50 Days Today! What I've learned...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
50 Days Today! What I've learned...
Hi all. Today is Day 50. It seems crazy to think that my alcoholic self has made it 50 days without picking up a drink. I can't even begin to describe how big my obsession to drink was. I thought I'd write down some stuff that I've learned that way I can look back one day and see where I was and reflect. Also, if it helps anyone newer than me than great. But the point is to write down my take on sobriety from a perspective of a man that is 50 days sober. So here goes...
1. I don't know crap! I have spent my entire life trying to think, analyze, question, ponder, and fight life. From my parents when I was a kid, to school, to my wife, to employers, to politics, to sports teams, etc... I had an opinion on EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! Any random thought that popped into my head qualified as an opinion. That was stubbling block for me in recovery. I thought that my feeling at any given moment was my stance on an issue. In the past 50 days I have kept on saying replaying in my head over and over "More will be revealed later"... meaning that just because I feel / think one way now, doesn't mean that I will feel that way in a week or two. My biggest example of this is AA. Upon arrival I thought, "How am I ever going to develop a relationship with God. I can't do that, therefore this entire program is not for me". Again, I don't know crap. By showing up and being being willing, more will be revealed later.
2. Actions are far more important than intentions. For YEARS I have wanted to change my life. I would sit there (often drunk) and create a plan of action. I would have plans, sub-plans, ways to log my progress, etc... I never followed through with anything. I always thought I must not have planned properly. In recovery, I have finally come to the conclusion that it's much more important what I do, rather than what I think I want to do or what I plan on doing. My feelings follow my actions, not the other way around.
3. The "bad days" are so much harder than I thought they'd be (and that's OK!). When I was drinking, if I was having a bad day, I'd pour alcohol on the problem and eventually my feelings pertaining to the bad day were numbed to the point of not caring about it (for that night). In recovery, I have no filter for negative feelings or bad days. I have cried more in the past 50 days than I have in the past 10 years. I'm not saying that I'm a basket case, but I am saying that I am forced to "feel" life for the first time without the filter of alcohol or drugs.
4. My expectations of life and myself have been far too high for far too long. I have learned in my step work that I am a perfectionist when it comes to me. I need to be funny, thin, successful, understanding, witty, father of the year, employee of the month, and husband of the decade. THIS IS POISON for this alcoholic. Every time I fall short of these expectations (which is more than often!) I feel bad about myself. I start in with the self loathing. And then I look for my medicine (alcohol). This is where the actions over feelings comes in. If I can look back on my day and see where I was actively trying to do the right thing and participate in life then it's been a good day.
5. Most people don't drink like I do. When I first quit I was consumed with "I'm not going to drink and everyone is going to notice, or how can I go out with people I work with and not drink, or how am I going to get through the holidays and not drink, or how am I going to play golf and not drink"... ONLY I DRINK THE WAY I DO. Most people (even drinkers) don't care how I drink and don't drink like I drink. Hence the reason I go to AA and they don't. I was so consumed with alcohol when I was active that I was consumed with every one else's drinking. I was constantly justifying my own drinking through others. "He just had his 3ed beer in an hour, he's like me, or "He's been nursing that effing beer for and hour, what's wrong with him, he must be a big wimp"... Constantly judging, analyzing, thinking (see point 1 lol) about others behavior in an attempt to justify my thoughts / actions. I am being serious, I have only met two people that drink like I do, and I consider both to be raging alcoholics. Everyone else I know doesn't drink like me....
6. I am a better person when I don't drink. I don't lie as often, call in sick as much, I don't lie in bed all day and claim I have the flu, I am there for my kids, I find true joy in being with my family and don't see them as a barrier seperating my drinking from me, I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror, I don't hate you for not needing the drink like I do, I can see how hard my parents tried and don't constantly dwell on their mistakes - I can see that they were just human beings trying to do their best, I don't regret the past and want to change it, I can see the true good in the fellowship I have gained in AA and not judge every single person in the room, I can truly care for people and have seen that there really is good in the world.... Drinking adversely affects every aspect in my life....
Ahhhh.... I feel better. Sorry for the book. I just thought I'd share what's going on in this brain of mine. The moral of the story is I have learned so much in the past 50 days. If I had to point to one thing, it's I have learned that I really knew very little when coming into sobriety. I still think my world view is in it's infancy stage right now. Every day I learn from you guys, through your what you say, what you don't say, and what you do. I drank so much for so long because inside I was a scared little boy who was suppose to be an adult but truly didn't know how. Today, I am learning. I am so grateful for this site, you people, AA, my family, etc... If things go as planned (there I go thinking again) I will look back on this post and think "man, I didn't know anything back then"... I'm a work in progress and as long as I keep doing what I've been doing and not drink, I think I will continue to grow as a person.
Off to a meeting now... Take care everyone!!!!
1. I don't know crap! I have spent my entire life trying to think, analyze, question, ponder, and fight life. From my parents when I was a kid, to school, to my wife, to employers, to politics, to sports teams, etc... I had an opinion on EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! Any random thought that popped into my head qualified as an opinion. That was stubbling block for me in recovery. I thought that my feeling at any given moment was my stance on an issue. In the past 50 days I have kept on saying replaying in my head over and over "More will be revealed later"... meaning that just because I feel / think one way now, doesn't mean that I will feel that way in a week or two. My biggest example of this is AA. Upon arrival I thought, "How am I ever going to develop a relationship with God. I can't do that, therefore this entire program is not for me". Again, I don't know crap. By showing up and being being willing, more will be revealed later.
2. Actions are far more important than intentions. For YEARS I have wanted to change my life. I would sit there (often drunk) and create a plan of action. I would have plans, sub-plans, ways to log my progress, etc... I never followed through with anything. I always thought I must not have planned properly. In recovery, I have finally come to the conclusion that it's much more important what I do, rather than what I think I want to do or what I plan on doing. My feelings follow my actions, not the other way around.
3. The "bad days" are so much harder than I thought they'd be (and that's OK!). When I was drinking, if I was having a bad day, I'd pour alcohol on the problem and eventually my feelings pertaining to the bad day were numbed to the point of not caring about it (for that night). In recovery, I have no filter for negative feelings or bad days. I have cried more in the past 50 days than I have in the past 10 years. I'm not saying that I'm a basket case, but I am saying that I am forced to "feel" life for the first time without the filter of alcohol or drugs.
4. My expectations of life and myself have been far too high for far too long. I have learned in my step work that I am a perfectionist when it comes to me. I need to be funny, thin, successful, understanding, witty, father of the year, employee of the month, and husband of the decade. THIS IS POISON for this alcoholic. Every time I fall short of these expectations (which is more than often!) I feel bad about myself. I start in with the self loathing. And then I look for my medicine (alcohol). This is where the actions over feelings comes in. If I can look back on my day and see where I was actively trying to do the right thing and participate in life then it's been a good day.
5. Most people don't drink like I do. When I first quit I was consumed with "I'm not going to drink and everyone is going to notice, or how can I go out with people I work with and not drink, or how am I going to get through the holidays and not drink, or how am I going to play golf and not drink"... ONLY I DRINK THE WAY I DO. Most people (even drinkers) don't care how I drink and don't drink like I drink. Hence the reason I go to AA and they don't. I was so consumed with alcohol when I was active that I was consumed with every one else's drinking. I was constantly justifying my own drinking through others. "He just had his 3ed beer in an hour, he's like me, or "He's been nursing that effing beer for and hour, what's wrong with him, he must be a big wimp"... Constantly judging, analyzing, thinking (see point 1 lol) about others behavior in an attempt to justify my thoughts / actions. I am being serious, I have only met two people that drink like I do, and I consider both to be raging alcoholics. Everyone else I know doesn't drink like me....
6. I am a better person when I don't drink. I don't lie as often, call in sick as much, I don't lie in bed all day and claim I have the flu, I am there for my kids, I find true joy in being with my family and don't see them as a barrier seperating my drinking from me, I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror, I don't hate you for not needing the drink like I do, I can see how hard my parents tried and don't constantly dwell on their mistakes - I can see that they were just human beings trying to do their best, I don't regret the past and want to change it, I can see the true good in the fellowship I have gained in AA and not judge every single person in the room, I can truly care for people and have seen that there really is good in the world.... Drinking adversely affects every aspect in my life....
Ahhhh.... I feel better. Sorry for the book. I just thought I'd share what's going on in this brain of mine. The moral of the story is I have learned so much in the past 50 days. If I had to point to one thing, it's I have learned that I really knew very little when coming into sobriety. I still think my world view is in it's infancy stage right now. Every day I learn from you guys, through your what you say, what you don't say, and what you do. I drank so much for so long because inside I was a scared little boy who was suppose to be an adult but truly didn't know how. Today, I am learning. I am so grateful for this site, you people, AA, my family, etc... If things go as planned (there I go thinking again) I will look back on this post and think "man, I didn't know anything back then"... I'm a work in progress and as long as I keep doing what I've been doing and not drink, I think I will continue to grow as a person.
Off to a meeting now... Take care everyone!!!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Big congrats on 50 days sober!!
I too like myself so much better sober. I'm awake and aware and much smarter than I was while drinking. My brain works right and my body is so grateful I'm not poisoning it anymore. Living sober really rocks!
I too like myself so much better sober. I'm awake and aware and much smarter than I was while drinking. My brain works right and my body is so grateful I'm not poisoning it anymore. Living sober really rocks!
Burn to ashes, rise in flames
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The mitten state
Posts: 22
I love this post. So proud of you, Reggie, and the positive changes you have made. I can relate to a lot of the things you said. Keep being kind to yourself. I'm at day 10 and I can't wait to be at day 50!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
reggiewayne,
I was trying to explain personal exceptionalism to someone who is not a drunk.
Wow, this post is great and explains it perfectly.
I did tell him (my friend) I was always just in my head. Not a good place.
Thank you for the powerful insightful post.
Beth
I was trying to explain personal exceptionalism to someone who is not a drunk.
Wow, this post is great and explains it perfectly.
I did tell him (my friend) I was always just in my head. Not a good place.
Thank you for the powerful insightful post.
Beth
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
GREAT post. You are speaking my language. I "get" every one of those things on your list (well, maybe not the stuff about fatherhood, lol), and I think that is why AA works so well. We alcoholics have a lot more similarities than we do differences. The deep down inside stuff is SO similar for most of us.
Congrats on the 50 days!! More WILL be revealed... Stay tuned.
Congrats on the 50 days!! More WILL be revealed...
Stay tuned.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 91
Congratualtions Reggie! I relate to so many of your points, especially No.5. I used to compare myself constantly with others in a bar/party etc. The silly thing was that I knew exactly what my own situation was, I guess I was just trying to justify my alcoholism by finding others that drank like me. On another point.......a few months ago I was on a long haul flight (I used to be drunk constantly on long haul and once woke up holding the hand of the lady sitting next to me! Man that was embarrassing!) and relatively newly sober and had a good look around. The thing I noticed was that almost no one was drinking! I was amazed as I thought everyone got smashed on free booze on long haul flights. I was in fact the odd one out when drinking to oblivion on those flights. Anyway I digress. Congratualtions Reggie!
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