maimai

Does anyone have any suggestions of any books related to this subject? I am doing some recovery work and I know that in the end this will all come together, but right now I am having a really tough time with one of my main triggers (parenting my tween). I have gone to the parenting/relationship forum, but the main topics are relationships.. so...

I love to read, and research, so I have gotten several books on parenting tweens.

My mother's idea of parenting was, "Get the &^%$ outta my face and I wish I had never had you." So, honestly I don't have a lot of wisdom to fall back on..

*nervous laugh*

Funny enough, I have spent countless $$ on therapy for that issue, but I feel at a loss of what to do with this little creature. I love her, I know I am blessed, I know there are women that would give anything to be a Mom ( I was one of those after 5 miscarriages, ironic I know). I just feel like a constant failure.

good news, is that she knows she is loved, all of her needs are met, I tell her every day that I love her and I try so very hard to be patient and gentle with her. Her dad (who both came out of the closet and walked out 4 years ago) is back in her life somewhat, so that is good for her, she really needs him. My hubby of 2 years is a dad of 4 (all either in college or live in another state) so that adds just a bit more spice to this fun filled life... sorry, we are snowed in and I am just feeling kinda shi**y today. She and I have already had a come apart over some spilled grape juice and her disrespectful tone. We had a time out and now I think we both feel better.

Anywho, the reason for this war and peace (pun?) post is that I feel like I am a crappy Mom no matter what. The drinking for the first 10 yrs of her life does not exactly make me feel like Mom of the year, but I am now at the "what do I do now?" stage....

Thanks for listening....

any suggested reading would be appreciated...

hugs to all !

MM
I want to be a good Mom, I just don't know how or what that even means.

northland

I don't have any suggestions, but I must say....

You are not a failure!!We all make mistakes. Every single person on this planet makes mistakes. With that type of thinking, that would make us all failures. But we aren't. As long as you can grow and learn from you're mistakes, then you are succeeding at life.

I know its hard, I'm brutal with myself and my past mistakes as well. But there is no need. It is counter-productive to beat yourself up. It really does serve no purpose

Mark75

Sounds like a plan to me... All the books in the world can't improve on a mother's love... and patience.

Maybe just work on getting recovered... Then you will develop and be able to trust your own special intuition when it comes to raising your own daughter...

Tweens are tough, I experienced 4 of them, and yes, one daughter. The experience with my daughter was much different than with my sons... She is the light of my life, growing up into a special young woman... she's away at college and I miss her...

I find it much easier to relate to my kids while sober, but I had to get recovered first... Hang in there, easy does it...

Onewithwings

I feel this way a lot. I have a 2.5 year old son, and have always tried to do the best for him. I have a lot of regrets about those first years. Like you, I had previous losses (one full term baby girl, one miscarriage) and was desperate to be a mom. I used parenting as an excuse to get high, saying I was a better parent high because I was more tolerant. And I was, I'd just lay around and play with my son-- I'd also drive high with him in the car, breastfeed him while using, etc.-- not such good stuff, but I thought I was doing my best!

All I can tell you is don't waste time on guilt. Make a change! Tweens are very challenging and I have never had one, so I can't give any specific advice, but best of luck to you!

Some good books:
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazilish

Dee74

I have no advice maimai but this also sounds good to me

D

least

Maimai, check out this forum.

Relationships & Parenting In Sobriety - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

maimai

This afternoon was a bit better. We had a blow up and we talked afterward about respect. How we get it, how to give it, etc..

Tonight she is going to her Nana's house. it will be a good break for both of us... Thanks for everyone's words of encouragement....



MM

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Maimai. I don't have any specific ideas to offer: my daughter is just 6, which is still a fairly easy age. But the part of your post that jumped out at me was the same line that caught Dee and Mark's attention. Sounds to me like she's a lucky girl!

Anna

When my daughter turned 13, I felt like someone else had come to live in the house. She went from a sweet, giggly and loving child to a pre-teen who only had time for her friends. It was a really hard time. I wasn't drinking at all yet, and I managed to muddle through till she was 16 and everything came together in a perfect storm and my drinking began. I tried to be a perfect mother, I tried too hard, and I took every setback far too personally. It eroded my confidence and my purpose in life. My advice is to take time for yourself as you're working on things with your child.