BellaTeal

I messed up last night and drank, even after attending 2 AA meetings. I’m pretty sure no amount of AA meetings in the world could have prepared me for what I encountered when I got back to my apartment. A handle of vodka. A box of wine. Half-empty glasses of champagne everywhere. And me, all alone for hours and hours. I got back at 11pm and tried to ignore it as best I could. I really did try. I put towels over it, put it in the fridge and kept it out of my sight but I still couldn’t stop thinking about it. By 5am I just couldn’t take it anymore and drank all I could as fast as I could. I know I should have called the 24 hour hotline but I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore and had already made up my mind. That’s proving to be a very bad place to be because there’s no stopping me once I’ve given up like that. If I was stronger I could have fought it off maybe, but I’ve been fighting every second of every day and I’m so tired of it.
Just seeing the wine on the table 2 nights ago was very hard. Add a ¾ full handle of vodka and it’s game over.

Now I’m right back where I started 5 ½ days ago. I hate this. I’m trying to keep it a slip and nothing more-I’m trying not to let it turn into a “thing” (not sure I can call it a relapse since I wasn’t sober very long). Fact of the matter is, though (AND I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN), I want to drink more than ever now. I’m weak and tired from constantly fighting off urges. I want to drink. I’m about ready to give up and go back to my pathetic alcoholic life. At the same time, I really hope I don’t do that.

I see people slip and get right back up and try again. How come I don’t really want to? How come I kinda just want to keep drinking? Is my character really THAT weak? Ugh.

The good news: I learned a lot these past few days. I learned how to deal with cravings better instead of immediately satisfying them. I learned to avoid even toying with the idea of giving up because once my mind goes there, I ALWAYS end up drinking. I also learned that there’s always tons of support and lots of help available when I try to stop. I’ll definitely keep these things in mind and hopefully figure out how to better utilize them.

But anyway. I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight.

yeahgr8

Nothing changed for me until i got a sponsor and started working the steps of AA (the solution)...no amount of meetings would have kept me sober for long if i had not begun on doing tangible (to me) work that would mean i could have a shot at being like the happy, sober guy i was sitting next to in the meetings and not the tormented, miserable me...

cabledude

Bella, you should have taken my suggestion and gone to a couple of movies.

'...even after going to 2 AA meetings'.

Your head is telling you that sitting in a boring meeting twice should have some payoff, and it does not. Sitting and listening does nothing, nothing rubs off on you from the people who have done what it takes to stay sober. It's a complete waste of your time. I wouldn't recommend it at this point at all.

I saw the new 'True Grit' flick lately, and think you'd probably enjoy it.

If you were willing to call the sober lady who gave you her number before drinking...that's an action, and indicates you're ready to do something to get something. But, it seems you're not to that point yet.

Probably within weeks you'll decide you're willing to go to AA and do a couple of things you're willing to do, but hold back from doing some things you don't want to do. Again, that's a zero and calls instead for a trip to the zoo, or more movies, or a needlepoint project. Down the road, perhaps some years away you'll find yourself willing to say yes and act on the suggestions the sober people have, whatever they are. At that point you're well seasoned and ready to stay sober. It's just a process, nothing unusual happening here.

Until then, maybe get one of those Theatre discount cards.

Dee74

Hi Bella

I drank time and time again too.
I dunno about you but I kinda wanted to quit - but not really.

I worked out later that what I wanted was to control my drinking, not stop it.
I wanted to be a normal drinker - and so every time my roomies left stuff around I would say 'screw it' and drink.

I was scared of not drinking - it seemed so immense.

In the end I kept choosing drinking over all the possible actions I could have done - and I nearly ended up killing myself.

You have a choice here - you can keep on doing the thing over and over - I think we both know where that will end.

Or...you can reach out when you find yourself in trouble - if it's late at night and too late to call someone, post here, chat here, read here.

I spent many nights on SR in the early days.
I'm glad I did.

What ultimately happens to you depends on how much you want it, and how much effort you put into not drinking.

I don't know if you saw my post to you about choices yesterday but for the record, I think of of the first actions you could take is either speak up to your roomates, or reassess your living conditions.

To choose drinking instead is a really bad choice.
D

Rusty Zipper

it's been said,

were done,

when were done digging

good wishes to you bella

SSIL75

That's the sense I'm getting from you, too Bella and I can relate.

When I quit, nothing changed in my environment. There were still half full boxes of wine and half a bottle of vodka in the freezer. My husband makes beer and there was a full keg of it on the counter.

I didn't (and still don't) attend AA.

Nor do I really recommend my method of recovery .

I had reached a point where I realized I was going to be a lot happier if I never drank again. That a 'normal' amount of alcohol was always going to make me feel dissatisfied. And a 'normal for me' amount of alcohol was ruining my life.

I also (like you) find it almost impossible to resist drinking when I have a hangover. It was a herculean effort the few times a year that we have guests here in my house to stay sober that Monday morning (when everyone was gone). I would plan out my morning to stop myself from pouring a drink as soon as I got up. So that's another reason I had to quit. I had made my 'drink only on the weekends' plan unmanageable.

AVRT (rational recovery, you can google) is an awesome tool that I used in the early days. But really for me at least it was about pulling the bar closer to myself and realizing that drinking was just not an option anymore. So every hurdle I faced (and there were many) needed a new solution.

Another subtlety in my mindset that made a huge difference: It stopped being about wanting to quit drinking and started becoming about wanting to live sober. That shift in emphasis was enormous. Fear of being drunk wasn't doing sh*t to keep me sober. But the rewards of sober living had been niggling away at me and were doing their job.

Best of luck to you.

smacked

There's a huge difference between being "interested" versus "committed". The problem with that, is that one means you keep drinking, which will kill you, and the latter means you get healthy. Being "interested" sometimes serves our "I know I have a problem and need to do something about it, sort of.. kind of..", but never gets us well. Our sick heads sometimes play all these 'one more time' 'a little more' games.. it's addiction, and it sucks.

Until you throw yourself into recovery, become committed to doing the work.. you'll always end up with the same end result.

Kmber2010

Thinking of you Bella. I know we spoke yesterday and I am glad to see you are back here.

You have good input in this thread and I hope you use the suggestions provided.

aasharon90

Hi. Im Sharon. I am definitely an Alcoholic.

How do I know that. Well, I tried so many
times to control my drinking that I actually
lost control.

The urges to drink would subside to only
return more forceful than ever. More power-
ful than I could possibly imagine.

The monster inside me wasn't gonna let
me live in peace till it consummed every
ounce of my being. Destroying not only
me but everything and everyone in its
path.

My family stepped in for me seeing how
I lost all control of my life getting me help
I desperately needed some 20 yrs ago.

A 28 day rehab stay recieving the tools and
knowledge of my alcoholism and a 6 week
aftercare program to set me on the path of
recovery.

I was told I wouldnt stay sober. Just another
alcoholic waiting to fail. Of course my ego
wanted to prove them wrong, so I went to
every length following suggestion by many
that have stayed sober before me to stay
sober myself.

ANY LENGTHS.

I went to those meetings and listened
eagerly, intentively to the messages of
hope. Listening to those who stepped
out to see if they could sucessfully drink
again to only return and admit that
alcohol is still kicking butt big time.

It has been those members going out
instead of me to test the waters.

Today Im extremely grateful I have
today to not go out and try control
drinking on my own.

Suggestions are shared by many to
guide me along as I learned to stay sober
myself. It is what has kept me sober
one more day.

Suggestions.

Pick urself up, dust urself off, and
get back on the recovery track as
we all will walk beside you helping
u stay sober and learning to live a
happier, joyful, freer life without
alcohol.

Many will tell you that the Promises
do and will come true if you stay sober.

Your life is not over. It is just beginnning.

FrothyJay

Hey Bella. Sounds like a tough night.

How do you feel about the word powerless? For many people that I know in AA, powerless is simply the notion that once I start drinking, I won't stop until I'm in a blackout. That was my definition of powerless as well, for many years.

Until I came to understand it differently.

Powerless means a complete and total lack of power. Not power-reduced, power-compromised, but power-LESS. And as an alcoholic, it does not mean simply that once I start drinking, I go bananas, it also means that I have no power over the first drink.

But wait. That can't be right. If you're sober before you pick up a drink, you should be able to make the right decision, right?

Actually, no. And here's where AA'ers often disagree. We are told over and over again in meetings that we should just "not pick up the first drink" and "put the plug in the jug." Good advice, but what's imbedded in that idea? Self-control. Self-will. You will control the outcome.

I don't know about you, but everytime I tried to do things on my own, no matter how committed, dedicated and earnest I was-- I always drank again.

And I thought perhaps I was different than the rest of you. That I didn't want it as much, that I was somehow weak.

And then someone said to me, no. You're just a garden variety alcoholic. You don't have any control over the first drink, because you have a mental obsession. And then they showed me where it said that in the AA textbook, and I said, "but I never hear this in meetings! How can it be?"

I was given an incredible moment of clarity the last time I drank-- I was in Toys R Us with my daughters, nursing a horrendous hangover and trying to buy some of their love back. And as I thought about how I was going to try and stop drinking again, what I would do differently, I was suddenly slammed with this idea:

"It's not going to be different next time. It's going to be exactly the same."

It was a moment of grace, I believe. After 11 years of half-hearted sobriety, followed by 2-3 years of relapsing, I took the first step for the first time in the stuffed animal aisle at Toys R Us. I conceded to my inner most self that my situation was hopeless.

This thought was followed quickly by this one:

"Holy crap, I am in trouble."

I immediately started calling my family members and telling on myself-- that I had been drinking again. And then I called my original sponsor, and told him. He dropped me off at a Big Book Step Study group (I believe his quote was, "Maybe these guys can help you. But they are weird.")

I learned that trying to stay sober was futile. I had a lack of power. What I needed to do was find a power that would relieve me of the obsession to drink. And in my desperate "Holy crap, I'm in trouble" state, I was willing to do anything.

I did the steps.

I don't want to drink anymore.

BellaTeal

Yup, you all pretty much hit the nail on the head. Honestly, I'm still ambivalent. I want to stop drinking but I don't want to stop drinking. It's been this way for a very long time and I find it extremely frustrating. I know alcohol has got me by the throat and I'm obviously not willing to do everything I can to recover.

I'm gonna give sobriety another go. I know it probably won't work but I'll try anyway.
Today is day 1.

Rusty Zipper

bella,

suggestion,

dont try this time with any expectations,

just go with it

what we resist, persists

root'n for ya bell!

ste

Yoda in Star Wars said "There is no try, there is do, or do not"

ReadyAndAble

Like they're sayin, you gotta want it, really want it. Imagine what your life could be like if you didn't have to worry about alcohol. Ever. That's what you're working toward. It's not just about moving away from alcohol—it's about moving toward a better life.

Kjell

Maybe you need to live where alcohol isn't in the house.

I had to change my people, places, and things.

I also had to change me or the same me would drink, again...and again, and again....

Maybe this is true with you too?

Kjell

Fandy

5 days of sobriety and coming home to all of that laying around would have made me crazy too.

if you can't remove it from your presence, you'll need to remove yourself to a more stable environment.

I had to change everything to a different routine and i had complete control over bringing booze within my reach...I even changed grocery stores to where there was no liquor store attached....I broke up my free time..thinking it's only 4 hours until bedtime, surely i can last 4 hours and think about how much better i will feel in the AM....

you need to make beneficial changes to get a firm grasp. and you want to be at least interested in stopping, not dancing around in agony, knowing the booze is within your grasp. i hope you feel better and stronger today.

Wharf Rat

I am in agreement with those who said that you may need to change your environment. Thats a start, then perhaps the spirtual change may take place to break that cycle you are in. I should know, because I'm in the cycle too..drink, go to AA, drink, go to AA.

Friday night I almost drank, but went to through hell detoxing and woke up Saturday morning with a new sense of confidence and hope-that the cycle could be broken.

Good luck

FrothyJay

When you've tried and failed, maybe trying is the problem.

This is not a "want it" program.

It's about surrendering.

Recovery is not building obstacles to drinking, it's breaking down obstacles to a power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity.

I can't stress enough: as long as I thought my efforts would stop my drinking, I kept drinking. It's the big lie.

When I redirected my efforts to recovery and sanity, I stopped drinking.