I was an alcoholic.
What she knows is I stopped drinking.
On the otherhand, a question for you. Will this lack of honesty (if you are honestly an alcoholic) impede your recovery? If your drinking has hurt your wife, the both of you, as a couple, might need to address both the past and your ongoing recovery.
just my thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
I know for me when I was first attempting to quit, I was trying to secretly quit and not tell anyone, including my wife. Looking back, the reason I was doing this was because if no one knew I had quit, it was much easier to start again. I think if you tell her, you will be help more accountable and your sobriety may be more permanent. Just my opinion.
Congrats on your sober time.
Congrats on your sober time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
No reason to tell her you stopped drinking because you are an alcoholic, but tell her you stopped drinking because you wanted to get healthier, or for some other positive reason. I was similar to you as I did not let my wife see me drink regularly, and she always knew my drinking was problematic and wanted me to quit for a long time, but she still is unaware of how frequent I was abusing, or that I was even a full blown alcoholic. Keep it positive, also by letting her know it will act as another defense against picking it up again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
You might find that telling her will make you more accountable for staying sober. But maybe not.
I tried forever to quit so my partner wouldn't know I was an alcoholic. But that was the problem. I'm an alcoholic. So quitting secretly just never worked. A few days sober and I was back to hiding it. Now that I've told her, she is holding me accountable for my actions. Including participating in a recovery program.
I tried forever to quit so my partner wouldn't know I was an alcoholic. But that was the problem. I'm an alcoholic. So quitting secretly just never worked. A few days sober and I was back to hiding it. Now that I've told her, she is holding me accountable for my actions. Including participating in a recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
I agree with bdiddy, I "tried" to quit many times without telling anyone. Looking back on it the reason I didn't tell anyone was so I wouldn't be accountable and if I started again...oh well no one knew that I had failed. That was just me though. This time around I was honest with myself and my wife and it has been a success thus far.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by gabagool 
H
I don't want to tell her because:
1. She might think, "Oh great, you ruined our first 25 years together"
2. I think if she thinks that I (her husband) is an alcoholic, she will lose respect for me even more. She is a HUGE self discipline person. SHE is ver regimented, very disciplined and sees LACK of discipline as a personal flaw. To her, overweight, drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed people are ALL this way because of BAD PERSONAL ,UNDISCIPLINED CHOICES. And, sometimes I wonder if she isn't right (since I have abused alcohol, drugs and have depression......and after years of struggle, my life is such that I shouldn't be doing ANY of these things.)
3. If I can't do this,and start to drink again.... SHE WILL SEE ME AS A BIGGER LOSER THAN SHE SEES ME NOW.
What would you guys do??
I don't want to tell her because:
1. She might think, "Oh great, you ruined our first 25 years together"
2. I think if she thinks that I (her husband) is an alcoholic, she will lose respect for me even more. She is a HUGE self discipline person. SHE is ver regimented, very disciplined and sees LACK of discipline as a personal flaw. To her, overweight, drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed people are ALL this way because of BAD PERSONAL ,UNDISCIPLINED CHOICES. And, sometimes I wonder if she isn't right (since I have abused alcohol, drugs and have depression......and after years of struggle, my life is such that I shouldn't be doing ANY of these things.)
3. If I can't do this,and start to drink again.... SHE WILL SEE ME AS A BIGGER LOSER THAN SHE SEES ME NOW.
What would you guys do??
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi Gaba . . . Sorry you are going through this.
2. I think if she thinks that I (her husband) is an alcoholic, she will lose respect for me even more. She is a HUGE self discipline person. SHE is ver regimented, very disciplined and sees LACK of discipline as a personal flaw. To her, overweight, drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed people are ALL this way because of BAD PERSONAL ,UNDISCIPLINED CHOICES. And, sometimes I wonder if she isn't right (since I have abused alcohol, drugs and have depression......and after years of struggle, my life is such that I shouldn't be doing ANY of these things.)
Thanks to all. She isn't right, but having spent my life around people who sound exactly like her, I know how pervasive that kind of judgment can feel. Many of my immediate family members feel the same. So, what I can tell you is that I did not use the term "alcoholism" when I explained that I had stopped drinking. It was too loaded a term, and like you say, they think it's a lack of disciple/personal flaw. I'm sure since you have quit you can think up a long list of reasons why . . . it made you feel tired in the mornings, it made you sick, etc. So, I realize you're in a different position since you drank alone, but my advice to you would be to keep up the great work staying sober, and if she asks, tell her you've quit but not in some way that will allow her to argue with you about the "reality" of what you're going through. Only you know that.
Originally Posted by gabagool
2. I think if she thinks that I (her husband) is an alcoholic, she will lose respect for me even more. She is a HUGE self discipline person. SHE is ver regimented, very disciplined and sees LACK of discipline as a personal flaw. To her, overweight, drug addicts, alcoholics, depressed people are ALL this way because of BAD PERSONAL ,UNDISCIPLINED CHOICES. And, sometimes I wonder if she isn't right (since I have abused alcohol, drugs and have depression......and after years of struggle, my life is such that I shouldn't be doing ANY of these things.)
Thanks to all.
Brave Heart
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 35
Gandhi said that happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Be who you really are. If you're like me, aren't you getting tired of hiding?
And who better to share who you are, and the man you're trying to become, than with your partner in life?
And yea, I get the hedging your bet thing in case you change your mind. All the more reason to put out some accountability. Secrecy = vulnerability to going back to drinking.
Be who you really are. If you're like me, aren't you getting tired of hiding?
And who better to share who you are, and the man you're trying to become, than with your partner in life?
And yea, I get the hedging your bet thing in case you change your mind. All the more reason to put out some accountability. Secrecy = vulnerability to going back to drinking.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Lots of good points, and I don't have anything new to add other than to say that I think you could tell her you felt you were developing a problem with alcohol and want to quit altogether.
That way you're telling her it's a problem for you (just not using "alcoholic" in the sentence)......
She's probably already noticed and is wondering what's up anyway!
That way you're telling her it's a problem for you (just not using "alcoholic" in the sentence)......
She's probably already noticed and is wondering what's up anyway!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
When I didn't tell....I was protecting my addiction so I could use again. When I got honest and told about it, with a sincere desire to stop, it was easier for me to stay clean
I feel we are sharing this with you because those of us posting the same similar message (like the one I shared above) have gone through a stage similar to what you are describing. We had the same or similar issues and could not grasp the self-deception we now see in our past.
Our fellows in recovery often say "we are each others eyes and ears".....and this is a really good example here today.
Bests to you,
Missy
I feel we are sharing this with you because those of us posting the same similar message (like the one I shared above) have gone through a stage similar to what you are describing. We had the same or similar issues and could not grasp the self-deception we now see in our past.
Our fellows in recovery often say "we are each others eyes and ears".....and this is a really good example here today.
Bests to you,
Missy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
I'm on day 38 and I haven't told my wife yet.
Part of it is that the past 2 times I told her I had a problem and wanted to quit, her reaction was different than what I wanted. (In short she didn't think my problem was as bad as I did.)
Part of it is that I don't want to put any pressure on her to stop, or have this turn into a "we" thing instead of a "me" thing. She's already noticed though and from what I can tell has slowed her drinking down too.
And part of it is that I want to make sure I can make a good run of it before telling her. It's about proving that I'm accountable after the fact instead of saying I'll do something and then not do it. Yeah I know some of you would say that telling her would make me more accountable but I look at it the other way around, and so far it's working for me.
Part of it is that the past 2 times I told her I had a problem and wanted to quit, her reaction was different than what I wanted. (In short she didn't think my problem was as bad as I did.)
Part of it is that I don't want to put any pressure on her to stop, or have this turn into a "we" thing instead of a "me" thing. She's already noticed though and from what I can tell has slowed her drinking down too.
And part of it is that I want to make sure I can make a good run of it before telling her. It's about proving that I'm accountable after the fact instead of saying I'll do something and then not do it. Yeah I know some of you would say that telling her would make me more accountable but I look at it the other way around, and so far it's working for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
gabagool... one thing we learn in recovery is that everyone has their flaws. I'm not trying to take her inventory but it's pretty obvious to see that her feelings regarding people with issues is a function of her ego. It's actually a character defect.
All we can do is worry about "our side of the street". If you did not wrong her when drinking then I don't see how it's any of her business, unless you WANT to make it her business. In recovery we get better for ourselves first. The amends part comes later. Just keep doing what you're doing. Her perfectionism is function of a character defect and not something that you should try and live up to in my opinion.
Hang in there and just try and become the best you, you can be.
All we can do is worry about "our side of the street". If you did not wrong her when drinking then I don't see how it's any of her business, unless you WANT to make it her business. In recovery we get better for ourselves first. The amends part comes later. Just keep doing what you're doing. Her perfectionism is function of a character defect and not something that you should try and live up to in my opinion.
Hang in there and just try and become the best you, you can be.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
She probably already knows or has an idea.
Right now, this is about you. Not about how your wife will feel. Get sober. Stay sober. You'll know what to do as you take this journey....and it is a journey.
Welcome to SR, btw. Glad you're here.
Right now, this is about you. Not about how your wife will feel. Get sober. Stay sober. You'll know what to do as you take this journey....and it is a journey.
Welcome to SR, btw. Glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 59
Hi everyone....thanks for all the replies.....I needed them...especially this morning.
My wife and I go to counseling. COunseling because of problems I think, honestly, had to do with my drinking, among other things. I meet with this guy on my own also. I had told him, alone, that I stopped drinking, I hadn't been honest with him, and that I drank a whole lot more than I had let on. I also told him I was on the fence about telling my wife.
My wife and I went to him last night, shortly after I posted this thread. It came up that my wife was not happy about my dishonesty (My dishonesty, at least in my mind was ALWAYS to avoid a fight, or keep her from worrying. I know, in my heart, this is true.
Well, the subject came up about me feeling better lately, different in a way and my wife asked "what do you mean , different-better?" I answered "just that, different, better" My counselor said "YOu promised to be more honest,whether it causes pain or not" While I was not happy, I realized he was right, so I sheepishly announced that I had quit drinking, and that I had been drinking a lot more than I had let on, like everyday for the past couple years, after a few decades of abusing it.........
Well, after, in the parking lot, she said it hit her like a ton of bricks and she needed to digest. I told her if she wanted me to pack my bags, just ask, because I didn't want to live with her while she treated me like **** again (we had lived in seperated before) She said thats not what she wanted. She actually had sympathy (I thought) in her voice and I left for work a tiny bit hopeful.
That all changed when I got home. She basically ignored me....like I wasn't even there. NOt even a tiny word of encourgagement. And when she digs in, she digs in....I mean A YEAR at a times.........So she knows and it doesn't look good........damn it.
My wife and I go to counseling. COunseling because of problems I think, honestly, had to do with my drinking, among other things. I meet with this guy on my own also. I had told him, alone, that I stopped drinking, I hadn't been honest with him, and that I drank a whole lot more than I had let on. I also told him I was on the fence about telling my wife.
My wife and I went to him last night, shortly after I posted this thread. It came up that my wife was not happy about my dishonesty (My dishonesty, at least in my mind was ALWAYS to avoid a fight, or keep her from worrying. I know, in my heart, this is true.
Well, the subject came up about me feeling better lately, different in a way and my wife asked "what do you mean , different-better?" I answered "just that, different, better" My counselor said "YOu promised to be more honest,whether it causes pain or not" While I was not happy, I realized he was right, so I sheepishly announced that I had quit drinking, and that I had been drinking a lot more than I had let on, like everyday for the past couple years, after a few decades of abusing it.........
Well, after, in the parking lot, she said it hit her like a ton of bricks and she needed to digest. I told her if she wanted me to pack my bags, just ask, because I didn't want to live with her while she treated me like **** again (we had lived in seperated before) She said thats not what she wanted. She actually had sympathy (I thought) in her voice and I left for work a tiny bit hopeful.
That all changed when I got home. She basically ignored me....like I wasn't even there. NOt even a tiny word of encourgagement. And when she digs in, she digs in....I mean A YEAR at a times.........So she knows and it doesn't look good........damn it.
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
Wow! Not what I expected to hear after reading this thread. I feel in no way able to give advice, but in my humble opinion, your wife did not respoond how I thought she might. Is that a reason to go back to drinking? I hope not.
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