No AA, no steps. Is it possible?
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
No AA, no steps. Is it possible?
I guess I'm considered a newcomer to this site (joined a week ago) but I have a little time sober under my belt. (75 days)
The thing is, I haven't been to an AA meeting or worked any of the steps, and don't know where to start.
For some reason I feel AA meetings aren't for me.
Let me rephrase that.
I don't want to go. I've been to a couple of meetings (not saying much since i was drunk both times) but I think my hesitation comes from not wanting anybody to know I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Not just people in my neighborhood but my friends and family as well. (I hid my addiction from MY family and friends the best I could. The people I hurt the most were my immediate family and fiance's family for what he went through)
Its like, if I'm able to do this w/out AA and continue to just stay sober on my own and w/ this site and all you wonderful people, then people won't see me as weak when they eventually find out. They won't be able to judge me.
Like, I don't understand people being so open about their recovery. To me its an opened door to judgment.
And I'm not one to care what people think (about everyday life). I can handle judgement 'cause its everywhere, but for some reason my addiction is like letting them into my closet of skeletons.
Its personal. And I know its because I'm so ashamed for what I've put my family through and its still very much raw.
I guess the feeling of being ashamed and still processing everything I've done while a drunk is enough for me right now. I don't want anything else on my plate.
But Is AA necessary to stay sober?
I'm concentrating on getting my immediate family to where we're supposed to land after this tornado hit. Did I cause to much damage and there's no turning back? Am I gonna stand alone w/ my kids in each hand and move on? Is there a chance my ex-fiance will be standing there w/ me?
But the feeling of being ashamed and so unbelievably sorry for the pain I've caused to my fiance and his family also holds heavy in my heart and i wanna show them how sorry i am. I miss them so much and they were so good to me and I completely floored, crushed and hurt them.
Do I need to go through the steps to fully understand my alcoholism, therefore being more open w/ them?
Do you know of anybody who stayed sober w/out attending AA and going through the steps?
Please..any advice is welcomed.
Thank you so much for takin the time.
The thing is, I haven't been to an AA meeting or worked any of the steps, and don't know where to start.
For some reason I feel AA meetings aren't for me.
Let me rephrase that.
I don't want to go. I've been to a couple of meetings (not saying much since i was drunk both times) but I think my hesitation comes from not wanting anybody to know I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Not just people in my neighborhood but my friends and family as well. (I hid my addiction from MY family and friends the best I could. The people I hurt the most were my immediate family and fiance's family for what he went through)
Its like, if I'm able to do this w/out AA and continue to just stay sober on my own and w/ this site and all you wonderful people, then people won't see me as weak when they eventually find out. They won't be able to judge me.
Like, I don't understand people being so open about their recovery. To me its an opened door to judgment.
And I'm not one to care what people think (about everyday life). I can handle judgement 'cause its everywhere, but for some reason my addiction is like letting them into my closet of skeletons.
Its personal. And I know its because I'm so ashamed for what I've put my family through and its still very much raw.
I guess the feeling of being ashamed and still processing everything I've done while a drunk is enough for me right now. I don't want anything else on my plate.
But Is AA necessary to stay sober?
I'm concentrating on getting my immediate family to where we're supposed to land after this tornado hit. Did I cause to much damage and there's no turning back? Am I gonna stand alone w/ my kids in each hand and move on? Is there a chance my ex-fiance will be standing there w/ me?
But the feeling of being ashamed and so unbelievably sorry for the pain I've caused to my fiance and his family also holds heavy in my heart and i wanna show them how sorry i am. I miss them so much and they were so good to me and I completely floored, crushed and hurt them.
Do I need to go through the steps to fully understand my alcoholism, therefore being more open w/ them?
Do you know of anybody who stayed sober w/out attending AA and going through the steps?
Please..any advice is welcomed.
Thank you so much for takin the time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Dear Fab
Congratulations on 75 days sober. That really is a fantastic achievement and I expect things in your life have changed as a result. I hope that things develop in a positive way in terms of your relationship with your kids and your fiance.
This forum encourages members to explore all kinds of approaches to recovery. AA is but one of several that people have used with success. Can I ask, what is your current programme? Is there a concrete plan?
I find AA to be enormously helpful and althoug like most people I felt initially a bit ashamed about being identified with this disease, the benefits of being in a supportive environment with other people who are set on recovery has been enormous. In that sense, it is the perfect complement to Sober Recovery Forum.
Congratulations on 75 days sober. That really is a fantastic achievement and I expect things in your life have changed as a result. I hope that things develop in a positive way in terms of your relationship with your kids and your fiance.
This forum encourages members to explore all kinds of approaches to recovery. AA is but one of several that people have used with success. Can I ask, what is your current programme? Is there a concrete plan?
I find AA to be enormously helpful and althoug like most people I felt initially a bit ashamed about being identified with this disease, the benefits of being in a supportive environment with other people who are set on recovery has been enormous. In that sense, it is the perfect complement to Sober Recovery Forum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Yes it's possible to stay sober without AA. If you know how to cope with the cravings and you want to stay sober and have reason to then it's really not that hard. I know someone who stayed sober without AA. He got in a car crash and don't want to live that way anymore, so he decided that alcohol was not for him.
It's up to you if you want to tell your friends and family how your alcohol abuse. You don't' have to tell them if you don't want to because it's really none of no one busy if your going to quit. I would tell your finance about this so she knows what she is going to get herself into in the long run.
Can you tell us what were you drinking habits and for how long.
Welcome to SR!!
It's up to you if you want to tell your friends and family how your alcohol abuse. You don't' have to tell them if you don't want to because it's really none of no one busy if your going to quit. I would tell your finance about this so she knows what she is going to get herself into in the long run.
Can you tell us what were you drinking habits and for how long.
Welcome to SR!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Many of us here, including myself, are not in AA, so sure it's possible 
I'm not sure where you'd get the idea going to AA equates to being weak tho - I can't see any thing weak about getting into recovery, no matter what way you do it - it really takes commitment and effort. It's tough.
I don't think there's any weakness or lack of character inherent in alcoholism either - to me it's it's an addiction...some of the best and bravest people I know are alcoholics or addicts
I'm not dismissing your concerns about other people, SF but I never had any problem with people judging me - maybe I was lucky, or maybe I'd just drunk myself so far down people were pleased to see that I didn't kill myself. I was so glad to get a second chance, that what people thought of me didn't matter that much - in the end what people might think of me had to be a lower priority that doing what I needed to save my life.
D
I'm not sure where you'd get the idea going to AA equates to being weak tho - I can't see any thing weak about getting into recovery, no matter what way you do it - it really takes commitment and effort. It's tough.
I don't think there's any weakness or lack of character inherent in alcoholism either - to me it's it's an addiction...some of the best and bravest people I know are alcoholics or addicts
I'm not dismissing your concerns about other people, SF but I never had any problem with people judging me - maybe I was lucky, or maybe I'd just drunk myself so far down people were pleased to see that I didn't kill myself. I was so glad to get a second chance, that what people thought of me didn't matter that much - in the end what people might think of me had to be a lower priority that doing what I needed to save my life.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
What do you think about the idea of trying a meeting a little further away from home. Would that help you with the fera of being found out and all the awkwardness, etc?
If you are interested in trying it, give it a go. There are people that begin to use AA a long time after they quit drinking and manybe they wish they had started sooner.
I have no idea how many people use AA and how many don't, but there are lots here who don't. Some use other approaches that you can look into in the non-12 Step section; others use counselling; still others use this site alone. I think the success in staying away from alcohol depends on what the individual needs to do. I don't advocate a person thinking they are unique in all ways (since that can lend itself to "I can go back to drinking and it'll be different this time"), but so far I think each person needs to find what works and that takes understanding that for themselves.
The processing you mention is important. I don't think I am excelling at this, but working toward and maintaining balance in life is important too.
If you are interested in trying it, give it a go. There are people that begin to use AA a long time after they quit drinking and manybe they wish they had started sooner.
I have no idea how many people use AA and how many don't, but there are lots here who don't. Some use other approaches that you can look into in the non-12 Step section; others use counselling; still others use this site alone. I think the success in staying away from alcohol depends on what the individual needs to do. I don't advocate a person thinking they are unique in all ways (since that can lend itself to "I can go back to drinking and it'll be different this time"), but so far I think each person needs to find what works and that takes understanding that for themselves.
The processing you mention is important. I don't think I am excelling at this, but working toward and maintaining balance in life is important too.
Eating protein and life.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by simplyfab 
But Is AA necessary to stay sober?
No.
Maybe.
Yes - there are several on here who tried everything and found that AA was their saving grace; the one program that provided the tools they needed.
No - there are several on here who tried AA and found that other tools were their saving grace.
Maybe - there are people, like me, who have managed to get and stay sober with the tools that I've discovered. However, I'm not above considering or using anything that will help keep me sober. My recovery program isn't my priority, my sobriety is (this helps me keep an open mind regarding all programs).
Congrats on the 75 days!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
I managed 7 months sobriety without AA. I didnt grow on my own and eventually relapsed.
I managed 3 months with AA and relapsed. I didnt work the program thou. I am sticking with AA as I can see results and long term sobriety every time I go to a meeting. I am starting the steps today. I will grow and work hard at it, I dont know if I have the strength or know how to do it alone.
I managed 3 months with AA and relapsed. I didnt work the program thou. I am sticking with AA as I can see results and long term sobriety every time I go to a meeting. I am starting the steps today. I will grow and work hard at it, I dont know if I have the strength or know how to do it alone.
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Thank you all so much for responding..
I'm glad to hear that not going to AA is grounds for my sobriety card to be taken away..
I'm happy w/ the way things are going and the progress my family and I are making after this horrible ordeal.
I'm not on any current program. I've gone to couseling but stopped after about a month, and this while I was still relapsing every couple of weeks.
Also used to go to church everyday but that also stopped after about 2 weeks or so.
Right now...my program is my mind, the love I have for my family and the the feeling of loving myself again.
I'm enjoying my life again and my family is enjoying me again. Im feeling hope and smile a whole lot more.
Don't get me wrong, the thought of wanting a nice cold beer on a warm day, or the thought that I'm never gonna be able to toast on new years or a friends bday still creeps in my head, but then my mind kicks itself and the pain I've caused and how unhappy my family and I were races through my head and its not worth it. because I know it won't just be one beer or one drink..
What's that saying?
One drink is too many and a thousand isn't enough.
My drinking habits started pretty much in high school. But alcohol has been around me forever.
Both my parents were/are alcoholics and all my family drinks. (huge fam)
About 3 yrs ago...it spiraled out of control and I would binge drink. my poison was vodka. It got so bad that I had to have a drink first thing in the morning. I'd drinks for days and nights straight then detox for the next 2 days. I'd stay sober for about 4-7 days sometimes longer then start again.
Right now...the thought of drinking doesn't appeal to me at all.
I've hit my bottom.
My ex and kids have seen me at my lowest. And I probably could've gone further down..but I'm taking it one day at a time and that one day has led me to day 75!
I probably am, at one point, gonna seek help elsewhere. (therapy, couseling or maybe even AA meetings) but for now...this will do.
i also wanted to know if th steps or AA help to understand alcoholism better?
I'm glad to hear that not going to AA is grounds for my sobriety card to be taken away..
I'm happy w/ the way things are going and the progress my family and I are making after this horrible ordeal.
I'm not on any current program. I've gone to couseling but stopped after about a month, and this while I was still relapsing every couple of weeks.
Also used to go to church everyday but that also stopped after about 2 weeks or so.
Right now...my program is my mind, the love I have for my family and the the feeling of loving myself again.
I'm enjoying my life again and my family is enjoying me again. Im feeling hope and smile a whole lot more.
Don't get me wrong, the thought of wanting a nice cold beer on a warm day, or the thought that I'm never gonna be able to toast on new years or a friends bday still creeps in my head, but then my mind kicks itself and the pain I've caused and how unhappy my family and I were races through my head and its not worth it. because I know it won't just be one beer or one drink..
What's that saying?
One drink is too many and a thousand isn't enough.
My drinking habits started pretty much in high school. But alcohol has been around me forever.
Both my parents were/are alcoholics and all my family drinks. (huge fam)
About 3 yrs ago...it spiraled out of control and I would binge drink. my poison was vodka. It got so bad that I had to have a drink first thing in the morning. I'd drinks for days and nights straight then detox for the next 2 days. I'd stay sober for about 4-7 days sometimes longer then start again.
Right now...the thought of drinking doesn't appeal to me at all.
I've hit my bottom.
My ex and kids have seen me at my lowest. And I probably could've gone further down..but I'm taking it one day at a time and that one day has led me to day 75!
I probably am, at one point, gonna seek help elsewhere. (therapy, couseling or maybe even AA meetings) but for now...this will do.
i also wanted to know if th steps or AA help to understand alcoholism better?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
My program is pretty much what you described and I have been sober for a long time and I'm in a good place. The only thing I would add to your list would be books. Books were my saving grace in the early days, books that showed me the way and gave me the courage to believe that I could do it.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
Congratulations on your sobriety!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I go to my home group meeting sometimes because I like it (it's a discussion meeting) and because I like the people there. But I've never done the steps or gotten a sponsor. And I'm sober a bit over a year now and going strong. So yes, it is possible to stay sober without AA.
So yes, it is possible to stay sober without AA.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Yes it is possible. The only requisite for staying sober is not drinking.
I go to therapy and take my meds like I'm supposed to for my depression, go to this site and use my brain to make decisions as to what I do or don't do.
No matter what method or way to cope one uses, we all are susceptible to relapse as long as we are still alive. That's why so many people with sober time still come to SR and/or go to meetings.
It is possible to stay sober--just find a way that works for you. Congrats on the sober time.
I go to therapy and take my meds like I'm supposed to for my depression, go to this site and use my brain to make decisions as to what I do or don't do.
No matter what method or way to cope one uses, we all are susceptible to relapse as long as we are still alive. That's why so many people with sober time still come to SR and/or go to meetings.
It is possible to stay sober--just find a way that works for you. Congrats on the sober time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
AA isn't necessary for everybody, but some kind of support and a focus on personal growth is, IMO. I also think it's important for you to thoroughly accept the fact of your addiction and that you cannot drink like a normal person, and learn to be thoroughly OK with that. Also to keep an open mind and realize that if you do find yourself struggling, down the road, there is no shame in seeking out whatever might be the key to happy sobriety--even if it's (gasp!) AA.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by simplyfab
I think my hesitation (ed. to attend AA) comes from not wanting anybody to know I'm a recovering alcoholic.
(This was meant in good cheer in case you think I am being an a-hole)
What stuck with me from your post is that you are very private and don't want anyone rooting around in your closet of skeletons... OK, fine, I don't like to hear about all that shiite anyway....
when I am at a meeting... all I want to know about your alcoholism is enough that I can identify on some level.... maybe you drank exactly like me, or sort of like me... I don't need to know all the gory details of all your problems... we all got 'em... what I like to hear is how you recovered in the program of AA... tell me about your spiritual experience (not your religion)... let me hear you give others hope...
If you happen to make some close friends that can act as advisors, if you find a sponsor you trust... well, you can share all that other stuff, privately... or not... Myself, I have a group of people I can talk privately with, that I trust, but that's not necessary, for my own recovery... some people find enormous benefit to leaning hard on a good support group.... some go to counseling ....
One last thing... You went to a couple of meetings after drinking... and you are making your mind up based on what you heard and saw when you had a buzz on, when you were drunk???
AA is there when you want it and they will welcome you with open arms.... If not, well, that's cool too... WELCOME to SR!!!!
Mark
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Simplyfab
I am similiar to you and Anna. I was doing great but when Anna turned me onto some books about seven months ago I got even better and continue to learn about myself spiritually. Some books help me to learn more about alcoholism so that I can help others and remind myself why I cannot drink.
I decided I wanted to live, literally...so I stopped. I loved my family and I wanted to be with them so they are part of my recovery. I thank God for showing me how to love myself so that I can love others unconditionally. I still carry memories of the physical effects of alcohol that are so raw it deters all cravings.
You are doing great. You are in recovery, whether you are in an official program or not and because of that you have been given a gift.
SH
I am similiar to you and Anna. I was doing great but when Anna turned me onto some books about seven months ago I got even better and continue to learn about myself spiritually. Some books help me to learn more about alcoholism so that I can help others and remind myself why I cannot drink.
I decided I wanted to live, literally...so I stopped. I loved my family and I wanted to be with them so they are part of my recovery. I thank God for showing me how to love myself so that I can love others unconditionally. I still carry memories of the physical effects of alcohol that are so raw it deters all cravings.
You are doing great. You are in recovery, whether you are in an official program or not and because of that you have been given a gift.
SH
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Fab and welcome to SR and congrats on 75 days
I am 6+ months sober without AA and have no immediate plans to attend. Should things change down the line AA remains on the table.
I think Lexie is correct in saying support is essential..I get mine here...I also agree with her point about spiritual growth although I would change that to emotional growth. We need to deal with what caused us to drink and what we did when we drank to keep us from picking up again. Quite frankly I think everyone in the world could benefit from that I use a life coach and my own faith to achieve these goals and like Anna I read a lot!
How do you plan on incorporating emotional growth in your recovery?
I am 6+ months sober without AA and have no immediate plans to attend. Should things change down the line AA remains on the table.
I think Lexie is correct in saying support is essential..I get mine here...I also agree with her point about spiritual growth although I would change that to emotional growth. We need to deal with what caused us to drink and what we did when we drank to keep us from picking up again. Quite frankly I think everyone in the world could benefit from that
I use a life coach and my own faith to achieve these goals and like Anna I read a lot! How do you plan on incorporating emotional growth in your recovery?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by simplyfab
i also wanted to know if the steps or AA help to understand alcoholism better?
The steps and AA have not helped me understand alcoholism any better... I already understood it pretty well, pretty d@mn well, actually... better than I wanted to that's for sure, LOL... but understanding alcoholism isn't, for me anyway, important
The steps do help us understand our own alcoholism. Again, not trying to be a wise ass with this seeming contradiction (there are a lot of those, a few paradoxes too)... The steps are a journey of rigorous honesty and the development of a true humility... humility in this sense is not about humiliation, but about seeing myself as I truly am, that I am just another human being doing the best I can, no different or better or worse than anyone else... it's priceless and words can't do it justice, really.
It's not about the alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi SimplyFab, I've been sober for 3+ years w/o AA meetings or any formal recovery program, it is possible. BUT, I don't believe I would be sober w/o support from loved ones, specifically my father who has been sober for 25+ years (he did not use any formal program either). I also do not believe I would be where I am today had I not worked on my recovery by reading and practicising AA materials including my own modified version of the steps, and reading/studying other recovery literature, and the bible. Early on I didn't want anyone to know that I had stopped drinking because I didn't want them to know that alcohol had been a problem and nearly killed me! but eventually as the healing and recovery took hold of me I wanted everyone to know because I was so proud of myself and so happy with myself. Recovery is possible for some of us w/o a formal program but you have to work just as hard and not everyone can do that w/o the support and encouragement that is offered in formal programs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Originally Posted by simplyfab
my addiction is like letting them into my closet of skeletons.
This honestly includes the saying: If there are any skeletons in your closet, take them out and dance with them.
i also wanted to know if th steps or AA help to understand alcoholism better?
I no longer attend AA, but I still use some of the tools that AA provided.
What *really* got me sober and taught me more about myself and alcoholism was one-on-one counseling with a licensed alcoholism counselor (LADC) - who was also in recovery himself for many, many years.
The Steps didn't teach me about alcoholism; they taught me about surrender and overcoming denial.
But I'm a pretty analytical person.
Again, I credit my counselor because he helped me to understand the reasons behind my need to drink, how alcoholism affects the body and the brain, how to handle the threat of relapses, and how to live in contented sobriety (not just dry) without the need to escape and use alcohol as a crutch.
I am not saying AA cannot do this for some; their approach just didn't do it for me.
I prefer the one-on-one aspect of counseling and highly recommend one who will focus on you and your personal issues. It saved my life.
Good luck!
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