Corri

When you find yourself in a hole, first put down the shovel.

Awesome saying, Eddie. I'm putting that one on my refrigerator.

Corri

I was reading some other threads and I saw one where there's been a discussion about posters maybe snipping at one another on ways to get sober, if AA is the best, or some other program...

It just brought up something for me in my own life that is happening.

I'm in AA. I started going January 1, and I've been there everyday since. I believe it is helping me because, for me, it isn't just about quitting drinking.... Anyway, it is what it is, for me. But I happen to talk about my experiences within an AA context, for anyone reading.

I'm not far into this, but what I have quickly come to realize is, not all support is the best support; and, there are times when you find in support in places you never expected to find it.

One of the, hmmmm..... struggles (???)... I'm having right now is with my best friend. She rarely drinks (maybe one or two glasses per year). She also lives 2.5 hours away from me, so really, we spend a great deal of time on the phone together. She is aware of what is going on with me. She has felt the results of my uncontrolled drinking. We've had a few conversations since The Day (The Day being the last time I drank), and I've done all that I'm capable of doing, right now, to make amends with her. I'm not to that step yet, which is probably why, maybe, I'm feeling a great deal of anger towards her. But I don't think so.

Honestly, I'm not sure why I feel so angry with her. I've been feeling like that for months now, even before The Day. Anyway, me getting back to my point about not all support is the best support... we talked for a bit last night on the phone, and she was asking me questions about how I was doing, stuff I've read in The Big Book, etc., and throughout the conversation, I just felt she was being so damn 'preachy.' "Well, you just need to let that go," or "Well, you just need to do something else."

I am utterly aware that people who do not have such problems with alcohol will never truly understand it. There are plenty of things in this world I do not understand from lack of first-hand experience. I keep that in mind when speaking with her. But after I got off the phone with her (and keeping myself in check), I let it go, and concluded that she is probably not the best person to discuss this with right now. Maybe even ever.

A great piece of advice (I think) I got from an AA member was, "try never to put yourself in a position where you feel you have to defend yourself or AA (or whatever program you are using)." That came rushing to me after I hung up the phone, and I think I get the meaning of that advice now.

Anyway, back to me feeling angry towards her. I know for certain I am not angry at her because I'm a drunk and she isn't. I'm glad she isn't. She was never a person I drank with. I suppose I will figure this out in time.

My mother is struggling with the fact that my boys are staying with their father for three months. Though she has not escalated her protests, I can tell it really bugs her (because she would NEVER do such a thing if it were her kids). But my mother has never been a drunk, either, sooo....

I know in my heart this is the best thing, so I don't even go there with her. I just let her say what she needs to, I acknowledge it, and I move on.

In so saying all of this, not only is it hard to stop drinking... and that is hard enough... the challenges that come with those in my immediate circle who seem to want me to stay exactly as I was, just without the alcohol, is something I find... startling? It talks about those issues in The Big Book, and I'm glad I've read it so I had a heads up on it... but again, it is why I am so glad I have a support system (like AA, and to an extent, this board) in place. Otherwise, from the wonderful heart-felt intentions of those who love me, I may have already gone back to my bottle. I realize with a certainty in my heart that there are far more things going on in my life than just my uncontrolled drinking. It goes back to me and how I interacted with the world.

I have not gone into details, but I had an extremely traumatic childhood, up until I left home for college and beyond... And through a series of events for which I can only credit God, I found a brilliant shrink who helped me work through it all. Funnily enough, he once said to me, "it is a miracle you did not wind up on the streets, or as a junkie or alcoholic." I realize now… I just hadn’t gotten around to the manifesting the full-blown alcoholic part yet.

In any event, I do not have those issues to 'blame' for my state of being, nor am I even tempted to do so. That's good.

I'm not even into blaming or wondering why (which stuns me, honestly) I'm an alcoholic. All that wondering and soul searching happened before The Day. After The Day, I had my answer. For me.

It's a relief, actually. I don't have to search anymore. No more Self-Help books (thank GOD!!), no more advice giving to other people with hopes of me applying all that advice to my own life (thank GOD!!). I just do what I know is right, in my heart, and have faith that others will do the same, in their own time and in their own way.

I no longer wonder, "why do I do this, why do I do that? Why do I choose to see life this way, not that way? Why, why, why, why, why?" Because I'm an alcoholic. Uncontrolled drinking is just one aspect. There is a whole boatload of stuff, other than uncontrolled drinking, that goes along with it. Now I know. Not as an excuse. It's The Answer. For me.

If any part of my story helps someone else, great. If not, fine. I'm not here with 'purpose' to help anyone do anything, not even those closest to me. I can't, even if I wanted to. Even THAT is a relief. I can listen, I can throw out a hand, I can offer as much compassion that has been offered me, and share some of my stories. Simple. THAT is a relief.

Okay, I've rambled long enough. Thanks for listening. Have to go dig out of the snow and hit a meeting. Toodles.

ISPYSOBRIETY

I have heard of an ankle bracelet that records alcohol levels in the wearer. It's around $75.00 to put on and $12/day. It can get wet but cannot be submerged, so showers are okay. It will be less expensive than attorneys and it is proof to him that you have gone 100% alcohol free.

Just a thought. It's called SCRAMX

If you can afford it, go for it. Money is meant to be used while we are alive. It does us no good when we are dead. Make the sacrifice as an internal offering to your committment to a life free of addiction. Your boys and your ex will applaud your effort. Only you know the lengths you would go to for your fellas. Only you know how much they love you beneath the exteriors which are becoming men.

If three months cost about $700.00, what's the big deal? It's for your life, for your boys, for your ex to have peice of mind.

ANEWAUGUST

Corri..

It is hard for earthlings (non-alkies) to understand recovery. AA is my recovery program of choice. My husband supports me, but, doesn't attend Al-Anon. Therefore, it is hard for him to understand my experiences in recovery.

I have found that only other people in recovery or a 12-step program understand when I need to share recovery experience strength and hope.

I am sure your friend means well, but, being an earthling, she just doens't get it

Corri

Ane:

Why are they called earthies, or earthlings? Do you know?

****************

I went to dinner with some of the AA folk after a meeting last night. I wasn't going to go because I felt rather surly and beotchy... I have no idea why. My day was actually pretty good. But as it was only 7 p.m., I decided to go rather than sit at home by myself and get even more surly and beotchy.

I got to the mexican place, and I told all of them why I wasn't going to come, and then why I decided to at the last moment. They all beamed at me and said I was having a R.I.D. moment. Restless, irritable, and disgruntled. LOL! Yet another thing to put on my list of how we are all so much alike, besides the uncontrolled drinking.

I watched "The Reader" tonight. Gawd, how sad and touching. Before The Day, it would have been enough to send me into such a melancholy mood, I would have drank and blown that feeling up to such biblical proportions, I'd have been able to cover the memories of my entire life with all that self-goo. I would have written long, philosophical emails to people who would wonder what the hell I was talking about... then fixate on some sad moment in my life until I would drink myself into oblivion just to turn off the mental tape.

Right now, with no alcohol in my life, it was just a damn good and touching movie. And that's that. No self-induced drama. Yay!

I took my youngest son (15) shopping today for some shirts I had promised to buy him (before The Day), and then we had dinner. I shared some funny AA experiences with him (no names, I swear). When we share a chuckle about such things, it makes it easier for him to hear about my progress. It's less scary to him. Not a long convo, but he did have to courage to ask me if I had drank at all in the last week. I said no. Then he asked me if I was going to quit smoking and I told him it was on the list, but first thing is first.

I told him that AA wasn't like going to college where one day I'd get through the program and get a certificate and be done with it all. I told him it was more like... losing a limb, and now I was learning how to live without it, and I will always have to find new and better ways to live with the 'new' me. That seemed to worry him at first, but then I told him I'd never, ever have to do it alone. Me being 'alone' is a real worry for both he and his brother, so when I told him that, he nodded his head and said 'good.'

That was the extent of the conversation, but it seemed to have done him some good. I know it did me a whole lot of good. :-) It was a really good day today. (I'm using the word good so much more than 'fine' these days. Another great sign.)

battypatty

My experience in very early recovery was that my physical recovery came first, followed by my mental, emotional and spiritual recovery. I felt really sick early on, and even sicker when I felt physically better later.

I am an alcoholic, and I am also a child of an alcoholic. My Father was an alcoholic and the best thing my Mother did was physically separate me from my Father's active alcoholism. Part of my personal bottom was the loss of my step-son's respect. Every child deserves to respect their parents, therefore parents must deserve respect.

My guess is Dec 30th was not the first time your oldest son yook care of you. He should NEVER have to do that again. He thinks he is responsible for your alcoholism. He thinks it is his job to take care of you. He is mad because he is losing his job and what he thought was his purpose and he doesn't have a replacement purpose ready. Let him find his real purpose.

Make a commitment to your recovery. Make a commitment to the physical, mental and emotional health and safety and recovery of your children. Give your ex custody via the courts. You don't actually have to go to court, you can put it in writing, submit it to the court, and the court will make an order based upon your written agreement. When you can assure your children will never have to care for a drunk Mother again, you can go back to court.

Sometimes preachy is really undiagnosed support.

artsoul

Corri -I'm so glad you got a chance to be with your son and talk to him about things in such a positive way. I think if we reassure our children and they can see us happy and "in charge", it really helps.

Like any other disease, treatment sometimes involves not "being there" as much as we would like for those who depend on us. (I had to leave mine for a month of inpatient and I'm sure they worried a great deal about me during that time).

I'm glad you're looking at your recovery in such a positive way. I've really enjoyed reading your posts and think you've got a great attitude.

Corri

Interesting input. Thanks for sharing.

LexieCat

Hi, Corri,

Just one quick suggestion. Be careful with the overanalyzing things. It's a tip--a lot of us tend to do it, and it distracts us from what we need to be focusing on.

As you recover, things will fall into place as they should--trust me. You can't figure out and worry about what everyone else is thinking and doing and planning and what they might do, and what you should do if they do what they might do.

Right?

One step at a time. First things first. To coin a phrase or two.

Corri

Thanks, AS. I'm not making it all a joke, because it isn't anything to laugh at, obviously. But I have noticed that AA members use levity to discuss some pretty ugly things, to get things out on the table. One such local favorite phrase is, "I can no longer afford the high cost of my low living." We've run some discussion meetings around that one. I don't know... it just seems to help, when wandering into dark places. I thought I'd try a version of it with my son, and it seemed, from that, he felt safe wandering into the discussion with me about all of this on his own. Some good things were said, the conversation wasn't too long, and the rest of the dinner was enjoyable. It was the first time he's done that.

I think it important for me to remain positive about my recovery. If I do anything less, I may as well shoot myself in the foot. I'm not kidding myself. I'm terrified. I pray that a very lucid and aware part of me always remains so. My intent is to learn how to live. Sober. Like you say, I think it is the very best thing I can do for myself, my kids, and everyone around me.

Corri

Hm. Looking back over the thread, I guess I didn't post this. My ex and I worked out an arrangement between us in regard to the kids and my recovery. We're on the same page now, and for that, I am extraordinarily grateful.

Thank you Lex, for the reminder to stay out of my head. Please feel free to nudge me on it whenever you see it!!

Corri

I'm not feeling so great today. I have no idea why. No cravings, that's good. Not depressed. I am a bit blue because I woke up today and I am SO TIRED. WTF? I got plenty of sleep. But I feel like I'm moving through water, you know? My body feels like it can barely hold itself up.

This actually may be part of the thyroid issue. It may just be a fluke. It may be detox. I don't know.

I have so much work to do... and I don't feel like doing any of it. See, this is where my perfectionism starts to kick in. I need to be kind to myself, and instead, right now, I can feel my frustration with myself building. It helps a LOT to just say it out loud, here.

I feel like I could go back to bed and sleep for another three hours. Ugh.

Okay... I suppose I should now break down my 24 hours into maybe half hour intervals. For the next half hour, I'm going to veg and drink my coffee. See if I wake up anymore. Then I'll worry about the next half hour when it comes.

Anybody had similar experiences?

ronf

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. LOL your starting to feel normal. Weird ain't it ? Your doing just fine. Your attitude is great, and you will feel better soon.

Ron

Dee74

It all sounds pretty normal to me corri

We really do a number on mind and body when drinking Corri - it takes time to recuperate - listen to your body....eat well, keep active - but don't push it....make up a *reasonable* list of things to do each day...do them...then....take it easy

D

Corri

We're supposed to be honest through this process, and since I am greatly resisting saying this out loud, I suspect this is going to the heart of the issue I've been facing today. I think it belongs in the realm of self-pity, yet since I despise that feeling, I can't own it, therefore, I can't get it out and just deal with it.

Last night, I asked this woman to be my sponsor. She said she'd have to think about it because, while we do not really know each other, she does know of my kids, and, given her line of work, it could possibly create an ethical situation for her if she became too familiar with my life. I was completely fine with that. But then she said to me, "plus, you're really smart, and the smart ones are sometimes the most difficult to sponsor."

Ooof, right in the gut. I KNOW it was nothing personal. I know that. But... it got me. Can't say it didn't. Teetering on the brink of rejection, and nothing has happened yet! And even if it does, so what? Not a life ending experience. It wasn't meant to be, and I'll find a sponsor... but there the self-pity gremlin sits... slippery little suckers, they are.

There. I said it out loud.

ANEWAUGUST

Corri,

I wouldn't take that as a rejection, I would look at is this way, you saw a pair of shoes you liked, you tried them on, and they just weren't the right fit.

The women you asked was being honest with you. She wasn't trying to reject you in anyway.

The woman I wanted to be my sponsor isn't. The woman that was meant to be is.

For that, I am grateful.

Boleo

Been there, done that, pee'd in my dresser, bought new T-shirts. LOL

julez

Hang in there Corri. My kids are 16 and 14, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to be without them.
You sound like you have a really good and open relationship with them.
One day at a time. You sound like you're doing great!

Anna

Corri, I agree that your sons do need their mother very much. It's my experience that adult children also need their Mom, just in different ways. So, getting sober now will help your relationship with your kids now and in the future.

My kids were 16 and 19 when I began drinking and that continued for 3 years. When I stopped drinking, I wanted very, very much to talk to them about what was going on with me. They didn't want to hear any of it. They wanted me to get better and be the Mom, period.

I think it sounds like you're working things out with your ex and your kids, and you are beginning to recognize that it is a process and it's not a straight line.

Corri

Thanks everybody. Intellectually I know that this potential sponsor did not 'reject' me. I was just talking about the 'inner child' feelings I typically 'squash.' Squashing feelings lead to a danger zone. I felt it, I said it, I got it out and then let it go... huh... funny how that works.

Thanks for all of the encouragement, everyone!!