shameless0109

I am new to this all and am trying to stop drinking and recover. however my girlfriend knows about me and wants to help but still drinks with her friends and go out sometimes? is this possible with me in recovery? HELP!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

If your girlfriend drinks and goes out with friends, that's fine. Your recovery is about you and how you want to live your life. Your girlfriend doesn't likely understand how difficult it is for an alcoholic and that's why it's it's good to come here and get support. Do whatever you need to do to stop drinking.

whatisit

I don't know anything about recovery, but i can say something about possibility. It is not possible for a circle to be non-circular. Propositions with the form "A is not A" are false. Everything else is possible. Propositions like "Person A in recovery can be happy with person B who still drinks" is most certainly within the realm of possibility.

Your question is not really about possibility, but rather about the probability of the situation working out in a way that you think will be good.

I don't know anything about the second question.

tomw

I guess it's possible but it would be helpful if your girl-friend did not drink. As you work your way through recovery you'll probably or should be seeking non-drinking friends. If she drinks around you, she's not helping at all

Mark75

Only you know if it's possible... for some it is.

My wife still drinks, just one at the end of the night. It was a little tough at first, well, it sucked at first... but now I don't hardly notice. It's my issue not hers. We've been married a long time.

If you want to stay with that girl, you must work on getting recovered. It should not matter to you if she wants to go out occasionally and have a drink or two... perhaps she can hold off on drinking around you for a while... but ultimately, this is about you, not her.

Welcome to SR!!

FrothyJay

As you can see from the responses already, advice is easy to find on SoberRecovery. You'll get lots of it, and probably no real clear answer. Truth is, none of us are really qualified to tell you what your girlfriend should or shouldn't do. Every situation is different, and your girlfriend is entitled to live her own life.

All of this is secondary to the key issue--- are you an alcoholic, and do you want to recover? And do you know what it takes to recover? Because it's more than just not drinking.

I recovered in a no-nonsense, solution-based fellowship where members do not share their problems in meetings. They talk about the solution to alcoholism.

If you want help with that, feel free to reach out.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome,

Mark is right. She isn't the one with the drinking problem, YOU are. It would be considerate for her to not drink in front of you right in the very beginning, but no way should she have to give up her outings with her friends.

Once you are on solid ground, this won't bother you.

Do you have a support system in place? Have you considered AA? It works great for me.

flutter

I think it depends on (as it all does with your recovery), you. What are YOU ok with, and not ok with? There's no 'shoulds' or 'shouldn'ts' with this stuff when it comes to something as complex as alcoholism/interpersonal relationships, there's no linear and guaranteed results, not even expected results with all of that in the mix.

Are you ok dating someone who drinks? It's ok to be ok with it.. it's ok not to be.

In the end, it's your recovery..

My experience (for what it's worth); My husband quit drinking for quite some time when I did. He could care less, as he's not an alcoholic, and didn't see 'not drinking' as significant to his life. Over time, he'd have the odd beer here and there at dinner, and sometimes will stop after work for a beer. Yes, A beer.. I don't get it.. he doesn't get my issues.. and we've made it work

Now.. I couldn't be with someone/live with someone that drank frequently or at large volumes. Not that it'd cause me to drink, I just wouldn't want to. But that's just me!

Toronto68

Shameless, it would be supportive of her if she didn't drink or made a point of not having any around you. But I wouldn't say it would be the end of the world for you if she went out on girls' night. If you live together, you could just be prepared for her smelling like alcohol once she got back. Some people are OK with it, but I would probably not want to kiss and snuggle up with somebody who had been drinking. (Well, at least I say that now, ha ha.)

This is an example of the kinds of things we expect other people to be sensitive about when we stop drinking. Some people really ARE ignoramuses about the feelings of others and do little to help, but sometimes the newbie just has to get used to the idea that it is his/her own challenge to work through. If you are willing to see it as a balance of efforts and a learning process, then I think that would be good.

If she called up mid-party and said to come on out, THAT would be ludicrous and unsupportive on her part. I have had someone do that with me, and I hung up that friendship, probably for good.

I don't know you, but there might be a piece to this that involves envy over the ability to go out and indulge. That happens to a lot of people. If you think that is the case for you, then I would say you should look inside for other signs of not accepting the difference between you and others; between your condition and theirs; between your journey and theirs. Inside of that, resentment can exist, and this is something I have been learning about for about a year. It's one of the things that made alcoholism maintain strength in me. I think working toward elimination of resentment is probably an important thing for most alcoholics to do.

CarolD

Welcome....

I had to make my recovery first in all situations
This included many positive changes
When I did not...I returned to drinking...

I found an AA group of mostly singles..we did all sorts of
interesting things outside of meetings. and we stayed sober.

Please keep in touch..let us know how you are doing

artsoul

Welcome shameless - It's harder in the beginning.... I had some resentments toward people who could drink "normally" at first, but after a while it didn't bother me. So I think if you talked things over with your girlfriend (considering she wants to be helpful), it might help. It's nice just to have the support of people who care about us.

Speaking of support, you'll find lots of it here. We understand what it's like and I hope keep posting and reading. I never thought I'd get sober (much less be glad about it!) - but life really is better without alcohol.

marni

Hi and welcome flutter to SR
Lots of support and wisdom here stick around and read the other threads and posts.
ultimately it is up to you to plan your own journey and find the recovery tools that work best for you.
Have you considered face to face support such as AA?

Though no-one can go back and make a new start,
anyone can start from now and make a new ending.
Carl Bard.

Peter G

I used to worry about my wife drinking/partying with friends early in my sobriety. Even took it personal at first, like a slap in my face and a complete lack of respect for my problem. Then I realized something. As alcoholics, we don't get any free passes from the world around us, we still have to live life on life's terms. Trying to create buffer zones between us and life can be a mistake. We will constantly be in contact with friends, relatives, colleagues, coworkers, girlfriends (or boyfriends) that drink - some will drink to excess.

One massive part of coping with this cursed illness is in learning techniques and tools to help us remain ever prepared and vigilant when triggers come up. For some people, having a spouse or S O that drinks can certainly be a trigger. If it bothers you, arm yourself with a good recovery program, and eventually it won't make one bit of difference. In fact for me now, I quietly feel proud of myself when my wife gets a little off her face and I'm the sober one. At first it felt like an episode of The Twilight Zone, but now it feels good, a kind of reminder that not so terribly long ago she would have to stay sober to deal with whatever hell I was on my way to creating. At least now I know she trusts my sobriety enough to not walk on egg shells around me.

Remember, you can't ever expect to control what others do, that is their own made bed. All you can do is remain sober above all, and work your recovery all day, every day.

My 0.02

marni

In fact for me now, I quietly feel proud of myself when my wife gets a little off her face and I'm the sober one. At first it felt like an episode of The Twilight Zone, but now it feels good, a kind of reminder that not so terribly long ago she would have to stay sober to deal with whatever hell I was on my way to creating. At least now I know she trusts my sobriety enough to not walk on egg shells around me.

Thanks for posting this l wouldn' have known how to put it into words but
that's exactly whats happened in my marriage and you know, it really is a wonderful feeling to have!

in order to change we must be
sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Author unknown