Checking back in...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Least, great to hear from you again!
I am going to be posting and sharing back on SR again daily. Man, I loved this place and as I said I credited it massively for my happy and continued recovery.
It's frightening how quickly my thinking can start to go wrong and how quickly depression can set in if left unchecked. I have found my thinking 'projecting' massively into the future and being unable to stop it and keep it 'one day at a time'. The projections have been negative and I have been beating myself up mentally and it's frightening how powerful depression is. Sleeping and tiredness and looking to sleep to escape the depression and then waking and my thoughts being irrational and hopeless. It's came on quickly and really hit me the last few days.
I lost the faith too, I was starting to lose the faith in recovery and beating myself up for stuff for patterns of behaviour that I saw as jeopardising me certain things. But you know what? I am an alcoholic and addict and I'l soon be 19 months sober and I need to get the pride and faith back in recovery. Also I ain't going to let certain people bother me anymore as I must have done before, at the end of the day its my funeral and I have achieved too much to throw it all away.
I am glad to be back and it's frightening how powerful it is when the ways of thinking are unchecked and this is despite upping AA. I am glad to be back to SR and I know that my recovery was working well and I am going to get that back again. This sadness and unhappiness isn't nice and it's a result of me not practicing what I preach - Once my thinking goes then depression strikes and my life would literally go to the gutter, if left uncecked.
For me then SR worked so well and my recovery is about manging my thinking and depression as well as other mental health issues I think. Recovery is 'one day at a time' for me and the result if I fight against this is just unhappiness, hopelessness and immense fear. I can learn from my experience though and that's what matters. Still sober so still got hope and nothings changed, just gotta get working my recovery program how I was working it and it was working for me. I'm not going to let comments deter me from that as it's my funeral and I have built too much up to throw it all away.
Glad to be back.
Peace
I am going to be posting and sharing back on SR again daily. Man, I loved this place and as I said I credited it massively for my happy and continued recovery.
It's frightening how quickly my thinking can start to go wrong and how quickly depression can set in if left unchecked. I have found my thinking 'projecting' massively into the future and being unable to stop it and keep it 'one day at a time'. The projections have been negative and I have been beating myself up mentally and it's frightening how powerful depression is. Sleeping and tiredness and looking to sleep to escape the depression and then waking and my thoughts being irrational and hopeless. It's came on quickly and really hit me the last few days.
I lost the faith too, I was starting to lose the faith in recovery and beating myself up for stuff for patterns of behaviour that I saw as jeopardising me certain things. But you know what? I am an alcoholic and addict and I'l soon be 19 months sober and I need to get the pride and faith back in recovery. Also I ain't going to let certain people bother me anymore as I must have done before, at the end of the day its my funeral and I have achieved too much to throw it all away.
I am glad to be back and it's frightening how powerful it is when the ways of thinking are unchecked and this is despite upping AA. I am glad to be back to SR and I know that my recovery was working well and I am going to get that back again. This sadness and unhappiness isn't nice and it's a result of me not practicing what I preach - Once my thinking goes then depression strikes and my life would literally go to the gutter, if left uncecked.
For me then SR worked so well and my recovery is about manging my thinking and depression as well as other mental health issues I think. Recovery is 'one day at a time' for me and the result if I fight against this is just unhappiness, hopelessness and immense fear. I can learn from my experience though and that's what matters. Still sober so still got hope and nothings changed, just gotta get working my recovery program how I was working it and it was working for me. I'm not going to let comments deter me from that as it's my funeral and I have built too much up to throw it all away.
Glad to be back.
Peace
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Originally Posted by FormerBeerLover 
Hey, Neo! Nice to see you back. Been wondering where you've been the past couple of weeks. Don't go away like that again
Peace
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
:ghug3I was so glad to see you had posted this morning!! I know everyone here missed you, including me...... didn't want to worry, but you know how it is.
I relate to so muchof what you said. Even with anti-D's I have a hard time with fear/depression/anxiety. Most of the pressure I put on myself, but some of it is my life situation. The good news is that I'm coming to understand a lot about myself these days (just observing my thinking process with the help of a psych.....). One major insight: I really don't treat myself very well! So I'm doing baby steps on that.
IDK..... but it seems to me that some people lives are external and some are internal - and it's part of their challenge in this life.
Are you getting professional help with your depression? I know it's hard turning underlying negative thinking around..... but you hit the nail on the head when you said it has to be "one day at a time." (have you ever read "The Power of Now"). Norman Vincent Peale, who began the whole positive thinking craze, said he wrote his book because he was the most negative person he knew....!
I also like the practice of "mindfullness" (talked about in Zen) - bringing yourself into the moment completely, where everything becomes "holy" in a way.
Well, I'm rambling....... just had to give you a cyber hug and welcome you back. (and don't ever do that again!!!! just kidding, but not really!)
I relate to so muchof what you said. Even with anti-D's I have a hard time with fear/depression/anxiety. Most of the pressure I put on myself, but some of it is my life situation. The good news is that I'm coming to understand a lot about myself these days (just observing my thinking process with the help of a psych.....). One major insight: I really don't treat myself very well! So I'm doing baby steps on that.
IDK..... but it seems to me that some people lives are external and some are internal - and it's part of their challenge in this life.
Are you getting professional help with your depression? I know it's hard turning underlying negative thinking around..... but you hit the nail on the head when you said it has to be "one day at a time." (have you ever read "The Power of Now"). Norman Vincent Peale, who began the whole positive thinking craze, said he wrote his book because he was the most negative person he knew....!
I also like the practice of "mindfullness" (talked about in Zen) - bringing yourself into the moment completely, where everything becomes "holy" in a way.
Well, I'm rambling....... just had to give you a cyber hug and welcome you back. (and don't ever do that again!!!! just kidding, but not really!)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Wow, thanks MscooterBrown and artsoul!! I must say that I am overwhelmed by your positive messages! Thank you so much!!
The way that I was becoming then the mental health professional route was going to be on the cards but I know that with my recovery then it is my thinking that is crucial and I found that I managed my 'mind' with my recovery. I was in a really negative cynical mindset and I didn't want to help myself as I was just beating myself up. I have been through the mental health system before and actually refferred myself when i was 9 months sober to address stuff (which is thanks to SR and I shared it all on SR as I progressed through). I will keep an eye on myself and not rule out contacting mental health again but I think that if I get working my recovery again then I should be able to get my thinking back in gear.
Basically I let my mind run away with the negative, cynical thoughts and depression was really kicking in. I would either have a breakdown but more likely just drink myself to death. Basically it's a vicious cycle of self-sabotage. I could feel myself starting to sabotage but being powerless over stopping it as my recovery program wasn't there. Also this sabotage as a result of depression would just lead to me losing everything that I managed to gain. Drinking would be the end result and cost me everything and I don't want that. Also I was sick of feeling like I had to reach out or contact mental health system again. I was getting to the stage where I didn't want to help myself and beginning to hate myself and like i say just beating myself up for being me. I always say that I am my own worst enemy, nobody else needs to beat me up as I do it all by myself. This really started to affect me and get me down and feeling hopeless and like things will never change. I wasn't thinking or living in the solution and the result was spiralling downwards quickly in my mood, outlook, hope etc. I've no doubt that drinking would be the end result and that I would likely never come back from it.
Thanks again for the welcome back. It means a lot.
Peace
The way that I was becoming then the mental health professional route was going to be on the cards but I know that with my recovery then it is my thinking that is crucial and I found that I managed my 'mind' with my recovery. I was in a really negative cynical mindset and I didn't want to help myself as I was just beating myself up. I have been through the mental health system before and actually refferred myself when i was 9 months sober to address stuff (which is thanks to SR and I shared it all on SR as I progressed through). I will keep an eye on myself and not rule out contacting mental health again but I think that if I get working my recovery again then I should be able to get my thinking back in gear.
Basically I let my mind run away with the negative, cynical thoughts and depression was really kicking in. I would either have a breakdown but more likely just drink myself to death. Basically it's a vicious cycle of self-sabotage. I could feel myself starting to sabotage but being powerless over stopping it as my recovery program wasn't there. Also this sabotage as a result of depression would just lead to me losing everything that I managed to gain. Drinking would be the end result and cost me everything and I don't want that. Also I was sick of feeling like I had to reach out or contact mental health system again. I was getting to the stage where I didn't want to help myself and beginning to hate myself and like i say just beating myself up for being me. I always say that I am my own worst enemy, nobody else needs to beat me up as I do it all by myself. This really started to affect me and get me down and feeling hopeless and like things will never change. I wasn't thinking or living in the solution and the result was spiralling downwards quickly in my mood, outlook, hope etc. I've no doubt that drinking would be the end result and that I would likely never come back from it.
Thanks again for the welcome back. It means a lot.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
Welcome back Neo, I am fairly new here ( just under 3 months ) and I hope you don't beat youself up to bad. I have gained a lot of insight from you over the past 3 months. Your posts are very truthful and heartfelt. Don't know if it helps or not, but you have helped in my recovery a ton by sharing like you do. Please don't go away!
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Glad you're back, but in a way, you never left.
I can say that b/c of the insight you have spoken about here.
I've been sober a bit over a year and it's tough at times and I want (and do) to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes this lasts a day, sometimes longer...
Nothing wrong with taking a break from SR (oops, Dee, don't kick me off).
...but I'm glad you're back.
Kjell
I can say that b/c of the insight you have spoken about here.
I've been sober a bit over a year and it's tough at times and I want (and do) to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes this lasts a day, sometimes longer...
Nothing wrong with taking a break from SR (oops, Dee, don't kick me off).
...but I'm glad you're back.
Kjell
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Neo, I've been looking for you & worrying about what was going on. I'm so thankful you're ok. Your wisdom has seen me through some rough and sad days, & you mean alot to me. I hope your pain & frustration will subside & you'll begin to feel brighter soon. You are valued here! Sending love.....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Neo,
My recovering is about managing my thinking too. It's a hard job sometimes, but I know that I can't let it slide, because it quickly goes downhill. Neo, there are times when I want to let go and wallow in the dark stuff of my life. It feels like it would be so comfortable. But, I can't, I don't have the luxury of doing that.
I am so glad that you are back and reaching out.
My recovering is about managing my thinking too. It's a hard job sometimes, but I know that I can't let it slide, because it quickly goes downhill. Neo, there are times when I want to let go and wallow in the dark stuff of my life. It feels like it would be so comfortable. But, I can't, I don't have the luxury of doing that.
I am so glad that you are back and reaching out.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thank you so much everybody for your replies and warm messages of support. I feel a nice 'warm' feeling inside and it feels good. I value you so, so much and you helped me in my recovery so, so much. It really helps me to write my feelings down and get out of my head in that way and I guess that's why I have always found SR so incredibly effective for my recovery. Already the replies and advice I have received in this thread has given me strength and hope again.
I am pleased that I made this post today as I could feel the darkness starting to consume me and all of the happiness and beautiful things I'd experienced in my recovery seeming like a distant memory. I was walking passed a primary school today with all of the children on playtime laughing and playing in the playground and I just felt so, so sad and empty.
I always said that my daily trips to SR helped keep my alkie mind in check, I now realise again the debilitating power when my thinking is let loose and not kept in check. I truly don't like the person I become when I get depressed but it can be so hard to think clearly without that feeling of desperation.
Thanks again everybody and I look forward to feeling where I know I can get to again. I am grateful for having SR and for all of the wonderful people here. I always share honestly and I look forward to hopefully helping others in the process...
Peace and Love xxx
I am pleased that I made this post today as I could feel the darkness starting to consume me and all of the happiness and beautiful things I'd experienced in my recovery seeming like a distant memory. I was walking passed a primary school today with all of the children on playtime laughing and playing in the playground and I just felt so, so sad and empty.
I always said that my daily trips to SR helped keep my alkie mind in check, I now realise again the debilitating power when my thinking is let loose and not kept in check. I truly don't like the person I become when I get depressed but it can be so hard to think clearly without that feeling of desperation.
Thanks again everybody and I look forward to feeling where I know I can get to again. I am grateful for having SR and for all of the wonderful people here. I always share honestly and I look forward to hopefully helping others in the process...
Peace and Love xxx
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST
I truly don't like the person I become when I get depressed but it can be so hard to think clearly without that feeling of desperation.
I know what you mean about the depression and fortunately it has been awhile since I've experienced it. Sometimes I came to SR with a bucket full of WTFs in my hand but there were always people here that said, "hey, Untox, lemme see whatcha got there..." And with that each person took one with them and before I knew it my load was lighter and I was happier.
A couple of things that I keep in mind when my depression strikes:
1. I went to hear a fairly highly ranking priest speak and one of the things he said was this: "I pray for all of you but most of all I pray for those of you struggling with depression and addiction for you are on the front lines of a spiritual battle." I feel good knowing that I walk this world as a warrior.
2. I come up with some of my most brilliant and beautiful writing when I am being held by the crushing prison of depression.
Again, so glad you're back man - so glad.
All my best,
Untox
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