Nikkle

I go to a 12 step workbook class at Celebrate Recovery. Our first lesson was on denial. I found this topic perplexing as the one thing people say about me most often is how amazed they are at my honesty and openness. My inventory of faults is an open book to anyone of appropriate age. So when it was my turn to say what I was in denial of, I felt clueless, but also realized what I would think if I heard someone else say they had none. So at the time, all I could say is I really couldn't think of anything, but that it must mean I was in denial of my denial, so I would pray that God would show me.

That night, our newly appointed group leader gave me a ride home as my license has been suspended for one year because of my dui. She had called me the day before to see if I needed one because since I lost my license, I have shown up not knowing how I would be getting home, just trusting God that I would. She said trusting God was a good thing, but part of recovery is also making a plan. I have gone to great lengths to be proactive in the other areas of my recovery so it was curious that I have left these ends untied.

Before the suspension had started, I had expressed to my group my worry about transportation and how it was very hard for me to ask because I was so used to being self-sufficient. We all had member phone lists and were encouraged to call each other for support and friendship. I forced myself to call people, but felt hesitant to burden others with all the concerns swimming through my head. I started forcing myself to call, instructing myself to just ask about them and listen to them. To be sure not to inquire about my upcoming need for transportation as that would make it look like my only reason for calling was because I wanted something.
When the day finally came that I could no longer drive and I did need a ride, I swallowed my pride and called a gal who lived near me. She asked many questions about me and my history with alcohol. I was very open and honest. I didn't ask about hers because she recently shared her life story at group, but did ask about her family, work and how long she'd lived in the area. About half an hour into our talk she asked if was coming to group that night and I said "yes, if I found a ride". She then said, "So that's why you called? Do you need a ride"? I felt sick inside, so I said, "I called because I am trying to get better at calling people and reaching out, but yes, if you are able and are willing, even if just this one time, yes, I would be grateful". She agreed.
That was a partial truth, partial lie, I denied my approaching her with a need out of fear of rejection and being seen as a shallow user of people.

I can't stand con artists. My first late husband was one, my youngest brother still is. I steer far away from people like that. I tell them no with confidence because I know with them an inch is always a mile. If you help them once, you will be their new best pal and have an endless list of requests. I know what I think of people like that. That does not mean I don't like or love that person, just that they are not safe. To have someone think that of me makes me physically ill. I have gone to great lengths in my life not to be a burden to others so they could never rightfully accuse me of being such a despicable person.

On the flip side, I have great compassion and generosity towards those I feel are truly in need. If I see they are going through a tough time, I jump in and offer to take some of the worry off their mind with no added stress or strings attached. They don't owe me anything, I just want them to know they are loved and not alone. That they have found a safe person who cares without an ulterior motive.

Growing up, even my basic needs were not always met, so to request anything was not received favorably. I was an average kid, not terribly bad or angelically good. On rare occasion I would try extra hard to be very good in hopes of maybe getting a box of cracker jacks or animal crackers while out shopping with mom. Usually she didn't even notice, she never voluntarily offered a treat so if I had been extra good, I would sometimes muster up the courage to ask. Most often, she'd say "not this time", which is what she said last time. If I was very hungry, I might be cranky enough to tell her that is what she said last time. It was usually those times when she would give in and say "Fine brat! I know you were just being good because you wanted something" Those times, the cracker jacks might as well have been rocks as I could barely bring myself to chew and swallow. What should have been a happy moment, was instead full of guilt, shame hurt and anger. I would have been better off not asking at all.

In 2nd grade, we had a 100 question, timed subtraction test. I got them all right with the fastest time and won a gift certificate to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. I had never been to McDonald's and came home super excited and proud. The Avon lady was busy with my mom, so I told my step-dad about my reward instead. He said it wouldn't be fair for me to ask him to drive me all the way there when he wouldn't be getting anything. I offered to share my food, but he wanted something else. I really wanted that Happy Meal, so agreed to let him touch me, but only for 100 seconds. I counted as fast as I could, only to be told I cheated and have my certificate taken away. After that, I learned how to say no, which would then result in being grounded to my room for a week at a time for some insignificant action. Yep, I spent most of my childhood isolated because I would not trade my dignity for freedom.

When I was 15, I became a Christian and met safe loving mentors. They genuinely cared about me. I kept expecting them to one day corner me and ask for repayment, but that day never came. Unfortunately, 2 out of 3 did completely break my heart by moving out of state before I graduated from high school, due to job changes. I felt lost and abandoned and became rebellious. That's when I met my first late husband.

From that time on, I have experienced the death of 2 husbands and all family except my siblings, their kids and mine. We became the oldest generation before any of us even turned 40. My closest school friends all moved away after graduating. I coped with these losses by becoming more outgoing in some ways. I am friendly to everyone I meet, I genuinely care about other human beings as a whole and it is rare that I can't find at least something good about a person. If you run into me somewhere, you have my whole attention! You will walk away feeling unused. I will not suck the life out of you. Ask me for help, I'll be there 10 minutes early unless that annoys you. You might suggest we get together and do something sometime, yeah that would be great! I'll be honest with you right then and there, that I most likely wont call, text or email you anytime in the near future cuz I'm kind of a hermit, but that doesn't mean I don't love ya or think about you.

I wont act mean and nasty to push people away. I don't want you to go, nor are you obligated in any way to stay. I like being alone in the crowd as long as I have a crowd. Being left completely alone is devastating, getting too close sets in panic. I don't want to become too attached because I don't want to feel that deep anguish of loss ever again.

So how to describe this "denial" in a nutshell? Needing a nutshell for everything is probably a problem in itself. I want control so I can feel safe.
I feel guilty and angry for having needs. I fear rejection. I fear mistreatment.

By isolating myself, I have denied others the opportunity to know me as a whole person. I have denied myself the opportunity to truly know them. It was because my back was against the wall that I asked anyone for help, so if their first impression happened to be wondering if I was the type that just uses people, I cannot control their thoughts or accuse them in my mind of jumping to conclusions. I have inadvertently presented myself as that which I despise.

The heart of the issue is truth, control and risk.

I know in my heart who I am. In my opinion, I am worthwhile, but I have to be willing to go deeper, to stop trying to control other peoples opinions of me by trying to cover all the bases. It's none of my business what they think of me. I keep myself busy avoiding bad reviews so I wont have to face the real truth. I do need. I do want. I do feel. Denying it doesn't make it go away and admitting it does require risk, but the cost of my self-imprisonment will surly be much greater.

I need to conclude these thoughts now, as I need to make some phone calls to ask for a ride, because that is what I need right now and there is nothing wrong with that. Just as I had to admit I was an alcoholic and take steps towards sobriety in spite dreading new territory, I must admit I am an "avoidant" and seek recovery from yet another area of self-imposed abuse.

Dee74

I think one of the best parts of recovery is the way we get to know ourselves better and better as we go on...for someone who resisted that for many years I find that a great gift now.

Thanks for sharing a little of your story Nikkle. I know that must have been difficult.

D

least

For a very self reliant person it's hard to reach out and ask for anything. But many people like the opportunity to help out so your asking for a ride isn't a burden to them at all.

Nikkle

Made the phone calls. First person's number is disconnected, now I know to ask her if she has a new one when I see her. The second person answered and said yes right away. I asked her if she was at work, she said yes so I told her I'd talk to her more when I see her. Yay!