Aysha

I am sorry if posting another thread is a little much. Especially considering the other one.

But I see a very familiar pattern going on here.

If I havent learned anything else in my many attempts at recovery. I have learned to see the obvious.

My thinking and behavior that lead me right back to where I dont want to be.

Sometimes I am very arrogant and very outspoken.
And those things take me right back to using.
I have no desire to use as of right now. But I am fresh out in the world again.

I got alot swirling in my mind. And none of it has to do with anything I have already laid to rest. Which is most everything in the past.

But like it or not, I am facing it all the time. The past. When I apply to a job. When I know people are eye balling me not sure of what I may do. Because lets face it. My track record isnt too good.
I am a good person. I know this. I wouldnt have gotten this far if I wasnt.
I have a mean streak like anyone. Maybe mine can be a little extreme at times. But I am aware of it.
It is something I do try to work on.
Like most addicts. I have 2 personalities.
The one that wants to do good andf the one that just says F it.
Maybe theres a 3rd when I say..I am who I am and if you dont like...Well you know what you can do.
And thats the one that yells GET HIGH!!

I see some thinking from a couple years ago when I felt like I just had to make a point.
You know..But in all reality. It doesnt matter.
What matters is what am I going to do about it.
Whats done is done. I cant take anything back. I cant help how I feel about certain things. But I can do something about not letting it take over.

I feel like since I got home people are just a little too concerned with MY well being. Its always been like that with me. Do wrong and everyone kisses my ass.
Why is that?
Who has a welcome home party for someone getting out of jail for a violent crime?
I get so confused.
I have never had to feel the pain of real loss in my addiction. And it scares me that maybe thats the only thing thats going to make me get it. Either that or I wont come back from and totally let go of any hope.
I went back to work today. My boss. The same one who has saved my job countless times because I just disappear and dont call or show up because I am getting high. He dont know that. But he has to know it isnt normal. Three different places I have worked with this guy. He saved my job 4 times at the 1st place. Got me a good job at the next place and I didnt even show up on the big opening of the brand new place. After he stuck his neck out and looked the other way when my background came back and still gave me the responsibility of having the combination to the safe that help at least 25k in cash. And now in yet another place he is giving a second chance after seeing me on the news. He dont even want an explanation. He just says I know we are friends and wee go way back.
True I am an above average worker. Not trying to sound arrogant. But its true. I take alot of pride in anything I do. I make it a point to go above and beyond expectation. Thats me all the time when I am not using. Its just that dam drug use that messes me up and turns me into this whole other person.

So..Why do I keep getting these chances?
I dont know if its a good or bad thing anymore.

I really feel like a basket case right now.
I have people being nosey and pretending to be concerned asking questions about everything beside what they really want to know.
One thing I have never been is fake.
Do I be this person that doesnt care what people think of me or do I play to peoples liking?
Should I have to hide what I think and bite my tongue just so others can feel comfortable?
I am me. Far from perfect. But very honest and open. Take me or leave me.
But I am beginning to think that may be a bad thing. When I use to think that was one of my best qualities.
I'm def hitting a meeting tomorrow night.
Sorry for ranting. But you know how it goes.
And unfortunately for you guys. This is where I can go and feel like I dont have to hold back.
ANyway. I have been here vefore That second guessing and insecurity. It never turns out good. But its never too late to change that.

kilt

Here is a nutty idea. Maybe you have bad luck. You are into Asian culture, I think, and they totally believe in the idea of bad luck. Ever wonder why some people seem to have everything fall in their laps while others get attacked by wandering mobs of cats? Every chance you get you either screw or get screwed. Great that you get the second (third, sixth, whatever) chances but you keep getting smacked to the ground, either by your hand or others.

Maybe there is something deep inside of you that wants to hurt yourself. There was this guy, name escapes me, who went into the woods and died of starvation. Someone wrote that it wasn't starvation. They said it was murder because he intentionally put himself in a really dangerous situation knowing the failure rate was high and offed himself. Maybe he didn't use a gun, but he offed himself just as assuredly as if he did.

Without knowing you and only reading your posts, you remind me of that guy. The only person standing between you and some kick ass success is you. You are being your own bad luck. Burn some incense. Light a candle. Maybe chant or whatever, but you need to excise the bad luck out of you. One poster recently wrote "The same man will drink again". I thought that was stupid at first but as I have thought about it I finally got it. It means that if we don't change who we are we will keep making the same mistakes. You maybe have to change your life in a big way, relocate, change your name, get away from whatever is making you do this stuff.

Oh and here is the cheerleader supportive part, WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU.

julez

Trish, we ARE rooting for you. And I get it that life sucks sometimes, and people are fake sometimes. We all deal with that sh*t.
It doesn't matter that people are throwing you parties, and asking you questions. Thats all outside stuff that you can't control. Emotions are all over the place, the personality thing, where you have 2 and maybe 3 different perspectives all the time, doesn't matter either. Write down, on paper, what the RIGHT thing is. Wait til you are in the frame of mind that you are optimistic about your future, and you want to show everyone you can do it. Write it down, and when your addict voice tries to tell you something, read what you've written. Remember where you've been. And keep in mind where you want to go.
We are all wishing you the very best.
xoxo

least

I really really hope you don't ever go back to that old lifestyle. One of these days you may not make it back. Please stay here with us and give yourself a chance to make something good of your life.

Corri

It's a real kicker when you find people who seem to care, isn't it?

What I'm hearing in your post is a discrepancy between how you view yourself vs. how others view you, and you seem to be having a hard time syncing the two up. It's like you are saying... "don't you people see the wake of destruction I've left in my path... and yet you all care... you all give me second chances. You all just don't know what I can be sometimes. Why the hell do you people care about me, when you ALL KNOW how outspoken I can be, how many feelings I can hurt, what I'm capable of."

I've been in similar situations, and in my case, I've become extremely angry with those types of people in my life. It'd seem I'd redouble my efforts to be an ass, just to prove them wrong. Of course, I'd feel bad about it, but I couldn't figure out how to get off the roller coaster.

After my last bout of drinking (Dec. 30), I did something different. I decided to STOP THINKING. (And let me tell you, that is no easy feat for me). Not for a few hours. Not for a day. Indefinitely.

Obviously, you have to think on some level to do your job, pay the bills, etc. But everything else... gone. All I did was ask myself, "what if I'm wrong... about everything?" And I decided to go out in the world, as if I were conducting research, and OBSERVE. If I felt the old thoughts and opinions begin to creep in, I'd just stop them. I kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. I got up every day, ate my meals, did my job, and observed.

A lot of surprising things happened to me when I kept my mouth shut, my mind in neutral, and my eyes open. Even if opinions formed in my head about someone or something else, I kept it to myself, got busy doing something else, and the opinion went away. I did this one day at a time because I am so phenomenal at living in future possibilities. It's what I do. Anticipate and solve before anything happens. Wow. That's hard for me to read.

Anyways. I gave the above a whirl in my life. I very much like this method of travel, and I will do it again today. You could do the same, if you find the thought intriguing or appealing. See what you see.

Lionne

Hey Trish, you really can make this happen.
You still can be the person you want to be and not let the past catch up with you again. The options may be long a term prison sentence or death. And who knows who else might suffer in that process.

I gotta be honest, I get the part where you might think: Why do people give me all these chances?, and I wonder if it would not be better if they would be harder on you.specially your boss. What if one day, he refuses to help you again? Then, you will not only lose an ally, but also a friend. But then again, maybe 4 months of jail were enough of consequences and it's good that somebody gives you the chance to get back on track more quickly.

There really has to be something about you that the people who support you see, and that goes above Trish the addict. Otherwise, they wouldn't bother. It has to be there, and I hope you'll be able to see it too. You can nurture that part of you, and make it grow, and the stronger it grows, the less power the negative parts will have over your life.
C'mon girl, you can do this! I'm on the cheerleader team too

keithj

Trish,

If there is one thing to learn from all of your struggling, it's that despite your best intentions and best efforts, you still end up using.

That's what I call powerless. Even when you don't want to, even when you say you won't, even when you know it's a bad idea, you still end up high.

That was exactly what I did. And it's what I kept doing until I knew deep down in my heart that I wasn't in control of this thing. That it would always get me in the end. I simply didn't have the power to resist it for any real length of time. that obsession always won out eventually, and I'd be where you are, trying to rebuild my life after tearing it down one more time.

I had to accept defeat and follow what others had done who were successful at staying sober.

Zencat

That's one quality that I'm making an effort to bring into my life. I'm always encouraged by your post. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you honesty and openness.

I also want to commend you for returning to recovery practices. I see far too often people in my recovery circle relapse and not return to recovery. I see them degenerate and all to often pass away because of addiction related health compilations. Maybe its because of their mental health illness that makes recovery very difficult, for that's my primary treatment and group. I'm not trying to compare you with them or me, I'm just inspired by your courage to get well no matter what.

joedris

Nice to see you back. I suggest you just take a deep breath and stop obsessing about some of this stuff. From all you said I picked up a couple of points:
You're starting to move away from the problem and live in the solution. That's a good thing
You're fortunate that you have people who care about you see your potential,
regardless of your previous behavior. That's a good thing.
These people are your support group. You need them. Don't be suspicious of their
motives. You say "Take me or leave me". Apply that same principle to how you interact with others. Accept that people can care about you without an ulterior motive. That, too, is a good thing.
Be Trish. Don't try to be anyone else. You need to start liking this Trish person. Deep down she's a little insecure, I think. But she's a very honest, open, decent woman who's doing the best she can. That's a very good thing.

And definitely get to that meeting!

Kjell

Aysha-

I had to change who I was or the same me would drink/drug again and again and again.

It was that simple.

Maybe this is true with you too?

AA/NA changed my life, removed the obession of drinking/drugging, and gave me a design for living without alcohol/drugs that worked.

...but I'm not special. It can work for you too.

We can and do recover. You can be living proof.

Kjell

Horselover

Well first WELCOME BACK TO SR and I'm saying a lot of Hail of Mary's that you are still alive. We all know this drug addiction is a form of self punishment. Have you gone to therapy and talked with a therapist one on one? I can't remember. I know you've done treatment and maybe that's the same thing? Not clear on that one, but I do know that unless we face our demons head on and feel the rawness of the injury in our psyche that keeps sending us down the same road that nothing will change.

I am an alcoholic and for the life of me I also face weight issues that have plagued me my whole life. I'm not extremely over weight, but I have damn high cholesterol and if I don't get it under control through diet and exercise then I have to go on medication. I don't want to be on pills yet. Any ways, my point is we find different ways of sabotaging our lives when we really don't love ourselves. I know alcoholism and food are ways I self punish and I see some of you in me also. Bottom? What bottom? I think your belief is that your bottom is when you're either in the world alone or not in the world period.

You have to ask yourself is this the way I would treat my loved ones? I bet you would say no way!! If you wouldn't treat someone else that way then why in God's name would you treat yourself that way? I'm not judging you by the way. These are questions that were thrown at me and I'm still working on.

We all start out the same in life and then life happens and our journey can become rocky or even have boulders that slam into us, BUT its how we respond to life that determines our future. I didn't form any self coping skills until I hit my 40s and became sober. I numbed and forgot things that were so raw when I was forced to face them that I felt like why do I want to even do this. I had to because then I knew if I could face those and forgive then I could "learn" how to live fully.

These are just thoughts and I hope something in there helps you Trish.

michelle01

I think that many of us can relate to the patterns that you describe. I know that whenever things began going well for me... that's when I would begin to feel nervous, and typically do something to mess it all up.

I could have killed someone while under the influence. That is the total opposite of my normal personality. But if I had done something like that, they could have done what they liked with me. I may now have had control over all aspects of what I did while I was inebriated, but I did have control over how I addressed the problem, and a personal responsibility.

I have been addicted to prescription pills and alcohol, not street drugs. But I was close to someone very involved in that 'scene' (family) and seen how they can become almost as addicted to the entire culture of it as to the drug itself. Her life was one drama after the other, but she seemed in a way addicted to the constant chaos and drama as well, as she kept bringing it on herself. I know that underneath, she was in fact quite lonely and insecure. But the sad thing is that these people who she thought she 'belonged' with didn't really give a damn about her. As street smart as she thought she was, she couldn't seem to see that. She ended up a victim of violence many times, as that seems to go hand in hand with the lifestyle. In the end she became a person I could hardly recognize as the person I once knew, I hardly knew how to relate to her anymore.

It's difficult to break the grip of the lifestyle, once under the skin. But it can certainly be done, I hope you make a start by severing the connections that are obvious and more subtle.

I am blunt in expressing myself. Always have been. But if I have overstepped and been rude, I take it upon myself to apologize and make amends. Having the ability to say whatever we like is great but comes with some responsibility, and preparedness to take the consequences of our words.

I also tend to be an either an over achiever, or crash and burn. Wanting to achieve well can be a positive trait, but taken too far can be an awful stress and throw out the balance in your life.

I hope that you can find some closure on the missing pieces of your background. We all have our good and bad sides. Addiction can make us closed minded, unable to appreciate other points of view, and arrogance is just one of the many defense mechanisms of the addict. But I believe that you have the character to rise above this.

Aysha

Ok..This is like the 4th or 5th time I have typed something and lost it. I didnt even bother retyping the other times. But I saved this one. I am running on my aunts wirless and she lives behind me. So my connection gets lost. Right when I go to click post. How convenient.

Anyway..Heres this one again..



Alot of great responses here. Thank you.

True as it may be that I really dont care what people think of me in general. However, I do care what kind of impression I give people. Meaning. I am not some loud mouth , inconsiderate jerk that has no bounderies or consideration for others. That I definitely am not. I just am who I am and if you like me. Cool. If not, well thats ok too. I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

I cant say I dont like myself. Because I know what qualities I have and dont have. I hate things I do and it drives me insane because I cant explain why I do things. Why I feel certain ways. I am learning to just take it as, thats just how life is sometimes. It will pass.

I know I am very lucky to have the people in my life that I do. And I am so grateful.
I am a likable person..I think. I have always gotten along with most people. People seem to like being around me. My little cousins adore me. That I know. The littlest one , first thing in the door she says.."Wheres Tricia?" LOL
But now she also has been asking if I am coming back when I leave because she doesnt understand what happened for the last 4 mos. She just knows I was gone one day and thats it. That tears me up. They dont know where I was. They think I went away to school.
Only the older kids know because their friends saw the cops swarm my house and saw the news.
This is my sanctuary. My home should be off limits to all that crap I put myself in when I go being a loser. But this last time I crossed that line. This is where my life is, my family, everything that means anything to me.
When I compromise that...I seriously need to hit the brakes and take a good freakin look at myself.
My family dont know the first thing about the lifestyle I have put myself in. Its just stuff they see in movies. Hell, They dont even drink.
I need to stop. Forget anyone else. I cant do it to myself or them anymore.
If anyone were to ever come to my house and hurt my family because of something I did. I would never forgive myself. That would be it for me.

Thats a serious fear of mine. Has been for years. I cant get high at home beause I will bug out thinking someone is going to break in and hurt my gram and I wont be able to get to her in time. I will sit there for hours coming down and buggin out just listening for footsteps, a window opening, my gram yelling for me. I mean for 5 or more hours. Thats what I do when I am coming down. It has been for well over 12 yrs. I am haunted by it.
Sounds crazy? It is.

I'm going to a meeting tonight.

michelle01

Yes you need to do it for yourself, when it comes down to it this is your life in the balance, recovery is the thing to do first.

Aysha

Went to the meeting. It was a celbration meeting. 2 people..One 8 yrs and the other 20.
How awesome is that?
I really had to push myself out the door tho.
Thats how it always is with me. All ready to go until its time to walk out the door. Then theres a million and excuses why I cant or dont want to go.
But I squashed that little voice tonight. And just went.
I am going to go to the one at the halfway house I was at Monday night. And I really want to go to one in downtown Saratoga where I know alot of people and my sponsor is at that one. That one is going to be tough because its kinda far from me. Gas is an issue and I am working nights now. But I will make an honest attempt and stop with the excuses.
Feel good I went.