Notices

My Main Problem

Old 01-12-2011, 09:36 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Draciack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
My Main Problem

ESH—

I’ve heard a saying that an addict is someone who seeks an external solution for an internal problem. They look outside of themselves to ease those feelings of discontentment, of insecurity, of anxiety, and a lot of times that solution comes in the form of a bottle, a pill, or a needle.

From the age of 5, I was like that. It started with television and books, using media to escape the chaos of every day life, to escape my anxiety about my environment, and although when the solution changed to alcohol and drugs, the basic premise remained—I wanted something outside of me to solve my problems.

The list, at this point, is exhaustive:

Television
Internet
Gambling
Books
Porn
Writing
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Drugs
People
The Lifestyle
…even God

And a few I’ve just come to recognize:

Obsessive Thought
Over Adherence to Rules and “Perfection”
…and the big one—Expectations

Every single one, used as a coping mechanism, all grown out of that single premise.

And why? For what purpose? Only I have responsibility for myself – not other people, places, or things – and every time I hand that responsibility for my thinking, my actions, my behavior, I’m handing over just about the only power I really have in this world: the ability to determine my reactions.

I used to think alcohol was my problem, and other people, and circumstances, and life. If everything just went as I wanted it to, I’d be happy. But that’s not it at all. My problem is me, plain and simple, and it always has been. I realize this now more than ever.

The last three weeks, I’ve been a mess. Today, I’m fine. Nothing external has changed. My life is the same as it was three weeks ago. But I’ve changed and the way I view things has changed.

I kept wondering why these expectations were cropping up over and over even though I knew they were damaging. They’re a defense mechanism – a way to control the universe and keep myself safe by predicting what will happen next. But that control is an illusion, those expectations are an illusion, and both illusions are born out of the original fear, that insecurity, which drives me to seek an external solution for the anxiety.

Controlling the uncontrollable and managing the unmanageable never work for me. They cause pain when inevitably things don’t go as I expect, and the pain leads to trying to control more, which leads to more pain, and so forth. But that anxiety can go away too when I recognize that all I really can control is myself. Then I stop worrying about all the rest and there’s that great Dyer quote:

“If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a fact, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system.”

When I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol, I was able to let it go. And I felt the serenity from giving up the fight.

When I realize that I am powerless over other people, places, things, the universe, etc., I’m able to let all that go too. That’s why I feel so good today. It’s tough carrying the world around on your shoulders, sometimes.

And the good part is – I can just go out and be the best person I can be, because that’s all I can do, and that is up to me. That’s the freedom I’ve gained in recovery.
Draciack is offline  
Old 01-12-2011, 11:21 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Groovy Dancer
 
Ghostly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I cannot tell you how frickin amazin your post was. It was like it was meant for you to write it, so I could read it. This is my struggle, daily, hourly...prob more than that. If I could truly live like you talk about, there would be a weight that would leave my chest. Not sure if I'm to that point, but would like to think I'm closer. I just gotta be the best me I can be and not WORRY what others may say or do about me. If I could do that, I'd be golden.

Thanks Draciack...I needed that.
Ghostly is offline  
Old 01-12-2011, 11:32 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
That's a perfect diagnosis and why we can't possibly do this by ourselves and why we need to have a drastic personality change in order to recover and live different lives:-)
yeahgr8 is offline  
Old 01-13-2011, 12:06 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
You got it Drac! Now hang on to it

When one realizes that they are not responsible for anyones happiness and to also no other is responsible for ones own happiness. This is a moment of freedom.

Fear is only thing that stops anyone from total freedom from everything.
bcboy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:43 PM.