Introducing the Doctor...
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Introducing the Doctor...
Good morning, dear friends. And lovely morning it is in the Ozark mountains. The sun is bright, the snow blankets everything in a pure shroud of glistening white. The finches and squirrels are competing for the sunflower seeds and unmercifully tempting my cats viewing them behind a glass door. I set here, having my morning coffee and thinking of the visitor who came again last night.
He has been coming around frequently once more. Usually around 5 or 6 p.m. I hear his footsteps coming onto the wooden deck outside. His footfall is heavy and slovenly as he makes his way to the door, which, without hesitation, he opens and enters. Or should I say invades.
I can smell his stench when he first enters the room, a stagnate and sour smell. But his eyes are what frightens me. Watery, blood-shot orbs with a overlay of yellow in what should be white. I stare into those pools of dullness for a time before the realization comes that I, yet once more, gaze into my own mirror. The transformation has repeated its cycle as it has done for years. The elixir of which I experimented so many years ago continues to ravage the brute in the mirror. Now, with a dull wit and loose character, Hyde turns and inflicts his delusional personality on those he encounters.
In the morning, when I awake, just as today, the sun is up and Hyde is gone. The day is so much more enjoyable when his presence is void. I sit here now talking with you, but in the same instance, in the back of my mind, I am praying he will not foul my doorstep again this evening. Perhaps you could help me with this door...maybe get this lock to secure better. Perhaps a chair under the door know will help prevent his intrusion. Thank you, I believe I will sit for a while and enjoy the absence of him.
I remain your friend,
Dr. Jekyl
He has been coming around frequently once more. Usually around 5 or 6 p.m. I hear his footsteps coming onto the wooden deck outside. His footfall is heavy and slovenly as he makes his way to the door, which, without hesitation, he opens and enters. Or should I say invades.
I can smell his stench when he first enters the room, a stagnate and sour smell. But his eyes are what frightens me. Watery, blood-shot orbs with a overlay of yellow in what should be white. I stare into those pools of dullness for a time before the realization comes that I, yet once more, gaze into my own mirror. The transformation has repeated its cycle as it has done for years. The elixir of which I experimented so many years ago continues to ravage the brute in the mirror. Now, with a dull wit and loose character, Hyde turns and inflicts his delusional personality on those he encounters.
In the morning, when I awake, just as today, the sun is up and Hyde is gone. The day is so much more enjoyable when his presence is void. I sit here now talking with you, but in the same instance, in the back of my mind, I am praying he will not foul my doorstep again this evening. Perhaps you could help me with this door...maybe get this lock to secure better. Perhaps a chair under the door know will help prevent his intrusion. Thank you, I believe I will sit for a while and enjoy the absence of him.
I remain your friend,
Dr. Jekyl
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Incredible writing, Creekryder. You know, I'll bet you could really put your skills to use describing your experiences of getting sober and going through early sobriety, too..... Get a new journal and start today, Day 1, and instead of picking up that first drink tonight, WRITE! It might really help. And if you share it with others, it might help them too.
Anyway, I'm glad you posted. I'll be sending prayers your way. This disease takes away so much from us and I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling.
Anyway, I'm glad you posted. I'll be sending prayers your way. This disease takes away so much from us and I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
I'm sad, too!
Make a decision to not drink today. Shake up your evening routine. When 5pm comes, go out for a walk, go out for dinner, go to a movie, do something different. Get through the tough period.
Make a decision to not drink today. Shake up your evening routine. When 5pm comes, go out for a walk, go out for dinner, go to a movie, do something different. Get through the tough period.
Burn to ashes, rise in flames
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The mitten state
Posts: 22
Dear Dr. Jekyl,
I'm sorry to hear about your visitor. I would be happy to help you secure your premises. Maybe it would help you to talk to other people who are getting this same visitor, and you could develop a strategy together to keep him from coming in. It's hard to keep him out by yourself. Your writing is beautiful. I do some writing as well; it is important to have an outlet, a way to deal with the dark forces that drive you to open the door to the visitor.
I'm sorry to hear about your visitor. I would be happy to help you secure your premises. Maybe it would help you to talk to other people who are getting this same visitor, and you could develop a strategy together to keep him from coming in. It's hard to keep him out by yourself. Your writing is beautiful. I do some writing as well; it is important to have an outlet, a way to deal with the dark forces that drive you to open the door to the visitor.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,947
As I have briefly read through your past post I see you have before put some sober time together. So now is the time to draw from the success of your past and venture into newer methods of recovery.
Maybe look into some articles regarding addiction. Here at Secular Connections various SR members have compiled some useful links regarding recovery related information. I find those articles to be a great motivational tool. Speaking of tools, SMART Recovery has a comprehensive recovery tool chest. Maybe have a look at them.
Regardless of the path to wellness you chose, you'll find plenty of support here at SR. As I see you have done that in the past. Anywho, you know as well as I that recovery is possible. I hope you will have many successful sober days strung together. I find a caring and supportive atmosphere along with a good treatment plan can go a long way in maintaining a sober lifestyle. With much regards: a positive transformation to you
Maybe look into some articles regarding addiction. Here at Secular Connections various SR members have compiled some useful links regarding recovery related information. I find those articles to be a great motivational tool. Speaking of tools, SMART Recovery has a comprehensive recovery tool chest. Maybe have a look at them.
Regardless of the path to wellness you chose, you'll find plenty of support here at SR. As I see you have done that in the past. Anywho, you know as well as I that recovery is possible. I hope you will have many successful sober days strung together. I find a caring and supportive atmosphere along with a good treatment plan can go a long way in maintaining a sober lifestyle. With much regards: a positive transformation to you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Your the only one that can lock or unlock the door Creek. Stop waiting for miracles and get active in your own recovery. We can offer support but cannot make the choice for you. While your sitting there enjoying nature, make a plan for yourself. Get some help and start your road to recovery. We all have to be responsible for our own lives and decisions.
Find your strength and start living again. Today! Find the miracle, don't wait for it.
Best Wishes To You!
Find your strength and start living again. Today! Find the miracle, don't wait for it.
Best Wishes To You!
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Thx to all for your thoughts. I write to warn others as well as reminding myself of reality.
Opivotal, I fully understand choices, believe me. And miracles? I'm sorry but I have not believed in them for years. I am in a dark place at this moment. But the hope lie in the fact that I recognize it. If I fail at sobriety, I will not neglect to display that failure as it is, and with hopes that, as the sacred clowns of the Hopi, the reversal of my actions will be the lesson to learn.
Opivotal, I fully understand choices, believe me. And miracles? I'm sorry but I have not believed in them for years. I am in a dark place at this moment. But the hope lie in the fact that I recognize it. If I fail at sobriety, I will not neglect to display that failure as it is, and with hopes that, as the sacred clowns of the Hopi, the reversal of my actions will be the lesson to learn.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: The "beltway"
Posts: 785
Creekryder, what a powerful and sad account. I feel that person had visited me so many times before.
Mornings are where I like to be now, I go to bed early 9p.m.
Check in with us, post hourly when you hear that knock at the door, there is always someone home at SR to give you support.
Mornings are where I like to be now, I go to bed early 9p.m.
Check in with us, post hourly when you hear that knock at the door, there is always someone home at SR to give you support.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,947
Originally Posted by Creekryder 
Thx to all for your thoughts. I write to warn others as well as reminding myself of reality.
Opivotal, I fully understand choices, believe me. And miracles? I'm sorry but I have not believed in them for years. I am in a dark place at this moment. But the hope lie in the fact that I recognize it. If I fail at sobriety, I will not neglect to display that failure as it is, and with hopes that, as the sacred clowns of the Hopi, the reversal of my actions will be the lesson to learn.
Opivotal, I fully understand choices, believe me. And miracles? I'm sorry but I have not believed in them for years. I am in a dark place at this moment. But the hope lie in the fact that I recognize it. If I fail at sobriety, I will not neglect to display that failure as it is, and with hopes that, as the sacred clowns of the Hopi, the reversal of my actions will be the lesson to learn.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Your post makes me very sad Creek. We've all been in that "Dark Place". I know it all to well. Sounds to me like you've given up. I hope I'm wrong. I really do, for your sake.
Take good care Creek. Check in and let us know how your doing. Maybe we can help you catch a glimpse of light.
:ghug3
Take good care Creek. Check in and let us know how your doing. Maybe we can help you catch a glimpse of light.
:ghug3
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
With kindness I say I deserve nor want pity. I am the sole proprietor of my life: no gods, no devils, only the ones that I create of my own volition choose my directions. I am bitter with myself and with no other people. I know I will shake my head enough to allow the clear thinking to return. You are correct, Nogard, a clear head functions much better. But the footsteps come tonight regardless of clarity or not. Whether I open that door remains paramount issue for tonight. If I don't write back tonight will be my witness.
Peace
Peace
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,947
Originally Posted by Creekryder
With kindness I say I deserve nor want pity. I am the sole proprietor of my life: no gods, no devils, only the ones that I create of my own volition choose my directions. I am bitter with myself and with no other people. I know I will shake my head enough to allow the clear thinking to return. You are correct, Nogard, a clear head functions much better. But the footsteps come tonight regardless of clarity or not. Whether I open that door remains paramount issue for tonight. If I don't write back tonight will be my witness.
Peace
Peace
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm glad you're back Pat.
I hope you decide to end this struggle once and for all.
Miracles do happen - if we open our hearts and minds and leave the trappings behind.
I've seen them - experienced them - and I'm nothing special.
There's a million things to write and sing about in the light, my friend
D
I hope you decide to end this struggle once and for all.
Miracles do happen - if we open our hearts and minds and leave the trappings behind.
I've seen them - experienced them - and I'm nothing special.
There's a million things to write and sing about in the light, my friend
D
Cause no harm
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
Mark, I hope I have not led anyone astray. THERE IS NO ROMANCING ANYWHERE IN MY WRITINGS. If there are any misconceptions here, it must be clarified now. Anyone seeing this view is very much mistaken. To have yourself disintegrate in such a manner has no romantic image whatsoever.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Dear Padraic, We exchanged a few private messages last February. At that time you were carefully monitoring your intake, but questioned why you were doing any drinking at all - you said you knew you were on a slippery slope. It saddens me to think you've been struggling all that time - and I wish I'd been of more help. I am sorry you're in such pain - all I can hope is that you'll choose a different path before serious health issues, or other miseries, take over your life. I know we're all hoping you'll return tomorrow. Love, Joanie
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