reggiewayne

I was at a meeting today to see a fellow member get a start over token after 100 days of sobriety. She threw it all away for two bottles of wine. After the meeting I asked her, "Was it worth it"? Her answer.... "NO!" Other people (including me) started sharing our expieriences with relapse and everyone agreed it was a terrible decision and how we all regretted it.

I then started wondering if anyone has ever NOT regretted it? Every single time I relapse I immediately regret it then promptly pour enough booze on the regret to make the regret stop and the madness to begin.

If that isn't "A Power Greater Than Ourselves" I don't know what is. I find it so interesting how people have such a problem with accepting a power greater than themselves at the exact same time they are being dominated by a power called alcohol.

That sums up our disease so perfectly. It's so mean, spiteful, tricky, and dishonest. It burns the candle from both ends. On one end, it tells us "WE need a drink, you've worked so hard, you deserve one, it will be different this time, you can control it, look at everyone else - they are drinking why aren't you"... Then, once we give into the mental obsession it tells us "look how weak you are, you're a loser, all you are good for is drinking, look at those other people - they aren't drinking, why do you have to"...

It calls us a sissy for not drinking, then it calls us a monster once we do.

I find relapse to be one of dumbest things I COULD EVER DO. All the pain it has caused me and my family, the loss of self dignity, the loss of friends, the chances it made me take, etc.... The fact that we get a clear head on us for the first time in years and then revert back to the very thing that took us to the brink is maddening.

I honestly don't know of any other condition that humans have that is as baffling as alcoholism and drug addiction.

I am so grateful to be sober today. Let's all stay on this thing ONE DAY AT A TIME. Life has sooo much to offer. Love, trust, faith, laughs are all possible if we are sober. Booze offers self hate, fear, fear and more fear, isolation, hate, and overall resentment towards our self and others.

Today, I am not afraid. Fear can go **** itself!!!!. I have lived scared my entire drinking career.

This post was kind of a rant - thanks for listening. Let's all just plan on going to bed sober tonight - Deal? If anyone that reads this is contemplating drinking tonight, please don't. I promise you will not regret not drinking tomorrow. Hang in there, one day at a time!!!!!

Stevie1

Awesome.

nogard

Sounds like a good lesson

johndelko408

I honestly can't say that I regret my last relapse. I was doubting that I was even an alcoholic and I had 3 months sober. I was so sure that I could moderate my drinking and drink responsibly. I truly needed that last relapse to actually realize and believe that I infact am an alcoholic. Remember to it says in the promises "we shall not regret our past, nor wish to shut the door on it." Sometimes we need those relapses to realize that it still doesn't work out there and that we will always be alcoholics. It was for me anyways.

reggiewayne

Well said John! I am starting to get to that point where I don't regret the past. It's so freeing to be at that place. I guess my point was once we truly know and accept that we are alcoholic and have started a program of recovery, relapse is a dangerous place that some never make it back from...

MsCooterBrown

I then started wondering if anyone has ever NOT regretted it? Every single time I relapse I immediately regret it then promptly pour enough booze on the regret to make the regret stop and the madness to begin.

I do think if you are one of the luck ones that DO realize you cannot control it after a relapse and get back on the path to sobriety-then it is a stepping stone to lasting sobriety. You tried..you didn't stop at one or two..you know you can't now. I also think the reason people go @peshit with downing drink after drink is not only because of guilt..it is that they think I already blew it..may as well keep drinking. I lost a dear friend that had gone to rehab..he really struggled. He died 2 weeks before his 53rd birthday. Choked to death after he had passed out. THAT is tragic. The people that don't get it..they just can't drink- but they do! And they die.

simplyfab

Thank you so much for this post Reggiewayne...

I wanted to drink sooo badly a while ago. More than I've ever wanted in the 3 months that I've been sober.
I'm not gonna go into detail why, but
the want was so strong that I was crying my eyes out. I had to go into the room and scream into a pillow.
I wanted to throw things across the room, I wanted to hit something. I didn't know what to do!!
I jumped in the shower to keep me from grabbing the keys and I cried some more. I didn't come out until I was feeling a little better and had a clearer head.
I still wanted to, but now I was calm.
I got on the computer to get some online therapy and came across your post.
It was the only one that sparked my interest because of the heading. "Relapse"
I almost clicked off of it, but kept on reading.
I'm so happy I did.
I knew whatever I was feeling, had I gone to the liquor store, I would've hated myself in the next 3 days! (I binge drink and would've kept going)
I've giving alcohol power over me and the decisions I make for too long. I'm stronger than that! My mind is stronger than that!
So I decided to do my hair and give myself a fresh new color of bright red toes!!

Thank you again...
I was contempating, and your "please don't" stopped me!!
No relapse here!!!

newby1961

That is what is so cool about SR, we never know when we share from the heart, what other's may need to hear? Congrats simplyfab for making it through another day sober. I have had a few screaming in my pillow nights, very theraputic lol. Relapse is so scary because we never know when that door won't swing both ways? I spent years in & out and its cause I still wanted to drink, I just didn't want the conseqences. Till I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, nothing changed. It sounds so easy when I think of it that way, but as we all know oh to well, it was, and is, the hardest thing I have ever done. Keep the Faith all

Peter G

@Reggie, you are SO right. This is the one thing I noticed about people adverse to the AA program. I've said exactly what you're saying a few times on this forum already. Some people are so aghast that they are asked to buy into a God concept, or that they should have to feel powerless over something great but elusive - yet they spent their lives being led by their higher power to the "cathedrals" (bars, liquor stores), then practicing the necessary rituals (tilting back the bottle, feeling relief), then in turn suffering for the God of their understanding (hangover, withdrawal), remaining ever faithful servants. It boggles the mind.

John, you've just put in words exactly what finally allowed me to get sober. My last relapse was the thing that showed me how hopeless and pathetic I was when it came to booze. For me, I drank myself into the ER and almost died, and during that bender I caused so much pain and agony to the people I cared about. Something I'd done at least 600 000 times before. This summoned every strength I had to promise myself I would never drink again, no matter what. Funny that only a week or so later, still feeling sick and still withdrawing, I relapsed and was drinking myself to death again. That last relapse showed me that my promises meant absolutely nothing, and my efforts to stop drinking were destined to be useless. That last relapse showed me that controlling anything where booze was concerned was a self delusion. It showed me that regardless of how I felt about booze and my actions, I was going to drink again until I accepted that I was powerless over the damned bottle and that I truly needed help to beat it.

Up until that point I had thought I drank myself into oblivion because life sucked so bad, because I didn't get what I wanted, or because people were rotten and I wanted no part of them. Screwing up again, after having made myself so sick I could have died showed me that no outside circumstances led to my drinking - it was simply my illness and I couldn't ever expect to stop myself. It became crystal clear that I had better get help because "on my own" was not an option. Had I not been shown the nature of my disease by relapsing the last time, I'd likely still be blaming my horrid existence on other people and circumstances, and I'd still be drinking.

I guess that is what the AA folks mean when they talk about having to reach your bottom. I used to think the bottom was a place - as in - when I end up in a hospital about to die, when I kill someone in a drunken brawl, or when I'm homeless living under a bridge, that's bottom. It's not. Bottom is when you finally see through the lies you tell yourself, when you come to a realization that you are useless over booze - and it scares you into asking anything and anyone to help dig you out from your own personal hell on earth.

NoelleR

Before I get into my response to the OP’s question, please, plz, plz, if there are any newcomers, especially those who believe there are underlying issues that need to be dealt with to attain, and maintain, sobriety, let me just say, please don’t take what I’m about to say as an excuse for you to go out and drink. Remember, these are my own opinions based on my own observations of my recovery and others with whom I’ve grown close to over my time on this journey.

OK, here we go; most of the folks that I’ve known who ‘drank/used over underlying issues’ were not alcoholics in the first place; they were just non-alcoholics in stressfull situations who ran and hid in the bottle for a time. Anybody who saw those folks during this time would think these folks were alcoholics, by their behaviors. However, after a time, when they had worked on/thru their ‘issues’ well, their bodies were no longer dependent on alcohol, and they could then drink like ‘normal folks’/’non-alcoholics’ drink............cause that’s what they were/are (non-alcoholics acting like alcoholics for a time.

So.....just like everybody else on here, I guess I could list all (?) of the reasons I drank; paragraph and paragraph; page after page; ad infinitim........BUT, I think I’ll just restate what FrothJay stated so perfectly here a bit ago.....:

“...I drank because I am an alcoholic...”

Of course there’s always the ‘original’ direct from the Founders of AA, directly from the BB (I think I’ll stick with one)...............:

“...Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one...” (page 5; AA BB, first edition)


(o:
NoelleR

SSIL75

I'll offer my perspective on this as someone who is not into AA. I don't think my alcoholism is a 'power greater than myself'. I really believe in the biochemical aspects of the disease. I chose the high of the drug over the perceived mundanity of my life. Life without alcohol seemed SO impossibly dull to me. I would roll my eyes at people who seemed happy with their scrapbooking nights. People who talked about settling down with a nice cup of tea and a good book. LAME I would think. That is SO FREAKING LAME. I just really thought that life without alcohol would be, well, lame .

Let's say you were having trouble with your leg. Wouldn't you fight tooth and nail to fix the problem with your leg before amputating it? That's why I (believe) I fought so long to control my drinking. Because just aborting it felt like such a HUGE sacrifice. I figured there had to be a way to make it work. What would I do if I couldn't drink ever again? What kind of life would that be?

I guess this is why people talk about thinking problems vs. drinking problems

Anyway I don't think I'm doing a good job of explaining this but I still don't think of my alcoholism as being a 'power' greater than me. I think it was all under my control. I believe I chose to drink. Not ignoring the biochemical urges in place, of course.

In recovery I've now had the clarity to see that for me, alcohol is more analogous to a tumor than a limb.

RW - my heart sank when I saw your subject line. So happy to read your post

flutter

I think sometimes people say they don't regret their last relapse because they view it specifically as the catalyst that threw their but back into the recovery process. I think we're very good at rationalizing a lot of the choices we make when it comes to drinking.. we're pros at that stuff, and probably even so after some sober time and drinking again.

I *could* say I don't regret my last time drinking, as it did serve as the kick in the ass I needed to finally get and stay sober, but I do regret it.. it was stupid, dangerous, and could have killed me. I didn't need it to throw me into recovery. I'm not proud or thankful of it. I'm thankful for my recovery, and I have respect for the insanity I was playing with while active.

Kmber2010

Thx for sharing Reggie!!

BoozeFree

Great post. I regretted my relapses after they happened but now thinking about them, I also learned something from them. I def hated myself more than anything after them and after drinking that first night I was sucked right back into my old cycle and just thankful to be sober again.

reggiewayne

WOW SIMPLY FAB! Great job!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been in your shoes many times and sometimes I have made it through without drinking and sometimes I haven't. I'm so proud of you for not giving into the craving. I know how strong they can be. I know how overwhelming not drinking can be. If we just take it one day at a time and know there will be tough times, that's really all we can do. I'm glad my post helped you. God knows how many posts here have helped me. Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hooped

I'm only on day 25 and seem to be walking on eggshells today as far as wanting a drink.

Like you said.. picking up a drink right now would be the DUMBEST THING I COULD POSSIBLY DO.

Went to a noon meeting. That,, and reading posts like this one are getting me through this day. I just have to stop and breathe. Might hit another meeting tonight.

Thanks for the post Reggie.

reggiewayne

You did do a good job of explaining. I agree. To me, drinking (at first) meant fun times, crazy stories, girls, fun, excitement, etc... To not want to be a part of that was lame. After many years all of those things went away and ultimately I was left with isolation and alcoholism.

My overall point was once we have truly accepted and understand we are alcoholic and we can not drink normally ever again relapse is a scary place. This is my who knows how many times trying to quit and I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever truly accepted and understand I am an alcoholic. The obsession to drink like others dominated me for so long. It has lead me to countless attempts at controlled drinking. The longer I'm sober the more I can look back on my drinking days and see them for how dangerous, scary, and lonely there really were. To think of throwing what I have going on now for that life just doesn't seem to make sense.

Thanks for all of the responses. I need you guys much more than you need me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LosingmyMisery

Yep, I regretted drinking after short spurts of sobriety. I relapsed twice in early recovery. The truth of the matter was, I wasn't trying very hard to get sober. I wanted it, but didn't really want to work at it. I wanted it to just happen. It doesn't work that way and I know that now, but then I was always looking for the easier softer way.

With each relapse I realized I had to put forth more effort. My last (and final) relapse was the big daddy relapse I needed to get it through my head that alcoholism is much bigger than I am. I needed to arm myself with every tool I could gather. If not, I would die.

I alone can not out smart, out wit, or beat alcoholism without newfound knowledge, wisdom, and skills. This all takes great efforts and time. Most importantly, I must not pick up that first drink. If I respect the fact that sobriety is taken one day at a time and I must never doubt the facts, I can not drink, ever. If I do, I will surely be taken down a path of fear, chaos, pain and agony. That is if I'm lucky enough to survive. I know what is waiting for me if I were to drink. It will always be waiting for me. That I know will never change no matter how much time passes between now and my last drink. I have fought hard to get to where I am today. I'm not going backward, only forward and I do it without booze.

With all that, I never would have come to this realization if I hadn't of tested the waters one last time. The scary truth is that is what lead me to sobriety. I don't recommend others "test" the waters. They say relapse doesn't have to be a part of recovery. Once I got "serious" I haven't wanted or had a drink since.

reggiewayne

Funny how you mention that. I am in a workshop once a week and we're going to read the first 164 pages word by word. We read some of the Dr.'s opinion last week and what you posted stood out to me unlike it ever had.

I had always thought that my drinking was somewhat a result of the fact that I didn't handle people, places, and things very well. It was my "escape" from reality, or my "pause button" for life. Although that is true to some degree, the main reason I drank was for the exact reason you mentioned. I love the feeling that booze gave me. The problem was is that through time my body got more and more tolerant to alcohol that the feelings I was looking for became scarce. Sometimes I'd drink an entire bottle and not feel that euphoria that I used to get after just 5 beers when I was younger.

Metal obsession followed by a physical craving. Round and round it goes. I'm glad I am no longer living in that self created misery anymore!!!

Thanks for posting that!

LaFemme

Personally...I am terrified of the concept of relapse. I don't think about it actively for that reason. I think of all I would loose if I were to drink again...and I can't think of a single reason to drink.

I almost didn't click on this thread because I was scared it was going to be about something else...so glad its not