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No-one agrees I'm an alcoholic

Old 01-06-2011, 06:52 AM
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No-one agrees I'm an alcoholic

Hi all,

I'm a relatively high-functioning alcoholic (never been fired... yet) with a drinking habit that seems well-concealed in plain sight. My sister, a GP (aka family physician), recently mentioned when we were both very drunk that one or two people in the family were finally a bit worried about my self-reported drinking. I'm very close to my family, and to my in-laws, but there's lots of good wine around, and I'm known to wheel out the good stuff regularly myself.

My wife says I'm not an alcoholic, even when I declare myself. I'm not sure whether this is from a self-interested perspective on her part, as there's a lot of interest in me continuing to drink socially. I've not had a drink since last Sunday (2nd Jan), but face a test tomorrow night when we dine with some heavy drinking in-laws.

What are my strategies?

[Well, I've been on medication for depression and anxiety for ten months, and seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist for a month or so now, which has given me two angles of attack -

i) say that I'm giving my medication a chance to work

ii) using some of the listing techniques I've been given to draw up a list of all of the nice wine bottles I own, and thinking of them as gifts to the people I want to share time with - is this too subtle?]

My mission? I've told myself I want to be a generous, tolerant non-drinker...
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:02 AM
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>>No-one agrees I'm an alcoholic

Their vote doesn't count!

You've come to the conclusion you have a problem with alcohol. No one here will question that. Welcome.

And the advice we give those in early recovery who are facing tests to their soberity...don't put yourself at risk. Your recovery comes first. There will be plenty of dinners with the in-laws, but only a couple of chances at solid recovery.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:05 AM
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I have my first test on Saturday. And the strategy that I have come up with, even thought it is kind of a lie, is that my blood pressure has been giving me problems lately and I am trying to get it stabilized with my medication and alcohol will only make it go up. I hope that works and if it doesn't than I will just say flat out say NO! So your medication strategy make be a good idea. But since I am really just starting my journey someone else may have a better solution for you. That is not a combination lie/truth.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:20 AM
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It's not easy. I visited a dear friend the other day who is from another culture and who I would always have a glass of wine with (yes! just one! my alcoholism included many weeks of not drinking a drop and many instances of being good & having one or two drinks which is why I find it hard to identify at times). She does not understand why I'm not drinking and even said 'but dar-link, the red wine..it's so good for your blood! surely one is ok?' No, sweet friend, it is not! If I have it today (which I really could have) I can do it next Friday when 1 or 2 leads to 13 or 14. So...tell them in a firm, no-questions-allowed-tone-of-voice you are not drinking. If you are already a bit of a health nut, you can use the calorie and health aspect. You can also say you're doing the 30 day experiment..no alcohol for 30 days as part of new year experiment (then after the 30 days say you didn't miss it and you enjoyed the experiment!). Hope this helps..it's not easy. I have a few big tests coming up myself this month and my stomach is already in knots.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:33 AM
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Hi and welcome!

1. Alcohol being good for you...They also used to say tobacco was good for you...especially the lungs...alcohol is bad for your health and I have a funeral to go to tomorrow that proves it.

2. In early recovery it is typically a good idea to avoid dangerous situations. If there is a situation you feel you must attend try to prepare for it. Have an excuse ready...try to come late and leave early...try to always haves non-alcoholic beverage in hand...people are less likely to pressure you to drink booze if you already have a drink.

3. One tool I found helpful in these situations is to spend some time prior to the event de-romanticizing alcohol. This involves remembering in exquisite detail my worst moments...ie. the way it feels to barf up a particularly nice glass of red wine...doesn't taste so hot on the way back...does it?

4. Don't expect others to support you...they have various reasons (mostly selfish) to think you are not alcoholic.

Good luck and stick close to SR it really helps!
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:49 AM
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A lot of people have difficulty with the term "alcoholic" whether in reference to themself or to a loved one so forget the label. I don't label myself an alcohol I'm just someone who does not drink, "I gave it up primarily for health reasons and have since loss the taste/desire for it". Depression and anxiety meds definetly do not mix well with alcohol (alcohol can cause the meds to not work properly and/or cause dangerous results) so that is certainly a reason you can use for not drinking if people get persistant.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:50 AM
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No one thinks I am an alcoholic either. I am a fairly high-bottom drunk (love that term!) but I know I am on the road, and I know where the road goes, and I am stopping now. I know, in my heart and my gut. (I sound pretty sure, don't I? Fake it til you make it, right?). Anyway, I told people I was taking a "booze break" but now I am starting to tell people I am done. I have turned down 2 nights that would have been too complicated for me so far. Can you just reschedule this get-together for a week or two? I feel like the medication discussion seems stressful and complicated...? Might be easiest to cancel event and make a mug of tea and come on SR. Take care of yourself.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:53 AM
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Maryjan...I so identify with what you just wrote..esp. the high-bottom part. I just want to quit while I'm ahead because I DO see that road...and clearly Tomsson you do, too.
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Old 01-06-2011, 07:54 AM
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Please see the post (thread) by Isaiah today in this forum Not a demon...
If you take it to heart, I believe it will give you the strength to say no. No excuses necessary, just the truth. You're not drinking anymore. If they seem offended, you can ask them why. Then its their turn for excuses. Yes their behaviour will be disrupted, theyr'e used to drinking with you, you are enabling each other to drink, its a social thing. Perhaps there are other ways they could be offended, of which I know not.
If I'm not wrong about CBT, if you drink it means you want to drink. I understand you don't want to ruffle feathers, but to do what you know is right for you (in this case in no way selfish), you might step on some toes.
Your CBT might be proud of you, I will.
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:04 AM
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Smile

Welcome and congrats on your days sober! All my relatives have past away except my siblings and children, so I have been "adopted" by my fiancés large family. They all drink, most to excess, but are high functioning workaholics. They sympathetically define me as an alcoholic, because when I drink, I get nothing done. They are encouraging my sobriety out of concern for my productivity level, haha! It sounds like you are making a good start towards recovery with your counselling and plans to eliminate and avoid. Glad you are here. Hope you keep reading and posting!
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:17 AM
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Thanks all - I didn't expect such a response! I can't spend long here now, as I'm looking after my daughter, but will post again maybe tomorrow or the day after.

Take care,
Tom's son (couldn't make this my user name, but it's chosen in memory of my father, who died as a result of alcohol abuse)
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:27 AM
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Who gives a damn what people think. If u think its a problem for yourself that is all that counts
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:34 AM
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Screw everyone else If you feel you've gone over the edge that's all the justification you need.
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:34 AM
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When I gradually began to reveal my decision to quit drinking (that I DID quit drinking)...nobody really thought I was an alcoholic either (lotta confused looks) but like somebody said already, their votes don't count. I knew I was in trouble and needed a better way to live. Whether I am an alcoholic or not was as irrelevant then to me as it is today and other people's opinions on the matter are even more irrelevant. One thing I am sure of is the fact that if I didn't quit when I did (high bottom) and continued on the path I was on; people would soon enough be thinking I was an alcoholic.
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:47 AM
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Perhaps some folks will think you're no longer part of the "Cool Crowd". And rarely has the "cool crowd" from my younger days amounted to anything close to their potential!

Perhaps the same folks will be somewhat frightened of how their own drunk behavior will be seen by someone not under the influence? Ever show up to a party late and everyone is 3 sheets to the wind? A crowd of idiotic bores!

"You're not drinking?"
"Doctors orders... I'm on a prescription (sobriety) for an illness (alcohol abuse/dependence.)"

No one has the right to inquire what's 'wrong' with you. Just because they ask, does not require an answer.

My doctor, upon hearing how much I drank, said my blood tests look fine and my liver is not enlarged, but I should "reduce the chronicity" of my alcohol intake... to a glass or none a day! One or two glasses?!?!? Then why bother at all (not to mention that I can't really stop at one regardless.)

You'll do fine, just stick to your principles and decision. Congrats!
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Old 01-06-2011, 08:49 AM
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That's how I feel. It is hard not to listen to the voice that says, "You're fine! Have a glass if wine!" but I have tried to moderate a million times (just wine, just 2 glasses, just weekends, no gin, eat enough, on and on) and there I was, 16 days ago, tucking my kids in drunk. I can't moderate, not forever, and I never want to let my kids down so I have to be done. The voices here on SR that tell me about where this road leads are so valuable. How many more times I can try to moderate, how many more times I will mess up, how the physical dependency will get worse. Thank you all for your honesty. Tom's son, you can do this and you are not alone.
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Old 01-06-2011, 09:19 AM
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Well, when I finally got together with my old drinking buddies for the start of racing season in 2007, I didn't tell them I was an alcoholic.

I did that once in the distant past, the news was not received well.

I would stick with the medical excuse.
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Old 01-06-2011, 10:04 AM
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Welcome to the family! Who cares what anyone else thinks? You do what is right for you. Use whatever excuse is good for you but don't let anyone 'talk you into' drinking if you don't want to.
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:27 PM
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Welcome Tomsson

Noone in my family believed I was an alcoholic either - partly I think because they didn't want to look at their own drinking, and partly because 'we' don't 'do alcoholism' in our family - alcoholics are other people's sons.

I knew what I was though - and quitting was the best decision of my life

Welcome to SR
D
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:32 PM
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No-one thought i was an alcoholic either...i learned in sobriety i might as well as have been saying i was from an alien planet, why should anyone understand what it means to be an alcoholic except an alcoholic? Expecially when the myths about alcoholism out there, e.g. alcoholics have a morning drink, alcoholics drink everyday, alcoholics have lost a job, have no money, sleep rough...and defo alcoholics aren't in the higher end earning scale with a family...what a load of BS hehe
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