So this is what it feels like
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 16
So this is what it feels like
Big relapse I had tonight. I didn't go to the doctor like I said I would. I live in a small town where you are given antibiotics when you are sick and the latest antidepressant when you are "down". I didn't go because I read that benzos were used for this hell that I am going through and I have a script already for a terrible nerve problem. I took the pills (xanax) and it worked to get me through until I had something that tipped me over my breaking point (Looong story and I will spare you all the details).
I am starting to feel like I am a walking ailment because I have so many problems. I have OCD. No doctors diagnosis, just a self confirmation that it is there. I check everything over and over and over. The whole time feeling like an idiot, but feeling like if I don't something bad will happen to my Mom, my kids and so on. I also have panic attacks, depression and horrible, really HORRIBLE pms. I might go to therapy if I could afford it or hell maybe not. I can't drive worth a **** in the closet city to me for fear of hitting an on ramp and having something hit me so on... Not to mention I can't remember where anything is at or where I am supposed to go. I have someone drive me to where I need to go whether it be the mall or what ever else I have to do.
I could ramble on and on about what is wrong with me and why I feel this is happening to me, but it isnt going to solve why I am where I am today. I drink so I don't have to be here anymore. However, I notice that most of my bad feelings are amplified when I drink but, I still do it for a release.
I have screwed up and I let something that happened cause me to backtrack. I am at such a point with myself that I really don't know what to do.
I have very little support here at home. The support that I do have is outright selfish with my boyfriend, family and friends and I just really don't know what to do or where to turn. I hate to sound like I am putting up "road blocks' but this is such a mess.
I don't like being drunk anymore, but I don't like being sober. What do I do????
I am starting to feel like I am a walking ailment because I have so many problems. I have OCD. No doctors diagnosis, just a self confirmation that it is there. I check everything over and over and over. The whole time feeling like an idiot, but feeling like if I don't something bad will happen to my Mom, my kids and so on. I also have panic attacks, depression and horrible, really HORRIBLE pms. I might go to therapy if I could afford it or hell maybe not. I can't drive worth a **** in the closet city to me for fear of hitting an on ramp and having something hit me so on... Not to mention I can't remember where anything is at or where I am supposed to go. I have someone drive me to where I need to go whether it be the mall or what ever else I have to do.
I could ramble on and on about what is wrong with me and why I feel this is happening to me, but it isnt going to solve why I am where I am today. I drink so I don't have to be here anymore. However, I notice that most of my bad feelings are amplified when I drink but, I still do it for a release.
I have screwed up and I let something that happened cause me to backtrack. I am at such a point with myself that I really don't know what to do.
I have very little support here at home. The support that I do have is outright selfish with my boyfriend, family and friends and I just really don't know what to do or where to turn. I hate to sound like I am putting up "road blocks' but this is such a mess.
I don't like being drunk anymore, but I don't like being sober. What do I do????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Jacee))) - welcome to SR. You've just found a great group of supportive people who have been through similar situations. It might be slow, for a while, as it's the wee hours in most parts of the US, though there are people here from all over the world.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
If this is your first time relapsing, don't be so hard on yourself.
At least your already feeling remorse and not looking at this as a way to keep drinking.
Its good that you're on this site posting how you feel
and looking to get answers.
Relapsing is tough because you feel like you have a handle on things, then Boom! You're back to feeling like a failier and you start to question how strong you really are and if you're ever going to have the strength.
All natural emotions to an alcoholic.
Keep you're head up...tomorrows another day.
At least your already feeling remorse and not looking at this as a way to keep drinking.
Its good that you're on this site posting how you feel
and looking to get answers.
Relapsing is tough because you feel like you have a handle on things, then Boom! You're back to feeling like a failier and you start to question how strong you really are and if you're ever going to have the strength.
All natural emotions to an alcoholic.
Keep you're head up...tomorrows another day.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Get back up and try again, if you want to stay sober, that is. I relapsed over and over again but finally 'got it' and have been sober over a year and love my new life.
I've eliminated all the problems that can come from drinking and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Plus it's a bonus to not wake up sick as a dog!
I've eliminated all the problems that can come from drinking and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Plus it's a bonus to not wake up sick as a dog! unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
Please forgive my assumtions, but I think you already know what to do, but you don't have the support (right now) to do it.
Yes, this is how it feels, change hurts, so many consequences you can think about. Your selfish supporters won't support you now?
Do what you know is right.
Sober, you can make better decisions.
The " Wagon" won't leave you behind, you can always climb on board. Don't kick yourself for mistakes, learn from them. They are there to teach you, and true friends will help you.
Yes, this is how it feels, change hurts, so many consequences you can think about. Your selfish supporters won't support you now?
Do what you know is right.
Sober, you can make better decisions.
The " Wagon" won't leave you behind, you can always climb on board. Don't kick yourself for mistakes, learn from them. They are there to teach you, and true friends will help you.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I don't like being drunk anymore, but I don't like being sober. What do I do???? QUOTE:
Ok then, dont be either, Just be YOURself. Its like saying I dont like being fat, but I keep on eating.
Its like a numb state isnt it, like your mind just cant make its damn mind up. Like the feeling but I dont want to do it. What you probably dont like, is the after affects of the drinking more likely.
Its one of those things, the more you drink the more you drink. The less you drink, the less you drink. Our bodies get use to what we do to it.
JJ
Ok then, dont be either, Just be YOURself. Its like saying I dont like being fat, but I keep on eating.
Its like a numb state isnt it, like your mind just cant make its damn mind up. Like the feeling but I dont want to do it. What you probably dont like, is the after affects of the drinking more likely.
Its one of those things, the more you drink the more you drink. The less you drink, the less you drink. Our bodies get use to what we do to it.
JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 16
Thanks ya'll for being understanding. I haven't drank since the post and the urge to drink only comes and goes. Thankfully it isn't a constant thought on my mind at all times.
I have noticed, while being sober that the one person that complained so much about my drinking is the less supportive person of everyone I know. He brought me beer when I asked and sometimes when I didn't. When I tried to quit he would subtly mention how good a cold beer would be. He doesn't drink much at all and especially doesn't drink beer. I would get so drunk that I would turn violent and throw things at him at times out of rage and what felt like utter hate. Now, when I am sober he has started jerking me around and causing me physical pain when I am not the least bit violent. Why in the world would he be doing this to me now??? I could almost understand it when I was being a belligerent drunk, but now that I am "just here" he is acting like this.
The realization of what is going on right before my very eyes has become so clear that I am in shock. I am starting to see all of the things that my family and friends were warning me about.
I wonder sometimes if I leave him, which is what my heart, family and friends are begging me to do, would I start drinking again??
What to do, what to do....
I have noticed, while being sober that the one person that complained so much about my drinking is the less supportive person of everyone I know. He brought me beer when I asked and sometimes when I didn't. When I tried to quit he would subtly mention how good a cold beer would be. He doesn't drink much at all and especially doesn't drink beer. I would get so drunk that I would turn violent and throw things at him at times out of rage and what felt like utter hate. Now, when I am sober he has started jerking me around and causing me physical pain when I am not the least bit violent. Why in the world would he be doing this to me now??? I could almost understand it when I was being a belligerent drunk, but now that I am "just here" he is acting like this.
The realization of what is going on right before my very eyes has become so clear that I am in shock. I am starting to see all of the things that my family and friends were warning me about.
I wonder sometimes if I leave him, which is what my heart, family and friends are begging me to do, would I start drinking again??
What to do, what to do....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi Jacee,
Please do not stay in a violent situation.
No one should have to live like that.
And, clearly this person is manipulating you and he is becoming panicky when he thinks you might stop drinking. Get away from him.
You're at the point where you are beginning to see things as they really are. I remember when that happened to me, and I was stunned. Things were not at all as I had believed they were.
Please do not stay in a violent situation.
No one should have to live like that.
And, clearly this person is manipulating you and he is becoming panicky when he thinks you might stop drinking. Get away from him.
You're at the point where you are beginning to see things as they really are. I remember when that happened to me, and I was stunned. Things were not at all as I had believed they were.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by jacee 
Now, when I am sober he has started jerking me around and causing me physical pain when I am not the least bit violent.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Anna
....... clearly this person is manipulating you and he is becoming panicky when he thinks you might stop drinking. Get away from him.
You're at the point where you are beginning to see things as they really are. I remember when that happened to me, and I was stunned. Things were not at all as I had believed they were.
You're at the point where you are beginning to see things as they really are. I remember when that happened to me, and I was stunned. Things were not at all as I had believed they were.
You ARE at the point where you're beginning to see things as they really are !
Prayers you'll find the strength and ability to take action.
.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Jacee...first things first. GET AWAY from "him" before you get really hurt. I am wondering if he isn't bringing you beer so you get drunk and it gives the coward even more power to abuse you. These are SERIOUS issues. I have had people disagree with my opinions before..but the order I see..Is get AWAY from him..then worry about sobriety. What you are seeing and feeling is real. Be safe first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 16
Once again, thanks for responding. I have to admit I have successfully found myself in one of the stickiest situations I can recall ever being in. I agree it is time to run like hell and there have been times that I have tried. Of course, things got better and I kept on drinking.
I know this man does not have my best interests in mind and the whole relationship has been weird since the day it started. I have numbed myself with pills and beer and it is as if I have woke up in this mess.
I think that I am going to get in contact with the domestic violence center here and look into a group therapy that is offered once a week. This isn't my first go round with guys doing this to me. I have always wondered if it was just me that created the problem that caused this man and a other one in my past to act like this. Now that I am older I see that it is obviously my poor self esteem radiating out signals to every abusive nut job out there that I am an easy target for being their punching bag.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully one day I will reach a point to where I can actually offer advice instead of always needing it.
I know this man does not have my best interests in mind and the whole relationship has been weird since the day it started. I have numbed myself with pills and beer and it is as if I have woke up in this mess.
I think that I am going to get in contact with the domestic violence center here and look into a group therapy that is offered once a week. This isn't my first go round with guys doing this to me. I have always wondered if it was just me that created the problem that caused this man and a other one in my past to act like this. Now that I am older I see that it is obviously my poor self esteem radiating out signals to every abusive nut job out there that I am an easy target for being their punching bag.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully one day I will reach a point to where I can actually offer advice instead of always needing it.
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