I am about to give up on my partner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 2
I am about to give up on my partner
Hi everyone. I am very new to this and would love some assistance in the right way to handle things.
My partner of 12 years has been battleing addictions for a long time, namely Marijuana and alcohol.
He has given up the m but is still dinking. Many attempts for him to give up alcohol have only lasted very short term.
Unfortunately for him he has been diagnosed bipolar and from my experience and th doctors advice he needs to give up all as he is on some very serious medications.
Alcohol also makes him aggressivem abusive and sometimes physicaly abusive.
He lies to me a lot about his drinking and sometimes causes an argument so he can storm out and go out all night on the alcohol.
I have been living with this for over 5 years now and tonight have told him if comes back home whilst drinking I will call the police....I have a restraining order on him against violence.
Should I be dealing with this any other way?
It's so hard to get all information out here but ask away if there is anything you want to know.....I am constantly feeling hurt & let down.
My partner of 12 years has been battleing addictions for a long time, namely Marijuana and alcohol.
He has given up the m but is still dinking. Many attempts for him to give up alcohol have only lasted very short term.
Unfortunately for him he has been diagnosed bipolar and from my experience and th doctors advice he needs to give up all as he is on some very serious medications.
Alcohol also makes him aggressivem abusive and sometimes physicaly abusive.
He lies to me a lot about his drinking and sometimes causes an argument so he can storm out and go out all night on the alcohol.
I have been living with this for over 5 years now and tonight have told him if comes back home whilst drinking I will call the police....I have a restraining order on him against violence.
Should I be dealing with this any other way?
It's so hard to get all information out here but ask away if there is anything you want to know.....I am constantly feeling hurt & let down.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 19
Hey, I am kind of in the same place as you, my bf has a huge drinking problem that leads to emotional and sometimes pysical abuse. I've spent 6 years taking it, thinking if I can just hold on long enough, and find the right way to reach him he'll change and get better. You look at them and think "he's really a great person he just has a problem and one day this will get better" Well, he doesn't see that he has a problem and it isn't getting any better. But then, when you think about leaving, you wonder who will be left to take care of them, if they will hurt themselves, how you can walk away from someone whom you love so much while they still have such a big problem.... finally, I'm reaching a place where I see that I'm actually hurting him by staying, enabling him to drink without feeling the fall out of his binges. And, the side of my head still hurts from where he hit me the other week, I don't feel safe in my house, and that's no way to live.
For me, its a slow process, from making the choice to leave to finding the strength to do so and it's a path I move a little further down every day. I would say I'm dependent on this relationship as twisted as it, the same way he is dependent on alchohol. The first step is just to admit it to someone, what's really going on in your life, like you did, to find a little spark inside you that says this isn't right, and this isn't how I want to live and then hold onto that thought.
For me, its a slow process, from making the choice to leave to finding the strength to do so and it's a path I move a little further down every day. I would say I'm dependent on this relationship as twisted as it, the same way he is dependent on alchohol. The first step is just to admit it to someone, what's really going on in your life, like you did, to find a little spark inside you that says this isn't right, and this isn't how I want to live and then hold onto that thought.
Last edited by justsotired; 02-05-2011 at 02:58 AM. Reason: edit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 2
Yep, hearing you....I am very tired of the reptition of the problems. I have admitted it now to several people and feel this helps me move on. Like you I now realise I can't change him but thought maybe somewhere someone had something to help me handle it better.....I keep hearing the same answer... leave him. Problem is I can't leave I live on a farm and have animals here and trying to make him leave is so hard. He leaves, binge drinks, comes back and falls asleep then wakes up say his sorry and around we go again. How do I stop this cycle....Tonight was different he left and I told him if he came back while drinking I would call the police and I would have. He hasn't come back but he will be back tomorrow and I'll give in again. Thanks for your words.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Kelpie, welcome and glad you are with us.
Sry you are going through this but getting support for yourself is the best thing.
Here is a link to our Family/Friends forum that may also be helpful -
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know coming here opened my eyes to the reality of better life and that change is possible.
We are here for you!
Sry you are going through this but getting support for yourself is the best thing.
Here is a link to our Family/Friends forum that may also be helpful -
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know coming here opened my eyes to the reality of better life and that change is possible.
We are here for you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Two suggestions: one is to contact a domestic violence counselor who can help you with that aspect of the situation. Even though it seems tied to the drinking, violence and emotional abuse are separate issues that need to be addressed for your own safety and well-being.
The other suggestion is that you get yourself to Al-Anon. It won't teach you how to "get him sober"--only he can do that (if he chooses), but living with alcoholism makes anyone a little nuts (I'm talking about partners and family members). Al-Anon will help you get your head straight so you can make good decisions for your own life.
Welcome, glad you're here with us.
The other suggestion is that you get yourself to Al-Anon. It won't teach you how to "get him sober"--only he can do that (if he chooses), but living with alcoholism makes anyone a little nuts (I'm talking about partners and family members). Al-Anon will help you get your head straight so you can make good decisions for your own life.
Welcome, glad you're here with us.
Strive to be alive!
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Better place than where I came from
Posts: 549
Kelpie
There is no right way or wrong way to deal with any situation. Only what is best for you. Like I am putting myself first now (odd too I have never been a selfish person) in my own recovery you need to put yourself first in what's good for you.
I have had a few past relationships that involved both physical and emotional abuse and had the same feelings that I could help him to only wind up in the hospital on my death bed. Emotional and physical abuse only gets worse the longer you stay. And in this you will begin to lose your own self worth.
Still to this day I have a hard time believing people when they apologize and it's because of the past. I heard I'm sorry so many times that the word Sorry lost all meaning for me.
Do yourself a favor and seek support for your situation. Don't worry about what's right and what's wrong. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
There is no right way or wrong way to deal with any situation. Only what is best for you. Like I am putting myself first now (odd too I have never been a selfish person) in my own recovery you need to put yourself first in what's good for you.
I have had a few past relationships that involved both physical and emotional abuse and had the same feelings that I could help him to only wind up in the hospital on my death bed. Emotional and physical abuse only gets worse the longer you stay. And in this you will begin to lose your own self worth.
Still to this day I have a hard time believing people when they apologize and it's because of the past. I heard I'm sorry so many times that the word Sorry lost all meaning for me.
Do yourself a favor and seek support for your situation. Don't worry about what's right and what's wrong. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Anyone who has hit the person he loves has not accepted the depths of their alcohol problem. I'm a guy, and alcohol and drugs made me into an animal.
I never hit anyone I loved, but I certainly was emotionally abusive. I've been sober for nearly five months and am filled with remorse and regrets, but I know that throughout the time I was using, I could never grasp what chemicals were doing to me.
I feel sorry for your boyfriend, but until he gets clean he will never realize what he is doing. He can't even understand his own emotions while he is still under the spell of booze.
Is he sorry in the morning? Sure. Will he hit you again? Yes. He will say no one understands him, no one understands his pain, no one has been in his shoes, life has been so cruel to him. Well, I know exactly where is coming from. But what he does not and cannot understand is that there is a beast inside him called substance addiction, and that addiction shrouds, shews, hides any semblance of having a REAL emotion, feeling, or even the ability to understand cause and effect.
There is no excuse for the emotional pain I caused the ones I loved -- and lost -- and there is no excuse for physical abuse. And the entire time I was causing that pain, I was struggling to deal with my own, but couldn't -- the impaired mind can't fix that which causes the pain. It can only seek to numb it, again and again. Now, sober, I understand that I couldn't process the irrational thoughts I had, couldn't see that the pain I perceived was fueled by the alcohol and drugs I used. Once I removed the alcohol and drugs, all that was left was remorse for the pain I wrought, my self pain was replaced by selfless sorrow, a determination to repair the fractures I created in all of my relationships, or at least to make amends to those I wronged -- as best as I can.
If you love him enough, you'll have him arrested the next time he hits you -- and he will hurt you again, physically and emotionally and in every other way. I would rave, lash out, poke open wounds, all because I couldn't accept the irrational obsessions I couldn't shake while under the influence of mind-altering chemicals. An addict can't do that, can't even see that until the haze of their chemicals use clears.
I assume the other posts here are from women who know your pain. I only know the pain I caused. But I also know the power of an impaired mind, and that power is insidious, evil, uncaring, incapable of true love and on a ruinous path.
Show him this post. My wife was an alcoholic, and she begged me to join her on the path to sobriety, and I didn't. She has been sober for 10 years. If she had never left me, never put her sobriety and the well being of our two precious daughters first, I would never have become sober. I'm grateful for her. My 19-year-old daughter grew up sober. My 14-year-old daughter is sober. I started abusing drugs when I was 14. Again, I am grateful she left, as painful as that is to this very second.
Until he hits his bottom, until he gets sober to save himself, you are in danger. I'm sure you love him. I'm sure you can see no future for yourself without him. But you can only save yourself; and he can only save himself.
I pray there are no children involved. Are there? Your concern is for animals. I hope there are none of the vivacious, innocent, needful two-legged variety about.
Your only concern should be for yourself. Nothing is more important than your physical and emotional safety. Does he love you? Sure. But the addict within him, that evil, sadistic, narcissistic, needing, all-consuming ******* of a devil, only truly loves the drug he craves. He needs you more than loves you, needs you to enable his ability to get his fix one more time, to come home and crash, to wake up and apologize, and wait for the inevitable trigger that will enable him to feed the hungry beast again.
And I'm afraid you're putting your own needs first. You can't see beyond him; that's how big, burly, hairy and ugly the monster called booze inside of him is. It towers over everything, waiting to be fed its poison again.
He can't help it, but only he can help himself. I know the paradox of that is unfathomable, but it's the nature of the addiction game.
Don't leave him. Leave the addict within him. Save yourself. Will that be his bottom? Will he change? Only time will tell. My wife fleeing the beast within me didn't change me -- for 10 years. Do you have ten years of fear, sadness, pain and worry in yourself?
Please, do not put yourself at risk. Only you know what his reaction will be if you tell him to get sober, now, this day, not tomorrow, or you will leave. I suspect that if things have deteriorated to the point that you have a restraining order against him for beating you up, that his reaction will be violent.
I don't understand codependency. I suspect only the women who have been where you are can address that. But I guess it's an addiction just like booze or drugs. Reach out physically as you have reached out here in the digital world. Find support. Call a counselor. Find a battered partner program. Have support there when you tell him. Or the next time he leaves to feed the beast within him, follow suit. Flee. Make a plan. Stick to it.
Frankly, if he isn't home now, why not go now? Go to a neighboring farm. Have them take care of the animals. Just as he must face the day that his sobriety must come now, so must be your determination to save yourself. Now. Today. Tonight. Or at least, this very second, start making a plan, while the side of your head still throbs.
I never hit anyone I loved, but I certainly was emotionally abusive. I've been sober for nearly five months and am filled with remorse and regrets, but I know that throughout the time I was using, I could never grasp what chemicals were doing to me.
I feel sorry for your boyfriend, but until he gets clean he will never realize what he is doing. He can't even understand his own emotions while he is still under the spell of booze.
Is he sorry in the morning? Sure. Will he hit you again? Yes. He will say no one understands him, no one understands his pain, no one has been in his shoes, life has been so cruel to him. Well, I know exactly where is coming from. But what he does not and cannot understand is that there is a beast inside him called substance addiction, and that addiction shrouds, shews, hides any semblance of having a REAL emotion, feeling, or even the ability to understand cause and effect.
There is no excuse for the emotional pain I caused the ones I loved -- and lost -- and there is no excuse for physical abuse. And the entire time I was causing that pain, I was struggling to deal with my own, but couldn't -- the impaired mind can't fix that which causes the pain. It can only seek to numb it, again and again. Now, sober, I understand that I couldn't process the irrational thoughts I had, couldn't see that the pain I perceived was fueled by the alcohol and drugs I used. Once I removed the alcohol and drugs, all that was left was remorse for the pain I wrought, my self pain was replaced by selfless sorrow, a determination to repair the fractures I created in all of my relationships, or at least to make amends to those I wronged -- as best as I can.
If you love him enough, you'll have him arrested the next time he hits you -- and he will hurt you again, physically and emotionally and in every other way. I would rave, lash out, poke open wounds, all because I couldn't accept the irrational obsessions I couldn't shake while under the influence of mind-altering chemicals. An addict can't do that, can't even see that until the haze of their chemicals use clears.
I assume the other posts here are from women who know your pain. I only know the pain I caused. But I also know the power of an impaired mind, and that power is insidious, evil, uncaring, incapable of true love and on a ruinous path.
Show him this post. My wife was an alcoholic, and she begged me to join her on the path to sobriety, and I didn't. She has been sober for 10 years. If she had never left me, never put her sobriety and the well being of our two precious daughters first, I would never have become sober. I'm grateful for her. My 19-year-old daughter grew up sober. My 14-year-old daughter is sober. I started abusing drugs when I was 14. Again, I am grateful she left, as painful as that is to this very second.
Until he hits his bottom, until he gets sober to save himself, you are in danger. I'm sure you love him. I'm sure you can see no future for yourself without him. But you can only save yourself; and he can only save himself.
I pray there are no children involved. Are there? Your concern is for animals. I hope there are none of the vivacious, innocent, needful two-legged variety about.
Your only concern should be for yourself. Nothing is more important than your physical and emotional safety. Does he love you? Sure. But the addict within him, that evil, sadistic, narcissistic, needing, all-consuming ******* of a devil, only truly loves the drug he craves. He needs you more than loves you, needs you to enable his ability to get his fix one more time, to come home and crash, to wake up and apologize, and wait for the inevitable trigger that will enable him to feed the hungry beast again.
And I'm afraid you're putting your own needs first. You can't see beyond him; that's how big, burly, hairy and ugly the monster called booze inside of him is. It towers over everything, waiting to be fed its poison again.
He can't help it, but only he can help himself. I know the paradox of that is unfathomable, but it's the nature of the addiction game.
Don't leave him. Leave the addict within him. Save yourself. Will that be his bottom? Will he change? Only time will tell. My wife fleeing the beast within me didn't change me -- for 10 years. Do you have ten years of fear, sadness, pain and worry in yourself?
Please, do not put yourself at risk. Only you know what his reaction will be if you tell him to get sober, now, this day, not tomorrow, or you will leave. I suspect that if things have deteriorated to the point that you have a restraining order against him for beating you up, that his reaction will be violent.
I don't understand codependency. I suspect only the women who have been where you are can address that. But I guess it's an addiction just like booze or drugs. Reach out physically as you have reached out here in the digital world. Find support. Call a counselor. Find a battered partner program. Have support there when you tell him. Or the next time he leaves to feed the beast within him, follow suit. Flee. Make a plan. Stick to it.
Frankly, if he isn't home now, why not go now? Go to a neighboring farm. Have them take care of the animals. Just as he must face the day that his sobriety must come now, so must be your determination to save yourself. Now. Today. Tonight. Or at least, this very second, start making a plan, while the side of your head still throbs.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Kelpie
Not sure how I missed your post. You probably have these links but I encourage you to look at them, and use them to get relevant and local advice.
There is no excuse for domestic violence ever. Please take care of yourself.
Domestic Violence Victoria
Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service: (03) 9322 3555 or Toll Free 1800 015 188
WDVCS, Womens Domestic Violence Crisis Service Victoria
Domestic violence - services for women | Better Health Channel
If you are in crisis and need someone to talk to any hour of the day and night ring:
Life Line: 13 11 14
D
Not sure how I missed your post. You probably have these links but I encourage you to look at them, and use them to get relevant and local advice.
There is no excuse for domestic violence ever. Please take care of yourself.
Domestic Violence Victoria
Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service: (03) 9322 3555 or Toll Free 1800 015 188
WDVCS, Womens Domestic Violence Crisis Service Victoria
Domestic violence - services for women | Better Health Channel
If you are in crisis and need someone to talk to any hour of the day and night ring:
Life Line: 13 11 14
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi!
I just need to jump in here as I've had two friends who were in similar situations.
Abuse is never accaptable.
Please get whatever support you need. I hope your bf gets help but I hope you remove him from your life more. Even if he has a "come to jesus" miracle recovery I hope you don't take him back.
Sorry...I have a major problem with violence against women...zero tolerance.
Hugs!
Lafemme
I just need to jump in here as I've had two friends who were in similar situations.
Abuse is never accaptable.
Please get whatever support you need. I hope your bf gets help but I hope you remove him from your life more. Even if he has a "come to jesus" miracle recovery I hope you don't take him back.
Sorry...I have a major problem with violence against women...zero tolerance.
Hugs!
Lafemme
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