starting again
 

Hi guys,

I used to post on this board and started to acomplish realy good progress, after relapsing after 8 months of sobriety, but as some of you are aquinted some horible events happened in my life so I relapsed again and started drinking again, but this time even worse. (I know this is not the excuse, just my addiction finding the way to take control over my life)
I started partying almost every night, drinking heavily, smoking pot (new one in the list of my compulsive obsessive adictive way of coping with life), taking tranquilizers etc...anything that would numb me, make feel nothing, help me avoid reality and run away.
And although I feel hopeless regarding my numerous attempts to live a happy, serene, sober life, I just cannot accept the fact that I will be active alcoholic whole my life, feel this shame and depression and ruin all that can be ruined. :react
And here I am, starting all over again...first day...first babystep.

Hugs to all

Hi Michelle,

There is always hope.

It's really hard to feel the feelings that we've been running from, but it's part of the process of healing and recovery.

I'm glad you're back.

Welcome back!:) Glad you're starting over again. Keep on trying until you 'get it'. I did.:hug:

Glad you're back -- you can do it!

I'm back too. Made it just over 2 months sober, and then gave it all up. Stayed away for about 4 months, and now I am back to give it all I got. We can do this!! Willpower is something that I am lacking, but I get my strength from you all, and I hope you find the strength in this family as well!

:c011:

no amount of willpower will help anyways... we have a mental obsession :/

^dislike. :(

And how do we overcome that mental obsession? It's not like you wake up one morning and flip a switch. You have to have strength and willpower to overcome it.

12 steps... has nothing to do with willpower, for me.

Welcome back Michelle, find some things to do differently this time...we are always here.

I am back too after several failed attempts.I was sober 44 days and had a set back sunday, so I am on day 3 again, but this time I am focusing more on the 44 days I was sober and the way I felt, then the one night I slipped and felt like crap the next day. Maybe I hust needed a reminder that feeling, and I like the sober feeling better.
Hang in there and welcome back

Welcome back Michelle :)

D

I'm not a 12 step guy but for me it's not willpower either.

I have a lot of willpower - my wife will tell you stubborn I am - but it did me no good with alcoholism. I was fighting myself - stalemate.

What did help me was acceptance - acceptance I'm an alcoholic and that acceptance that drinking can no longer a viable option for me.

Action is key. I can do anything but drink, and I made a commitment I'd go to any lengths to honour that idea.

We all have to do the work to find our own way I think, Kristin.

I kept adding things to my recovery programme until I had enough for me to fight those mental obsessions :)

D

Welcome back Michelebelle. I'm glad you are here.

Thanks guys!!!

Here I go...day 2...slowly, step by step, day by day.

:tyou

You might want to consider getting medical assistance
as you have been both drinking and useing drugs.

Welcome back...:wave:

Thanx, dear Carol, for the advice.
In my country, medical assistance for addicted persons is pretty sh!ty and people who are supposed to help you, make more damage than help.
AA and NA are young fellowships, but I can tell they provide more help then some official institutions.
However, I tried AA and NA, met some wonderful people there, learn valuable tools and stayed sober for 8 months.
However it didn't work out well for me.
My main drug of choice is alcohol. I never mixed pills with alcohol and didn't use them often or excessively (maybe it's just denial) and regarding pot, I never used it until now (I am 33) and I used it only few times, but I see the pattern, and truly I am scared where it all lead to. My addiction is getting stronger and more obsessive.
I don't want to sound like I am in denial, but I believe that I am safe if I don't drink.
I know there is lot of issues that I will have to deal with.
However, I found new job. Soon I will be moving out from my parents house and surelly I will try to find some good therapist to help me solve some unresolved issues both from childhood and adulthood.
I am scared of life, of my self, of my illness, but I hope God or Universe or whatever this benevolent force that is looking after us, will lead me through this.

Sending my love and hugs,

Michelebelle

it's Friday evening. I am still working and it is 20:21 at this moment. I am hungry, angry, lonely and tired. My friends are asking me to go out with them tonight and my birthday is on Sunday...
But, I am on my day 3, I don't want to be active alcoholic...in fact, NO, I AM NOT going to be an active alcoholic. Life is hard, it doesn't get better with drinking or using, it just gets worse.
I will go home, eat something nice, drink some tea, watch TV or read something and tomorrow I will be happy just for waking up sober...and it will be another hard day again, but I will have more strength and clarity to find something positive in it...because I will be sober...
Just checking in on my day 3, and just wanted to share something with my friends, on my safe place...

Hugs and have a nice and sober weekend,

MB