the one fear that's stopping me helping myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
the one fear that's stopping me helping myself
Hi. Don't know about this site, it came up in a search for "scared of getting clean".
I can't predict who I would be afterwards. I would surely be out of control. So far I've been harmless, useless, and oddly effective at getting whatever I want. I have an underlying belief that I'm bulletproof. I know that wherever I am, everyone else will flake out before I do and I can get the girl or whatever. (I later lose the girl, though I could easily keep them and ruin their lives, but no third option.)
My fear is if I'm unaddicted and out of control, I'll lose my cool bits and no longer be able to fake normalcy. People will see me as dangerous and I won't be bulletproof any more, so I'll get crucified.
It's a huge leap into the unknown. The potential upside is entirely new feelings that I can't really imagine, stuff I've only seen on television.
I can't predict who I would be afterwards. I would surely be out of control. So far I've been harmless, useless, and oddly effective at getting whatever I want. I have an underlying belief that I'm bulletproof. I know that wherever I am, everyone else will flake out before I do and I can get the girl or whatever. (I later lose the girl, though I could easily keep them and ruin their lives, but no third option.)
My fear is if I'm unaddicted and out of control, I'll lose my cool bits and no longer be able to fake normalcy. People will see me as dangerous and I won't be bulletproof any more, so I'll get crucified.
It's a huge leap into the unknown. The potential upside is entirely new feelings that I can't really imagine, stuff I've only seen on television.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Graham))) - welcome to SR! I abused one thing, or another, for the better part of my adult life. I also was drawn to other A's (alcoholics/addicts) way before my using got out of control. When I found crack, it took me down..fast and hard.
I didn't even know who I was, when I got clean. I couldn't remember what I liked to do (other than abuse something), I felt like life was totally boring after all the drama and chaos that came with my crack using, and I had a LOT of consequences to face..legal, career, financial.
I decided to give myself 6 months, throw myself into recovery (changing friends, attitude, etc) and if I didn't like it, well, I knew where to find crack. That was almost 4 years ago and I'm still clean.
When we're addicted to something, it's like we have the "addict voice"...it tells us that we're not so bad, life would be HORRIBLE if we didn't use, we're not as bad as -----". Thing is, the longer we use, the worse we get and we eventually become those who we thought were so bad.
SR has been a huge part of my recovery. I've made friends here, there's always someone here 24/7 and they've gotten me through some really rough patches. A lot of people come here, not sure they want to quit. Keep reading and posting...you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I didn't even know who I was, when I got clean. I couldn't remember what I liked to do (other than abuse something), I felt like life was totally boring after all the drama and chaos that came with my crack using, and I had a LOT of consequences to face..legal, career, financial.
I decided to give myself 6 months, throw myself into recovery (changing friends, attitude, etc) and if I didn't like it, well, I knew where to find crack. That was almost 4 years ago and I'm still clean.
When we're addicted to something, it's like we have the "addict voice"...it tells us that we're not so bad, life would be HORRIBLE if we didn't use, we're not as bad as -----". Thing is, the longer we use, the worse we get and we eventually become those who we thought were so bad.
SR has been a huge part of my recovery. I've made friends here, there's always someone here 24/7 and they've gotten me through some really rough patches. A lot of people come here, not sure they want to quit. Keep reading and posting...you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome....
I found making changes in my lifestyle was vital for me
to quit drinking. I was living on the edge of sanity.
You too can find a better future...
I found making changes in my lifestyle was vital for me
to quit drinking. I was living on the edge of sanity.
You too can find a better future...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
grahamchapman, I am a similar teflon don when it comes to substances. Nothing sticks to me. And the substances get me through the parts of the day where I need to put on a show.
When I take away the drugs, alcohol, whatever (I've done it all, but settled on booze because it's legal), I feel like a towering billboard mess. I have anxiety attacks and I can't concentrate and I feel huge and worthless at the same time.
I can't handle details, I can't get things done, people hate me, I'm hurting people, I don't fit in, I fit in except people are wrong about me...on and on it goes.
When I got sober, I realized that none of that was true. None of it. I was wrong about everything. And that was scary too. But I know I need to move away from a life dulled with drugs or alcohol.
When I take away the drugs, alcohol, whatever (I've done it all, but settled on booze because it's legal), I feel like a towering billboard mess. I have anxiety attacks and I can't concentrate and I feel huge and worthless at the same time.
I can't handle details, I can't get things done, people hate me, I'm hurting people, I don't fit in, I fit in except people are wrong about me...on and on it goes.
When I got sober, I realized that none of that was true. None of it. I was wrong about everything. And that was scary too. But I know I need to move away from a life dulled with drugs or alcohol.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome Graham - I'll spare you the Monty Python jokes 
I was scared too - all I remembered was drinking - it was a part of everything I did...my drinking defined me.
But I was very unhappy and I was killing myself.
The best decision I ever made was quitting. I'm happy for the first time in my adult life.
Not party/wildman happy - really happy.
I found the real me in there somewhere - and I like the guy. You might too.
You won't be alone if you decide to take the plunge - there's a lot of support here.
Welcome
D
I was scared too - all I remembered was drinking - it was a part of everything I did...my drinking defined me.
But I was very unhappy and I was killing myself.
The best decision I ever made was quitting. I'm happy for the first time in my adult life.
Not party/wildman happy - really happy.
I found the real me in there somewhere - and I like the guy. You might too.
You won't be alone if you decide to take the plunge - there's a lot of support here.
Welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I was scared of quitting too. Then I would no longer have the excuse to continue to not live up to my potential.
Why don't you quit for 6 months and see how you like it...you can always go back to drinking although o hope you don't.
Welcome to sr!
Why don't you quit for 6 months and see how you like it...you can always go back to drinking although o hope you don't.
Welcome to sr!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome Graham! Glad you are here (I too found SR by searching google for alcohol help) and know you have our support.
We all get it and understand. I really thought that wasn't a life beyond that which I was living. Many years boozing and I didn't know who I was anymore. Didn't like myself and the life I was leading but I couldn't find any other way it seemed. I was also afraid that I wouldn't like myself much if I removed the alcohol and came face to face with who I was. I was actually a rather tormented individual come to think of it. Hating what I was doing and hating myself for not knowing how to deal with it.
Finally, I came here.....realized I wasn't alone and others got it. I got sober and into recovery. I love myself more then I ever realized I did in those years of drinking. I am the strong, confident person that I once was years back and yes....life begins anew for us. I have found that I really have some great things to offer and while I am still a work in progress.....I am nothing like the person I was when I drank. That wasn't me....this now is really who I am
Looking forward to the journey!
We all get it and understand. I really thought that wasn't a life beyond that which I was living. Many years boozing and I didn't know who I was anymore. Didn't like myself and the life I was leading but I couldn't find any other way it seemed. I was also afraid that I wouldn't like myself much if I removed the alcohol and came face to face with who I was. I was actually a rather tormented individual come to think of it. Hating what I was doing and hating myself for not knowing how to deal with it.
Finally, I came here.....realized I wasn't alone and others got it. I got sober and into recovery. I love myself more then I ever realized I did in those years of drinking. I am the strong, confident person that I once was years back and yes....life begins anew for us. I have found that I really have some great things to offer and while I am still a work in progress.....I am nothing like the person I was when I drank. That wasn't me....this now is really who I am
Looking forward to the journey!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by grahamchapman 
Did anyone have the same fear of losing control?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
If you can drop alcohol dead in your tracks and resume your life, in total control... well, you will know who rules you. Sober broutht me a realistic, empowering way of living on my terms. Being drunk just made me think I was invisible, while I was being an ass in front of people. They weren't laughing with me. They were probably laughing at me.
Life isn't an act or a skit, it's prescious. Taking control over mine is what I needed.
Hope you find what you need.
Life isn't an act or a skit, it's prescious. Taking control over mine is what I needed.
Hope you find what you need.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Yes i can relate to that in my late 20's...it would be an understatement to say that i was not thinking straight...maybe find someone who has gotten sober that used to think this way and emulate what they did trusting that if they were ok living in sobriety that you will be too...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I had to accept that I was taking a 'leap of faith' when I stopped drinking, because I had no clue how I was going to manage and live. I thank god I did because it saved my life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. I gave up alcohol for good over a year ago and it's been my best year ever (well, after the first couple months, that is
) I am now in control of my life for real and I wake up happy and feeling good. Give it a good try. YOu can always go back to drinking if you really hate being sober... tho I can't imagine going back to drinking now cause my life is really good and I love myself again.
I gave up alcohol for good over a year ago and it's been my best year ever (well, after the first couple months, that is) I am now in control of my life for real and I wake up happy and feeling good. Give it a good try. YOu can always go back to drinking if you really hate being sober... tho I can't imagine going back to drinking now cause my life is really good and I love myself again. Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I used to think I was controlling things, and myself, when drinking - I self medicated for a lot of emotions I didn't want to feel, or other emotions I didn't feel enough.
but I wasn't in control of anything. My alcoholism was controlling me.
It really is a leap of faith - but look around - there;s hundreds of us here who made the leap and we recommend it. There is life after booze, GC
D
but I wasn't in control of anything. My alcoholism was controlling me.
It really is a leap of faith - but look around - there;s hundreds of us here who made the leap and we recommend it. There is life after booze, GC
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I was afraid of my emotions if that's what you mean by loosing control. Alcohol deadened my feelings which made me feel safe.
Sobriety is not as safe...because there is something at stake now...and that something is life.
Sobriety is not as safe...because there is something at stake now...and that something is life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 3
I don't drink, it's opiates. I avoided them for six months a few years ago and felt very different, like I was suddenly in the flow of things around me rather than just thinking about them. But someone told me I was crazier than ever. I think I have a lot of violence inside me that has never been expressed because I've basically been wasted.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I second LaFemme's suggestion (why not try therapy?). There are other (safer) ways to deal with things like anxiety, depression, and/or mental and emotional issues.
When we drink or use, we're on a rollercoaster (going up, coming down, getting restless, going up again). Sobriety is a much calmer existence, and it's really the only way we can deal rationally with our lives. I wish you all the best.....
When we drink or use, we're on a rollercoaster (going up, coming down, getting restless, going up again). Sobriety is a much calmer existence, and it's really the only way we can deal rationally with our lives. I wish you all the best.....
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