Inafishbowl

I'm struggling with this. I'm riddled with guilt right now. I feel like my recent "bottom" is something I'm never going to forgive myself for. I'm not feeling worthy of forgiveness at the current moment.

I'm struggling with what seems to be a contradiction. How can I move forward and let the past be in the past, while still not every forgetting? I'm looking for specific tools more than a philosophical answer here. Not even sure if there is one.

I'm very happy to be here. This board is helping me a lot, I think.

pattenat

fishbowl - I don't rember where I saw this link but I read through the information yesterday http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html Being a newbie myself I don't have any great words of wisdom and am struggling with the same thing on my end. After reading this article I know now that I cannot dwell on what I have done or the guilt associated with it. I need to work on changing my though process when I go there. Easier said that done but this is what I will begin to practice and see where it takes me.

Hevyn

Inafishbowl - It's very good you're asking this question. I almost couldn't face getting sober because of all the guilt & remorse I felt. I mean, I'd go back years dredging stuff up to feel horrible about. Sure, we can stay stuck in the past - but we have a life to lead. There's no point staying back there, where we were sick and confused. I try to tell myself that person who did those things was not me.

Thanks for posting that link PattenNat.

SSIL75

It's bitter sweet really. I posted this morning even about a nice little moment with my kids. But the memories are excruciating sometimes. The guilt.

I don't really have any clever tools. It is what it is. I make a point to enjoy my life a lot now.

I'm far from where I was 6 mos ago when I stopped drinking. The guilt/anxiety made my heart race then. Now I feel pretty strong, most days. In the early days it felt like a kind of PTSD. It was terribly shocking to sober up and start to see how things were with some clarity. Very shocking.

stugotz

You cant change the way it started, but you can change the way it ends.

LexieCat

The Big Book promises that when we recover, "we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

That doesn't happen overnight--the Step work is what allows us to acknowledge what we have done wrong, make amends for it, and make peace with ourselves, others, and God.

For now, don't stare at the past. Yes, you had a horrifying experience. One that should be acknowledged and not forgotten. But you will be set free of the pain.

Fishbowl, I get the sense that you are getting a little bit ahead of yourself worrying about the past and the future ("what if I relapse"). Try to focus on TODAY. What can you do TODAY to stay sober TODAY. What can you do to enhance your recovery TODAY. How can you do the next right thing when you must make a choice TODAY.

We can only live a single day at a time, and that is today. That doesn't mean we don't address the past when it's appropriate (by making amends), nor does it mean we don't plan for the future. But our primary focus has to be learning to stay in the now.

When is your next meeting?

BB quote 1st Ed.

least

Learn from the past, don't live in it.

Mark75

Hi...

Part of your recovery, your journey, in AA (I assume you are AA, if not pardon me), is about humility. Not shame, guilt, humiliation, whatever... But seeing yourself as you truly are... and perhaps on some levels, why you are as you truly are

I have come to believe that I always did the best I could given whatever circumstances were in play at the time...

Now that I am working on removing those things.... alcohol and other stuff, and especially resentments, guilt, shame... removing those things that block me from my higher power... He can help me to do even better.



Mark

(get working on those steps, the answers will come!!)

reggiewayne

Inafishbowl, just realize that more will be revealed. I know when I was very early on in sobriety I wanted everything to be fixed right away. I think that almost taught to me by my alcoholism. When I was drinking, I knew that I was on a very short time table during the day. I needed to be super productive in my non-drinking hours because I knew that the madness was soon to set in. Once I had that first drink, reality was over and my self created fantasy world has started...

Life is a long process. We can't snap our fingers and have everything be OK like we could (or at lease thought we could) when we were drinking. The 4th and 5th step of AA is where I found a tremendous release from the guilt, shame, and wreckage of my past.

The one thing I see in almost every newcomer (and I was this way too) is we want to fix everything right away. That is our alcoholic thinking controlling us. We just need to take a deep breath, realize that the past is the past and we can't change it, and focus on the things we can do change it (if anything). The good news is, now that we don't drink, we won't have new things pop up. Sure, we'll make mistakes (and when wrong we promptly admit it) but we'll move past them.

Recovery is such a wonderful place to be. We just need to realize that we get better a little at a time. More will be revealed to us on our journey.

I hope this helps!

c49

My guilt was on the verge of unbearable... like game over.

I know it sounds simple but you have to just close your eyes and move on the RIGHT path. Then things will get better in time. I truly did not live until I tried to live sober!!

Dee74

I had to realise, and accept, I can't change the past - whatever happened, it was beyond my reach now.

But today is not - and if I figured if I tired to always make today a good day, and be the kind of person I should have been all along, I'd go a little ways to making an amends for past mistakes.

It didn't happen overnight but it did happen...and eventually I forgave myself - which in my opinion is crucial.

Everybody makes mistakes, in afishbowl - but there's no rule that says we have to relive them over and over again in our head.

I really believe life is good - and each day is just that - a new day.

Live it

D

alexvt

Hey Fishbowl, I too have had horrible, panic attack, guilt filled days since getting sober. My last bottom was 89 days ago and it was REAL bad! Looking back I had to forgive myself and start doing good to replace the bad. The more good memories you make the faster the old bad memories start to fade. I won't forget, but I have made up for it and promised myself I will continue to for the rest of my life. Every time my mind went to the bad memory I would push it away and say to myself 'I can't do anything about the past but I can do something good today.' Good Luck.

Antiderivative

One of the best ways I have found to come to terms with my past mistakes is to take proper action today. When I do the next right thing today, I put more distance between myself and my past. However, if I keep messing up and repeating the same mistakes, then I do not put any distance from yesterday and today. I become like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day--repeating the same general mistakes over and over and the only thing that will break the time loop is growing as a person and making positive changes.

Some other tools are learning how to accept oneself and being gentle with oneself. Many alcoholics and addicts are good at beating up themselves, but self-pity parties will get us nowhere good. In fact, self-pity parties can be deadly and dangerous. I have seen guilt take out people and I was traveling down that road too.

We need to accept the fact that when we drink bad things eventually happen. When these bad things happen during our drinking sprees, we are often the cause. We don't have the power to drink successfully. We may of had that power early on in our drinking careers, but we eventually we lose it.

Learn how to be your friend, instead of being your biggest critic and enemy. A true friend would like to see you come to terms with your past, so you can live in the present. They will help and guide you in order to overcome any obstacles that you may face, including the obstacles of your past.

Also be grateful. View your bottom as a gift and be grateful over the fact that you caused so little damage. The damage that you caused is certainly not beyond repair. Be grateful that you have the opportunity at recovery. "Bottoms" are opportunities to get well. If we never experienced bottoms, then there would be no need to seek recovery.

FrothyJay

AA is chockfull of slogans and expressions that reflect wonderful ideas to live by.

Live and let live.
Easy does it.
Act as if.
Don't live in the past.
Turn it over.
Live in the Now.
Put the plug in the jug.
Have an attitude of gratitude.

I used to think that I just had to try to live by these ideals. Just practice them; literally will myself to behave differently.

And that failed.

I've always imagined someone gritting their teeth saying, "OK, NOW I'M PRACTICING ACCEPTANCE!"

I can't stress enough that recovery is an inside job. We are changed by a spiritual program of action, and the concepts we want in our lives, the slogans-- come naturally.

So I don't know how to tell you not to dwell in the past. Frankly, I don't think anyone can. But the steps will allow you to have an awakened spirit, and oddly enough, many of these issues seem to...dissolve.

Inafishbowl

I can't imagine it, Frothy but I am trusting in that.
My next meeting is Monday. I'm spending the weekend with my family which is calming to me.

Anna

I struggled for a long, long time with the guilt and shame and trying to deal with letting myself and my family down. A wonderful member here at SR encouraged me to journal and I rejected that idea because I really didn't want to see the words written down on paper. But, finally, I began to write whenever I felt the guilt overwhelming me, and it surprised me how it helped immediately. I wrote and on and off for most of year. In the end, I burned the pages and it was very symbolic for me.

Corri

Here's a great quote that has helped me tremendously:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a better past."
— Anne Lamott

I personally believe that recovering addicts have one leg up on those who have never traveled the road to hell. They transform themselves, speak, and LIVE, from a place of knowing, not from a place of moralizing so that others may find them pious.

You know exactly where you have been and you know exactly how to get out: one day at a time. Let the overwhelming feelings of guilt you have right now, fuel your determination NEVER to visit hell again. Flogging yourself with it is a misuse of your fuel.

Sorry to throw biblical quotes around, but this is where I find meaning in: "Blessed are the poor, for they shall inherit the earth." Every single addict who has gotten themselves out of hell knows the exact meaning of that phrase.

I know what you are feeling right now is just almost too much to stand. Almost. We all know that feeling well. One day -- I know this may seem hard to believe -- one day, you will look back upon the time you are experiencing right now, and see it as one of the greatest blessings of your life. None of us is trying to give you a false sense of hope. Everyone here who is supporting you and encouraging to stay on your path of sobriety is speaking from experience.

This, too, shall pass.

Hugs.

Sugah

Corri used the word I was thinking of: transform.

The philosophical answer is that my past experiences have been transformed, and now, even those I'd consider skeletons in the proverbial closet have become valuable. They are the currency I use when sharing my experience, strength, and hope. Forgiveness, humility, and amends were all part of that process.

And the practical tools to get there? The steps.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Spawn

Forgiving ourselves is realizing we are human and we make mistakes........I believe remembering our past isn't bad......but we do need to deal with the negative emotions attached to the memory and let it go.....sometimes the best amends we can do is not repeating the same mistake....guilt and shame are normal feelings but if we allow them to turn into resentments towards ourselves or others we are unable to move forward in recovery.

LexieCat

I think "guilt" is a useful emotion--just like pain, it lets us know something is wrong that we need to attend to.

"Shame", OTOH, is useless and counterproductive. Shame is not doing anything about what is causing the guilt, and re-feeling the guilt over, and over, and over.