soberlivin10

Hi Everyone! I have only posted one time previous to this but I need some major advice. I have 112 days sober. I am a sober member of AA and working my steps. I recently was married and HAD a very supportive husband but that seems to have changed. I havent attended meetings as regularly as I should have lately and it definitely had an affect on my way of thinking. I attended my home group meeting last night and I really needed it. My sponsor had been wanting us to get together for coffee since we havent had a chance in quite awhile to sit down just the two of us and talk. So I went home and told my husband the plan and his response was "whatever". I asked what type of response that was supposed to be. His comment was "I dont care what you do, go to your little social club". That hurt me so deeply. He was biggest supporter now its turned to this attitude. I feel like their is no making him happy. He definitely didnt like me drunk and now he doesnt like what I am doing to stay sober and be a better person. He has made comments lately that he doesnt think I am really an alcoholic. Yet he is the first and only person who had ever confronted about my drinking and called me an alcoholic. I am just so very confused.....Does anyone have any advice?

Very sad!!

Sugah

Change is uncomfortable for those around us. If he's not alcoholic, he probably has no idea what it's like for an alcoholic to get and stay sober, the kind of work that it requires and the changes we have to make. To him, the answer is very likely to be, "Just stop."

The ideal solution is that he address his problem--trying to manage you. Al-anon can help him with that, if he's willing to try it. If he's not, then you have to decide how important it is to you to be sober (not merely abstinent, and without change, most of us can't do that).

Years ago, I tried to get sober without outside help so as not to rock the boat at home. I didn't make it very long. The drinking (both of us) tore that relationship apart. Later, seven years into another relationship, I faced the same situation. My life was on the line by this time, and I made the decision to go to rehab--and not to return home. Not saying that'll happen with you, but without sobriety, my relationships were horrid (for both of us), and to get and stay sober, I couldn't live with someone not willing to tolerate what I needed to do.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Mark75

Recovery is a big commitment... for you, and for him... Lots of meetings, phone calls, etc... easy for a spouse to feel left out... and I don't think any of us are initially prepared for that... Also, interpersonal dynamics change as we recover, well, in some ways, everything changes, huh?



Get recovered, do what you need to do. Change is scary, even when it's change for the better. Don't let your husband's acting out deter you your path, you mission... As you grow and develop your sobriety and your confidence strengthens, you and your husband can begin to grow into your new relationship... It's scary, but it's also exciting.

Give him lots of space, let him deal with his issues, you deal with yours... And don't invite hurtful words if you can help it. I get "the look" now and then from my wife, like you, I have received comments from my spouse that I'd rather have not heard... So when I get the look, I just keep moving onward... If she really needs to say or ask me something, she will.

It gets better, it has for me...

soberlivin10

Thanks Sugah & Mark! Great advice. My problem is the constant guilt that I feel. If something goes wrong or someone is unhappy then its immediately my fault. It has been for years. I am working on this but it's much easier said than done. Thank you so much!! Great to be here on SR!!!

joedris

You really need to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband. Your situation isn't really that unusual. He needs to understand how important AA is to your sobriety (and your marriage, for that matter). He may or may not be receptive to what you say, but you have to say it. Clear the air so there are no misunderstandings here. Staying sober isn't easy and requires a commitment on your part. He needs to be reminded of that fact. And don't neglect to let him know how important he is to you also. He needs to hear that, too. My guess is that he feels hurt and neglected. And he certainly doesn't understand what you're going through.

I'd also recommend Al-Anon, but he may not be ready for that yet. It's hard for a spouse when we take time away from them and develop relationships that exclude them. But it's something we have to do to stay sober. The alternative will cause a lot more problems than what you have now. In any event, don't be intimidated by his attitude or remarks. Don't let him keep you from sobriety. But talk to him; let him know how you feel and how important this is. And make sure he understands the ramifications of you no longer going to AA. Is that what he wants? And good luck. Nobody ever promised us a rose garden.

1_day@_a_time

Yep, invite him along to some of the meetings and include him. Evaluate after a couple of weeks.

Seems he is clearly is not an alcoholic, and he would never say those things.

Are you familiar with 1 or 2 of the key principles found in Step 1 as a foundation for your life in recovery?

soberlivin10

joedris - Yes I do need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. I have tried but it turns into an argument because of my approach. Im working on that...Thanks so much! I'll let you know how this goes.

1 day - What makes this even harder is that he went to my first meeting with me. We used to go to dinner and a meeting every saturday. That hasnt happened in quite awhile. It's like he thought I should be "cured" by now.
As for step 2 I am working on Step 2 now....Any input would definitely help

1_day@_a_time

Just like you and me, he needs to have the willingness to find out more about alcoholism.......or not. Few, even some who have been in formal recovery for yrs., understand the core principles.

That said, it took me yrs of recovery before I met those who could assist me with the spiritual principles.

It has been said, there is a spiritual principle in every paragraph. Finally I am able to spot them more often than not........lol.....but not always!

Step 1 has 2 principles that tie closely together, which it is suggested we all must embrace and apply in our lives daily in order to recover.

I encourage you to read the Forward AND Step 1 in the 12 x 12 and see what you find.

I am here to help.

soberlivin10

1 day - Thank you so much for your insight...I will definitely read what u suggested....

ISPYSOBRIETY

Sounds like he feels a little left out and he may very well be. It's easy to become excessively needy when we give up alcohol. We focus on our recovery and tend to pay less attention to things and people around us. While some will probably disagree with me on this.... I think a point comes along where we have to close out our AA business and return to life. At 112 days of support, he may be wondering if there's any end to this. For all you know, he sees AA as a new addiction, one of the social kind. Maybe he thinks it's time for you to return to the life he bargained for?!?!

Maybe he's right. Maybe SR is all you need, to occasionally check in, make a declaration of your commitment and then get back to your life.

Might be time to sit down with him, thank him for his support and give him an update on how you're doing, how you feel, etc. Then allow him to express himself to you too.

Just thinkin...

1_day@_a_time

ISPYSOBRIETY, most do not have the psychic change/spiritual awakening promised us in 122 days.

A life described in the Forward of the 12 x 12, pg 15, 3rd paragraph.

soberlivin10, just getting started or "cured"/done?

CarolD

Sending prayers for healing to both of you...

soberlivin10

ISPYSOBRIETY - Yes I do believe he is feeling left out. I appreciate your advice. Thank you so much!

1 day - I'm not sure what your are asking?

CarolID - Thank you!

1_day@_a_time

I sent you a PM. (private message)

ISPYSOBRIETY

Soberlivin,

I'm glad you see what I was saying. You didn't jump on the defensive and that's good. Alcoholics have a tendancy to do just that. When we get over the hump, things start making sense and "I think" we are more open to reasoning. God knows, we should be, witht he addictions we just reasoned out of our lives.

If we were in their shoes, we might (I probably would have) already told them, times up, gimmie my damned wife back now. LOL... but supportively, of course

artsoul

hey soberliving - sounds like he has a little bit of resentment ("just go to your social club"), or he could have just been in a bad mood. Probably only you would know that.

Talking is always good and sharing from the heart (as opposed to hurt/anger) might help him see it in a different light. If he's feeling left out, maybe he'd go to an occasional meeting, or maybe you could compromise and figure out a way so that you're both happy.

I always tried to please everyone, too...... but that builds resentments (yuck).

Good luck!!

din

I remember at first my husband asking "how long you gotta do that"
(go to meetings....meet w/sponsor every week)

kinda funny really.......cause at that time, I was wondering the same thing (few days...few weeks....few months...)

I have my meditation reading time daily.....I pray daily....I attend probably a minimum of 4 meetings per week.........meet with my sponsor once a week for an hour 1/2.......and try to be there for what ever help I can be to a fellow member of AA......

My sponsor told me...."which ever one of those things you DONT need to do to stay sober" feel free to quit.

:rotfxko

over a year later, I am still doing them all (and what started out as my "you should be fixed by now" attitude of a husband) now reminds me if I'm not watching the clock, and its nearing my normal meeting time. and yes, it does cut into "our" time together........but it also makes me a better me..(not only for me)....but "for him" .

soberlivin10

ISPYSOBRIETY - Thank you!

artsoul - I do think he has a bit of a resentment. I try talking to him but he is extremely stubborn. I believe when he thinks about it for awhile I will be ablt to communicate with him. Thank you!

din - Thank you so much! You have given me hope. And my program makes me a better me as well. I truly like what your sponsor had to say!!! Thanks again!

Dee74

Hi soberlivin

I think, as hard and as difficult the change and upheaval of society is for us, it must sometimes be doubly so for our partners.

I wasn't in a relationship when I got sober - nor did I go to AA...but some of my friends and loved ones did resent the fact that I was now in recovery...one said to me 'there used to be just you, now there's you and your recovery'.

It's difficult to understand if you don't have to go through it yourself, but that why we have SR.

Folks here get it - they understand that without our recovery - without it being central...everything else is in jeopardy.

I hope you and your husband can hash this thing out
good luck!

D

soberlivin10

Thank you Dee! I know that he can understand what recovery is about for me. We have spoken about this. When has had questions in the past I answer them. I constantly tell him that I know he will never understand but what he needs to understand is the it works for me. He has seen me at my ugliest and will never go back there no matter what I have to do. Thank you again!!