The Myth of Sisyphus
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Maybe you should keep your Sisyphus idea in your head as you go. You get to control whether that myth plays out or not. You know exactly what would happen (the boulder can only go down and you would have to follow it).
I take note of the bitterness you are admitting to, but you don't sound as fearful or dazed as I remember. Everything took a ton of courage. Once I was past the first month or two (around this time last year), I shut down. So if you're not having that, you can see it as a plus (or an "at least").
There might be more periods of elation for you soon. I had them.
Anyway, there really isn't a rock there to worry about. It's there if we let it be. If you get fancy ideas though, you can remind yourself of your little Sisyphus lesson.
There will come a point in time - I speculate - when you will be less of a day counter. That's when you own your choices more, because the old options are not there in your mind anymore. It will still mean something special to you to know that you have X months (I checked how many days I was at recently, I am somewhere in the 430s or something like that). But you can reach a stage when "any day is a sober day" as opposed to "I am on day 61 of no drinking." Every aspect of the body has to grow its new skin and every cavern in the mind rid of its webs and crap.
I take note of the bitterness you are admitting to, but you don't sound as fearful or dazed as I remember. Everything took a ton of courage. Once I was past the first month or two (around this time last year), I shut down. So if you're not having that, you can see it as a plus (or an "at least").
There might be more periods of elation for you soon. I had them.
Anyway, there really isn't a rock there to worry about. It's there if we let it be. If you get fancy ideas though, you can remind yourself of your little Sisyphus lesson.
There will come a point in time - I speculate - when you will be less of a day counter. That's when you own your choices more, because the old options are not there in your mind anymore. It will still mean something special to you to know that you have X months (I checked how many days I was at recently, I am somewhere in the 430s or something like that). But you can reach a stage when "any day is a sober day" as opposed to "I am on day 61 of no drinking." Every aspect of the body has to grow its new skin and every cavern in the mind rid of its webs and crap.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I agree with you Toronto68.
In the beginning I was acutely aware of what day I was on. I'm not sure when I stopped counting, stopped secretly counting. just a few weeks ago my brother asked me how long it's been since I stopped and I honestly had to think. Nearing 6 years. There are even times when I don't remember that person who drank, because I am no longer that person. It IS difficult for a time and then it becomes different and life as you begin to know it.... goes on. Try to remember someone told you that once.
In the beginning I was acutely aware of what day I was on. I'm not sure when I stopped counting, stopped secretly counting. just a few weeks ago my brother asked me how long it's been since I stopped and I honestly had to think. Nearing 6 years. There are even times when I don't remember that person who drank, because I am no longer that person. It IS difficult for a time and then it becomes different and life as you begin to know it.... goes on. Try to remember someone told you that once.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea I think I get what your saying GerryP... I will respect Dee and try not to get too far of course... and I hope I will be given this latitude, because I'll try to get back on topic...
When I was ten, Gerry.... my parents had already given me beers to take to the swing set... by the time I was twelve they had passed me my first joint... And my parents loved me, they never abused or neglected me... I know people in the rooms whose alcoholic parents were capable of extreme stuff.... Stuff anyone would shake their heads at...
There are much worse things a parent can do than to try and sober up and go to AA and have to take their son along because maybe there is no one to watch him at home... There was a thread recently that anyone can bump if we want to take this further...
I would hope that whatever tendencies decides as his path of recovery that he can forgive his father his path... I liked boleo's post, I wanted to say something along those same lines... Recovery is hard at first, but it shouldn't be an eternity of pushing a boulder up a hill... if that's what it seems like, than try another path of recovery... and don't let impressions you may have formed when you were ten bias you against any kind of program
When I was ten, Gerry.... my parents had already given me beers to take to the swing set... by the time I was twelve they had passed me my first joint... And my parents loved me, they never abused or neglected me... I know people in the rooms whose alcoholic parents were capable of extreme stuff.... Stuff anyone would shake their heads at...
There are much worse things a parent can do than to try and sober up and go to AA and have to take their son along because maybe there is no one to watch him at home... There was a thread recently that anyone can bump if we want to take this further...
I would hope that whatever tendencies decides as his path of recovery that he can forgive his father his path... I liked boleo's post, I wanted to say something along those same lines... Recovery is hard at first, but it shouldn't be an eternity of pushing a boulder up a hill... if that's what it seems like, than try another path of recovery... and don't let impressions you may have formed when you were ten bias you against any kind of program
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
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Originally Posted by Tendencies 
So I push my boulder up the hill. I dig my heels in, grit my teeth and push again.
It's funny I get some PM's from others who quit around the same time as me and the message is all pretty similar. A bitterness. A sense of loss. The unfairness.
It's funny I get some PM's from others who quit around the same time as me and the message is all pretty similar. A bitterness. A sense of loss. The unfairness.
I've only been sober for a few months but I do remember the sense of loss and the 'it's not fairs'. I think it was more alcoholic thinking, in retrospect. A normal drinker just doesn't care that much about alcohol to mourn it. It doesn't add that much to their lives. So if I felt that kind of yearning/romanticizing I'd just nod at my alcoholic self. "that's more of your nonsense" and move on with my day.
IME acknowledging it was helpful but dwelling on it was not.
I think you're doing great.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
I think I understand what the point is.
I am counting days. But I am not counting all the days anymore like a did the first month. But I still do it to some extent.
Embracing sobriety. I can see that is key. A way of life.
Most drinkers start up again. My dad did not but he must have had lots of false starts. He's told me about having rules to drinking. Like I tried. Not before 5pm and not at this bar or that bar. It did not work. It did not work for me.
I still think that therapy is the way to address the underlying issues that lead me to drink. Does that mean I can drink when I have dealt with those issues? I doubt it. I used booze to destroy myself. As much as trying to be sober feels like pushing a boulder up a hill the same could be said for drinking. We all pushed a boulder up a hill and then it ran us over. They higher we push the farther it has to drop.
Thanks again all
I am counting days. But I am not counting all the days anymore like a did the first month. But I still do it to some extent.
Embracing sobriety. I can see that is key. A way of life.
Most drinkers start up again. My dad did not but he must have had lots of false starts. He's told me about having rules to drinking. Like I tried. Not before 5pm and not at this bar or that bar. It did not work. It did not work for me.
I still think that therapy is the way to address the underlying issues that lead me to drink. Does that mean I can drink when I have dealt with those issues? I doubt it. I used booze to destroy myself. As much as trying to be sober feels like pushing a boulder up a hill the same could be said for drinking. We all pushed a boulder up a hill and then it ran us over. They higher we push the farther it has to drop.
Thanks again all
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