Nirvana1

Hey all...New to posting on the site...I have been completely sober since 12/3/10 and made the decision to cut out alcohol after a very bad drinking year of 2010.

Up until this past year, drinking was never more than a weekend thing and was "acceptable" for college and being social. It basically never became a "glaring problem" until this past year. I noticed the progression really quickly, so I cut back and then cut since 12/3 for good.

The thing that I am worried about the most is that I have NEVER been in any sort of relationship with a woman where drinking was not heavily involved. All of my relationships the past 10 years (since 18) involved drinking. Meeting them involved drinking. Hanging out with them involved drinking. And doing ANYTHING usually involved drinking. And all of them have ended - which could be related to problems associated with drinking/addiction. (not always my fault)

I really am at a loss for what I plan on doing to meet and keep a woman happy to be around me. I consider myself to be very outgoing and funny, but I guess I always used alcohol as a crutch to make it easier to be with a woman. Meeting and being with women while drinking really made it easy to get to know them with less fear and sort of ease the tension if you will.

Other than take some time to learn life sober, what should I do?

LaFemme

Hi Nirvana and welcome to SR!

I am in a similar boat as you....except of course my problem is with the other gender when I first quit I was pretty stressed about it...at 3 months in I signed up on a dating site to see how many people where there who didn't drinkat all...bad idea though there. Were a number who rarely drank. Since then for some reason it has become less of an issue....not sure why but mentally I have developed a wait and see attitude. I need to work on myself right now and I am going to trust in life that when I am ready the right person will show up and the lack of drinking will be a non-issue.

Hope that helps!

Ladyfierce

I'm in my forties and recently divorced and have a similar concern. Always before when I dated, alcohol was usually involved. Whether it was wine with dinner or meeting for drinks. Dating with out using the alcohol "security blanket" is going to be a whole new experience. And it's going to be better, because you can't have a good relationship with someone if the only thing you have in common is drinking.

ACT10Npack

Hey OP, good to see your getting your problems with alcohol straight away before it becomes a bigger issue. Date with alcohol is something that you should not worry about. You will need to try to avoid bars or clubs on dates. It's not a hard thing to do and you don't need to have fun with alcohol. You will find that people respect you more if you don't drink.

No2

Actually it's probably just the meeting part that's harder without alcohol but if you do it right you won't be meeting the wrong people. I found that by working out and biking (Bicycle) a lot I could think about things that I needed to and got my confidence back. Meeting new people while riding around town and stopping places turns out to be just as easy and feels better personally than trying to talk to people while getting tore up drinking anyway. Also you can meet people online very easy now. I met my perfect girlfriend online and when we met in real life after talking for 2 months I was much less nervous and she really is perfect for me, we like to do all the same things. She doesn't even NEED for us to drink! It's great. Our fun together didn't start with drinking and never will revolve around drinking. We've talked more over 3-4 months than I ever did during 15 years of marriage to other drunks like me. No joke, and we talk about real things and are honest with each other rather than trying to get out of doing this or that so we can ensure there is time for some drinks later.

I did the same things you are doing in the past and ended up married to these people and eventually realized that the only things we had in common was sex, smoking, and large amounts of drinking. 2 Marriages, same things in common and both of my ex's are completely 180 degrees different from each other. But we had only those things in common.

First wife was a good time liked to party, we were both 19, we had a great time drinking and it was fun for a while but 3 years and 2 kids later I wanted to focus on the kids and didn't want to drink since we couldn't afford it (Diapers are more important than a bottle of Cuervo) and she just wanted to go out partying with her friends (but I could go with them, of course). That one ended badly with us both drinking for a year straight (because I gave in and tried to play her game) and finally me taking custody of 2 kids.

After that was over I started working out, cut down drinking somewhat and got my confidence back but NEVER even thought that drinking was the problem. It was our relationship, her drinking and all her fault because she was obviously the Alcoholic and I was fine. I still needed to quit after she was gone but just like you, I needed to meet new people. How would I do that sober? It's not possible, I thought.

So then a year later I met the 2nd one, she was quiet, cute, stays at home and does everything in the house and hates to party or be around anyone other than me, she doesn't talk to any friends or go anywhere, weird but she still drinks like a fish too. In fact, I'd have never met her if she didn't pound 5 shots of tequila in a bar to get the courage to come over and talk to me. But all we do is drink and sit in separate rooms because we have NOTHING in common and can't talk about anything. She hates my family, doesn't like my kids either and so I know it can't work and she took me years to give up too.

The thing is, before I married her I met and dated another nice woman who would have been PERFECT for my kids and a great wife too, she had a great job, liked to actually discuss things and do all the things I used to like to do, exploring, going to the beach, taking pictures, outside type things that would have helped me not drink but I disqualified her (she made me nervous and I felt bad drinking and smoking because she didn't) and married the other girl because she was what I said was my type. She drank, smoked and biggest of all SHE DIDN"T GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT HOW MUCH I DRANK. It was perfect for a guy who just wants to keep on drinking.

So be careful out there and good luck. If anything go to a gym or start running or whatever it is you like to do besides drinking. You can find the right person but anyone you find while drinking is likely to be exactly what you don't need.