Goodbye sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Goodbye sponsor
I am feeling shocked and rather heartbroken. My sponsor, who I had grown to love very much, has told me that he doesn't wish to continue. He wants a break. Maybe for two months.
I do understand. He doesn't feel I am making progress towards my recovery. Last week, I called him when I was drunk and complained about my life in a very self-pitying way. He tried to help but I suppose he was out of his depth. You can't do much to help a person when they are in that awful state.
The thing is, there has been progress. I have been going to meetings. I have been reading the Big Book and I did get more than 28 days of sobriety although since the start of this year it seems I have had more problems with the drinking than ever before. That must be the progressive nature of the disease.
Last week, I was sober from Friday until very early on Wednesday morning. I have been sober all day on Sunday and Monday. I went to a meeting tonight although I didn't share.
I know my sponsor is only human and I have put enormous pressure on him emotionally. He says he will return to take me through the steps if I get two months sobriety now. At the moment that seems like a very hard goal.
All the harder, I fear, because I used him to help me towards sobriety. But if I'm really honest (and I want to pray and think about this and think about it some more) I may have been using him as an EXCUSE to drink, accepting his kindness and love and therefore ignoring my own responsibility, the consequences of my actions and the spiritual side of the programme.
Step One, again.
I do understand. He doesn't feel I am making progress towards my recovery. Last week, I called him when I was drunk and complained about my life in a very self-pitying way. He tried to help but I suppose he was out of his depth. You can't do much to help a person when they are in that awful state.
The thing is, there has been progress. I have been going to meetings. I have been reading the Big Book and I did get more than 28 days of sobriety although since the start of this year it seems I have had more problems with the drinking than ever before. That must be the progressive nature of the disease.
Last week, I was sober from Friday until very early on Wednesday morning. I have been sober all day on Sunday and Monday. I went to a meeting tonight although I didn't share.
I know my sponsor is only human and I have put enormous pressure on him emotionally. He says he will return to take me through the steps if I get two months sobriety now. At the moment that seems like a very hard goal.
All the harder, I fear, because I used him to help me towards sobriety. But if I'm really honest (and I want to pray and think about this and think about it some more) I may have been using him as an EXCUSE to drink, accepting his kindness and love and therefore ignoring my own responsibility, the consequences of my actions and the spiritual side of the programme.
Step One, again.
Riding Barefoot
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 452
Wow, that's a toughie. I am sorry to hear about your situation. How long have you been working with this guy as your sponsor? It doesn't sound like he has much patience, but then again, I don't really know. Has he sponsored other people? Maybe you should consider finding another sponsor, as this one might not be the right match for you. I think praying on it is a great idea. What else are you doing to try and stay sober? I wish you luck and strength...keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
It's been nearly a year and I think he has been very patient. But I am his first sponsee. Perhaps he hasn't been tough enough, I don't know. I am not rushing to get another sponsor just today.
What else am I doing? I need to up my AA meetings, read the Big Book again, do my Daily Reflections and prayer, reflect and assess.
I will really aim to do 60 meetings now because that would be enough to get him back and then we can work recovery together. Pray for me please because this is hard.
What else am I doing? I need to up my AA meetings, read the Big Book again, do my Daily Reflections and prayer, reflect and assess.
I will really aim to do 60 meetings now because that would be enough to get him back and then we can work recovery together. Pray for me please because this is hard.
Riding Barefoot
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 452
Dee is right- you need to do it for YOU, and now is the time. You can do this. Stick to your plan of the meetings, reading your BB, and praying... and not drinking. You can do this. I'm sending prayers out for you. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Being a sponsor is a huge responsibility. It's like all of a sudden you have a new child in your life with special needs and 24/7 attention is needed.
I personally could not do it, and I don't wish to place such burden on anyone else either. I don't want my life problems to become someone elses problems on top of their own.
I think sponsors should be there as a support not constant baby sitters.
We all need to be more determined about our recovery. No one can do that for us.
I personally could not do it, and I don't wish to place such burden on anyone else either. I don't want my life problems to become someone elses problems on top of their own.
I think sponsors should be there as a support not constant baby sitters.
We all need to be more determined about our recovery. No one can do that for us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Endless,
I know how you feel. My sponsor couldn't handle me either. The thing is, I am kind of saying to myself, "But wait!, you can't quit!". But, they can and they do, because they are human, warts and all. The first few weeks with her, and this other guy were brutal, but also great to have a little team. I kept getting a few days and then blowing it. They kept at me. Sometimes nice, other times, plain mean. But each time, I learned something about my recovery attempts and also about me. And most of all, as said above, it was about, and for ME!
I also reached 28 days and caved and i thought, Oh my God, I will never get this!
But I did and now have over 90 days.
The things that helped along the way and the changes I made to what I was doing were hard but eventually came together. I am not hanging around with these people at the moment, and it hurts a lot by the way.
* I would cave in to drink a little too easily. I would get the craving and be preoccupied all evening and then rush out and buy a bottle and drink it all if I could, wake up and finish it. Lord God, I would feel like crap! So, I figured, I must just sweat it out a bit, really suffer through the craving. Worked for 28 days that time.
* Then the last week of the 28 days, I was constantly thinking of drink. I was planning it, when could I find the time etc. i realized after, that once I allowed these thoughts at all in my head, that I had already relapsed. If it were not an option in my head, then why or how was it being planned?
* So, shut down the thoughts as soon as they come into your head. "Sorry buddy, not going there!". Same as you would not think how am I going to torture small kitties! Why even think how to do it?. No slack, not open for discussion.
* Was not a big fan of the praying thing. What is with all this down on your knees crap? Well, you are either in or your out. Why not create a new habit? Couldn't hurt as much as the gargle now could it? So, went on my knees and blabbered a bit every night. Said a few thank-yous, for stupid things like the nice coffee or the car or the nice person at the meeting or for the nice perfume or whatever. Then, I did it every night until I actually was praying. I now can't go to bed until I go on my knees. And damn, during the cold weather, that was hard!
*So, then I was at about 60 days! Coasting! I had somewhere along the line lost the compulsion to drink! I now realize that the woman was not exactly as sober as I thought. Not drinking but in other ways. (long story). She became very jealous and unpredictable. She kept at me about loosing weight and how come I was so happy etc. Why was it such a big freaking deal? I have been depressed long enough! And, I could have a tumor for all I knew coz I wasn't doing a damn thing to loose the weight and was horsing down the crisps and chocolate! Again, I am not sorry to loose weight! I backed off from her, and spent more time with the guy. She became jealous and like a kid, she broke up the game because she was not the boss of it! Then, after claiming that she was doing this because I was in early sobriety and was not to be trusted with my emotions, she actually left slip that she did not understand the attraction and suggested another guy who would be a better catch! WTF!!!!! Lunatic! But, you know what? I didn't and haven't had a drink.
* AA is not about one person. One person does not keep you sober, and one person does not make you drink. That is on you and your faith. Whatever that faith is.
* I picked myself up and went to a few different meetings and then returned to my local meeting because it is my meeting. I am not staying away. We are adults. I am very hurt and feel burnt. I have not got a sponsor now and will wait a while. I talk less to people but try to remain open. This is hard. I opened up to these people and got tossed aside. I feel like I am being punished for something. I did not do anything wrong. I was just doing the best I could. But such is life.
* The important thing is to stop drinking and stay stopped and get the relief from the compulsion. Take the suggestions, examine yourself for what would be good to change. I have changed a lot. I am less of a big-mouth. I am less likely to judge. I leave people off with a lot as I can only be responsible for myself......
So, that enormous ramble helped me and I hope it helps you. I have learned one thing in the last few days. I realize, that although I seem confident and outgoing and all that, I tend to completely over-react to someone giving me attention. Read way too much into it and then it ends up not being what I think at all and I get hurt and disappointed.
So Endless, stay with it, pick up and keep going. Sounds like you are getting there. Your sponsor needs to mind himself too. They used to say to me that they would drink before I would get sober! So, it is OK. Build your own strength, and hang in there. Maybe you have got all you can from this guy and there are others. Now you have to find them as he is not around.
Best of luck and keep at it!
Hollyanne.
I know how you feel. My sponsor couldn't handle me either. The thing is, I am kind of saying to myself, "But wait!, you can't quit!". But, they can and they do, because they are human, warts and all. The first few weeks with her, and this other guy were brutal, but also great to have a little team. I kept getting a few days and then blowing it. They kept at me. Sometimes nice, other times, plain mean. But each time, I learned something about my recovery attempts and also about me. And most of all, as said above, it was about, and for ME!
I also reached 28 days and caved and i thought, Oh my God, I will never get this!
But I did and now have over 90 days.
The things that helped along the way and the changes I made to what I was doing were hard but eventually came together. I am not hanging around with these people at the moment, and it hurts a lot by the way.
* I would cave in to drink a little too easily. I would get the craving and be preoccupied all evening and then rush out and buy a bottle and drink it all if I could, wake up and finish it. Lord God, I would feel like crap! So, I figured, I must just sweat it out a bit, really suffer through the craving. Worked for 28 days that time.
* Then the last week of the 28 days, I was constantly thinking of drink. I was planning it, when could I find the time etc. i realized after, that once I allowed these thoughts at all in my head, that I had already relapsed. If it were not an option in my head, then why or how was it being planned?
* So, shut down the thoughts as soon as they come into your head. "Sorry buddy, not going there!". Same as you would not think how am I going to torture small kitties! Why even think how to do it?. No slack, not open for discussion.
* Was not a big fan of the praying thing. What is with all this down on your knees crap? Well, you are either in or your out. Why not create a new habit? Couldn't hurt as much as the gargle now could it? So, went on my knees and blabbered a bit every night. Said a few thank-yous, for stupid things like the nice coffee or the car or the nice person at the meeting or for the nice perfume or whatever. Then, I did it every night until I actually was praying. I now can't go to bed until I go on my knees. And damn, during the cold weather, that was hard!
*So, then I was at about 60 days! Coasting! I had somewhere along the line lost the compulsion to drink! I now realize that the woman was not exactly as sober as I thought. Not drinking but in other ways. (long story). She became very jealous and unpredictable. She kept at me about loosing weight and how come I was so happy etc. Why was it such a big freaking deal? I have been depressed long enough! And, I could have a tumor for all I knew coz I wasn't doing a damn thing to loose the weight and was horsing down the crisps and chocolate! Again, I am not sorry to loose weight! I backed off from her, and spent more time with the guy. She became jealous and like a kid, she broke up the game because she was not the boss of it! Then, after claiming that she was doing this because I was in early sobriety and was not to be trusted with my emotions, she actually left slip that she did not understand the attraction and suggested another guy who would be a better catch! WTF!!!!! Lunatic! But, you know what? I didn't and haven't had a drink.
* AA is not about one person. One person does not keep you sober, and one person does not make you drink. That is on you and your faith. Whatever that faith is.
* I picked myself up and went to a few different meetings and then returned to my local meeting because it is my meeting. I am not staying away. We are adults. I am very hurt and feel burnt. I have not got a sponsor now and will wait a while. I talk less to people but try to remain open. This is hard. I opened up to these people and got tossed aside. I feel like I am being punished for something. I did not do anything wrong. I was just doing the best I could. But such is life.
* The important thing is to stop drinking and stay stopped and get the relief from the compulsion. Take the suggestions, examine yourself for what would be good to change. I have changed a lot. I am less of a big-mouth. I am less likely to judge. I leave people off with a lot as I can only be responsible for myself......
So, that enormous ramble helped me and I hope it helps you. I have learned one thing in the last few days. I realize, that although I seem confident and outgoing and all that, I tend to completely over-react to someone giving me attention. Read way too much into it and then it ends up not being what I think at all and I get hurt and disappointed.
So Endless, stay with it, pick up and keep going. Sounds like you are getting there. Your sponsor needs to mind himself too. They used to say to me that they would drink before I would get sober! So, it is OK. Build your own strength, and hang in there. Maybe you have got all you can from this guy and there are others. Now you have to find them as he is not around.
Best of luck and keep at it!
Hollyanne.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
I suppose that after a year, any of us would get frustrated. But, a sponsor is in this deal with you. The work is all up to you; the sponsor helps you see the directions. Here are the Steps we took that lead to a spiritual awakening. If a sponsor thinks that his job is to receive your phone calls when you are thinking about drinking, then it's probably because he had poor sponsorship himself. I see a lot of guys that really do have their hearts in the right place and want to help you, but they just don't know how to do it. Has he had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps? Can he explain that process in detail to you?
Meetings and reading are good, but they are not the Steps that were taken. If you can stop drinking and stay stopped without the Steps, then obviously you don't need the Steps. Find a sponsor who really needs the Steps.
Meetings and reading are good, but they are not the Steps that were taken. If you can stop drinking and stay stopped without the Steps, then obviously you don't need the Steps. Find a sponsor who really needs the Steps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Endless, I don't know that I have a good answer for you. I currently sponsor 3 people, 1 is a noob who just hit 30 days. I have told them all the same thing. I am here to give encouragement and guidance. I will not keep you sober, nor will I take the bottle away if your drinking. This is your program! not mine! I have my own program to work with my own sponser. I am not a Saint,I am a drunk just like you. I am just further down the road is all. I will not drag you kicking and screaming through the steps. As you work the steps yourself I will do everything I can to help.
Now, when you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. YOU WILL
The bottom line is YOU are responsible for YOU, not your sponsor.
Sincerely wish you the best,
Ron
Now, when you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it. YOU WILL
The bottom line is YOU are responsible for YOU, not your sponsor.
Sincerely wish you the best,
Ron
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by endlesspatience 
I will really aim to do 60 meetings now because that would be enough to get him back and then we can work recovery together.
I know that sounds like a bunch of BS, but we alcoholics are really good at mind games and self-deception. The second observation I have is from the second sentence. What prevents you from working your program TODAY, without him, or with someone else? You might not be alive in 60 days if you continue as you are.
If you haven't seen it already, check out "Rain in my Heart" a documentary on alcoholism on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/v/NP0InrPZpjg
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Step one, again......
Can you tell me what one of the most important principles found in Step one is??
There are two that really tie together.
I believe you will find they are PARAMOUNT as a beginning.
I will give you a headstart: look in the 12 x 12.
Can you tell me what one of the most important principles found in Step one is??
There are two that really tie together.
I believe you will find they are PARAMOUNT as a beginning.
I will give you a headstart: look in the 12 x 12.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
I can understand why you're shocked and heartbroken and it sounds like you're not ready to give up and that is a wonderful thing.
I would ask you if you took his suggestions? Did you do what he recommended?
If the answer is no and you were working with him for a year, than what else could he have done for you?
I changed sponsors after a few months of not getting sober. It was 100% my fault I kept drinking, no my sponsors, but a change was needed and we both agreed about that.
If I were you, I'd ask him if he could recommend someone else and keep working for YOUR sobriety. This may be the "kick-in-the-pants" you require.
Kjell
I would ask you if you took his suggestions? Did you do what he recommended?
If the answer is no and you were working with him for a year, than what else could he have done for you?
I changed sponsors after a few months of not getting sober. It was 100% my fault I kept drinking, no my sponsors, but a change was needed and we both agreed about that.
If I were you, I'd ask him if he could recommend someone else and keep working for YOUR sobriety. This may be the "kick-in-the-pants" you require.
Kjell
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm sorry you feel rejected
I am sure your sponsor did too.
Plese ask him to be a friend in recovery
Find another sponsor and Yes...begin with Step 1.
all my best...
I am sure your sponsor did too.
Plese ask him to be a friend in recovery
Find another sponsor and Yes...begin with Step 1.
all my best...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Thank you all very much indeed for your supportive, honest and thoughtful replies. Turning things over for the past 24 hours has been good. I feel sad about the break with sponsor but I am not in crisis and I did not drink on it. I have attended two meetings in the past two days.
This is a stark reminder that I need to get sober "for my own sake". That was the exact words used to me by an ex-lover and it was a key motivating factor in joining AA.
But I now need to ask whether that is indeed what I was doing or whether I have been hoping to convince other people, including my sponsor, that I was striving for sobriety for their sake. I kept saying I was going to meetings, making progress and recovering because I thought that was what they wanted to hear. And if they heard that I believed I would win their affection and approval.
I would like to state here very clearly that I have lied about certain times when I have been drunk. After 28 days recovery in December, I drank nearly every day for ten days in January. Very privately. But these lies are potentially fatal. The Big Book says "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves..."
I don't think I am constitutionally incapable of being honest. But I have lied to certain people. At least in the rooms of AA I can admit to drinking or acting badly. I don't have deep personal relationships with other members so I do not need to worry about their affection or judgement. Perhaps I can now achieve a level of self-honesty that will be the basis of the recovery process. I am usually VERY honest on this Forum, including about troubling matters. And from honesty stems self-respect.
Someone in an AA meeting the other day said something powerful. "I couldn't cope," said the member. "I expected other people to cope for me." I feel I have taken that attitude many, many times. And really, I think there was a big element of expecting my poor, beleagured sponsor to "cope" for me and relieve my problems. As Ron said on this Forum, "One person does not keep you sober, and one person does not make you drink."
So, the drinking problem remains. The solution remains. This Forum remains. And the AA Fellowship remains. Am I giving up? No, I am most definitely not giving up. I have not given up for a year. Thank you again for your prayers and your support.
This is a stark reminder that I need to get sober "for my own sake". That was the exact words used to me by an ex-lover and it was a key motivating factor in joining AA.
But I now need to ask whether that is indeed what I was doing or whether I have been hoping to convince other people, including my sponsor, that I was striving for sobriety for their sake. I kept saying I was going to meetings, making progress and recovering because I thought that was what they wanted to hear. And if they heard that I believed I would win their affection and approval.
I would like to state here very clearly that I have lied about certain times when I have been drunk. After 28 days recovery in December, I drank nearly every day for ten days in January. Very privately. But these lies are potentially fatal. The Big Book says "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves..."
I don't think I am constitutionally incapable of being honest. But I have lied to certain people. At least in the rooms of AA I can admit to drinking or acting badly. I don't have deep personal relationships with other members so I do not need to worry about their affection or judgement. Perhaps I can now achieve a level of self-honesty that will be the basis of the recovery process. I am usually VERY honest on this Forum, including about troubling matters. And from honesty stems self-respect.
Someone in an AA meeting the other day said something powerful. "I couldn't cope," said the member. "I expected other people to cope for me." I feel I have taken that attitude many, many times. And really, I think there was a big element of expecting my poor, beleagured sponsor to "cope" for me and relieve my problems. As Ron said on this Forum, "One person does not keep you sober, and one person does not make you drink."
So, the drinking problem remains. The solution remains. This Forum remains. And the AA Fellowship remains. Am I giving up? No, I am most definitely not giving up. I have not given up for a year. Thank you again for your prayers and your support.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
A good honest reply. A real nice start........
BUT
SERIOUSLY..........not ONE word of what you ARE going to do specifically re your recovery.
What are the principles I referred to which our literature suggests we all need to embrace in order to START the recovery process???
BUT
SERIOUSLY..........not ONE word of what you ARE going to do specifically re your recovery.
What are the principles I referred to which our literature suggests we all need to embrace in order to START the recovery process???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Thank you for this challenge. Let me take stock on that point for 24 hours or so. I'll have a look again at the 12 by 12, read the Big Book and see if I can get someone at a meeting to help me with this point. I'll get back to you soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Thank you for this challenge. Let me take stock on that point for 24 hours or so. I'll have a look again at the 12 by 12, read the Big Book and see if I can get someone at a meeting to help me with this point. I'll get back to you soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
I recognize this thread is about the old sponsor. However the issue has nothing to do with the sponsor and everything to do with the principles in recovery. I am of the opinion the sponsor may have saved your life by severing the tie!
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