The Myth of Sisyphus
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
The Myth of Sisyphus
I'm on day 61. It feels very strange now. I'm over the two month hump. I've not been this sober for this long since I was 27. I'm 36 now. I've lost ten pounds and quit smoking in that time. I've also been getting quality job interviews and my online business is growing. All good right.
I think about drinking again now. Do I believe I will be able to handle it again? That hardly seems possible. I've not been able to handle drinking for many years. I lost the last 5 years to drink and regret. My greatest hope is that through therapy I will be able to address the issues that drove me to drink and thus allow me to return to earth. Much of the time I feel very isolated.
In two months I've saved almost $2,000 by not drinking and smoking. As well as the late night pizza runs and other junk food associated with drinking. I"m working towards getting back in shape as my life is not over and there is no need to be fat and single.
Sisyphus was condemned by the gods to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity only to have it roll back down and start again. Is that what I am doing?
61 days. So many days behind me but also so many ahead.
What's that you say, "One day at a time..." go stuff your platitudes.
Feeling confused and a little bitter I guess.
I think about drinking again now. Do I believe I will be able to handle it again? That hardly seems possible. I've not been able to handle drinking for many years. I lost the last 5 years to drink and regret. My greatest hope is that through therapy I will be able to address the issues that drove me to drink and thus allow me to return to earth. Much of the time I feel very isolated.
In two months I've saved almost $2,000 by not drinking and smoking. As well as the late night pizza runs and other junk food associated with drinking. I"m working towards getting back in shape as my life is not over and there is no need to be fat and single.
Sisyphus was condemned by the gods to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity only to have it roll back down and start again. Is that what I am doing?
61 days. So many days behind me but also so many ahead.
What's that you say, "One day at a time..." go stuff your platitudes.
Feeling confused and a little bitter I guess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
No I don't feel it is a burden. I've actually enjoyed recovery. I feel like I may relapse and have to do it all again.
As the days get strung together I don't think at 3pm everyday it's time to go to the liquor store but thoughts do creep in. Especially movie and TV when they glamorize the happy funny drunk.
As the days get strung together I don't think at 3pm everyday it's time to go to the liquor store but thoughts do creep in. Especially movie and TV when they glamorize the happy funny drunk.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by Tendencies 
My greatest hope is that through therapy I will be able to address the issues that drove me to drink and thus allow me to return to earth.
Do you mean return to 'normal' drinking?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 31
Go for it! You deserve sobriety!
Lets face it the chances of recovery from alcoholism are small. The person at any given meeting next to you will probably drink again and may die from it....
You're not responsible for you addiction but you are responsible for your recovery....
Lets face it the chances of recovery from alcoholism are small. The person at any given meeting next to you will probably drink again and may die from it....
You're not responsible for you addiction but you are responsible for your recovery....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
While you are waiting to get into counseling ...you might
consider adding AA to your recovery....
For me...keeping AA connected is an awesome adventure
and it's certainly never isolating or boring...
Congratulations on your progress
consider adding AA to your recovery....
For me...keeping AA connected is an awesome adventure
and it's certainly never isolating or boring...
Congratulations on your progress
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Tendencies
Feeling confused and a little bitter I guess.
. I remember feeling like that a lot... Now the bitterness has left me, for the most part... a lot of the confusion too... Having a program of recovery was immensely helpful... focus, goals, results, being around others...My dad was in AA 25 years before he died... Knowing he found peace and sobriety... and not just a little, fun.... in AA... made it much easier for me to walk into the rooms the first time, even though he had passed 10 years previously. I had many dreams early on where he came into the very same meeting I was attending...
What was your father's experience in AA? What did his sobriety mean to you?
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
My father took me to meetings when I was a child. After my mother left him due to drinking. I guess it was losing his wife and kids that really shook him up and woke him up.
Going to AA at 10 years old for me was very scary. I remember thinking these people were broken. I thought some of the stories they told were funny. My father became very wrapped up in AA. He still goes almost everyday. It's like it filled a void in him. He's been sober for over thirty years. I'm proud of him for it. But alcohol was not his problem. His problem was a series of devastating events in his childhood. Alcoholism was a symptom of a greater mental health issue.
As a child who went to AA I would not recommend bringing your children there. That's my experience anyway. I can remember only seeing my father intermittently during and after his "recovery." He became a sponsor wand would receive calls form those who needed help all the time. He would leave me and go tend to that crisis. I guess he wanted to help them but he should have started a little closer to home. My dad was an *&^hole drunk but he was still a *&$hole sober. He actually told me that once after a few years of being sober. He was surprised I think. Getting sober is not the end of your problems.
The same goes for me. I have a suspicion that this might be true for many people. It's not the alcohol it's an underlying issue. But that's just an opinion.
I'm not religious and that has also meant I'm not to into the AA way. The idea of admitting powerlessness is abhorrent to me as well.
So yeah. Not a huge fan of AA but I know it helps many people. I am in therapy and I do read the posts here on SR. They have helped me immensely.
I'm just a little tired today I guess. And using the forums to vent a bit. It helps.
Thanks all.
Going to AA at 10 years old for me was very scary. I remember thinking these people were broken. I thought some of the stories they told were funny. My father became very wrapped up in AA. He still goes almost everyday. It's like it filled a void in him. He's been sober for over thirty years. I'm proud of him for it. But alcohol was not his problem. His problem was a series of devastating events in his childhood. Alcoholism was a symptom of a greater mental health issue.
As a child who went to AA I would not recommend bringing your children there. That's my experience anyway. I can remember only seeing my father intermittently during and after his "recovery." He became a sponsor wand would receive calls form those who needed help all the time. He would leave me and go tend to that crisis. I guess he wanted to help them but he should have started a little closer to home. My dad was an *&^hole drunk but he was still a *&$hole sober. He actually told me that once after a few years of being sober. He was surprised I think. Getting sober is not the end of your problems.
The same goes for me. I have a suspicion that this might be true for many people. It's not the alcohol it's an underlying issue. But that's just an opinion.
I'm not religious and that has also meant I'm not to into the AA way. The idea of admitting powerlessness is abhorrent to me as well.
So yeah. Not a huge fan of AA but I know it helps many people. I am in therapy and I do read the posts here on SR. They have helped me immensely.
I'm just a little tired today I guess. And using the forums to vent a bit. It helps.
Thanks all.
Riding Barefoot
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 452
Tendencies- powerlessness means you are powerless over alcohol; it controls you and not the other way around. That's all. People tend to fall into one of 2 categories: they control alcohol or vice versa. Alcohol controlled me, and so I believe I am an alcoholic and always will be.
My job now is to stay away from it, regain control of my life, and learn how to live sober. That means dealing with life without alcohol. No, your problems won't go away; you must find the proper tools to face them head on and cope. Alcohol won't do that.
I don't think I am telling you anything you don't know. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this and please don't pick up again. You can't. Don't dream about the possibility. Find another way. Keep coming to SR. Keep doing what you are doing, because it is working.
My job now is to stay away from it, regain control of my life, and learn how to live sober. That means dealing with life without alcohol. No, your problems won't go away; you must find the proper tools to face them head on and cope. Alcohol won't do that.
I don't think I am telling you anything you don't know. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this and please don't pick up again. You can't. Don't dream about the possibility. Find another way. Keep coming to SR. Keep doing what you are doing, because it is working.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 24
Sisyphus condemned to push a boulder uphill only to have it roll back down. There really is no better analogy for how I feel with my history of relapses as well. Well put. Though we are not conemned by the gods to that viscious cycle. We are only condemned by ourselves, and we can break that cycle at our choosing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Tendencies!
Something that has helped me immensely is a change in perspective...I did not give up drinking...I embraced sobriety. I do not let thoughts of glamorizing drinking enter my head...if I see it on TV or in a movie I think they are delusional...how can drinking expensive poison that tastes like crap be sexy? Its like the emperors clothes...once you see alcohol as the poison it is it is much easier to be happy in sobriety. Add to that therapy and working on the self and I don't feel like Sisyphus. I don't feel like it is a constant uphill struggle that I am doomed to repeat fro the rest of my life. Rather I view it as an amazing opportunity to be the best me possible...to explore my potential fully.
Hope that helps.
LaFemme
Something that has helped me immensely is a change in perspective...I did not give up drinking...I embraced sobriety. I do not let thoughts of glamorizing drinking enter my head...if I see it on TV or in a movie I think they are delusional...how can drinking expensive poison that tastes like crap be sexy? Its like the emperors clothes...once you see alcohol as the poison it is it is much easier to be happy in sobriety. Add to that therapy and working on the self and I don't feel like Sisyphus. I don't feel like it is a constant uphill struggle that I am doomed to repeat fro the rest of my life. Rather I view it as an amazing opportunity to be the best me possible...to explore my potential fully.
Hope that helps.
LaFemme
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 265
Hey, congratulations on your sober time! I think I can relate to that feeling. Just before my relapse after almost 7 months of sobriety, I felt like self-destruction was stalking me. It seemed imminent. Part of the reason I gave in was to relieve those waiting for the other shoe to drop feelings. The good news is, I can look back and recognize that now. I had a choice as to whether or not I entertained certain thoughts and allow them to convince me they were my destiny. I may only have 50 days now, but the quality of my recovery is far healthier this time than it was at 6 months then. My boulder might have rolled back down the hill that time, but I'm taking a different pathway up this time, brought some new tools and enlisted the help of others to keep from slipping.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Tendencies
It's not the alcohol it's an underlying issue.
Hey, AA is always there if you want it. I am not trying to push it on anyone, though maybe sometimes my willingness to share my own experience in the program may come across as such. I felt like I could broach the subject because you quote your father in your signature...
My own father entered AA after I had grown up and moved on... out of the broken household that alcohol, and other stuff, had left in it's wake. Like your father, it was a divorce that woke my own father up... But I do not share your experience of being taken to meetings so young and having the feeling that AA took him away from me... In fact for me and my siblings, AA is what brought him back to us.
Thanx for your honesty and willingness to share.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Tendencies
I felt like Sisyphus for a lot of years too. Then I stopped playing with the damn rock and got on with a new life.
You can too.
Don't lose faith in your ability to do this. I used to drink all day everyday for years - now I'm nearly 4 years sober. Some days are hard - like anyone's life - but I finally got into my head that a drink won't help me.
One day at a time isn't a platitude - not the way I read it.
It's a recognition that all we can do is live in today - you, me, alcoholics, addicts and 'normal people' - there's no man so powerful he can change yesterday or make tomorrow do what he wants.
Today is all we have. When times get tough I know I can stay sober today. I've done that before.
You're doing great Tendencies - my advice is try not to overthink it too much.
D
I felt like Sisyphus for a lot of years too. Then I stopped playing with the damn rock and got on with a new life.
You can too.
Don't lose faith in your ability to do this. I used to drink all day everyday for years - now I'm nearly 4 years sober. Some days are hard - like anyone's life - but I finally got into my head that a drink won't help me.
One day at a time isn't a platitude - not the way I read it.
It's a recognition that all we can do is live in today - you, me, alcoholics, addicts and 'normal people' - there's no man so powerful he can change yesterday or make tomorrow do what he wants.
Today is all we have. When times get tough I know I can stay sober today. I've done that before.
You're doing great Tendencies - my advice is try not to overthink it too much.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
So I push my boulder up the hill. I dig my heels in, grit my teeth and push again.
It's funny I get some PM's from others who quit around the same time as me and the message is all pretty similar. A bitterness. A sense of loss. The unfairness.
We are not children. Many things in life are not fair and will continue to be that way. Sometimes my sobriety is a blessing but sometimes it feels like a curse. I have to feel everything again. All the hurts and disappointments. The regrets and the losses. I'm not surprised I'm an alcoholic anymore. Looking around at the world I'm surprised there aren't more of us.
I'm hoping the boulder won't crush me on the way back down the hill.
I'm not going to drink. It's a hard push though. Sorry to whine and thanks for the support.
It's funny I get some PM's from others who quit around the same time as me and the message is all pretty similar. A bitterness. A sense of loss. The unfairness.
We are not children. Many things in life are not fair and will continue to be that way. Sometimes my sobriety is a blessing but sometimes it feels like a curse. I have to feel everything again. All the hurts and disappointments. The regrets and the losses. I'm not surprised I'm an alcoholic anymore. Looking around at the world I'm surprised there aren't more of us.
I'm hoping the boulder won't crush me on the way back down the hill.
I'm not going to drink. It's a hard push though. Sorry to whine and thanks for the support.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Ok, not pushing AA on you at all, but wanted to share my experience with something that always helps me when I'm feeling that life isn't fair (and it was learned in AA).
Help someone else.
It works. Everytime.
Help someone else.
It works. Everytime.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Tendencies
Sisyphus was condemned by the gods to roll a boulder up a hill for eternity only to have it roll back down and start again. Is that what I am doing?
Recovery is not-drinking and feeling good about it.
If you view your sobriety as a burden, sooner or later you will want to put it down and take a rest. If you view recovery as better way of life, it can last and grow indefinitely.
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