Day 13 from the Pony Farm
Flying Mane
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: DeSoto County, MS
Posts: 28
Day 13 from the Pony Farm
Hi All,
Thanks in part to you in this forum, I have made it to day 13. Yesterday was difficult. I woke up thinking about drinking. It was a unseasonably warm day here in N. Mississippi, almost 70 degrees. I started a day of working outside on our little 5 acre farm and in my little barn, and of trail riding. Thank goodness one of my former students and her mom showed up early at 10 a.m. to ride a horse they are half leasing. Working with the little 9 year old distracted me for awhile. But the obsessions returned again and again throughout the day.
When I started to feel desperate, I suggested to my husband we go down to this fun little driveup hamburger and ice cream joint, hoping some greasy food and sugar would help stop my cravings. Unfortunately, one of the liqour stores I frequent is right next door, but I buy wine from so many stores (to save embarassment about my quantities and frequency), that avoiding them all is impossible.
It helped, but turned to sugar again that night, comforting myself with milk and double stuffed oreos. I like to be fit and in shape, and I worry I'm going to weigh 300 lbs before I can get a year of sobriety, sigh.
I'm not sure why I'm "white knuckling" it so badly. I went to a meeting on Friday, my first in a long time. It was a big book study. About 20 pp showed up, and it was a perfectly ok meeting. I didn't want to take a white chip though. I felt a little depressed about being back there, remembering it was almost 2 years since I sat in that meeting. I thought about all of the crap that happened since then...I got arrested for public drunk when I argued with my husband at a bar (and went to jail because I cussed the cops something special), I passed out on my bar stool one night last year and struck my head on a knob-I have a large scar on my forehead now. As I was in the meeting, I just felt like crap that here I was, trying this again. It didn't help before, why would it help now? Those were my thoughts. I did get a bit of inspiration from a sweet older man who went up and got his 5 year chip. A woman (who looked like she was drunk) said, "How did you do it?". He just smiled and said, "One day at a time."
I know I need to stay positive. My husband, who happens to be a psychotherapist, thinks I'm having a hard time because I'm letting myself think about drinking so much, and I'm romanticizing it again. I told him I don't WANT to stop really. I like to drink. I know I SHOULD stop, but that doesn't keep me from not wanting to. I WANT to just enjoy it like other people do...
and it makes me so mad and frustrated that I can't. Sigh.
Right now the movie "The Lost Weekend" is on TV. In the first scenes, the alcoholic is trying to outsmart his brother, who is attempting to get him to go away to the country for the weekend. He's packing, and tries to sneak a bottle into a bag-one that he had on a string, hanging outside his window.
After he gets his brother out of the apartment, he searches in all of his hiding spaces for a bottle he might have forgotten. This movie was filmed in 1945, yet I recognize this man's behavior as my own-so many times. Under the bed, in the hamper, in spare purses stored in my closet, those were just a few of my hiding places.
I do feel good about having gotten this far. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (i'm BP) this coming week. I really like this doctor, and I respect her. I would very much like to go into see her and have good news, not the same old bad news. I found a person to swim laps with me at the gym, and we are supposed to start this Tuesday evening. If I were drinking, I'm sure I would cancel. I've been spending more time with my grandson, and I've also texted my "success daily count" to my daughter nearly every day. I would like her to be proud of me and see me sober. My husband has told me over and over he wants me to stop drinking. I worry him so much when I am drinking. I don't want him to be sad and worried. I'm behind on my taxes and have a huge box of receipts from my business to organize. When I'm drinking, I do that instead of my work. So I have lots of reasons not to drink. And yet I still want to.....oh, I do want to be free of this obsession.
Thanks in part to you in this forum, I have made it to day 13. Yesterday was difficult. I woke up thinking about drinking. It was a unseasonably warm day here in N. Mississippi, almost 70 degrees. I started a day of working outside on our little 5 acre farm and in my little barn, and of trail riding. Thank goodness one of my former students and her mom showed up early at 10 a.m. to ride a horse they are half leasing. Working with the little 9 year old distracted me for awhile. But the obsessions returned again and again throughout the day.
When I started to feel desperate, I suggested to my husband we go down to this fun little driveup hamburger and ice cream joint, hoping some greasy food and sugar would help stop my cravings. Unfortunately, one of the liqour stores I frequent is right next door, but I buy wine from so many stores (to save embarassment about my quantities and frequency), that avoiding them all is impossible.
It helped, but turned to sugar again that night, comforting myself with milk and double stuffed oreos. I like to be fit and in shape, and I worry I'm going to weigh 300 lbs before I can get a year of sobriety, sigh.
I'm not sure why I'm "white knuckling" it so badly. I went to a meeting on Friday, my first in a long time. It was a big book study. About 20 pp showed up, and it was a perfectly ok meeting. I didn't want to take a white chip though. I felt a little depressed about being back there, remembering it was almost 2 years since I sat in that meeting. I thought about all of the crap that happened since then...I got arrested for public drunk when I argued with my husband at a bar (and went to jail because I cussed the cops something special), I passed out on my bar stool one night last year and struck my head on a knob-I have a large scar on my forehead now. As I was in the meeting, I just felt like crap that here I was, trying this again. It didn't help before, why would it help now? Those were my thoughts. I did get a bit of inspiration from a sweet older man who went up and got his 5 year chip. A woman (who looked like she was drunk) said, "How did you do it?". He just smiled and said, "One day at a time."
I know I need to stay positive. My husband, who happens to be a psychotherapist, thinks I'm having a hard time because I'm letting myself think about drinking so much, and I'm romanticizing it again. I told him I don't WANT to stop really. I like to drink. I know I SHOULD stop, but that doesn't keep me from not wanting to. I WANT to just enjoy it like other people do...
and it makes me so mad and frustrated that I can't. Sigh.
Right now the movie "The Lost Weekend" is on TV. In the first scenes, the alcoholic is trying to outsmart his brother, who is attempting to get him to go away to the country for the weekend. He's packing, and tries to sneak a bottle into a bag-one that he had on a string, hanging outside his window.
After he gets his brother out of the apartment, he searches in all of his hiding spaces for a bottle he might have forgotten. This movie was filmed in 1945, yet I recognize this man's behavior as my own-so many times. Under the bed, in the hamper, in spare purses stored in my closet, those were just a few of my hiding places.
I do feel good about having gotten this far. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (i'm BP) this coming week. I really like this doctor, and I respect her. I would very much like to go into see her and have good news, not the same old bad news. I found a person to swim laps with me at the gym, and we are supposed to start this Tuesday evening. If I were drinking, I'm sure I would cancel. I've been spending more time with my grandson, and I've also texted my "success daily count" to my daughter nearly every day. I would like her to be proud of me and see me sober. My husband has told me over and over he wants me to stop drinking. I worry him so much when I am drinking. I don't want him to be sad and worried. I'm behind on my taxes and have a huge box of receipts from my business to organize. When I'm drinking, I do that instead of my work. So I have lots of reasons not to drink. And yet I still want to.....oh, I do want to be free of this obsession.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Go to another meeting and pick up that white chip. Seriously.
And you're right about the obsession--that is what keeps us enslaved by this thing. Read the BB again.
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been charaterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Big Book, First Edition.
The only way to recover is to quit fighting it. Surrender. Give up. Sounds to me like your life got pretty unmanageable, what with getting arrested and all. Once you accept those concepts, you are on your way.
And you're right about the obsession--that is what keeps us enslaved by this thing. Read the BB again.
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been charaterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." Big Book, First Edition.
The only way to recover is to quit fighting it. Surrender. Give up. Sounds to me like your life got pretty unmanageable, what with getting arrested and all. Once you accept those concepts, you are on your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 48
Congratulations on day 13! It's not easy in the beginning is it? But you have to want to stop - you can't really do this for anybody else and you deserve to live a fantastic life! I am only on day 34 but I'm truly fascinated by life -I find myself going for walks and looking at people in the eyes, like really looking at people and my surroundings; and engaging in what's going on around me. And, in situations where I'd normally be drinking, I find it so interesting to be there sober. And what it's like to walk down the wine aisle in the supermarket but with my back turned away because I'm there buying sparkling water. It's the little things, connected together that show me that I'm slowly making changes.
We know what it's like to be drunk, but how about giving what it's like to be sober a chance?
Good luck at your appointment with your psychiastrist - I hope that helps!
We know what it's like to be drunk, but how about giving what it's like to be sober a chance?
Good luck at your appointment with your psychiastrist - I hope that helps!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I found that between four to six months I no longer wanted to drink. The obsession was gone.
But I'd started expressing gratitude every day as something to fill the hole in my soul that drinking used to fill. It helped me so much. Just by being grateful I found more to be grateful for. The more blessings I counted, the more blessings I could think of to count. And it relieved me of the desire to drink.
Congrats on nearly two weeks sober.
Keep on keepin' on and don't look back. I wish you success in sobriety. It really is worth the effort.
But I'd started expressing gratitude every day as something to fill the hole in my soul that drinking used to fill. It helped me so much. Just by being grateful I found more to be grateful for. The more blessings I counted, the more blessings I could think of to count. And it relieved me of the desire to drink. Congrats on nearly two weeks sober.
Keep on keepin' on and don't look back. I wish you success in sobriety. It really is worth the effort. Flying Mane
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: DeSoto County, MS
Posts: 28
Thanks guys. Lexie I will revisit these words of yours. You're right I am still fighting it. I don't want to, and yet I am. Part of me feels like a spoiled angry little girl, stamping my foot and demanding what I want...saying, "Its no fair!" Surrender. Give up. Stop fighting.
That's what I needed to hear.
Sigh it will be hard to take a white chip. It's hard to think of getting my hopes up again about this. I plan on going to that meeting again tomorrow at noon. I will seriously consider what you said Lexie.
Ok now the guy in the movie "The Lost Weekend" is about to shoot himself. Guess his drinking isn't going to work out too well. I consider movies like this and "Intervention" to be pretty good therapy! Love you guys!
That's what I needed to hear.
Sigh it will be hard to take a white chip. It's hard to think of getting my hopes up again about this. I plan on going to that meeting again tomorrow at noon. I will seriously consider what you said Lexie.
Ok now the guy in the movie "The Lost Weekend" is about to shoot himself. Guess his drinking isn't going to work out too well. I consider movies like this and "Intervention" to be pretty good therapy! Love you guys!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I can relate so much to your post (and feelings)...... I didn't want to stop drinking either, but didn't want it to get any worse. It was either 1)stop while I'm ahead or 2)wait until it tore my life apart. Hmm.....
I felt like I was holding on by a thread at first. It was constantly in my thoughts. Of course, it was already an obsession/addiction, but stopping the behavior made the mental part even worse for a while. It's like when you decide to diet - you think even more about that chocolate cake.
Please know that it will get better (slowly but surely). Each time you get through another urge, you'll be a little bit stronger. It takes time, so be patient with yourself and don't worry about the double-stuff oreos right now - really!
If you hang in there, the mental obsession WILL go away!!!! After a few months, being sober seemed normal. Remeber, your brain needs to adjust to making it's own dopomine again. You're still in the early part of the process.:ghug3
I felt like I was holding on by a thread at first. It was constantly in my thoughts. Of course, it was already an obsession/addiction, but stopping the behavior made the mental part even worse for a while. It's like when you decide to diet - you think even more about that chocolate cake.
Please know that it will get better (slowly but surely). Each time you get through another urge, you'll be a little bit stronger. It takes time, so be patient with yourself and don't worry about the double-stuff oreos right now - really!
If you hang in there, the mental obsession WILL go away!!!! After a few months, being sober seemed normal. Remeber, your brain needs to adjust to making it's own dopomine again. You're still in the early part of the process.:ghug3
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