topspin

Hi Starry,

I was sober over 7 years without any relapse from day 1. Always reasoned my "bottom" was more "unmanagable" and was lucky to have "the gift of desperation" from the beginning.
Never thought about drinking again until i lost focus on sobriety a year or so before falling in love. Life had changed so dramatically, ......strong work ethic had led to some successes overcoming problems by doing "what needed to be done " to find the solutions.

After several months of carefully considering the risk, I began to occasionally drink NA beer ("socially"), then tried my darndest to drink beer, wine, liquor "normally" for the next year. Decided it was an obstacle for my carreer and marriage, ...and quit for a year.

Never even considered what I was doing was a relapse; .... at the time.

After that year, started right back into the task of drinking "normally" !?!

Not until 13 years later, after wasted time and energy, did I finally accept I REALLY HAD RELAPSED !! The height of denial, huh?

And not until I progressed into a downward spiral of daily blackout drinking and long past the point of finding the ability to seriously consider quitting, did I finally accept the fact I had relapsed.

Today, with the help of SR , and more f2f help of other folks in recovery, it's been over 9 months since my " long season of hell" ended. As strong as I felt my sobriety was in the past, this time it really does feel different.

Relapse can be a blessing. It was for me , anyway.

Oh, I really like what Kevin wrote ^ , about gratitude.

Thanks Kevin !

Starryknight

You guys are helping save my life - thanks so much. Topspin, the insanity is incredible, isn't it? I know my relapse began years before I drank. I can't really claim 23 sober years, can I? Many of them were dry, not sober. I had some kick ass sobriety the first 15 years or so. But I stopped doing the work.
Tonight I went to AA roundup and had to witness count down. It wasnt standing up at 2 months that was so hard...it was NOT being able to stand up at 26 years that hurt. But I got thru it. The speaker was awesome. I'm still sober today.
It is slowly dawning on me that those sober years are gone and I'm at a turning point. I need to forget about what I had once and go with where I'm at today.
A lady today said she doesn't talk about her relapse in meetings - just where she is now. I'm thinking time to drop the 23 years sober and relapsed and just be a newcomer with 68 days sober today.
Thank you friends.

Starryknight

FYI: I figured out I was 24 years sober, not 23, when I relapsed. I remember thinking, before I drank that first drink 11 pm at night in Alaska in the dark, "**** 25 years sober." Can you spell insanity?
Over two years sober now since I got back November 27, 2010. I am a miracle and HP is using me to benefit others and to be of service. I have nothing to do with it.

soberclover

It was awesome to read this post that started quite some time ago! It made me feel inspired as I had 13 years clean and sober before I relapsed. I have slightly over 4 months and life is getting better every day! Thank you StarryKnight for the reminder and I'm so happy to hear about your sobriety!