Feeling a little embarrassed to have to seek help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
Feeling a little embarrassed to have to seek help.
Hi all,
I'm a mid-30s guy who has had a long relationship with the party lifestyle. I had a rough life 'til my mid 20s- broken family, health issues, bad relationships. Things are good now.
I was a fairly major stoner throughout high school and college, but I eventually transitioned out of that to alcohol, which I never really abused. A few years ago, I started a pattern of fairly regular minor cocaine use. (a gram a month, etc) That started to scare me when it became a weekly thing.
For the last year I've been in therapy, which has been a HUGE boon. I've started processing and getting through a lot of the childhood stuff that has messed up my life for decades, and getting away from some of that self-hatred seems to have stopped my urge to do at least the harder drugs. I haven't done coke in about 3 months, and I feel that I've learned for good that it doesn't work for me.
So, lately, I've lapsed back into pot smoking– no major cause for concern, and it feels at times as though it helps mitigate the stress of my 80-hour-per-week work life, but it's starting to leave me cold. My evenings fade to a fuzzy blankness as I watch one more episode of some TV show (I don't generally watch TV) and sort of hope I get sleepy enough to go to bed before 3am.
I wake up feeling dull and uninspired, weakly resolving not to do that to myself again, but as night rolls around, all I can think about is that escape, taking me away from my day.
This is a time of major, scary change for me. I've started a very promising new project that's taking all my focus. I've recently become single. I'm digging up and dealing with distressing amounts of stuff in therapy. To top it off, I'm gearing up to move to a new city, too.
I feel overwhelmed, lonely, and challenged beyond my means... So again comes the self-medication.
I think what's held me back from confronting my problems with drugs is that I never hit rock bottom- I've kept my job, my place to live, and most of my friends, though my personal progression has certainly been somewhat hampered by my drug use- it's far easier to just use and forget than to apply oneself to the challenges of the day.
Being that I don't have the standard "so I burnt down my house and ran naked through the streets that night, and that was when i KNEW" sort of story, I've felt embarrassed to consider going to an AA or NA meeting- why the hell do *I* need help for a mild pot habit and the occasional laughably minor drug binge?
I just feel weak, stupid, tired and worn out- I know that escaping from my problems is making them worse every day, and that further drives my need to medicate.
Gah.
Anyhow, it felt good to write that out. Cheers all,
-NBD
I'm a mid-30s guy who has had a long relationship with the party lifestyle. I had a rough life 'til my mid 20s- broken family, health issues, bad relationships. Things are good now.
I was a fairly major stoner throughout high school and college, but I eventually transitioned out of that to alcohol, which I never really abused. A few years ago, I started a pattern of fairly regular minor cocaine use. (a gram a month, etc) That started to scare me when it became a weekly thing.
For the last year I've been in therapy, which has been a HUGE boon. I've started processing and getting through a lot of the childhood stuff that has messed up my life for decades, and getting away from some of that self-hatred seems to have stopped my urge to do at least the harder drugs. I haven't done coke in about 3 months, and I feel that I've learned for good that it doesn't work for me.
So, lately, I've lapsed back into pot smoking– no major cause for concern, and it feels at times as though it helps mitigate the stress of my 80-hour-per-week work life, but it's starting to leave me cold. My evenings fade to a fuzzy blankness as I watch one more episode of some TV show (I don't generally watch TV) and sort of hope I get sleepy enough to go to bed before 3am.
I wake up feeling dull and uninspired, weakly resolving not to do that to myself again, but as night rolls around, all I can think about is that escape, taking me away from my day.
This is a time of major, scary change for me. I've started a very promising new project that's taking all my focus. I've recently become single. I'm digging up and dealing with distressing amounts of stuff in therapy. To top it off, I'm gearing up to move to a new city, too.
I feel overwhelmed, lonely, and challenged beyond my means... So again comes the self-medication.
I think what's held me back from confronting my problems with drugs is that I never hit rock bottom- I've kept my job, my place to live, and most of my friends, though my personal progression has certainly been somewhat hampered by my drug use- it's far easier to just use and forget than to apply oneself to the challenges of the day.
Being that I don't have the standard "so I burnt down my house and ran naked through the streets that night, and that was when i KNEW" sort of story, I've felt embarrassed to consider going to an AA or NA meeting- why the hell do *I* need help for a mild pot habit and the occasional laughably minor drug binge?
I just feel weak, stupid, tired and worn out- I know that escaping from my problems is making them worse every day, and that further drives my need to medicate.
Gah.
Anyhow, it felt good to write that out. Cheers all,
-NBD
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi nobigdeal
I dunno - I considered my descent a pretty big deal...I never set fire to my house or ran naked through the streets, never had a criminal record, I shut myself up in my room never really bothered anyone else when I was drunk and/or stoned...
but I was wasting my life and my potential...I was leasing my soul for a short term buzz...and I knew it.
Some mornings I could hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror...but I kept drinking...
Mostly pride and fear kept me from doing something or seeking help....so I got worse...& I ended up an all day everyday drinker.
You're wise to do something about it now.
Welcome to SR, NBD
D
I dunno - I considered my descent a pretty big deal...I never set fire to my house or ran naked through the streets, never had a criminal record, I shut myself up in my room never really bothered anyone else when I was drunk and/or stoned...
but I was wasting my life and my potential...I was leasing my soul for a short term buzz...and I knew it.
Some mornings I could hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror...but I kept drinking...
Mostly pride and fear kept me from doing something or seeking help....so I got worse...& I ended up an all day everyday drinker.
You're wise to do something about it now.
Welcome to SR, NBD
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I know that escaping from my problems is making them worse every day
That was the same story for me, only with wine.
I was drinking to get away from myself but was only making everything ten times worse.I think you can count your blessings that you didn't hit a 'rock bottom' before you quit using. You can quit without any serious legal or physical or emotional consequences. Don't wait til it gets horrible. Quit now while you're still doing ok.
Your bottom is just the place where you stop digging. Stop now while there's still no damage to clean up.Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks for these comments! Yes, I really don't want to wait 'til the last moment to get rid of these habits, either- I can see what's coming, and it's not good. More wasted time or lasting damage, or both- neither are something I can afford to accept.
This is the first time I've actually "sought help" for this stuff (the therapy I do deals mostly with anxiety/depression.) I know it's very early days but it does feel good to put my want for the future into words and talk to someone(s) about it.
Thanks again,
NBD
This is the first time I've actually "sought help" for this stuff (the therapy I do deals mostly with anxiety/depression.) I know it's very early days but it does feel good to put my want for the future into words and talk to someone(s) about it.
Thanks again,
NBD
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi NBD,
My problem is alcohol, so I can't comment on drug use firsthand, but it is great if you can stop the problem before it gets any bigger.
I was seeing a doctor who didn't think my alcohol use (abuse!) was really a problem---I was a lightweight by some people's standards---but it was becoming a huge problem for me. Quitting has been wonderful. I now see it as not giving something up (negative) so much as getting a whole new lease on life (more time for other activities, less depression, and better coping mechanisms for stress). After the first two weeks, it hasn't felt as much like deprivation as I expected.
My understanding of AA/NA is that they don't play the game of ranking who has the worst problem. You are welcome if you are thinking you want to quit.
SR is also a great place to hang out and learn and think about quitting, and getting tools to make that work for you.
Keep posting...
My problem is alcohol, so I can't comment on drug use firsthand, but it is great if you can stop the problem before it gets any bigger.
I was seeing a doctor who didn't think my alcohol use (abuse!) was really a problem---I was a lightweight by some people's standards---but it was becoming a huge problem for me. Quitting has been wonderful. I now see it as not giving something up (negative) so much as getting a whole new lease on life (more time for other activities, less depression, and better coping mechanisms for stress). After the first two weeks, it hasn't felt as much like deprivation as I expected.
My understanding of AA/NA is that they don't play the game of ranking who has the worst problem. You are welcome if you are thinking you want to quit.
SR is also a great place to hang out and learn and think about quitting, and getting tools to make that work for you.
Keep posting...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there,
You've recognized two very important things. First, that your life has become unmanageable, and that unless you deal with this it is likely to get worse, not better. Second, you are unable to stop on your own power.
That's pretty much AA's first Step, right there. You will fit in just fine at any meeting. Nobody cares that you didn't become homeless or lose everything. I still had a demanding, important job in the public sector when I quit drinking. I still had my car, house, and mortgage. I never went to jail, got a DUI, or lost a relationship due to drinking. Any or all of those things COULD have come to pass, though, had I not gotten sober when I did.
Life is a lot better when you aren't at the mercy of an addiction.
You've recognized two very important things. First, that your life has become unmanageable, and that unless you deal with this it is likely to get worse, not better. Second, you are unable to stop on your own power.
That's pretty much AA's first Step, right there. You will fit in just fine at any meeting. Nobody cares that you didn't become homeless or lose everything. I still had a demanding, important job in the public sector when I quit drinking. I still had my car, house, and mortgage. I never went to jail, got a DUI, or lost a relationship due to drinking. Any or all of those things COULD have come to pass, though, had I not gotten sober when I did.
Life is a lot better when you aren't at the mercy of an addiction.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I never went over-the-top with craziness when I was drinking either, but at the same time, alcohol sucked the life out of me. I was not really present, and if I was, I was usually feeling headachy and nauseous. I think it's great that you recognize you want to change things. And, I'm glad the counselling is helping.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT
Posts: 13
It was hard for me to realize my rock bottom. I mean I didn't end up being a homeless junkie on the streets or something like that. But I eventually realized that I have reached my rock bottom in my own terms. And I know if I continue ,I will hit another, much lower, rock bottom. If I keep going my way I WILL end up as that homeless junkie. So I threw the red flag in even though I "thought" I wasn't too bad.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My sponsor is fond of saying, "Every bottom has a trap door." IOW, it can always get worse, if you go back to drinking.
For me, the "bottom" wasn't terribly dramatic. I simply felt enough pain that I was ready to stop. The pain of continuing as I was, was too great.
For me, the "bottom" wasn't terribly dramatic. I simply felt enough pain that I was ready to stop. The pain of continuing as I was, was too great.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
Isn't it funny how fleeting these little glimpses at reason can be. 
Yesterday, when I sought out SR and was feeling very down, I felt resolved about quitting everything, saw it as a must-do thing. Your responses redoubled my resolve, so thank you all.
Today, I got a long-standing difficult errand finally done and felt good about that, and when my housemate offered me a beer, I didn't think to say no. I'd been thinking, heck, maybe this "addiction" worry is just an overreaction, eh? I'm doing just fine. What's a beer?
The couple of beers I had exacerbated my normal nightly jones for a little weed, and I was unable to keep myself away from it, try as I might. Still I felt this slightly aloof feeling. Heck, what's a little weed! I work hard!
Coming back here and re-reading what I'd written in that low state yesterday, and reading through many more threads has re-acquainted me with why I'd worried, and why I need to quit. Even if my habit seems "mild" to me, the effects sure haven't been!
I've really isolated myself in this smoky little world lately- If there's one thing that alcohol and drugs do well, it's to give the user a false sense of progress. Life is hard, and true accomplishment is often few and far between. A good buzz tells the brain, "good for you! aren't things just wonderful! you deserve this!"
When I find myself sitting at home for the 12th night in a row, "perfectly contented" to watch another video or futz with some tech thing for hours, realizing I've got close friends I haven't seen in weeks, or even talked to, man... That is some HEAVY stuff.
Even though I'm smoking the equivalent of a half a joint and drinking a single solitary beer per day, it's just enough, "there there! it's ok!" to keep me from reaching out, from taking risks, from meeting new people, and from moving forward.
Tomorrow will be my first day of intentionally instituted sobriety- and by that I mean, night, as that's when I do this stuff to myself. Wish me luck, and thanks for the wake-up call and support.
Yesterday, when I sought out SR and was feeling very down, I felt resolved about quitting everything, saw it as a must-do thing. Your responses redoubled my resolve, so thank you all.Today, I got a long-standing difficult errand finally done and felt good about that, and when my housemate offered me a beer, I didn't think to say no. I'd been thinking, heck, maybe this "addiction" worry is just an overreaction, eh? I'm doing just fine. What's a beer?
The couple of beers I had exacerbated my normal nightly jones for a little weed, and I was unable to keep myself away from it, try as I might. Still I felt this slightly aloof feeling. Heck, what's a little weed! I work hard!
Coming back here and re-reading what I'd written in that low state yesterday, and reading through many more threads has re-acquainted me with why I'd worried, and why I need to quit. Even if my habit seems "mild" to me, the effects sure haven't been!
I've really isolated myself in this smoky little world lately- If there's one thing that alcohol and drugs do well, it's to give the user a false sense of progress. Life is hard, and true accomplishment is often few and far between. A good buzz tells the brain, "good for you! aren't things just wonderful! you deserve this!"
When I find myself sitting at home for the 12th night in a row, "perfectly contented" to watch another video or futz with some tech thing for hours, realizing I've got close friends I haven't seen in weeks, or even talked to, man... That is some HEAVY stuff.
Even though I'm smoking the equivalent of a half a joint and drinking a single solitary beer per day, it's just enough, "there there! it's ok!" to keep me from reaching out, from taking risks, from meeting new people, and from moving forward.
Tomorrow will be my first day of intentionally instituted sobriety- and by that I mean, night, as that's when I do this stuff to myself. Wish me luck, and thanks for the wake-up call and support.
Last edited by nobigdeal; 01-24-2011 at 10:52 PM. Reason: Fixed typo
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