Need suggestions and advice

Old 01-13-2011, 01:39 PM
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
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Question Need suggestions and advice

It's taken me awhile to get on here and write. I have been lurking for awhile, reading lots of the posts; some helpful, some not. So here is my situation:

I am here to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend, of which we are having a long distance relationship that has been going on for over four months. We have seen each other quite a few times, and talk all day and into the night(no exaggeration). One thing that you also need to know is that I have also known him for a very long time----we grew up together, and we were even in the same daycare as babies. He was one of my younger(and only) sisters best friends, as well as knowing each others families. We reconnected over Facebook very early of 2010, and stayed in contact throughout the year. He was one of the few people that was there for me during my divorce, and made it SO much better by making me think about it objectively. The divorce thankfully has been over for quite some time, and my ex and I have a mostly drama free custody agreement with our three year old daughter.

A little more background on him: He has three college degrees, and one of his goals is to pursue a Masters and Phd within the next year. His family is a little goofy; his mother left him with his dad when he was three years old to pursue--lol--a PhD in Psychology with her focus being Family studies. They have a relationship, but I don't think that is just something you 'just get over'. the story of why I am here.

A little over a month ago, he got into some trouble with the law. A misdemeanor(doesn't matter what it is, but it was from alcohol) Before this happened, we had planned on him moving up to MN to be with me and my daughter(who I share legal and physical custody with my ex) sometime in the near future. At this point, he decided that he needed to stop drinking. Saying that if he looked back at his life any drama or negative thing that had happened was directly or indirectly caused by alcohol. He said he had hit his bottom, and as far as I knew he was just a regular drinker like myself(we didn't live together, so what would I know). All I knew is that he had a job, a nice apartment, a car. In addition, he had several close people die of cancer in the last year---which I don't think he ever dealt with. he starts going to AA, twice a day for a whole month. He was sober, and I know he was because I was also friends with his roomate who was keeping an eye on him as well. His attitude completely changed, his personality changed---not for the worse, but just different. In the meantime, he wants to(with the suggestion from his mother) that he go into rehab. He got into a facility about a week ago, for a 60 day treatment program. Apparantly it was worse than I thought. He repeatedly told me that he was doing it for himself, but in addition he didn't want to move to MN the way he was previously. He wants a life with my daughter and I; that all he has ever wanted was a family to take care of.

So, I guess my question is; what should I do next? He is currently in rehab, but when he gets out do I let him move up here? My thought was that we needed to slow it down a little bit, take our time, let him heal and work out his past issues. I support him 100%, but I also have to think about myself, and my daughter(MOST IMPORTANT). I haven't talked to him about this at all, because of the communication blocks they have at the rehab. I can write letters, but I don't think that really was an appropriate forum to discuss such things. I don't mind at all if he moves to MN, but depending on how much time has passed after his release; I'm not sure if it is the best idea for him to move in directly.

I know that I have some qualities of a co-dependant---mostly in the past. It has been something I have worked on, especially with this relationship. There was no enabling happening, but the 'saving' part came out a little in the beginning when this all started. At this point I have backed off quite a bit, and have thought a lot about setting up boundaries with him. There are just so many unanswered questions right now, that I'm not sure what even to think. Anyone?
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Old 01-13-2011, 01:58 PM
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Snarf Snarf
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I find it difficult for me to give relationship advice for a couple reasons. 1) I'm not friends with you and your BF and not familiar with your relationship, so I have even less to go on than you do. 2) I've been an alcoholic for a long time and ruined lots of relationships (thankfully not my present one - that would be real bad). It's difficult for me to see things from "the other side," so to speak.

Perhaps you would like to check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum on this site. Below is the link:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I wish the best for you, your daughter and your bf. Thanks for joining us here.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:02 PM
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I would really think it would be better to wait.

He is going through some life-changing stuff in rehab and making a decision like moving in with you and your child might be better off later, rather than sooner. I understand what you mean by him changing - I know that I changed a lot when I stopped drinking.

It sounds like he is working hard on taking care of himself, and in the meantime you could check out AlAnon or the Friends & Families forums here. I know it's hard to set boundaries, but it's important to take care of yourself and your child.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:06 PM
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It also seems like his issues may have been worse than he's admitted to you so far. Perhaps, wait until he's out of rehab since he may also be recommended to a sober living situation right after, which may interfere with your current plan.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by sinful View Post
My thought was that we needed to slow it down a little bit, take our time, let him heal and work out his past issues.
I think that is wise.

You've posted to a recovery site, so most of those viewing, like me, are seeking recovery from alcohol or drugs or both. So that's the context of my comments. 60 day rehab speaks of a major problem. You need assurance that everything is going okay in his recovery and that can take a while...and sometimes it never happens. He's going through changes that may effect how he feels about you, so you can't take it personally if his plans changes. And you have every right to slow things down until he proves he can stay sober.

That may not happen. You only have to read through this forum to see the difficulties many face.

I suggest you visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum for their experience and knowledge.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:31 PM
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Thank you all. It's all just a gamble isn't it. Life sure can throw you for a loop! I'm not going to take any of this lightly, but I'm hoping for a good outcome---as everyone does.
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Old 01-13-2011, 02:48 PM
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Hi Sinful

I agree with you - slow it down a little bit, take your time, let him heal and work out his past issues...see what happens, see how you feel

There's no race and no time limits when you're speaking of life changing decisions for you and your daughter

I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums too

welcome to SR
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