fool me twice, shame on me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sonoran Desert
Posts: 8
fool me twice, shame on me...
Hi everyone. Im 27, and my DOC is heroin and I had used for two years, was clean for two years, and just recently relapsed in Sep. 
Past month been trying to detox, I was over the day 4/5 hump and got to day 7 about two weeks or so ago and I think I used that quasi success story as justification to use again but this time just trying to chip. 
HA! We all know how that goes. I know that I am an addict, but I wouldnt consider myself a junkie this time around, as I refuse to do anything too regretful to get my fix such as pawning mine and my families stuff which I did to the fullest extent the first time I was addicted. This time, I have been sick more often than not as I refuse to hurt my family like that again, and im just at the end of this rope, I know I havent gotten into this as deep as some, but its deep enough for me to be scared s***less, I never even imagined I would be a heroin user at all.
I moved back in with my Mom, full time job right now is quitting, I have no children, and I am just really happy that my situation is not more hectic, as hectic as I can make it out to be in my mind with social drama of girlfriend and such, there are many factors which I feel blessed to not be dealing with. I dont think I would be nearly as confident or clear headed about this without having found all of these threads, so thank you all, each and every one of you.
Im finally at a point where Im not blaming my problems on others and not feeling so much like I need the circumstances to be exactly how I need them. I have a girlfriend who is hooked as well, and we planned on quitting together which turned into her needing me to quit first so that I could help her. This is where my 7 days took place. Our relationship is really weird, we hardly ever talk to see each other anymore even though she says she loves me dearly she still wont answer any of my calls and dont even get me started about seeing her in person, which is probably good through all of this. However, not being able to get a hold of her, i would get so worked up to the point of panic and then low and behold next thing you know, im getting a fix. I dont know where I stand with anyone else as in friends or girlfriends, but I finally feel confident on my own to do this for myself, whether or not I have her to hold my hand through it.
So here I am, having greatly reduced my use and preparing mentally for the withdrawals. I do not plan on getting anything else. I just went out and got a bunch of Imodium, V8, pomegranate juice, coconut water, yogurt, applesauce, and oatmeal
I had been reluctant to sing up here, and then reluctant to post because I dont think I was honestly ready to do the plunge again, but now I am posting, as a way to hold myself accountable to myself, and to any others who may say a few words of encouragement.
I dont have many friends who arent junkies, and those who aren't, I fear would not understand my situation so I keep to myself and feel tortured emotionally by the lonesomeness. This site has been a really REALLY good remedy for that aspect of things, which is truly a Godsend because it is often that alone feeling that would drive me into an anxious panic that ended with me looking to score. Thank you all for sharing your stories and for being so supportive of one another, reading the posts here has been a really dearly needed reality check that im not alone in this, and provides a comforting energy that I dont think I could do this without.
sorry this was so long...
I will continue to post my progress when I feel well/motivated enough to type, and I will surely keep reading more threads/posts. I have made a pact with myself, that next time the urge comes, even in the thick of WD's, I will come here and read and pray rather than score. I have already made this my start page.
Past month been trying to detox, I was over the day 4/5 hump and got to day 7 about two weeks or so ago and I think I used that quasi success story as justification to use again but this time just trying to chip. HA! We all know how that goes. I know that I am an addict, but I wouldnt consider myself a junkie this time around, as I refuse to do anything too regretful to get my fix such as pawning mine and my families stuff which I did to the fullest extent the first time I was addicted. This time, I have been sick more often than not as I refuse to hurt my family like that again, and im just at the end of this rope, I know I havent gotten into this as deep as some, but its deep enough for me to be scared s***less, I never even imagined I would be a heroin user at all.I moved back in with my Mom, full time job right now is quitting, I have no children, and I am just really happy that my situation is not more hectic, as hectic as I can make it out to be in my mind with social drama of girlfriend and such, there are many factors which I feel blessed to not be dealing with. I dont think I would be nearly as confident or clear headed about this without having found all of these threads, so thank you all, each and every one of you.
Im finally at a point where Im not blaming my problems on others and not feeling so much like I need the circumstances to be exactly how I need them. I have a girlfriend who is hooked as well, and we planned on quitting together which turned into her needing me to quit first so that I could help her. This is where my 7 days took place. Our relationship is really weird, we hardly ever talk to see each other anymore even though she says she loves me dearly she still wont answer any of my calls and dont even get me started about seeing her in person, which is probably good through all of this. However, not being able to get a hold of her, i would get so worked up to the point of panic and then low and behold next thing you know, im getting a fix. I dont know where I stand with anyone else as in friends or girlfriends, but I finally feel confident on my own to do this for myself, whether or not I have her to hold my hand through it.
So here I am, having greatly reduced my use and preparing mentally for the withdrawals. I do not plan on getting anything else. I just went out and got a bunch of Imodium, V8, pomegranate juice, coconut water, yogurt, applesauce, and oatmeal
I had been reluctant to sing up here, and then reluctant to post because I dont think I was honestly ready to do the plunge again, but now I am posting, as a way to hold myself accountable to myself, and to any others who may say a few words of encouragement.
I dont have many friends who arent junkies, and those who aren't, I fear would not understand my situation so I keep to myself and feel tortured emotionally by the lonesomeness. This site has been a really REALLY good remedy for that aspect of things, which is truly a Godsend because it is often that alone feeling that would drive me into an anxious panic that ended with me looking to score. Thank you all for sharing your stories and for being so supportive of one another, reading the posts here has been a really dearly needed reality check that im not alone in this, and provides a comforting energy that I dont think I could do this without.
sorry this was so long...
I will continue to post my progress when I feel well/motivated enough to type, and I will surely keep reading more threads/posts. I have made a pact with myself, that next time the urge comes, even in the thick of WD's, I will come here and read and pray rather than score. I have already made this my start page.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to our recovery family.
I suggest you take a look at our substance abuse forum for lots of support and useful information from others in similar situations. I'm glad you found us! Lots of support here.
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I suggest you take a look at our substance abuse forum for lots of support and useful information from others in similar situations. I'm glad you found us! Lots of support here.Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hey, welcome to the site! I don't know anything about heroin, so I'll defer to others as far as advice. What I can tell you is that I'm 43, and wish I had cleaned up my act long ago (though I am grateful to be where I am now, just the same). At 27, you have everything in front of you. Seriously -- you have so much to look forward to! Try to remember that whenever things are tough—you did it before, so you know you can do it again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sonoran Desert
Posts: 8
ReadyAndAble, Understated, and Dee74, thank you so much for the welcome. Regardless of what our DOC is, the support is universal and greatly appreciated.
It is just such a relief to be able to have a place out of the closet to vent/talk or whatever without being ridiculed or judged. There are so many people in my life I just wish I could be honest about all of this with, but it seems to be such an intense/scary/dirty issue for a lot of the folks on the other side of the street-opiate fence. Not to mention other family especially my little brother who I dont even want to know at all. It kills me inside just to imagine what I have put my mom through, it must worry her to the core. Anyways, thanks again everyone, and thank you God for the internet.
It is just such a relief to be able to have a place out of the closet to vent/talk or whatever without being ridiculed or judged. There are so many people in my life I just wish I could be honest about all of this with, but it seems to be such an intense/scary/dirty issue for a lot of the folks on the other side of the street-opiate fence. Not to mention other family especially my little brother who I dont even want to know at all. It kills me inside just to imagine what I have put my mom through, it must worry her to the core. Anyways, thanks again everyone, and thank you God for the internet.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Azores
Posts: 72
hey Welcome! I hope you are still going strong and everything is ok.
Herion is not my DOC, although I have several good friends that share your 'problem' or habit.
They are childhoodfriends of mine, and I always try to keep contact because we've known eachother so long and so well.
What I do notice is that it changed their personality, with or without getting their fix.
I can happily inform you that at the moment, they are all clean. And we are all about 28-30y old. They found a way that works for them, day to day basis.
So I hope you find the support you need, maybe it's something you will actively have to search for. Like counselling or grouptherapy.
All the best
Herion is not my DOC, although I have several good friends that share your 'problem' or habit.
They are childhoodfriends of mine, and I always try to keep contact because we've known eachother so long and so well.
What I do notice is that it changed their personality, with or without getting their fix.
I can happily inform you that at the moment, they are all clean. And we are all about 28-30y old. They found a way that works for them, day to day basis.
So I hope you find the support you need, maybe it's something you will actively have to search for. Like counselling or grouptherapy.
All the best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sonoran Desert
Posts: 8
So today I went to an intake appointment for the behavioral health services here so that I could get on a suboxone program. Im out of my ability to get my DOC but luckily my insurance covers the 'box' program. The thing is, I can't see the doc until the 26th. By that time, I'll have already dealt with the hardest parts of WD IMO, so Im wondering if getting on the suboxone program is pointless or even worse, a mistake? I dunno, just venting here. I feel really good about myself though, having talked to someone at all about the situation, I might just do ok with the crisis hotline number they gave me, since a lot of my relapse history has to do with not feeling like I have support. Well, that's not gonna cut it this time, crisis line or not, I have to buck up, do the deed and want this recovery and sobriety more than any thing else. So wish me luck as I approach the event horizon. I hope when I see the doctor, all I will be talking to them about is counseling rather than another maintenance substance. Anyways, thanks to you all for sharing your stories on here, it has given me a lot of once thought lost courage; truly it is a blessing. enLIGHTenLOVE -tris
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 24
Hi psychedeliack.
And a belated Welcome
I also have not had 1st hand experience with brown, but do have a life long friend whom is now 5 years clean as living evidence you can turn your life back in the right direction.
You dont need me to tell you how good sobriety is so...
Best of Luck. Hopes and Prayers to you
And a belated Welcome
I also have not had 1st hand experience with brown, but do have a life long friend whom is now 5 years clean as living evidence you can turn your life back in the right direction.
You dont need me to tell you how good sobriety is so...
Best of Luck. Hopes and Prayers to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sonoran Desert
Posts: 8
DAY 7 NO OPIATES!!!! HA! I DID IT! I woke up this morning with 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep, only sleep since the hour when i mysteriously woke up from an inadvertent nap on day 3. I FEEL GREAT. It was not pleasant nor easy, but, my god, my god thank god so worth it. I dont feel absolutely normal, but I surely do not consider this the kicks anymore....counting my blessings I was really worried it would be more difficult like when I kicked methadone.
THIS, is probably the only thing I need to share: This time was so much easier, I wanted to quit. So when the weird thoughts of the hungry ghost who so tried to possess me for life came, i could put them in their illusory place, and see the finish line already right there. Breathe, let it go, and visualize that beautifully relieving finish line already right there. I am surprised at how much dopsickness is psychosomatic, I mean, no doubt puking buckets aint really psycho somatic, but, I could definitely determine a drastic difference in how violent or horrible it seemed simply by thinking, either, "I dont want this, I just want to be well" causing me to feel worse, or "I want this, I will be permanently well for doing this" i wont even try to describe the difference.
It was the difference between feeling like the devil had a psychic knife to my thought, versus knowing angels or some divine force is right there with me, laughing in the face of the demon.
I was able to joke with myself through a lot of it, take it with a light heart, I know it feels like utter hell, would rather be dead, but if you can learn to laugh it off, I think it really helps, puts the tormenting voices in their place as sanity rapidly regains control.
Those in detox, Keep hope, you are closer and closer to relief with each moment earned. Dont give up! You CAN do it if you WANT to.
I shall attend meetings at least once a week if not more often, but i have a job lined up so that will keep me busy and take me hundreds of miles away from any dope fix, not that i have had any trouble not answering my phone to the junky traps who keep calling me probably thinking i died or something. I told everyone I could I was quitting, still, 9 of 10 junkies still called me...how compassionate.... Kinda messed up actually thinking about it now, I was a sort of nexus for wellness to a lot the slum junkies, I was taking people to scrap yards and helping them get their dope each morning. Sucks to be them I guess. What can ya do though...keep using out of sympathy for other junkies? lmoa, not really that funny, it happens all the time...
you in detox, barely able to even read this I FEEL YOU, take some of my energy to feel just a tiny bit better, just enough to MEDITATE and PRAY, it might help keep you centered on the goal if you dont already do such things. AND if you have not been GO EAT SOMETHING. you WILL feel a worlds difference. I know, it is not appealing at all...trust me..I KNOW....force feed yourself if you have to, youll thank yourself. DRINK WATER. especially if you have been projecting from both ends...sry graphic i know....friends in this process to me have been, immodium, food, water, and SUNLIGHT. the warmth of the sun can take away the chills...odd but it does...you sweat but its a normal kind of feeling, cause you are supposed to be hot sitting in the sun lol. dont fall asleep tho, if you think you might, maybe sit somewhere that the shade will move over you before you get too burned lol....
Thank you all, I know it might not seem like much with my minimal presence here, but Ive read a novel or twos worth of the posts here, and I was able to hear my own voice echoing back at me from all directions, which was a real eye opener to me. Opiate addiction is NO JOKE. The term viscous cycle is understated.
enLIGHTenLOVE
tristan
Ill be around a lot more now i think...heheh...life...
:dance8 :
THIS, is probably the only thing I need to share: This time was so much easier, I wanted to quit. So when the weird thoughts of the hungry ghost who so tried to possess me for life came, i could put them in their illusory place, and see the finish line already right there. Breathe, let it go, and visualize that beautifully relieving finish line already right there. I am surprised at how much dopsickness is psychosomatic, I mean, no doubt puking buckets aint really psycho somatic, but, I could definitely determine a drastic difference in how violent or horrible it seemed simply by thinking, either, "I dont want this, I just want to be well" causing me to feel worse, or "I want this, I will be permanently well for doing this" i wont even try to describe the difference.
It was the difference between feeling like the devil had a psychic knife to my thought, versus knowing angels or some divine force is right there with me, laughing in the face of the demon.
I was able to joke with myself through a lot of it, take it with a light heart, I know it feels like utter hell, would rather be dead, but if you can learn to laugh it off, I think it really helps, puts the tormenting voices in their place as sanity rapidly regains control.
Those in detox, Keep hope, you are closer and closer to relief with each moment earned. Dont give up! You CAN do it if you WANT to.
I shall attend meetings at least once a week if not more often, but i have a job lined up so that will keep me busy and take me hundreds of miles away from any dope fix, not that i have had any trouble not answering my phone to the junky traps who keep calling me probably thinking i died or something. I told everyone I could I was quitting, still, 9 of 10 junkies still called me...how compassionate.... Kinda messed up actually thinking about it now, I was a sort of nexus for wellness to a lot the slum junkies, I was taking people to scrap yards and helping them get their dope each morning. Sucks to be them I guess. What can ya do though...keep using out of sympathy for other junkies? lmoa, not really that funny, it happens all the time...
you in detox, barely able to even read this I FEEL YOU, take some of my energy to feel just a tiny bit better, just enough to MEDITATE and PRAY, it might help keep you centered on the goal if you dont already do such things. AND if you have not been GO EAT SOMETHING. you WILL feel a worlds difference. I know, it is not appealing at all...trust me..I KNOW....force feed yourself if you have to, youll thank yourself. DRINK WATER. especially if you have been projecting from both ends...sry graphic i know....friends in this process to me have been, immodium, food, water, and SUNLIGHT. the warmth of the sun can take away the chills...odd but it does...you sweat but its a normal kind of feeling, cause you are supposed to be hot sitting in the sun lol. dont fall asleep tho, if you think you might, maybe sit somewhere that the shade will move over you before you get too burned lol....
Thank you all, I know it might not seem like much with my minimal presence here, but Ive read a novel or twos worth of the posts here, and I was able to hear my own voice echoing back at me from all directions, which was a real eye opener to me. Opiate addiction is NO JOKE. The term viscous cycle is understated.
enLIGHTenLOVE
tristan
Ill be around a lot more now i think...heheh...life...
:dance8 : Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sonoran Desert
Posts: 8
oh yeah, btw, when the doc apt came for the subox, I realized it was conjuring junkie feedback loops of thought, like oh yay an opiate to make me well. That scared the living bejesus out of me..... so I said screw it, Im not moving from this space till im well on my own...they wanted to put me on a maintenance program when all I really wanted was something to help me through day 4 and get to sleep, as day4 sleep deprivation was usually enough to make me crack.
meditation reinforces dedication and prayer confirms our situation... love you all...
meditation reinforces dedication and prayer confirms our situation... love you all...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Congratulations on 7 days!!! Since I knew most of the phone numbers of my d-boys (I am a recovering crack addict), I'd delete their number, but still knew it when they'd call. I was actually fortunate...most of the "boys" didn't want me on crack, had been begging me to quit, and were thrilled when I did.
I've seen where some people, here, change the name with the number to something like "no way in hell" or something like that...so if the number shows up on your phone, you're reminded of why you don't want to answer it
SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and there's never been a time that I couldn't find someone here, when I've struggled. Life has a way of throwing us some loops, even when we're clean, but it's good to know where to get support when it happens.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I've seen where some people, here, change the name with the number to something like "no way in hell" or something like that...so if the number shows up on your phone, you're reminded of why you don't want to answer it
SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and there's never been a time that I couldn't find someone here, when I've struggled. Life has a way of throwing us some loops, even when we're clean, but it's good to know where to get support when it happens.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sonoran Desert
Posts: 8
Thank you! I actually did just that, changed the names and set it so it doent even ring for them.
Thank you for your prayers Amy! Keeping determined and always looking up! Dont wanna be a hopeless dope addict<>Im a dopeless HOPE addict
Thank you for your prayers Amy!
Keeping determined and always looking up! Dont wanna be a hopeless dope addict<>Im a dopeless HOPE addict 
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