mtnmagic

I just wrote the following post in response to a new member here on SR.

I felt compelled to respond as I did and when I was done I felt such a rush of emotions all over the place, I just knew I had to start a thread of my own about it. It is coming to grips with what I have become in my alcoholism.

What happens repulses me, and carrying it around as a huge dark secret is only going to hurt me in the long run. So sharing it with you here is a huge step in reaching out and taking a risk. I really need support and I'm not going to get it unless I ask for it.

What I just wrote....

Hi inthecan and welcome.

About those blackouts. No they can't be good. Be glad so far you have
woken up in your bed fully clothed.

A total black out is what brought me to my knees and scared me to death.

On Jan 20th I got off work and decided to go to the bar where I work and
have a couple of glasses of wine. The next day was my birthday and decided to celebrate. Nothing was wrong, I wasn't feeling bad, depressed or angry. I had three glasses of wine, granted they were large glasses but then
THAT is all I remember.

I blacked out at that point. A complete blackout not any memory of it at all even now 12 days later.

Cut to the chase....I came to in jail. I might have blacked out, but I kept on going. What happened has been pieced together from my son's and friends.

The bartender was going to give me a ride home, but didn't have room in her truck (her husband was doing the Karaoke at the bar that night like every week) and with their equipment I wouldn't fit, so they called me a cab thinking I would get home just fine.

Something happened and I evidently attacked the cab driver, who drove me to the local jail to have me arrested. Yep, you read that right. I remember nothing about any of it. Absolutely NOTHING!

The booking officer happened to be my older son's G/F, and after taking the cab driver and arresting officer aside, convinced them not to bring assault charges against me. I was arrested for Drunk in Public.

When I came to I had bruises all over my arms and the buttons on my shirt were ripped off. I am not a violent person at all.

Something happened and I'm responsible for it and all I have to go on is what people have told me. I am soo frightened and ashamed I can't even express it.

I will have to go to court and deal with the consequences. Right now it is a Drunk in Public, but I imagine the DA could decide to add assault charges if they so choose. I have no way of defending myself at all. (Besides, there is no defense in what I did.)

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I guess I needed to get this out. I decided to get sober and stay sober that minute I became aware and feel just as strongly about it almost two weeks later. I hope I never forget what happened to me ever.

I know now that if I pick up another drink that a blackout could be waiting around the corner and the consequences could be even worse. It wasn't
a huge amount of alcohol either. OK I'm rambling now.

Anna

Hi Mtnmagic,

Thanks for sharing your difficult story.

I had blackouts too at the end of my drinking days. All these years later, I still have occasional panic attacks when I think of what might have happened, and I will never know what did happen.

I am sending prayers for you to get through this situation and to stay sober.

least

I am glad you didn't get into worse trouble or get hurt or attacked. It's amazing to me the dangers we put ourselves into and never realize the possible outcome.

I'm so glad you're sober now and hope you stay that way. It took me a long time to 'get it' but I finally did and I pray this is your time to 'get it' also.

mtnmagic

Thanks for the support Anna and Least.

I find myself praying a lot. Not the God please get me out
of this one kind of praying.It's God lead me in my sobriety
because I can't do it alone kind of praying. Not sure if
I'm on the right track, but so far it is working and if
I were left to my own devices I would have been drunk
again hours after this happened. Honestly, I have no
concept of God, but I am really truely powerless over
alcohol and my life is definitely unmanageable.

Dee74

I'm glad you're working on getting past that and rebuilding your life sober MM.
I hope this can be your turning point.

Prayers too that your court date will turn out fine
D

Stevie1

(((mtnmagic)))

There but for the grace of God go I...I am truly sorry that happened and hope that you get through this. And, thank you for your courage in sharing. That takes guts, even on a forum.

Blackouts are really, really scary. I hope your court appearance works out OK.

mtnmagic

It is very different in how I feel about the pending court date.
I am pathetic and frightened about going, but not about the
outcome. I deserve whatever consequence I get there,
and probably more then what will happen. I am entirely
responsible for the situation. No one, nothing else to
blame. I rolled one more relapse dice too many.
I'm glad that I'm not dead yet so I get the chance
at recovery one more time.

inthecan

Hey MM,

A year from now you will look back at this as a bad memory that had positive results.

Stay strong

Stevie1

MM I just wrote out a lengthy response about an experience I had, then figured it sounded too self-absorbed and deleted it.

Anyhow...go to court, be honest without making excuses, and as inthecan said, the memory will fade especially if you use this as an opportunity to move forward.

mtnmagic

Thanks inthecan.

Stevie - I really wish you would have posted it. I'm sure
I would have related and I'll bet it wasn't self absorbed at all.

I identify with you, because we started this journey on Day one together.
You helped me stop lurking here (I have done that for years here) in between a zillion attempts at getting sober and then relapsing again and again.

oakleaf82

Thank you for sharing your story; and I hope your court case goes well.

Bamboozle

This part alarmed me...without knowing what happened...what the situation was...is it possible that you were attacked? Were there any wittnesses other than the cab driver? I hope you can get a good lawyer.

Take good care of yourself.

Hevyn

Mtn - I'm so glad you told this painful story. I need to be reminded of what definitely would happen to me if I picked up again. The memories of our bad times can become dim and fade away, if we aren't vigilant. This never has to happen to you again - here is where it can end once and for all. We're with you all the way.

FrothyJay

I once "came to" with a taxi driver slamming my head into the hood of his cab, repeatedly.

I also once "came to" on the NYC subway, in the Bronx, missing my watch and having wet my pants.

I once "came to" half-in and half-out of a small creek, lying on the side of it. My legs were the half-in part.

Alcoholic? Yeah, just a bit.

LexieCat

Thanks for sharing.

Pretty loud wakeup call. Glad you paid attention--some people don't, believe it or not.

I'm glad neither you nor anyone else was really hurt. Sounds like Somebody (besides your son's g/f) was looking out for you.

Don't worry too much about the charge--I SERIOUSLY doubt that the DA will be interested in adding charges (if it had been domestic violence, that would be different, but a cab driver who declined to press charges--nah, don't think so). Be humble and remorseful, tell the judge and DA you are getting help for your problem, and I'd say you are gonna make out OK.

As LONG as you stick with your program, that is.

Hugs, glad it wasn't much worse.

mtnmagic

Me too FrothyJay - Alcoholic to the core of my being.

Bamboozle - Belleve me, I and others that know me wonder
if I was the one attacked. I won't ever know. I did get
the courage to call the Taxi Company a few days ago and
try and find the Taxi driver to apologize. That was really
hard to do. Tahoe is a small town, so there aren't that many drivers here. They either didn't know about the incident or were afraid/refused to tell me.

This one is on me and me alone. I hope that I use it
to cement the foundation of my recovery and not have
to live in horror of it. I am done. Really done. Whatever
it takes to stay done.

traderjane

Mtnmagic, thanks for sharing this. Blackouts are just scary. I think you can use this as a wakeup call and with time, the sting of it will lessen.

I have found myself in the position of waking up the next morning after a wine binge and seeing emails that I sent the night before, with absolutely no recollection of writing them. It's terrifying! The grammar is perfect, the spelling is perfect, the punctuation is in place.... but I'm shocked because it's like someone else wrote it. Scary stuff. I'm done, too.

artsoul

Thanks for sharing that with us, mtn..... It's scary what alcohol can do, for sure. The good thing is that it brought you to this point and you're using it for motivation to stay sober.

It could have been any one of us.:ghug3

Drapple

It's stories like this that I need to keep reading to keep sober. Thanks so much for sharing this story.

I have had 2 blackouts, and it was the 2nd one that scared me enough to get off the 'hard liquor' at least.

On vacation, I went to a bar alone (how stupid). The first time was 2 4 1 happy hour that I stumbled upon...where the bartender literally gave you the TWO drinks at the same time. (WHY?!)

So of course with 2 mai tais sitting in front of me at a time I have to gulp em down faster for the next round....

Next thing i know, i'm opening my eyes in my hotel room, naked and laying in my urine. It was like one second I was sitting at the bar, and the next, i'm in my hotel room bed....with NO idea the 3 hour block in between.

The 2nd (final) time was during another vacation....same thing happened again...sitting at a bar with mai tais and instantly waking up in the hotel room bed....only this time the urine puddle was on the rug instead of the bed...and at a Hyatt no less.

I also discovered a very bad scrape on my right knee that was covered in blood....no idea how that happened. This time 6 hours had elasped that I have absolutely no recollection of.

That scared me enough to at least know I cannot go to any bar whatsoever...especially alone and I havent since that last episode in March of 2010.

Anyway...I can totally relate to your story and while having a blackout can be dangerous...it can also be just the wake up call that some of us need.

inthecan

Hey MM,

I just noticed your from Tahoe. I got married there and we stayed at a B&B that overlooked the lake. I can't remember the name of the B&B but all of the rooms were named ours was called the room at the top of the stairs.

You live in beautiful country.